Subject:     Collage 416: A Mitzve On Your Head
Date:        9/12/1999 4:13 PM
Received:    9/12/1999 4:39 PM
From:        HumourNet, humournet-bounces@humournet.com
To:          The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour

Collage 416              H u m o u r N e t              12 Sep 1999

To start off this Collage, an apology for having left a story out of
the opener in Collage 415 (oops); the missing story provided the
background for the woman who was attacked by an alligator. The
corrected version has been posted to the HumourNet archives.

Also, an apology to Suzy for having errantly left her e-mail address
in the Collage. I [almost!] never run someone's personal address
without prior permission; this one slipped through the cracks.

But something that hasn't slipped through the cracks is the Jewish
New Year. Michel in France has awarded "Honorary Jew" status to me
for the High Holidays. Many thanks to Michel for that; I'll need it,
too, considering what I am about to do ...

Marcy K. in Las Vegas, Nevada, starts off the New Year's collection
with an oldie but a goodie, "L'Shanah Tova"; and then follows up
with yet another one, "Desert Vacation Explained";

Kim A., our lovely Assistant Moderator, brings us some "Rules for
Living Jewish";

Marshall W. in Merion Station, Pennsylvania, sends along the "Top 15
Jewish Country And Western Song Titles"

Jane H. in Atlanta, Georgia, takes credit for the "Progeny Pecking
Order";

Rich L. in Sandy, Utah, brings us the "Most Famous Jew";

and Jim C. in Los Angeles, California, closes this one in grand style
with the utterly hilarious "Synagogue Seating Request Form." (My
Jewish friends really loved this one.)

Many thanks to all our contributors -- most of whom, I might point,
are Jewish. And to all our Jewish (and "honorary Jewish") members,
"L'Shanah Tova."

Enjoy. (Not that any of you should appreciate all the work I put
these Collages, just so that some of you can have a little humour
in your lives ... ;-)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Khazen
  vince@humournet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1999 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: L'Shanah Tova

"The Jewish people have observed their 5759th year as a people," the
Hebrew teacher informed his class. "Consider that the Chinese have
observed only their 4696th. What does this mean to you?"

After a reflective pause, one student volunteered, "Well for one
thing, the Jews had to do without Chinese food for 1063 years."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Desert Vacation Explained

Q: Why did the Jews wander the desert for 40 years?
A: Because someone dropped a quarter.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Rules for Living Jewish

For members of the tribe and friends of the tribe here are some
rules for living Jewish:

1. Never take a front row seat at a bris.

2. If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.

3. The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana.

4. And what's wrong with dry turkey?

5. A good kugel sinks in mercury.

6. Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors
d'oeuvre.

7. Always whisper the names of diseases.

8. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.

9. Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.

10. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate
side of the street parking is suspended.

11. A bad matzo ball makes a good paperweight.

12. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?

13. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten
only in Chinese restaurants.

14. If you are going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud
enough for everyone else to hear.

15. No meal is complete without leftovers.

16. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But, if you
can, be sure to tell everybody what you paid.

17. The only thing more important than a good education is a good
parking spot at the mall.

18. It's not who you know, it's who you know that had a nose job.

19. After the destruction of the Second Temple, God created
Loehmann's.

20. WASPs leave and never say goodbye. Jews say goodbye and never
leave.

21. Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of Milk
of Magnesia.

22. If you don't eat it, it will kill me.

23. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

24. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after, how about a nice cruise?

25. Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami.

26. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and
eating dinner at four in the afternoon.

And last, but certainly not least:

27. There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up
and tell his mother he is an adult. This usually happens at around
age 45.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Top 15 Jewish Country And Western Song Titles

1. "I Was One of the Chosen People ('Til She Chose Somebody Else)"

2. "Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights"

3. "I've Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You? "

4. "My Rowdy Friend Elijah's Comin' Over Tonight"

5. "New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament"

6. "Stand by Your Mensch"

7. "Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes"

8. "I Balanced Your Books, but You're Breaking My Heart"

9. "My Darlin's a Schmendrick and I'm All Verklempt"

10. "That Shiksa Done Made off with My Heart Like a Goniff"

11. "The Second Time She Said 'Shalom', I Knew She Meant 'Goodbye'"

12. "You're the Lox My Bagel's Been Missin'"

13. "You Been Talkin' Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came to
Town"

14. "Why Don't We Get Drunk - We're Jews!"

