Subject: Collage 418: Freedom to Innovate Date: 12/4/1999 6:59 PM Received: 12/4/1999 11:11 PM From: HumourNet, humournet-bounces@humournet.com Reply-To: HumourNet Moderator, vince@humournet.com To: The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour, humournet@lyris.n Collage 418 H u m o u r N e t 04 Dec 1999 It has been a while since Collage 417, "Annex Canada" -- but we have been wisely using the time to prepare a stock portfolio, which explains to the Canadian public why it is in their best economic interest to allow the U.S. to purchase their country. The Canadians, however, have not been sitting idly by while we make our plans. Del pointed out that Canada is planning a counter offer: As recently demonstrated by Air Canada and Canadian Air Lines, however, the Canadians really aren't very adept at hostile takeovers. So far, I think we're safe. Del goes on to point out that, "we've already taken over your entertainment industry." I have to wonder whose loss he thinks that is. However, I do have to admit that I had some of my facts incorrect in Collage 417. For example, when I implied that Canada doesn't have "really juicy scandals," I was not aware of the recent flap over naming cows with human names; Drew in Cleveland, Ohio, (a city that we are considering moving to northern Canada once we annex the place) provides the scoop on this one: Move over, President Clinton, you've got competition. Understandably, one of the Canadian People(tMS)'s concerns in this deal is that they will lose their national heritage. This is only partially true; as part of the deal, the United States gets full rights to the name "Canada" and all derivations of it. And for good reason: We plan to name the new, unified country "Canada," not America, as many have feared. The reason for this is simple: We no longer want to be called "Merkins." Casimir in Houston, Texas, provides the shocking scoop on this rather unfortunate (yet utterly hysterical) homonym: Coincidence? You be the judge. Either way, whenever I travel abroad I'm planning to tell everyone that I'm Canadian. While we're speaking of corrections, Ian in Canada pointed out a few oversights in Collage 417: 1. Walmart Walmart(tMS) recently came to Canada but they didn't bring the gun department with them. You can't buy a gun at Walmart(tMS) in Canada. In fact, the easiest way to buy a gun in Canada is to go to the US and smuggle it back in a case of American beer. Why else would a Canadian buy American beer? You're correct, Ian, this was an oversight in Collage 417; I forgot to note that the ability to purchase a gun without having to waste money on a case of Merkin -- er, *American* -- beer is yet another feature of the proposed annexation. 2. Our Ocean Going Battle Ships Canada has about 5 frigates. I think the Americans used them as small assault craft during the Gulf War. As far as I know at least three of them are floating around Canada somewhere. Looks like you're down to one: Now, on to the part of your opener that I liked the best. As one of the stockholders in Canada I would like to know: How much money are we talking about? Does it matter? We'll eliminate the GST. Several of the Canadian HumourNetters seemed to think that eliminating the GST was sufficient cause for annexation; my favorite response was from Hope: I'm Canadian. I did not find your article humourous. I found it an accurate depiction of Our Great and Wonderful Land. My husband and I discussed where we could send your article to do some good: get other Canadians to get their heads out of their backsides and look around and see what's happening. But it's a lost cause. Futile effort. [...] You'll have to think carefully if you really want to do this. You'll have a job on your hands afterward re-educating the populace. I'm afraid the word 'socialism' is so deeply entrenched you will probably need to use stakes and silver bullets. ["Socialism: The equal distribution of poverty." ] If, after thinking it over, you still decide to proceed with the takeover, allow me to offer my services. This week I'm having a sale on some nice maps showing the best places to infiltrate our country. G.S.T. , P.S.T., municipal tax and surtax inclusive. [...] Just let me know when you're coming. I have $1.39 left over after taxes to put in your coffers to further your cause. You are welcome to it. Let's see -- $1.39 Canadian. The dollar fell to 67 cents American this morning, so that gives you..... well.... Never mind. It's the thought that counts. Sincerely, Hope [used to be middle class, now a lower class citizen] P.S. -- You are misinformed. We don't have one plane. We have two. We are waiting for parts for the second one and if we can afford to pay for them, we will send this plane to help with the East Timor problem. I'll let you know when it has left Canada. Thank you, Hope, but there's probably not much risk from an airplane that can't get off the runway. Now, just so that there are no hard feelings over this whole annexation proposal, I have decided that there should be a quid pro quo for our having stolen Canada's entertainment industry. It seems fair that we should depor^W export someone to Canada. But it needs to be a 'special' someone. Someone important. Someone wealthy. Someone resourceful. Someone who needs the freedom to innovate. That's right: I propose that we send Bill Gates to Canada. Heck, it's not even that long a drive for him. And if he brings his stock portfolio with him, it could have a significant impact on the value of the Canadian dollar overnight. We'd certainly lov^W hate to see him go, but this is the kind of sacrifice that we're willing to make in the spirit of closing the deal. And I'm not suggesting this simply because Bill is among the downtrodden these days. I mean, what with the recent Department of Justice decision AND the fact that Bill is trailing Geraldo Rivera and Madonna in Time Magazine's Twentieth Century Popularity Poll: Yes, this poll is legitimate. And yes, Bill is really doing poorly. So it's up to you: Get in there and vote for your favorite innovator. Vote multiple times if necessary, but let's all show our support for Bill Gates in this important poll. And by way of showing _my_ support for Mr. Gates, I'd like to introduce a long-overdue Microsoft Humour Collage ... Randy Cassingham, recently relocated (to avoid IRS agents, no doubt) in Boulder, Colorado, starts us off with the "Top Ten Petty Gripes Microsoft Has With The Court" and "Microsoft Contraceptives"; Pastor Rus, the Official HumourNet List Chaplain, follows up with "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"; Jerry W. in Simi Valley, California, brings us "Microsoft Sues Bandai"; Dave H. in Birmingham, England, contributes "Microsoft Tests Nuclear Device At Secret Hanford Facility"; Gary in South Charleston, West Virginia, sends us "Clones"; "Why Micorsoft Rules My Universe" is the moderator's contribution ; Bill D. contributes "The Number of the Beast, Take I"; Dylan K. in Oakland, California, contributes "The Number of the Beast, Take II"; And the entire Internet contributed the final piece, "Windows Y2K." As always, a huge thanks to our contributors for the contents of today's Microsoft Humour Collage. And an extra-special thanks to Judge Jackson, to whom this Collage is dedicated. Y2K Note: Back in February, I had requested Y2K contributions for a special Y2K Humour Collage, and I received lots of great material for the Collage. Unfortunately, space aliens managed to steal the entire collection (damned aliens have no sense of humour), and thus I must request that the Y2K contributions be resubmitted. Send them to the usual address for contributions ; please be sure to use a subject line that clearly identifies the submission as a Y2K piece. Thanks! - Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator vince@humournet.com ____________________________________________________________________ Opener (above) Copyright 1999 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message. ____________________________________________________________________ SUBJ: Top Ten Petty Gripes Microsoft Has With The Court Microsoft is in court these days, defending its decision to integrate browsing functions with its operating system. But the days in court are harrowing for the brave boys and girls from Redmond, as we discover when we examine their chief complaints and requests concerning the legal proceedings: 10. Microsoft to court: "What do you mean precisely by 'world domination'?" 