From: HumourNet <humournet-bounces&#64;humournet.com>
Reply-To: HumourNet Moderator <vince&#64;humournet.com>
To: The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour <humournet&#64;lyris.net>
Date: Monday, October 15, 2001 12:48 AM
Subject: Collage 422: Those Who Laugh Last


Collage 422              H u m o u r N e t              15 Oct 2001

I have a plan. More on that later.

For now, I'd like to acknowledge the fact that I've been off the air
for a while (it's not like I didn't warn you). For the most part,
last year's "Y2K Bug" had only two notable deleterious effects
worldwide: (1) The HumourNet orbiting communications satellite system
was put out of commission for several months, and (2) Windows 2000
was released. Other than that, we all seem to have come out of it
more or less unscathed.

But now, like the rest of the country, I'm back -- with a vengeance.
Please note that this particular Collage will probably be found to
be "offensive" by some. If you tend to be easily offended, then
please stop reading now.

In case you haven't noticed, the New York skyline looks a little
different than it used to. I know this for a fact, as my apartment
looks right at the place where the World Trade Center towers used to
be. I even caught the second fireball on videotape. All things
considered, I have to give the hijackers high marks for dramatic
effect; even Hollywood couldn't have done a better job.

Unfortunately for the hijackers, though, things apparently didn't
turn out quite the way they'd expected. The Onion has nearly outdone
themselves in this top-notch expose of the hijackers' afterlives:

   <http://www.theonion.com/onion3734/hijackers_surprised.html>

For the most part, the country is still trying to wrap its collective
mind around the staggering magnitude of what has happened. But that
doesn't mean that we're not keeping our sense of humor, despite the
recent events (WARNING: This site may be offensive to some):

   <http://www.f***-binladen.com/>

And so it is with the characteristically American spirit of "we will
not only overcome our aggressors, but we will laugh at them in the
process" that I present Collage 422.

To be sure, I doubt that there isn't a single one among us who hasn't
had enough of Middle Eastern politics to simply want to level the
place and build a "Disney Aladdin" theme park. At least there'd be
plenty of parking, and gas prices would be low. However, at last
count, there are an estimated 3,820 Arabs currently living in the
Middle East who have expressed some level of concern for the events
of September 11th. The National Security Agency is in the process of
getting their names and addresses so we can move them to safety
before all the fun begins.

Speaking of moving people to safety, we need to relocate Israel.
There's really not much more to say, other than "What the heck were
you thinking when you moved there in the first place?" Living where
you are is akin to Al Qaeda claiming Brooklyn as its new homeland;
they'd be dead within minutes.

So we need to relocate the Israelis, which brings me to my Plan. (You
thought I'd forgotten about the Plan, didn't you? No such luck.)

I propose moving the Israelis to Long Island.

Now, I know what you're thinking -- but really, this is not as absurd
as it sounds. First of all, half of all Jews who do not live in
Israel already live on Long Island. Second, Jewish people are born
knowing how to pronounce "Lawnk Oilint." Third, it has roughly the
right shape. And though Long Island is less than 1/4 the size of
Israel, the relative ease with which older Long Island residents can
retire to "Boca" will help reduce crowing on the Island.

Ya gotta admit, it's a pretty good plan, all things considered. And
it opens up the entire Middle East region to the gratuitous use of
carpet bombing, which will make it easier to put in parking lots and
hotels for the Disney Aladdin theme park. See how it all fits
together?

Admittedly, if we do this, the Israelis inherit Queens -- which might
not really be much of an improvement for them. But as one Queens
resident puts it, "We're safe in Queens. [Arab terrorists] would never
bomb us; they'd be killing too many of their own." So there is at
least some margin of safety afforded there.

Of course, the real risk is that it moves all of Israel closer to the
*new* Ground Zero. Which brings me back to the World Trade Center....

We are clearly our own worst enemy. Two huge towers, six thousand
people, and 20 percent of our economy lay in ruins in downtown New
York City. We were quite clearly taken by surprise, yet the ACLU
continues to bleat about the potential loss of personal freedoms.
Sorry, kids, but 6000 lives are worth more than your ability to
anonymously download porn off the Internet. It's the New Reality,
better start getting used to it.

Then we have Jerry Falwell explaining that September 11th occurred
because our "secular and anti-Christian environment left us open to
our Lord's [decision] not to protect." What part of "Christianity is
not Islam" has failed to register in this clown's tiny, pulpit-powered
brain?

