Subject:     Collage 418: Freedom to Innovate
Date:        12/4/1999 6:59 PM
Received:    12/4/1999 11:11 PM
From:        HumourNet, humournet-bounces@humournet.com
Reply-To:    HumourNet Moderator, vince@humournet.com
To:          The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour, humournet@lyris.n

Collage 418              H u m o u r N e t              04 Dec 1999

It has been a while since Collage 417, "Annex Canada" -- but we have
been wisely using the time to prepare a stock portfolio, which
explains to the Canadian public why it is in their best economic
interest to allow the U.S. to purchase their country.

The Canadians, however, have not been sitting idly by while we make
our plans. Del pointed out that Canada is planning a counter offer:

  <http://www.standonguard.com/>
  
As recently demonstrated by Air Canada and Canadian Air Lines,
however, the Canadians really aren't very adept at hostile
takeovers. So far, I think we're safe.

Del goes on to point out that, "we've already taken over your
entertainment industry." I have to wonder whose loss he thinks
that is.

However, I do have to admit that I had some of my facts incorrect in
Collage 417. For example, when I implied that Canada doesn't have
"really juicy scandals," I was not aware of the recent flap over
naming cows with human names; Drew in Cleveland, Ohio, (a city that
we are considering moving to northern Canada once we annex the place)
provides the scoop on this one:

  <http://www.ottawacitizen.com/national/991015/2997812.html>

Move over, President Clinton, you've got competition.

Understandably, one of the Canadian People(tMS)'s concerns in this
deal is that they will lose their national heritage. This is only
partially true; as part of the deal, the United States gets full
rights to the name "Canada" and all derivations of it. And for good
reason: We plan to name the new, unified country "Canada," not
America, as many have feared. The reason for this is simple: We no
longer want to be called "Merkins." Casimir in Houston, Texas,
provides the shocking scoop on this rather unfortunate (yet utterly
hysterical) homonym:

  <http://www.randomhouse.com/jesse/?date=19980626>

Coincidence? You be the judge. Either way, whenever I travel abroad
I'm planning to tell everyone that I'm Canadian. <g>

While we're speaking of corrections, Ian in Canada pointed out a few
oversights in Collage 417:

    1. Walmart

    Walmart(tMS) recently came to Canada but they didn't bring
    the gun department with them. You can't buy a gun at
    Walmart(tMS) in Canada. In fact, the easiest way to buy a
    gun in Canada is to go to the US and smuggle it back in a
    case of American beer. Why else would a Canadian buy
    American beer?

You're correct, Ian, this was an oversight in Collage 417; I forgot
to note that the ability to purchase a gun without having to waste
money on a case of Merkin -- er, *American* -- beer is yet another
feature of the proposed annexation.

    2. Our Ocean Going Battle Ships

    Canada has about 5 frigates. I think the Americans used
    them as small assault craft during the Gulf War. As far as
    I know at least three of them are floating around Canada
    somewhere.

Looks like you're down to one: <http://biz.yahoo.com/rf/991201/bc1.html>

    Now, on to the part of your opener that I liked the best. 
    As one of the stockholders in Canada I would like to know:
    How much money are we talking about?

Does it matter? We'll eliminate the GST. Several of the Canadian
HumourNetters seemed to think that eliminating the GST was sufficient
cause for annexation; my favorite response was from Hope:

    I'm Canadian. I did not find your article humourous. I found
    it an accurate depiction of Our Great and Wonderful Land.
    My husband and I discussed where we could send your article
    to do some good: get other Canadians to get their heads out
    of their backsides and look around and see what's happening.
    But it's a lost cause. Futile effort. [...] You'll have to
    think carefully if you really want to do this. You'll have a
    job on your hands afterward re-educating the populace. I'm
    afraid the word 'socialism' is so deeply entrenched you will
    probably need to use stakes and silver bullets.

["Socialism: The equal distribution of poverty." <g>]

    If, after thinking it over, you still decide to proceed with
    the takeover, allow me to offer my services. This week I'm
    having a sale on some nice maps showing the best places to
    infiltrate our country. G.S.T. , P.S.T., municipal tax and
    surtax inclusive. [...]

    Just let me know when you're coming. I have $1.39 left over
    after taxes to put in your coffers to further your cause.
    You are welcome to it. Let's see -- $1.39 Canadian. The
    dollar fell to 67 cents American this morning, so that gives
    you..... well.... Never mind. It's the thought that counts.