9. Lawrence Lessig used to steal Gates's lunch money in grade school. No fair! 8. Request to clear the courtroom of disruptive laid-off Netscape employees. 7. Joel Klein using Mac laptop to take notes--prejudiced! 6. Please make Ralph Nader put down his bullhorn while court is in session. 5. Please ask FBI Director Freeh to cease and desist Stealth flyovers of Redmond. 4. Court recorder saying, "Wait a minute, I have to reboot," not helping their case. 3. Request that Judge Jackson not refer to Microsoft lawyers as "you people." 2. Removing MS lawyer Bill Neukom from the courtroom in shackles after every session is demeaning. 1. Court's request to install airbags and seat belts in Windows might be slightly extreme. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Abort, Retry, Ignore? C:\> WIN Bad command or filename C:\> LOSE Loading Microsoft Windows ... Please wait ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Microsoft Sues Bandai REDMOND WA, (AP) -- Microsoft (MSFT) has announced a 54 million dollar lawsuit against Tomagotchi maker, Bandai. Microsoft is claiming that the Tomagotchi (the Japanese electronic pet that's all the rage with kids) is an infringement of its intellectual property. Microsoft spokesperson, Erik Loregard stated "Software that needs constant, even hourly attention, or else it dies? Sounds like Windows to me. This is clearly an infringement on our technology". The Bandai company spokesman refused to comment on the suit. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Microsoft Tests Nuclear Device At Secret Hanford Facility REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility in eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am PDT (1622 GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over possible antitrust action. "Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a nuclear fireball." [Editor's Note: WHICH Washington? ] Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation." In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed his decision. "We've tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they don't work," said the President. Instead, the administration will initiate a policy of "constructive engagement" with Microsoft. Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire "kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold copies of Microsoft Bob." Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival operating systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every Pentium II microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet might be in for a surprise." The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical power" said Prof. E.E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispel those stories about cold fusion." Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing all of the development work in Java," said one source close to the project. The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up progress. "Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment." Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple iCEO Steve Jobs was rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about deploying Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest bomb the Valley has developed in years," said one hardware engineer. "I'd hate to be around when they drop that product a second time." ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Clones clone (KLOHN) n. See WINDOWS 95. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Why Micorsoft Rules My Universe This is a "moderator's choice" contribution; easily of the most amusing anti-MS sites that I have seen in a long time: Almost as amusing is this pair of pages; the first one is serious (believe it or not), and the second one is an excellent parody: ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: The Number of the Beast, Take I Two computer people discussing those old stories about Bill Gates's name adding up to 666 in ASCII: "I hear that if you play the NT 4.0 CD backward, you get a satanic message." "That's nothing. If you play it forward, it installs NT 4.0." ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: The Number of the Beast, Take II How appropriate that the "800" number for the Microsoft Systems Journal is 800-666-1084. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Microsoft Contraceptives MICROSOFT ANNOUNCES CONTRACEPTIVE98 For tomorrow's edition -- DO NOT RELEASE PREMATURELY Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. "As we leave the geek market behind, we are finding more and more of our user base does, in fact, engage in actual personal contact with other human beings, and that this is increasing the incidence of sex in people who would otherwise be gaming online or at home alone. We want to make sure that if people feel the need to leave the computer for even a moment, Microsoft goes with them," said Sosha Lee M. Peard, spokeswoman for the software giant. Microsoft considers itself to be a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market. The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings. The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups, aimed at the lonely housewife and "playuh" niches. While Contraceptive98 does not address non-traditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. OPERATION Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scalable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, "It is now safe to turn off your partner." DRAWBACKS Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. This product is particularly sensitive to power surges. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used. CONCLUSION Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. For future releases, Microsoft plans to add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera. Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98's potential. "Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what We've been doing to our customers for years," he said in a statement accompanying the release. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Windows Y2K Redmond, WA (AP) -- Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901. ******************************************************************** Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy of the rest of us. ******************************************************************** HumourNet is brought to you by "Lyris" -- an innovative list server from Lyris Technologies, Inc.: . HumourNet's Web and FTP sites are hosted by gamerz.net: . The HumourNet mailing list, Web site, and archives are completely free of advertising, and are funded through sales of "SmartBounce," our industry-standard bounce handler for mailing lists. 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