Speaking of being our own worst enemy ... Jesse Jackson, never one to
miss a photo op, has arrived on the World Trade Center scene. He is
once again running his insipid pie hole, spouting the kinds of trite,
canned statements that have long been his hallmark. Too little too
late, Jesse; if you'd *really* wanted to do something to help this
City and this country, you'd have arranged to be standing on the WTC
Plaza as the towers were plummeting to the ground.

Unfortunately, Jesse isn't content to merely make a fool of himself
locally; no, he has to, once again, take it to a global scale -- this
time, by asking the Taliban if he can "assist" in the diplomatic
process of getting some American prisoners released. Of course, he
claims that the Taliban invited him. As if we are to believe that the
Taliban -- renowned for their disparagement of all that is not Islam,
and the United States, in particular -- are going to ask the
*Reverend* Jesse Jackson, an adulterous American Baptist minister,
for help in the process of negotiating an agreement with the Nation
of Infidels.

"But," sayeth you, "Jesse has successfully negotiated the release of
prisoners in the past, has he not?" Yes, he has -- and this merely
demonstrates the lengths to which foreign governments will go to get
him out of their country.

I might not be a fan of the Bush administration -- but, to their
credit, they have not actually prevented Jesse from going to
Afghanistan. I think they are looking at this from a very pragmatic
perspective: Chances are, he won't go. And if he does go, there's at
least a 50/50 chance that the Taliban will kill him. I say we take up
a collection and buy him a plane ticket.

With any luck, he will arrive in Kabul shortly before the latest
"Afghan Weather Report," contributed by Robert in New Jersey, becomes
reality.

The second piece, "Afghan T.V. Guide," looks like an adaptation of a
similar piece that was making the rounds during Desert Storm. Still
good for a chuckle, though. Contributed to HumourNet by Randy
Cassingham of Boulder, Colorado.

And the last piece in this Collage, the "First Draft of George W.
Bush's Address to the Nation," was contributed by ... uh ... well, I
guess it was contributed anonymously, since I seem to have forgotten
who sent it to me. (Hey, it's been a while, I'm out of practice.)

This opener has developed over the past month, and events are moving
considerably faster than I can find time to write. We are now dropping
bombs on Afghanistan -- yet, a week later, we still haven't nailed
bin Laden. The problem seems to be that we're using Canadian
intelligence sources.

Clearly, if we are going to meet our major objectives in this battle,
we will need a new approach....

Consider this: New York City has a population of 8 million. Of those
8 million, 7,994,000 are severely pissed right now, and 6 thousand
are missing and presumed dead. Of those 7,994,000, probably 2 million
would gladly fly to Afghanistan and kill bin Laden with their bare
hands. Have you ever seen a truly pissed New Yorker? Imagine 2 million
of them. I say we give them 2 million sets of desert fatigues and
air-drop them into Afghanistan. Cheaper than a single Tomahawk, and
considerably more entertaining to watch. Bin Laden wouldn't last 20
minutes -- but CNN would get a lot of great footage.

So now we have Anthrax popping up all over the country -- yet we're
being told that there is "no apparent connection to the attacks of
September 11." How stupid do they think we are? I, for one, am not
willing to believe that these are lazy employees looking for some
really creative ways of not having to show up for work right now.

Apparently, in one of the Florida cases, a tabloid newspaper was
targeted for having printed some disparaging remarks about Osama --
namely, that he is "impotent." The reigning opinion is that the
Anthrax attack is retribution for having revealed his impotency to
the entire world. Truth be told, though, Osama really isn't impotent;
he is actually completely devoid of a penis -- at least below the
neck -- which also explains why he hides in caves and has others
carry out his war plans. It all makes sense once you know the truth.

Speaking of things that make sense, the press has stated that
President Bush now finds himself in a difficult moral dilemma: If any
of the hijackers' bodies are identified in the wreckages at WTC, the
Pentagon, and in Pennsylvania, there will be the question of whether
they should be returned to their families. Apparently, no matter how
horrific the crime -- even crimes against Allah, such as September 11
-- it is customary to return the bodies to their families.

I do not personally see any problem with this. However, the bodies will
surely be rather badly burned, which could be upsetting for family
members. My recommendation is that we feed the hijackers' bodily
remains to common farm pigs -- then wait a couple of days, and ship
the pigs' excrement to the families. Today, international terrorist;
tomorrow, pig droppings. It's quite a step up on the social ladder,
and I'm sure that it will help the family members identify their
loved ones.

Finally, I feel compelled to mention that not everything presented
in this Collage should be taken seriously. For example, I would not
seriously advocate bombing the entire Middle East. After all, there's
just too much land there; the cost would be prohibitive. Nor do I
agree with the tee shirts that have a picture of Osama bin Laden with
the caption, "Wanted: Dead or Alive." Why bring him back alive? Spare
us the paperwork and the extra plane seat.