    Sincerely,
    Hope
    [used to be middle class, now a lower class citizen]

    P.S. -- You are misinformed. We don't have one plane. We
    have two. We are waiting for parts for the second one and if
    we can afford to pay for them, we will send this plane to
    help with the East Timor problem. I'll let you know when it
    has left Canada.

Thank you, Hope, but there's probably not much risk from an airplane
that can't get off the runway.

Now, just so that there are no hard feelings over this whole
annexation proposal, I have decided that there should be a quid pro
quo for our having stolen Canada's entertainment industry. It seems
fair that we should depor^W export someone to Canada. But it needs
to be a 'special' someone. Someone important. Someone wealthy.
Someone resourceful. Someone who needs the freedom to innovate.

That's right: I propose that we send Bill Gates to Canada. Heck,
it's not even that long a drive for him. And if he brings his stock
portfolio with him, it could have a significant impact on the value
of the Canadian dollar overnight.

We'd certainly lov^W hate to see him go, but this is the kind of
sacrifice that we're willing to make in the spirit of closing the
deal. And I'm not suggesting this simply because Bill is among the
downtrodden these days. I mean, what with the recent Department of
Justice decision AND the fact that Bill is trailing Geraldo Rivera
and Madonna in Time Magazine's Twentieth Century Popularity Poll:

  <http://www.pathfinder.com/time/time100/phonies/index.html>

Yes, this poll is legitimate. And yes, Bill is really doing poorly.
So it's up to you: Get in there and vote for your favorite innovator.
Vote multiple times if necessary, but let's all show our support for
Bill Gates in this important poll.

And by way of showing _my_ support for Mr. Gates, I'd like to
introduce a long-overdue Microsoft Humour Collage ...

Randy Cassingham, recently relocated (to avoid IRS agents, no
doubt) in Boulder, Colorado, starts us off with the "Top Ten Petty
Gripes Microsoft Has With The Court" and "Microsoft Contraceptives";

Pastor Rus, the Official HumourNet List Chaplain, follows up with
"Abort, Retry, Ignore?";

Jerry W. in Simi Valley, California, brings us "Microsoft Sues
Bandai";

Dave H. in Birmingham, England, contributes "Microsoft Tests Nuclear
Device At Secret Hanford Facility";

Gary in South Charleston, West Virginia, sends us "Clones";

"Why Micorsoft Rules My Universe" is the moderator's contribution <g>;

Bill D. contributes "The Number of the Beast, Take I";

Dylan K. in Oakland, California, contributes "The Number of the Beast,
Take II";

And the entire Internet contributed the final piece, "Windows Y2K."

As always, a huge thanks to our contributors for the contents of
today's Microsoft Humour Collage. And an extra-special thanks to
Judge Jackson, to whom this Collage is dedicated.

Y2K Note: Back in February, I had requested Y2K contributions for a
special Y2K Humour Collage, and I received lots of great material for
the Collage. Unfortunately, space aliens managed to steal the entire
collection (damned aliens have no sense of humour), and thus I must
request that the Y2K contributions be resubmitted. Send them to the
usual address for contributions <mailto:submissions&#64;humournet.com>;
please be sure to use a subject line that clearly identifies the
submission as a Y2K piece. Thanks!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  vince&#64;humournet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1999 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Top Ten Petty Gripes Microsoft Has With The Court

Microsoft is in court these days, defending its decision to integrate
browsing functions with its operating system. But the days in court
are harrowing for the brave boys and girls from Redmond, as we
discover when we examine their chief complaints and requests
concerning the legal proceedings:

10. Microsoft to court: "What do you mean precisely by 'world
domination'?"

9. Lawrence Lessig used to steal Gates's lunch money in grade
school. No fair!

8. Request to clear the courtroom of disruptive laid-off Netscape
employees.

7. Joel Klein using Mac laptop to take notes--prejudiced!

6. Please make Ralph Nader put down his bullhorn while court is in
session.

5. Please ask FBI Director Freeh to cease and desist Stealth
flyovers of Redmond.

4. Court recorder saying, "Wait a minute, I have to reboot," not
helping their case.

3. Request that Judge Jackson not refer to Microsoft lawyers as
"you people."

2. Removing MS lawyer Bill Neukom from the courtroom in shackles
after every session is demeaning.

1. Court's request to install airbags and seat belts in Windows
might be slightly extreme.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Abort, Retry, Ignore?

C:\> WIN
Bad command or filename

C:\> LOSE
Loading Microsoft Windows ... Please wait

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Microsoft Sues Bandai

REDMOND WA, (AP) -- Microsoft (MSFT) has announced a 54 million
dollar lawsuit against Tomagotchi maker, Bandai. Microsoft is
claiming that the Tomagotchi (the Japanese electronic pet that's all
the rage with kids) is an infringement of its intellectual property.

