Subject: Collage 417: Annex Canada Date: 10/17/1999 5:40 PM Received: 10/17/1999 9:04 PM Collage 417 H u m o u r N e t 17 Oct 1999 Last month, I spent a week in Vancouver, Canada. Beautiful place; I've always enjoyed visiting third-world countries. And while I was there, I found myself wondering: Why haven't we simply annexed Canada? It would make sense. Both countries would be much better off. The Americans, for example, would finally learn how to spell "humour" correctly, which would make it much easier for them to subscribe to HumourNet. But what about the benefits to the Canadians? There are so many of them (benefits, that is, not Canadians); I'll try to hit some of the highlights ... Reason Number 1: BETTER SCANDALS When was the last time you heard about a really juice scandal in Canada? Hmmm? Thought so. That's because Canadians don't know how to do scandals right. "RCMP accused of not cleaning their guns on schedule" is hardly a scandal. Americans, OTOH, have scandals down to a science. Sometimes, we have so many of them occurring simultaneously that we don't even have time to keep track of all of them. Reason Number 2: BETTER CURRENCY Canadian money is very attractive, yet not entirely valuable. If we annexed Canada, we could collect up all of the Canadian currency and give it to the Hasbro Corporation. The next edition of Monopoly would have money that looks very convincing. Plus, American money just sounds better -- we have "dimes" and "nickels," not "loonies" and "twonies." Well, okay, we have quite a lot of loonies, but we put them on currency only if they have been elected to public office. Which seems to happen rather often; see Reason Number 1. Reason Number 3: NO GST GST, or "Goods and Services Tax," is a nationwide sales tax that Canadians must pay in order to sustain the delusion that they live in the Greatest Country on Earth(tMS). Thankfully, the Canadian authorities realize that tourists generally don't suffer from that particular delusion (preferring, instead, to suffer from entirely _different_ delusions), and thus are kind enough to refund any GST that we paid while visiting the Greatest Country on Earth(tMS). There's a minimum amount required, but given that the GST tax rate is rather staggering, it's really rather easy to make the minimum amount. (Note that GST does not include Provincial Sales Tax, Local Sales Tax, Local Income Tax, Travel Tax, Non-Travel Tax, Purchase Tax, Use Tax, Abuse Tax, and Greatest Country on Earth(tMS) Tax; those mut be paid separately, and are non-refundable.) Reason Number 4: BETTER, CHEAPER HEALTH CARE So every time I rag on Canada, I get this staple "we have free health care" response from the Canadian side. That's nice. Here in the U.S., we have doctors who attended medical school. And, once we annex Canada, the amount of money that Canadians will save by not having to pay GST will _more_ than cover the cost of top-notch health insurance here in the U.S. For example: I was in Canada for one week. The GST on roughly one-half of my purchases was refundable (not all GST is created equal), and amounted to about $100Cdn. This is about $200Cdn per week total GST, which is roughly $10,000/year. For that amount of money, you can buy Blue Cross/Blue Shield's most expensive coverage, and still have enough left over to take a pretty nice vacation, even after you've converted the currency to American. This is why we Merkins vacation more than our Canadian counterparts. Well, that and the fact that we need to get the hell out of here every once in a while or the scandals will surely drive us over the edge. Reason Number 5: NO DEFECTIONS Canadians LOVE to point to members of the American entertainment industry and say things like, "You know that Celine Dion is Canadian, don't you?" and "Shania Twain is from Canada." Big deal. If Canada were so great, then why do all of these people feel the need to defect? If we annexed Canada, it'd all be one huge country, so entertainers would no longer have to defect in order to find work. It's simple: The U.S. should annex Canada. We owe it to the Canadians to do it. And it would be so very easy to pull off: The Canadian Air Force has already sent its airplane over to the Balkans as part of the peacekeeping initiative; the entire country is thus undefended except for a bunch of guys on horseback. All we'd have to do is make a sufficiently attractive offer to their stockholders -- the Canadian people -- and the deal is as good as signed. Looking at the arguments presented above, I've no doubt that the Canadian citizens would jump at the chance. And in the spirit of annexing Canada, Collage 417 is a spirited look at ethnic humour (hey, I'm gonna burn for this opener as it is; might as well finish the job) ... Shawn King, a well-known Canadian and part-time entertainer who hasn't yet defected to the U.S., starts this one off with "An American, an Irishman, and a Canadian"; Warren M. brings us another Canadian piece, titled "FIRE!"; Ahuva L. in Jerusalem, Israel, sends along the "New South Africa Department Of Education Matriculation Exam"; Stu M. in New Zealand sends us "One Beer Too Many"; Perri N. in Columbia, Maryland, takes credit for the "Top Ten Balkan Bumper Stickers"; Giles in Palma de Mallorca, Spain, and Mark in the U.K. tag-teamed the "Brits and Merkins" piece; Tom in Florida does some "Quick Thinking"; Marv W. in Budd Lake, New Jersey, sends us the "Pecking Order"; Nicolette J. takes credit for the "Lemmings" piece; Mark B. in the U.K. -- who is concerned that [he] may "start an international incident here" -- sends us the original piece titled, "Film at Eleven" (Mark, if my opener doesn't start an international incident, your comparison of television shows doesn't stand a chance); and Lorraine D. in Texas closes this one out with "Eye Doctor." As always, a huge thanks to all of our contributors! Enjoy ... (meanwhile, I'll be changing my name, my address, and getting plastic surgery ;-) - Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator vince@humournet.com ____________________________________________________________________ Opener (above) Copyright 1999 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message. ____________________________________________________________________ SUBJ: An American, an Irishman, and a Canadian Three very good friends were driving around one day. One is an American, one is an Irishman, and the other is a Canadian. The three were in a serious car accident, instantly killing all of them. They arrive at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter, seeing these three, hangs his head in despair. It seems the Gates aren't working, there's a lineup a mile long, and the Boss is not happy with his performance of late. Now these three arrive. He decides to make them a deal: "Give me $500, and I'll send you back right now!" You don't have to tell the American twice -- he recognizes a deal when he sees it. Reaching into his pocket, he pulls out $500 and hands it to Peter. He's immediately sent back to Earth. At the accident scene, the American starts to move around, scaring the wits out of those gathered around. He tells his story to the crowd and the press, who of course don't believe him. "If that's true," says one reporter, "where are your friends?" "Well, when I left, the Irishman was trying to talk him down to $300 and the Canadian was yelling, 'SHOULDN'T THE GOVERNMENT PAY FOR THIS!?'" ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: FIRE! An American, a Brit, and a Canadian were about to be shot by a firing squad in an Iraqi P.O.W. camp. The American was the first to stand before the firing line. The general bellowed, "Ready, Aim, ..." Just then, the American screamed "Stampede!" Everyone ran for cover and the American escaped and ran to freedom. The Brit was next to stand before the firing squad. The general cried, "READY, AIM, ..." Just then, the Brit yelled, "AIR RAID!" Everyone ran for cover and the Brit escaped. The Canadian caught on to what the American and Britisher did ... The general yelled out, "READY, AIM, ..." Just then the Canadian yelled "FIRE!!!" ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: New South Africa Department Of Education Matriculation Exam [Editor's Note: Most of this one was just a rewrite of the "City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam" (Collage 15). But Question #2 is pretty good, so I decided to run the piece. Well, part of it. ] Please read all instructions carefully: Write all answers between the lines. No part of the answer book is to be rolled and smoked. No children of students are allowed to participate. Leave firearms in the possession of the parole officers. Bribes may be accepted for amounts exceeding R100,00. If this exam does not match that purchased last night, please notify the examiner. QUESTION 1 Philemon has an Ak47 with 2 magazines taped together, each holding 30 rounds. If he misses 8 out of 10 shots how many drive-by taxi shootings can he attend without having to reload? QUESTION 2 Philimon has a twelve seater minibus, but to avoid discomfort he never carries more than 23 people. Assuming each passenger weighs 85 kg and piles 35 kg of luggage on the roof, he drives 140 km/h and that his brakes are 25% efficient, what would his stopping distance be? a) 300m b) 600m c) 10m if there is another passenger to pick up QUESTION 3 Jacob is employed as a garden boy for one day a week for 5 households. Assuming that he can make a lawnmower last for 3 months, how many lawnmowers will the households have to buy in a period of two years? ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: One Beer Too Many An Italian was sitting at the bar, having a beer and chatting to the barman. The 6 o'clock news came on TV and the first story showed a man on the ledge of a high-rise building, threatening to jump. The bartender said to the Italian, "Bet you ten bucks he jumps." "OK," said the Italian. A minute later the bloke jumps to his death and the Italian hands over the ten-spot. "Hey mate, I can't take your money -- I saw this earlier on the five o'clock news, so I knew he was going to jump," the barman said. "No, take the money -- I saw it too but didn't think he'd be silly enough to do it again...." ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Top Ten Balkan Bumper Stickers 10. If This Goat Cart's a Rockin', Don't Come a Knockin' 9. If You Ain't MOSLEM, You Ain't SHIITE 8. If You Want My Pitchfork, You'll Have to Pry It From My Cold, Dead Hands 7. My Serbian Son Beat Up Your Croatian Honor-Roll Student 6. I'm 4 IFOR, Who R U 4? 5. Don't Blame Me, I Voted For Tito 4. I Brake For IFOR 3. Don't Ask Me Where You Are, I Can't Pronounce It Either 2. Don't Follow Me, I'm In a Minefield, Too 1. Honk If You've Been Relocated ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Brits and Merkins [This] seems to point up a significant difference between Europeans and Americans: A European says, "I can't understand this, what's wrong with me?" An American says, "I can't understand this, what's wrong with him?" -- Terry Pratchett (author) [Editor's Note: This makes no sense to me whatsoever. What the hell was Pratchett thinking when he wrote that, anyway? ] ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Quick Thinking Three fellows were shipwrecked on a tiny island: a New Zealander, a South African, and an Aussie. No food, no water, no shade -- just sand and more sand. One day, the New Zealander was walking along the beach when he spotted a bottle floating in the water. He waded out and got the bottle. When back on the beach, he uncapped the bottle -- and a genie came out! The genie said, "I've been in that bottle for a hundred years. I appreciate your freeing me. So I will grant each of you one wish." So saying, he disappeared. The Kiwi said, "I wish I was in Christchurch," and *poof* he disappeared. The Springbok said, "I wish I was in Durban." *Poof*! He also disappeared. Looking around, and realizing he was all alone, the Aussie finally said, "Gee, it sure is lonely around here. I wish my mates were back!" ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Pecking Order During the latest test of the rocket Ariane, a Frenchman was sent into orbit with a monkey. Each was given an envelope prior to launch. When they had finally left the Earth's atmosphere, the monkey opened his envelope and read the instructions: "Adjust trim, jettison fuel pods, check matter/anti-matter readings, correct course to 110 degrees and ease back on throttle controls. Activate internal and external videos, secure all systems, check all computers and make all necessary repairs and adjustments." The Frenchman opened his envelope and found the following instructions: "Feed the monkey." ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Lemmings An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off, too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." Next day, the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "he made his own lunch!" ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Film at Eleven By Mark Burbidge Differences in television programming between the UK and the US (be sure to view this in a fixed-width font): UK Merkia ------------------------------- ------------------------------ Moral of the story is worked Moral of the story tagged onto into the story in a subtle manner the end of a violent kids' TV show: "And the lesson for this week IS..." A story can sometimes not have If it doesn't have a moral to a moral, it can just be a story. start with, it will have one shortly. There is a belief that kids can "...brought to you today by handle more than one number an the number 3 and by the letters hour. P and W" Sarcasm and irony may be used Audiences with signs saying (e.g. Have I Got News For You?) ++++LAUGH NOW++++ Jeremy Beadle Okay, you got me on that one. [Editor's Note: Forget Jeremy Beadle; we Merkins win with the Ricky Lake Show. ] ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Eye Doctor An immigrant from Czechoslovakia went to an eye doctor for a checkup. The doctor started with some simple testing, showing him a standard eye chart with the letters: CRKBNWXSKZY The doc asked, "Can you read that?" Czech says, "Read it? Hell, Doc, I know him!" ******************************************************************** Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy of the rest of us. ******************************************************************** HumourNet is brought to you by "Lyris" -- an innovative list server from Lyris Technologies, Inc.: . HumourNet's Web and FTP sites are hosted by gamerz.net: . The HumourNet mailing list, Web site, and archives are completely free of advertising, and are funded through sales of "SmartBounce," our industry-standard bounce handler for mailing lists. 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