Oh, and one more thing, Osama:  f*** you.

Happy holidays, and see you all in 2002. <g>

- Vince Sabio
   HumourNet Moderator
   vince&#64;humournet.com
____________________________________________________________________
           Opener (above) Copyright 2001 by Vincent Sabio
   Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
   please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Afghan Weather Report

The weather in Afghanistan tomorrow and the next few days is expected
to be sunny in the mornings, with contrails in the East, South and
possibly in the North, and with increasing mushroom clouds later into
the afternoons and into early evenings.

The temperature looks to be a moderate 2000 degrees with brisk winds
upwards of around 700 miles per hour. It would probably be best to
vacation away from areas which have experienced terrorist training
and may be considered sanctuaries. It will definitely be a day for
the sunblock, and it wouldn't hurt to shake the dust off the ol' lead
suit in the closet.

If  you're planning on venturing outside in beautiful Afghanistan
tomorrow, don't forget to drink plenty of fluids such as barium which
shows up nicely when blasts of radiation flow through your body.

Most of all, have fun out there and enjoy the old country while ...
well, while it's still there.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Afghan T.V. Guide

MONDAYS:
  8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
  8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
  9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
  9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"

TUESDAYS:
  8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
  8:30 - "The Price is Right If Osama Says It's Right"
  9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
  9:30 - "Afganistan's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Infidel Slayer"

WEDNESDAYS:
  8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
  8:30 - "When Northern Alliances Attack"
  9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
  9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"

THURSDAYS:
  8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
  8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
  9:00 - "Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and
          Veils"
  9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"

FRIDAYS:
  8:00 - "Judge Laden"
  8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"
  9:00 - "Captured Northern Alliance Rebels Say the Darndest Things"
  9:30 - "Achmed's Creek"
10:00 - "No-witness News

SATURDAYS
  8:00 - "All In Allah's Family"
  8:30 - "Everybody Loves Osama"
  9:00 - "Kabul Public"
10:00 - "60 Minutes Of Public Executions"

SUNDAYS
  8:00 - "Omar's Jeopardy"
  8:30 - "Name That Explosion"
  9:00 - "Tic, Tac, Taliban"
  9:30 - "Bowling For Bullets"
10:00 - "Weapons And Allah"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: First Draft of George W. Bush's Address to the Nation

Few people have seen the first draft of Dubya's speech, but our
sources were able to retrieve it from one of the dumpsters behind the
White House. Here it is in all its uncensored glory....

WARNING: May be offensive to some. Okay, most. Don't read any further
if you have even the slightest shred of social sensitivity.

+ + +

Friday, September 14, 2001

Good evening my fellow Americans.

First, I want to pass on my condolences to the people of New York and
all Americans that are hurting in this tragic time. You can rest
assured that anything and everything that can be done to assure the
safety of our country will be done. This is the greatest country in
the world and we will get through this trying time. Now is the time
for all people to set aside our petty differences and show the world
that no one or nothing can destroy the fortitude of the American
people.

To the people responsible for Tuesday's tragedy, I say this:

Are you f***ing kidding me?!? Are the turbans on your heads wrapped
too tight? Have you gone too long without a bath? Do you not know
whom you are f***ing with? Americans are so hungry to kill that we
shoot at each other every day. We will relish the opportunity for new
targets for our aggression.

Have you forgotten history? What happened to the last people that
started f***ing around with us? Remember the little yellow bastards
over in Japan? We slapped them all over the Pacific and roasted about
2 million of them in their own back yard. That's what we in America
call a big-a** barbecue.

Ever seen Texas on a map? Ever wonder why it's so big? Because we
wanted it that way. Mexico started jacking around with the Alamo, and
now they cut our lawns. England? We sent them packing. Ask your buddy
Saddam about f***ing with the good 'ole USA. The only reason he got
away the first time is because it's too hard to shoot someone when
you're doubled over laughing at them. Our soldiers aren't trained to
laugh and shoot at the same time. Now he couldn't stop a pack of cub
scouts from taking over his * little country.

Trust us, Afghanistan will end up a giant kitty litter box. Go ahead
and try to hide, bin Laden. There's not a hole deep enough or a
mountain high enough that's going to keep your camel-riding a**es
safe. We will bomb every inch of the country that harbors you, your
camps and any place that looks and even smells like you were there.
Hell, we might even drop a few bombs on people that have pissed us
off in the past. This is America. We kick a**. This is what we do. Go
ahead and laugh now, but the Tomahawks are coming and we will smoke
your sorry a**es.

God bless America!

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</collage422>