Subject:     Collage 417: Annex Canada
Date:        10/17/1999 5:40 PM
Received:    10/17/1999 9:04 PM

Collage 417              H u m o u r N e t              17 Oct 1999

Last month, I spent a week in Vancouver, Canada. Beautiful place;
I've always enjoyed visiting third-world countries. And while I was
there, I found myself wondering:

Why haven't we simply annexed Canada?

It would make sense. Both countries would be much better off. The
Americans, for example, would finally learn how to spell "humour"
correctly, which would make it much easier for them to subscribe to
HumourNet.

But what about the benefits to the Canadians? There are so many of
them (benefits, that is, not Canadians); I'll try to hit some of the
highlights ...

Reason Number 1: BETTER SCANDALS

    When was the last time you heard about a really juice scandal in
    Canada? Hmmm? Thought so. That's because Canadians don't know
    how to do scandals right. "RCMP accused of not cleaning their
    guns on schedule" is hardly a scandal. Americans, OTOH, have
    scandals down to a science. Sometimes, we have so many of them
    occurring simultaneously that we don't even have time to keep
    track of all of them.

Reason Number 2:  BETTER CURRENCY

    Canadian money is very attractive, yet not entirely valuable. If
    we annexed Canada, we could collect up all of the Canadian
    currency and give it to the Hasbro Corporation. The next edition
    of Monopoly would have money that looks very convincing. Plus,
    American money just sounds better -- we have "dimes" and
    "nickels," not "loonies" and "twonies." Well, okay, we have
    quite a lot of loonies, but we put them on currency only if they
    have been elected to public office. Which seems to happen rather
    often; see Reason Number 1.

Reason Number 3:  NO GST

    GST, or "Goods and Services Tax," is a nationwide sales tax that
    Canadians must pay in order to sustain the delusion that they
    live in the Greatest Country on Earth(tMS). Thankfully, the
    Canadian authorities realize that tourists generally don't
    suffer from that particular delusion (preferring, instead, to
    suffer from entirely _different_ delusions), and thus are kind
    enough to refund any GST that we paid while visiting the
    Greatest Country on Earth(tMS). There's a minimum amount
    required, but given that the GST tax rate is rather staggering,
    it's really rather easy to make the minimum amount. (Note that
    GST does not include Provincial Sales Tax, Local Sales Tax,
    Local Income Tax, Travel Tax, Non-Travel Tax, Purchase Tax, Use
    Tax, Abuse Tax, and Greatest Country on Earth(tMS) Tax; those
    mut be paid separately, and are non-refundable.)

Reason Number 4:  BETTER, CHEAPER HEALTH CARE

    So every time I rag on Canada, I get this staple "we have free
    health care" response from the Canadian side. That's nice. Here
    in the U.S., we have doctors who attended medical school. And,
    once we annex Canada, the amount of money that Canadians will
    save by not having to pay GST will _more_ than cover the cost of
    top-notch health insurance here in the U.S. For example: I was
    in Canada for one week. The GST on roughly one-half of my
    purchases was refundable (not all GST is created equal), and
    amounted to about $100Cdn. This is about $200Cdn per week total
    GST, which is roughly $10,000/year. For that amount of money,
    you can buy Blue Cross/Blue Shield's most expensive coverage,
    and still have enough left over to take a pretty nice vacation,
    even after you've converted the currency to American. This is why
    we Merkins vacation more than our Canadian counterparts. Well,
    that and the fact that we need to get the hell out of here every
    once in a while or the scandals will surely drive us over the
    edge.

Reason Number 5:  NO DEFECTIONS

    Canadians LOVE to point to members of the American entertainment
    industry and say things like, "You know that Celine Dion is
    Canadian, don't you?" and "Shania Twain is from Canada." Big
    deal. If Canada were so great, then why do all of these people
    feel the need to defect? If we annexed Canada, it'd all be one
    huge country, so entertainers would no longer have to defect in
    order to find work.

It's simple: The U.S. should annex Canada. We owe it to the
Canadians to do it. And it would be so very easy to pull off: The
Canadian Air Force has already sent its airplane over to the Balkans
as part of the peacekeeping initiative; the entire country is thus
undefended except for a bunch of guys on horseback. All we'd have to
do is make a sufficiently attractive offer to their stockholders --
the Canadian people -- and the deal is as good as signed. Looking at
the arguments presented above, I've no doubt that the Canadian
citizens would jump at the chance.