15. "Mamas Don't Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys
(When They Could Very Easily Have Just Taken Over the Family
Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start
and My Father Sweated Over for Years Which Apparently Doesn't Mean
Anything Now That You're Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Progeny Pecking Order

The first Jewish US president decides to invite his mother, who
lives in New York City, to the White House for Thanksgiving dinner.
He calls her up and asks, "Mother, how about coming to the White
House for Thanksgiving this year?"

She says, "Oy, the airports. They're so busy during the holidays. It
will be terrible."

He says, "Mother, I'm the President of the United States. I'll send
Air Force One to the airport and you can get right on."

She says, "Oy, the traffic. I'll have to cross the bridge. It will
be terrible."

He says, "Mother, I'm the President of the United States. I'll send
a helicopter to your building to pick you up and bring you to the
airport."

She says, "If I say I'll go, will you stop bothering me?"

They make arrangements and she hangs up the phone and says to her
friend who's visiting, "That was my son. He's sending a helicopter
to take me to his house for Thanksgiving."

Her friend asks, "Oh -- the doctor?"

To which she replies, "No -- the other one."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Most Famous Jew

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:
  1. He went into his father's business.
  2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
  3. He was sure his mother was a virgin,
     and his mother was sure he was God.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:
  1. His first name was Jesus.
  2. He was bilingual.
  3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
  1. He talked with his hands.
  2. He had wine with every meal.
  3. He worked in the building trades.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:
  1. He never cut his hair.
  2. He walked around barefoot.
  3. He created a new religion

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:
  1. He never got married.
  2. He was always telling stories.
  3. He loved green pastures

and finally ...

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:
  1. He called everybody brother.
  2. He liked Gospel.
  3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Synagogue Seating Request Form

During the last holiday season, many individuals expressed concern
over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to
place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete
the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as
soon as possible ...

1. I would prefer to sit in the... (Check one:)

  ___ Talking section
  ___ No talking section

2. If talking, which category do you prefer?

(Indicate order of interest)

  ___ Stock market
  ___ Sports
  ___ Medicine
  ___ Congregates' secret medical tragedies
  ___ General gossip
  ___ Specific gossip (choose:)
    ___ The rabbi
    ___ The cantor
    ___ The cantor's voice
    ___ The cantor's wife
    ___ The rabbi's wife
    ___ The cantor's wife's voice
    ___ The rabbi
    ___ The rabbi's wife
    ___ The rabbi's "secretary"
    ___ Fashion news
    ___ What others are wearing
    ___ Why they look awful
    ___ Your neighbors
    ___ Your relatives
    ___ Your neighbors' relatives
    ___ Sex (Preference:
    ___ Who's cheating on/having an affair with whom
    ___ Other:

3. Which of the following would you like to be near for free
professional advice?

  ___ Doctor
  ___ Dentist
  ___ Nutritionist
  ___ Psychiatrist
  ___ Child psychiatrist
  ___ Mother in law
  ___ Podiatrist
  ___ Chiropractor
  ___ Stockbroker
  ___ Accountant
  ___ Attorney
    ___ Criminal
    ___ Civil
  ___ Real estate agent
  ___ Architect
  ___ Plumber [tentative; we're still trying to find a Jewish one]
  ___ Buyer (Specify store: _______________________ )
  ___ Sexologist
  ___ Golf pro [tentative; we're still trying to find a Jewish one]
  ___ Other: ____________________________

4. I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority:)

  ___ On the aisle
  ___ Near the exit
  ___ Near the window
  ___ Near the bathroom
  ___ Near my in-laws
  ___ As far away from my in-laws as possible
  ___ As far away from my ex-in-laws as possible
  ___ Near the pulpit
  ___ Near the Kiddush table
  ___ Near single men
  ___ Near available women
  ___ Near anyone who's available; I'm bisexual or just not particular
  ___ Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services
  ___ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services
  ___ Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon [additional charge]

5. (Orthodox only.) I would like a seat where:

  ___ I can see my spouse over the mechitza
  ___ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
  ___ I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
  ___ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the
      mechitza

6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people:
   (Limit of six; if you require more space, you may wish to consider
   joining another congregation.)

Your name: _________________________________

Building fund pledge: _________________________

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