Subject: Collage 416: A Mitzve On Your Head Date: 9/12/1999 4:13 PM Received: 9/12/1999 4:39 PM From: HumourNet, humournet-bounces@humournet.com To: The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour Collage 416 H u m o u r N e t 12 Sep 1999 To start off this Collage, an apology for having left a story out of the opener in Collage 415 (oops); the missing story provided the background for the woman who was attacked by an alligator. The corrected version has been posted to the HumourNet archives. Also, an apology to Suzy for having errantly left her e-mail address in the Collage. I [almost!] never run someone's personal address without prior permission; this one slipped through the cracks. But something that hasn't slipped through the cracks is the Jewish New Year. Michel in France has awarded "Honorary Jew" status to me for the High Holidays. Many thanks to Michel for that; I'll need it, too, considering what I am about to do ... Marcy K. in Las Vegas, Nevada, starts off the New Year's collection with an oldie but a goodie, "L'Shanah Tova"; and then follows up with yet another one, "Desert Vacation Explained"; Kim A., our lovely Assistant Moderator, brings us some "Rules for Living Jewish"; Marshall W. in Merion Station, Pennsylvania, sends along the "Top 15 Jewish Country And Western Song Titles" Jane H. in Atlanta, Georgia, takes credit for the "Progeny Pecking Order"; Rich L. in Sandy, Utah, brings us the "Most Famous Jew"; and Jim C. in Los Angeles, California, closes this one in grand style with the utterly hilarious "Synagogue Seating Request Form." (My Jewish friends really loved this one.) Many thanks to all our contributors -- most of whom, I might point, are Jewish. And to all our Jewish (and "honorary Jewish") members, "L'Shanah Tova." Enjoy. (Not that any of you should appreciate all the work I put these Collages, just so that some of you can have a little humour in your lives ... ;-) - Vince Sabio HumourNet Khazen vince@humournet.com ____________________________________________________________________ Opener (above) Copyright 1999 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message. ____________________________________________________________________ SUBJ: L'Shanah Tova "The Jewish people have observed their 5759th year as a people," the Hebrew teacher informed his class. "Consider that the Chinese have observed only their 4696th. What does this mean to you?" After a reflective pause, one student volunteered, "Well for one thing, the Jews had to do without Chinese food for 1063 years." ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Desert Vacation Explained Q: Why did the Jews wander the desert for 40 years? A: Because someone dropped a quarter. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Rules for Living Jewish For members of the tribe and friends of the tribe here are some rules for living Jewish: 1. Never take a front row seat at a bris. 2. If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish. 3. The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana. 4. And what's wrong with dry turkey? 5. A good kugel sinks in mercury. 6. Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre. 7. Always whisper the names of diseases. 8. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired. 9. Never leave a restaurant empty-handed. 10. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended. 11. A bad matzo ball makes a good paperweight. 12. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy? 13. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants. 14. If you are going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear. 15. No meal is complete without leftovers. 16. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But, if you can, be sure to tell everybody what you paid. 17. The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall. 18. It's not who you know, it's who you know that had a nose job. 19. After the destruction of the Second Temple, God created Loehmann's. 20. WASPs leave and never say goodbye. Jews say goodbye and never leave. 21. Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of Milk of Magnesia. 22. If you don't eat it, it will kill me. 23. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times. 24. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after, how about a nice cruise? 25. Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami. 26. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon. And last, but certainly not least: 27. There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother he is an adult. This usually happens at around age 45. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Top 15 Jewish Country And Western Song Titles 1. "I Was One of the Chosen People ('Til She Chose Somebody Else)" 2. "Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights" 3. "I've Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You? " 4. "My Rowdy Friend Elijah's Comin' Over Tonight" 5. "New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament" 6. "Stand by Your Mensch" 7. "Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes" 8. "I Balanced Your Books, but You're Breaking My Heart" 9. "My Darlin's a Schmendrick and I'm All Verklempt" 10. "That Shiksa Done Made off with My Heart Like a Goniff" 11. "The Second Time She Said 'Shalom', I Knew She Meant 'Goodbye'" 12. "You're the Lox My Bagel's Been Missin'" 13. "You Been Talkin' Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came to Town" 14. "Why Don't We Get Drunk - We're Jews!" 15. "Mamas Don't Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys (When They Could Very Easily Have Just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father Sweated Over for Years Which Apparently Doesn't Mean Anything Now That You're Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)" ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Progeny Pecking Order The first Jewish US president decides to invite his mother, who lives in New York City, to the White House for Thanksgiving dinner. He calls her up and asks, "Mother, how about coming to the White House for Thanksgiving this year?" She says, "Oy, the airports. They're so busy during the holidays. It will be terrible." He says, "Mother, I'm the President of the United States. I'll send Air Force One to the airport and you can get right on." She says, "Oy, the traffic. I'll have to cross the bridge. It will be terrible." He says, "Mother, I'm the President of the United States. I'll send a helicopter to your building to pick you up and bring you to the airport." She says, "If I say I'll go, will you stop bothering me?" They make arrangements and she hangs up the phone and says to her friend who's visiting, "That was my son. He's sending a helicopter to take me to his house for Thanksgiving." Her friend asks, "Oh -- the doctor?" To which she replies, "No -- the other one." ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Most Famous Jew THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH: 1. He went into his father's business. 2. He lived at home until the age of 33. 3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God. THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN: 1. His first name was Jesus. 2. He was bilingual. 3. He was always being harassed by the authorities. THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN: 1. He talked with his hands. 2. He had wine with every meal. 3. He worked in the building trades. THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN: 1. He never cut his hair. 2. He walked around barefoot. 3. He created a new religion THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH: 1. He never got married. 2. He was always telling stories. 3. He loved green pastures and finally ... THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK: 1. He called everybody brother. 2. He liked Gospel. 3. He couldn't get a fair trial. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Synagogue Seating Request Form During the last holiday season, many individuals expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible ... 1. I would prefer to sit in the... (Check one:) ___ Talking section ___ No talking section 2. If talking, which category do you prefer? (Indicate order of interest) ___ Stock market ___ Sports ___ Medicine ___ Congregates' secret medical tragedies ___ General gossip ___ Specific gossip (choose:) ___ The rabbi ___ The cantor ___ The cantor's voice ___ The cantor's wife ___ The rabbi's wife ___ The cantor's wife's voice ___ The rabbi ___ The rabbi's wife ___ The rabbi's "secretary" ___ Fashion news ___ What others are wearing ___ Why they look awful ___ Your neighbors ___ Your relatives ___ Your neighbors' relatives ___ Sex (Preference: ___ Who's cheating on/having an affair with whom ___ Other: 3. Which of the following would you like to be near for free professional advice? ___ Doctor ___ Dentist ___ Nutritionist ___ Psychiatrist ___ Child psychiatrist ___ Mother in law ___ Podiatrist ___ Chiropractor ___ Stockbroker ___ Accountant ___ Attorney ___ Criminal ___ Civil ___ Real estate agent ___ Architect ___ Plumber [tentative; we're still trying to find a Jewish one] ___ Buyer (Specify store: _______________________ ) ___ Sexologist ___ Golf pro [tentative; we're still trying to find a Jewish one] ___ Other: ____________________________ 4. I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority:) ___ On the aisle ___ Near the exit ___ Near the window ___ Near the bathroom ___ Near my in-laws ___ As far away from my in-laws as possible ___ As far away from my ex-in-laws as possible ___ Near the pulpit ___ Near the Kiddush table ___ Near single men ___ Near available women ___ Near anyone who's available; I'm bisexual or just not particular ___ Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services ___ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services ___ Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon [additional charge] 5. (Orthodox only.) I would like a seat where: ___ I can see my spouse over the mechitza ___ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza ___ I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza ___ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the mechitza 6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people: (Limit of six; if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining another congregation.) Your name: _________________________________ Building fund pledge: _________________________ ******************************************************************** Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy of the rest of us. ******************************************************************** HumourNet is brought to you by "Lyris" -- an innovative list server from Lyris Technologies, Inc.: . HumourNet's Web and FTP sites are hosted by gamerz.net: . The HumourNet mailing list, Web site, and archives are completely free of advertising, and are funded through sales of "SmartBounce," our industry-standard bounce handler for mailing lists. If you run a mailing list, and have a problem with mail bounces, then you might need SmartBounce: . To subscribe to the HumourNet mailing list, send the following command to : subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems, either (1) send any message to for a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web interface at , or (3) send a detailed description of the problem to . To unsubscribe, (1) send any message (or, even better, forward THIS message) to , (2) visit Lyris's Web interface at , or (3) refer to your Welcome message for more detailed instructions. For instructions on contributing material to HumourNet, send any message to . >>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors, not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the text wherever possible. <<< The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP: Web: FTP: Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that 1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer, and 2) no fee is charged. There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; send any message to , or refer to your Welcome message for details. ******************************************************************** "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd. ********************************************************************