And in the spirit of annexing Canada, Collage 417 is a spirited look
at ethnic humour (hey, I'm gonna burn for this opener as it is; might
as well finish the job) ...

Shawn King, a well-known Canadian and part-time entertainer who
hasn't yet defected to the U.S., starts this one off with "An
American, an Irishman, and a Canadian";

Warren M. brings us another Canadian piece, titled "FIRE!";

Ahuva L. in Jerusalem, Israel, sends along the "New South Africa
Department Of Education Matriculation Exam";

Stu M. in New Zealand sends us "One Beer Too Many";

Perri N. in Columbia, Maryland, takes credit for the "Top Ten Balkan
Bumper Stickers";

Giles in Palma de Mallorca, Spain, and Mark in the U.K. tag-teamed
the "Brits and Merkins" piece;

Tom in Florida does some "Quick Thinking";

Marv W. in Budd Lake, New Jersey, sends us the "Pecking Order";

Nicolette J. takes credit for the "Lemmings" piece;

Mark B. in the U.K. -- who is concerned that [he] may "start an
international incident here" -- sends us the original piece titled,
"Film at Eleven" (Mark, if my opener doesn't start an international
incident, your comparison of television shows doesn't stand a chance);

and Lorraine D. in Texas closes this one out with "Eye Doctor."

As always, a huge thanks to all of our contributors!

Enjoy ... (meanwhile, I'll be changing my name, my address, and
getting plastic surgery ;-)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  vince@humournet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1999 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: An American, an Irishman, and a Canadian

Three very good friends were driving around one day. One is an
American, one is an Irishman, and the other is a Canadian.

The three were in a serious car accident, instantly killing all of
them. They arrive at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter, seeing these three, hangs his head in despair. It seems
the Gates aren't working, there's a lineup a mile long, and the Boss
is not happy with his performance of late. Now these three arrive.
He decides to make them a deal:

"Give me $500, and I'll send you back right now!"

You don't have to tell the American twice -- he recognizes a deal
when he sees it. Reaching into his pocket, he pulls out $500 and
hands it to Peter. He's immediately sent back to Earth.

At the accident scene, the American starts to move around, scaring
the wits out of those gathered around. He tells his story to the
crowd and the press, who of course don't believe him.

"If that's true," says one reporter, "where are your friends?"

"Well, when I left, the Irishman was trying to talk him down to $300
and the Canadian was yelling, 'SHOULDN'T THE GOVERNMENT PAY FOR
THIS!?'"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: FIRE!

An American, a Brit, and a Canadian were about to be shot by a
firing squad in an Iraqi P.O.W. camp.

The American was the first to stand before the firing line.

The general bellowed, "Ready, Aim, ..." Just then, the American
screamed "Stampede!" Everyone ran for cover and the American escaped
and ran to freedom.

The Brit was next to stand before the firing squad. The general
cried, "READY, AIM, ..." Just then, the Brit yelled, "AIR RAID!"
Everyone ran for cover and the Brit escaped.

The Canadian caught on to what the American and Britisher did ...

The general yelled out, "READY, AIM, ..." Just then the Canadian
yelled "FIRE!!!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: New South Africa Department Of Education Matriculation Exam

[Editor's Note: Most of this one was just a rewrite of the "City of
Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam" (Collage 15). But
Question #2 is pretty good, so I decided to run the piece. Well,
part of it. </vs>]

Please read all instructions carefully:
  Write all answers between the lines.
  No part of the answer book is to be rolled and smoked.
  No children of students are allowed to participate.
  Leave firearms in the possession of the parole officers.
  Bribes may be accepted for amounts exceeding R100,00.
  If this exam does not match that purchased last night, please
  notify the examiner.

QUESTION 1
Philemon has an Ak47 with 2 magazines taped together, each holding
30 rounds. If he misses 8 out of 10 shots how many drive-by taxi
shootings can he attend without having to reload?

QUESTION 2
Philimon has a twelve seater minibus, but to avoid discomfort he
never carries more than 23 people. Assuming each passenger weighs 85
kg and piles 35 kg of luggage on the roof, he drives 140 km/h and
that his brakes are 25% efficient, what would his stopping distance
be?
a) 300m  b) 600m c) 10m if there is another passenger to pick up

QUESTION 3
Jacob is employed as a garden boy for one day a week for 5
households. Assuming that he can make a lawnmower last for 3 months,
how many lawnmowers will the households have to buy in a period of
two years?