Microsoft spokesperson, Erik Loregard stated "Software that needs
constant, even hourly attention, or else it dies? Sounds like
Windows to me. This is clearly an infringement on our technology".

The Bandai company spokesman refused to comment on the suit.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Microsoft Tests Nuclear Device At Secret Hanford Facility

REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as
Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a
secret facility in eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at
9:22 am PDT (1622 GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide
with talks between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over
possible antitrust action.

"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by
any and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not
that I'm anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few
tears shed in the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a
nuclear fireball."

[Editor's Note: WHICH Washington? </vs>]

Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly
dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of
Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it
was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain
bike vacation."

In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would
boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the
President reversed his decision. "We've tried sanctions since
lunchtime, and they don't work," said the President. Instead, the
administration will initiate a policy of "constructive engagement"
with Microsoft.

Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test
justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear
Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire
"kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold,
"but we've finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold
copies of Microsoft Bob." Myrhvold warned users not to replace
Microsoft NT products with rival operating systems. "I can neither
confirm nor deny the existence of a radioisotope thermoelectric
generator inside of every Pentium II microprocessor," said Myrhvold,
"but anyone who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on
the Internet might be in for a surprise."

The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would
explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run
so hot. The Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw in
electrical power" said Prof. E.E. Thymes of MIT. "This should
finally dispel those stories about cold fusion."

Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in
California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're
doing all of the development work in Java," said one source close to
the project. The development of a delivery system is said to be
holding up progress. "Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at
the moment."

Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple iCEO Steve Jobs was
rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about
deploying Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was
the biggest bomb the Valley has developed in years," said one
hardware engineer. "I'd hate to be around when they drop that
product a second time."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Clones

clone (KLOHN) n. See WINDOWS 95.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Why Micorsoft Rules My Universe

This is a "moderator's choice" contribution; easily of the most
amusing anti-MS sites that I have seen in a long time:

  <http://www.freeyellow.com/members7/geraldholmes/>

Almost as amusing is this pair of pages; the first one is serious
(believe it or not), and the second one is an excellent parody:

  <http://www.microsoft.com/ntserver/nts/news/msnw/LinuxMyths.asp>
  <http://www.segfault.org/story.phtml?mode=2&id=37fae729-005d1560>

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Number of the Beast, Take I

Two computer people discussing those old stories about Bill Gates's
name adding up to 666 in ASCII:

"I hear that if you play the NT 4.0 CD backward, you get a satanic
message."

"That's nothing. If you play it forward, it installs NT 4.0."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Number of the Beast, Take II

How appropriate that the "800" number for the Microsoft Systems
Journal is 800-666-1084.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Microsoft Contraceptives

MICROSOFT ANNOUNCES CONTRACEPTIVE98
For tomorrow's edition -- DO NOT RELEASE PREMATURELY

Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every
aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a
suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. "As we
leave the geek market behind, we are finding more and more of our
user base does, in fact, engage in actual personal contact with
other human beings, and that this is increasing the incidence of sex
in people who would otherwise be gaming online or at home alone. We
want to make sure that if people feel the need to leave the computer
for even a moment, Microsoft goes with them," said Sosha Lee M.
Peard, spokeswoman for the software giant.

Microsoft considers itself to be a pioneer in peer-to-peer
connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will
give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation
enhancement market. The product addresses two important user
concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall
to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.

The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98,
DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton
Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in
the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions.
Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for
professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small
Business Edition is a package for start-ups, aimed at the lonely
housewife and "playuh" niches. While Contraceptive98 does not
address non-traditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are
planned for next year.

OPERATION Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to
install the package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks
for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the
product installs and is sufficiently scalable to meet most
requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution
is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session.
When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the
user gets the message, "It is now safe to turn off your partner."

DRAWBACKS Usability testers report that frequent failures were a
major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the
most serious error encountered. This product is particularly
sensitive to power surges. Early versions had numerous bugs, but
most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be
installed each time its used.

CONCLUSION Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its
drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag,
and is far superior to its shareware version. For future releases,
Microsoft plans to add missing functionality, such as Backout and
Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera. Microsoft
CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98's potential. "Our
contraceptive products will help users do to each other what We've
been doing to our customers for years," he said in a statement
accompanying the release.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Windows Y2K

Redmond, WA (AP) -- Microsoft announced today that the official release
date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until
the second quarter of 1901.

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</collage418>