Subject:     Collage 421: Rumors Of My Demise
Date:        10/1/2000 4:12 AM
Received:    10/1/2000 7:07 AM
From:        HumourNet, humournet-bounces@humournet.com
Reply-To:    HumourNet Moderator, vince@humournet.com
To:          The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour, humournet@lyris.n

Collage 421              H u m o u r N e t              01 Oct 2000

The rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated; the supposed
evil plot to unsubscribe everyone from HumourNet, collect the
unsubscription fees, and retire to an island in the South Pacific was
a complete fabrication, primarily because the capital gains taxes
would have killed me.

Nevertheless, I must apologize for the recent scarcity of Collages.
Okay, the utter lack of Collages. I've been a little bit busy,
working on a top-secret project at Apple Computer: Porting the
Windows 2000 kernel to the Power PC platform -- a project that,
after many long months of labor, was recently released as a public
beta. (Some of the more astute among you have noted that if you
start with "WNT" and subtract 8 from the W, add 5 to the N, and add
4 to the T, you get "OSX." I'm sure there's a message in there
somewhere.)

Actually, I'm working on a slightly different top-secret project --
one that will be unveiled in the very near future. Meanwhile, we do
have a static web page that tells you absolutely nothing:

   <http://www.returnpath.net/>

It will shortly be replaced by a web interface to a high-powered
laser system in low Earth orbit; for a mere $35, you will be able to
put a nice dent in the hood of your neighbor's new BMW. Proceeds
from the new site will be used to fund continued development of the
Strategic Defense Initiative. Please be sure to patronize the site
often.

In other news, Rus Jeffrey -- the Official HumourNet Chaplain -- has
given up on my ever producing another God Collage, and has started a
rival mailing list. Whoops, I mean a *sister* mailing list. To
subscribe to Rus's "God Laughs" mailing list, and receive a regular
dose of Vatican-approved religious humor right in your mailbox, just
send any e-mail to the following address:

   <mailto:GodLaughsDotNet-subscribe&#64;topica.com>

Rus is posting Collages far more reliably than I am these days.

Speaking of Collages, I *do* have the long-promised Y2K Collage still
brewing on the back burner. I hope to release it before the start of
the next millennium, but I'm not optimistic.

And even _this_ Collage would never have made it to the list if it
weren't for the piece below, titled "Humour List Moderator Missing,
Readers Fear Unsubscription Fees." John Mozena, a long-time
HumourNetter and one-time guest moderator, composed the piece,
ostensibly to remind me of my dereliction of duty -- but his true
goal was to appear in a HumourNet Collage one more time (looks as if
he succeeded on that front). Many thanks to John for the original
contribution. I think.

Please read Collage 421 very slowly, as it will probably be the only
one that you receive for a while. ;-) Enjoy....

- Vince Sabio
   HumourNet Moderator
   vince&#64;humournet.com
____________________________________________________________________
           Opener (above) Copyright 2000 by Vincent Sabio
   Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
   please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Humour List Moderator Missing, Readers Fear Unsubscription Fees
By John Mozena

NEW YORK, NY -- September 27, 2000 -- The search for the missing
moderator of a slightly-popular Internet humor list intensified
today with the addition of a second detective and a receptionist on
partial medical disability.

Vincent Sabio of New York City was reported missing by his Assistant
Moderator Kim on September 11, six months since she had last seen
Sabio and one month after Sabio failed to send a much-awaited issue
of his "HumourNet" [sic] e-mail newsletter to his subscriber base.
While no firm evidence exists to verify how many subscribers the
newsletter has, informed sources suggest that it had at least a
dozen readers at such "newbie" domains as AOL.com, MSN.com and
DOJ.gov, where neophytes to the Internet often begin their online
experience.

"Well, I hadn't seen Vince in a while, but that's not necessarily a
bad thing," explained "Kim," whose actual name has been changed to
protect her identity at the request of the U.S. Bureau of Alcohol,
Tobacco and Firearms. "After he missed his self-imposed August 11
deadline for the next issue, though, and after he didn't stop by to
endorse his check for the unsubscription fees, I began to get
worried. When my paycheck bounced, though, I called the cops."

The New York City Police Department responded by assigning Detective
Floyd F. Floyd, Jr., a 19-year veteran of the NYPD with a long and
successful career of investigating dumpster fires and reports of
public indecency, to the search for Sabio. Floyd, who was on
post-rehab medical leave when the case was assigned and is expected
to return from Idaho by mid-October, has made little progress on the
case, according to NYPD insiders.

As public apathy grew and immigration into New York slowed, freeing
up police personnel from important ethnic harassment and brutality
details, NYPD headquarters caved to the pressure of both e-mails
they received, and assigned Det. Harold I. Bookerman, a young cop
with a heart of gold who's willing to break the rules to see justice
done, to the "Sabio Case," as it's become known to the people who
call it the "Sabio Case." Bookerman and Floyd were also assigned
P.A. Florence Waltermeyer, who fills a position officially known to
the NYPD as "administrative assistant," although the job is more
traditionally known as "secretary" or "receptionist." Waltermeyer is
a part-time administrative assistant on a four-hour-a-week schedule
while recovering from botched laser eye correction surgery performed
by a part-time ophthalmologist using an illegally-boosted hand-held
laser more commonly used to annoy speakers at large conferences or
amuse college students in lecture classes.

"We're confident that we have allocated sufficient resources to
pursue all available leads in the matter of the disappearance of Mr.
Sabio, especially given the regard with which he is held within the
community," an NYPD spokesperson told this reporter.

"There are no leads," he added.

Theories abound as to the cause of Sabio's disappearance. Competing
humor list moderator Randy Cassingham of ThisIsTrue.com refused to
answer questions regarding a rumored feud between himself and Sabio,
referring reporters to his spokesperson. However, Cassingham has no
spokesperson. "Neither of those losers ever wrote anything himself,
anyway, and there's simply no reason for anybody to miss Sabio,"
maintained humor list moderator Chris White of TopFive.com, who also
collates the humor of others into e-mail messages and retains
copyright to himself.

Other theories include threatening messages Sabio had reportedly
received from members of New York City organized crime families, who
were eyeing his lucrative "unsubscription fee" business and
complaining about his encroachment on their turf. Jeff Bezos of
Amazon.com has also been questioned in conjunction with the case, as
Amazon has claimed a patent on the concept of "fees involving the
Internet, or anything else, for that matter, neener neener neener
(USPTO #12398732498)," and was in a bitter legal struggle with Sabio
that sources close to the matter described as "Kafkaesque." However,
other sources say that sources who use the word "Kafkaesque" are
obviously not to be believed.

The truth of Sabio's disappearance might be stranger than fiction,
however. Pointing to his top secret work on radar-based fuzes for
nuclear warheads and his research in radio applications for
secretive government surveillance technology contractors in Ann
Arbor, Mich., anonymous and paranoid sources believe that Sabio may,
in fact, have become the latest victim of "Them."

"They" had no comment, and referred further questions to "Their"
attorney of record, Hillary Rodham Clinton.

In the end, however, the cost of Sabio's disappearance is not a
human one. As it always is, the money is more important.

"This may turn out to be a blessing in disguise," explained 'Kim.'
"Since Humournet is gone without Vince, we'll have to unsubscribe
everybody from the list. That's a lot of money in unsubscription
fees, and I can fake his signature pretty well.

"Say, do you have the number for the local Mercedes dealership?"

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</collage421>