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: One Beer Too Many

An Italian was sitting at the bar, having a beer and chatting to the
barman. The 6 o'clock news came on TV and the first story showed a
man on the ledge of a high-rise building, threatening to jump. The
bartender said to the Italian, "Bet you ten bucks he jumps."

"OK," said the Italian.

A minute later the bloke jumps to his death and the Italian hands
over the ten-spot.

"Hey mate, I can't take your money -- I saw this earlier on the five
o'clock news, so I knew he was going to jump," the barman said.

"No, take the money -- I saw it too but didn't think he'd be silly
enough to do it again...."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Top Ten Balkan Bumper Stickers

10. If This Goat Cart's a Rockin', Don't Come a Knockin'

9. If You Ain't MOSLEM, You Ain't SHIITE

8. If You Want My Pitchfork, You'll Have to Pry It From My Cold,
Dead Hands

7. My Serbian Son Beat Up Your Croatian Honor-Roll Student

6. I'm 4 IFOR, Who R U 4?

5. Don't Blame Me, I Voted For Tito

4. I Brake For IFOR

3. Don't Ask Me Where You Are, I Can't Pronounce It Either

2. Don't Follow Me, I'm In a Minefield, Too

1. Honk If You've Been Relocated

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Brits and Merkins

[This] seems to point up a significant difference between Europeans
and Americans:

 A European says, "I can't understand this, what's wrong with me?"
 An American says, "I can't understand this, what's wrong with him?"
    -- Terry Pratchett (author)

[Editor's Note: This makes no sense to me whatsoever. What the hell
was Pratchett thinking when he wrote that, anyway? </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Quick Thinking

Three fellows were shipwrecked on a tiny island: a New Zealander, a
South African, and an Aussie.

No food, no water, no shade -- just sand and more sand.

One day, the New Zealander was walking along the beach when he
spotted a bottle floating in the water. He waded out and got the
bottle. When back on the beach, he uncapped the bottle -- and a
genie came out!

The genie said, "I've been in that bottle for a hundred years. I
appreciate your freeing me. So I will grant each of you one wish."
So saying, he disappeared.

The Kiwi said, "I wish I was in Christchurch," and *poof* he
disappeared.

The Springbok said, "I wish I was in Durban." *Poof*! He also
disappeared.

Looking around, and realizing he was all alone, the Aussie finally
said, "Gee, it sure is lonely around here. I wish my mates were
back!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Pecking Order

During the latest test of the rocket Ariane, a Frenchman was sent
into orbit with a monkey. Each was given an envelope prior to
launch.

When they had finally left the Earth's atmosphere, the monkey opened
his envelope and read the instructions:

"Adjust trim, jettison fuel pods, check matter/anti-matter readings,
correct course to 110 degrees and ease back on throttle controls.
Activate internal and external videos, secure all systems, check all
computers and make all necessary repairs and adjustments."

The Frenchman opened his envelope and found the following
instructions:

"Feed the monkey."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Lemmings

An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch
and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned
beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this
building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If
I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off, too."

The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a
bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

Next day, the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and
cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a
burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna
and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd
known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never
would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him
tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look
at me," she said, "he made his own lunch!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Film at Eleven
By Mark Burbidge

Differences in television programming between the UK and the US (be
sure to view this in a fixed-width font):

UK                                    Merkia
-------------------------------       ------------------------------
Moral of the story is worked          Moral of the story tagged onto
into the story in a subtle manner     the end of a violent kids' TV
                                      show: "And the lesson for this
                                      week IS..."

A story can sometimes not have        If it doesn't have a moral to
a moral, it can just be a story.      start with, it will have one
                                      shortly.

There is a belief that kids can       "...brought to you today by
handle more than one number an        the number 3 and by the letters
hour.                                 P and W"

Sarcasm and irony may be used         Audiences with signs saying
(e.g. Have I Got News For You?)       ++++LAUGH NOW++++

Jeremy Beadle                         Okay, you got me on that one.

[Editor's Note: Forget Jeremy Beadle; we Merkins win with the Ricky
Lake Show. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Eye Doctor

An immigrant from Czechoslovakia went to an eye doctor for a
checkup.

The doctor started with some simple testing, showing him a standard
eye chart with the letters:

CRKBNWXSKZY

The doc asked, "Can you read that?"

Czech says, "Read it? Hell, Doc, I know him!"

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</collage417>