Subject:     Collage 415: The Intellectual Proletariat Rides Again
Date:        9/4/1999 6:29 PM
Received:    9/5/1999 6:56 AM
From:        HumourNet
Reply-To:    HumourNet Moderator
To:          The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour

Collage 415              H u m o u r N e t              04 Sep 1999

Omigosh, the Intellectual Proletariat (IP) are at it again ...

<AP News Wire>

    "Man Rides Lawn Mower Over Cliff"

    PORT ANGELES, Wash. -- A man fell 200 feet to his death when
    his riding lawn mower went over a cliff.

    (I could stop right there. <g>)

    Ken Campbell, 55, started mowing the lawn Friday afternoon
    at his vacation home just east of Port Angeles, Clallam
    County sheriff's deputies said. He turned sharply to avoid
    the cliff, but the mower, locked in high gear, rolled and
    tumbled along with Campbell down a sandstone bluff to the
    rocky beach below, deputies said.

</AP>

It takes a lot of guts to head straight for a 200-foot cliff in high
gear. It also doesn't require much in the way of brains. Level II
Stupid. (For definitions of the "Three Levels of Stupidity," newer
subscribers are referred to Collage 301. Collage 357 also provides
some entertaining anecdotes on the misadventures of the IP.)

Speaking of all guts and no brains, here's one that was recently
posted to the "Darwin" mailing list:

    Ms. Dozois, who received 75 stitches on her leg, said they
    should have been more careful.

    "We had been sitting near the water talking before it got
    dark and saw the gator stick its head out of the water a
    couple of times," she said.

(Thanks to Jason V. in Auburn, Alabama, for that one.)

Some of these stories, such as the following one, go back a couple
of years. But they are just as amusing as the day they posted. The
following summary is from Richard B. in Highland Park, New Jersey:

<Washington Post, January 23, 1997>

    As reported in the Washington Post, Wilber "nah, looks like
    a dud" Turcios had the misfortune of setting off a glorified
    blasting cap that he found near the National Geographic
    Building:

        "I pull off the [first] safety and nothing happens,
        I pull up the second safety and, wow --- boom!"

</Washington Post>

Yeah -- "wow, boom." Next time, remember to pull those safeties off
with your teeth in order to get the full cull^W effect.

Speaking of "wow, boom," we swing the IPCam to point at ... Russia
(glad to see that they're finally joining in the festivities):

<Reuters News Wire>

    "Under The Spreading Chestnut Tree, The Vill...oops"

    (That was Reuters's actual headline!)

    MOSCOW - A blacksmith in a Russian village was killed by an
    explosion after hammering on a cannon shell he had used as
    an anvil for 10 years, the daily Komsomolskaya Pravda said
    Tuesday.

    The newspaper said someone had given him the shell a decade
    ago saying it was a training dummy. The smith, who had never
    served in the army, had been using what he thought was just
    a heavy piece of metal as an improvised anvil.

    "Now there is a deep hole in the ground instead of a village
    smithy," the daily said.

</Reuters>

Interestingly, the cumulative I.Q. of the village remained unchanged
as a result of the incident.

And we have lots more incidents where those came from, in a long-
overdue "Intellectual Proletariat" Collage ...

Michael W. in Casper, Wyoming, starts us off with "Getting An Autopsy,
Will Return Shortly";

Randy L. in El Paso, Texas, brings us the "Stochastics Whiz";

Donna W.in Roslindale, Massachusetts, takes credit for "The Peter
Principle";

Mike K. in Kinsman, Illinois, submits the "Hindenburg Detector";

Gordon C. in Salt Lake City, Utah, sends us an account of the "State
of Confusion";

Yvonne P. in Arlington, Virginia, tells us that "Size Matters";

Scott J., formerly in Davis, California, takes credit for "Call Us If
You Don't Receive This Message, Take I";

Dennis W., in or near Lincoln, Nebraska, follows through with "Call
Us If You Don't Receive This Message, Take II";

Jim M. in Boulder, Colorado, completes the set with "Call Us If You
Don't Receive This Message, Take III";

Curtis C. in or around Cedar Rapids, Iowa, instructs us in "Avoiding
Computer Bugs 101";

Gordon G. brings us the "Consumer Label Instructions for the
Terminally Stupid, Take I";

Kaiti T. in Alexandria, Virginia, warns us to "Beware the Flammable
Cement," and also takes credit for "Consumer Label Instructions for
the Terminally Stupid, Take II";

Russ N. in Honey Grove, Texas, closes out the suite with "Consumer
Label Instructions for the Terminally Stupid, Take III";

and Dana E. in Montreal, Canada, gets in "The Final Word."

Huge thanks to all our contributors -- and especially to Brian B. in
Arlington, Texas, who suggested this modification of HumourNet's
motto:

    Anyone without a clue is at the mercy of everyone else.

Indeed.

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  vince at humournet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1999 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Getting An Autopsy, Will Return Shortly

Myself and another manager were in the office discussing the evening
ahead, when he answered the phone. After talking to the person for a
minute or so, he told the person on the phone that she would have to
talk to me and handed me the phone. It was one of the employees
calling in sick. It was the manner she called in that cracked us up
-- she told us that she had to have an autopsy! He had her talk to me
so he would have a witness; he said that no one would believe him
otherwise.

Interesting, though -- she came to work the next day.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Stochastics Whiz

Caller ID has opened new opportunities for Level II (and beyond) folks
to prove their qualifications as potential doorknobs. I called a wrong
number recently, and realized my mistake when no one answered after
several rings. That afternoon I received a call from a woman that went
as follows:

"I'm Mrs. Jones. Did you call me today?"

"I don't remember calling you. But I dialed a wrong number today and
that might have been yours."

"How could you dial my number by mistake? It's unlisted!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Peter Principle

I swear to God the following really happened; I have categorized it
as Level II Stupidity.

I work for a gourmet food importer that was purchased several years
ago by a large mid-western food manufacturer that I will not name but
that produces a product for which the act of "spamming" was named.

One day, a co-worker was on the phone with someone in the unnamed
food manufacturer's international banking department. My co-worker
inquired into the daily exchange rate on French francs.

There was a short pause, then the person at the other end of the
phone asked, "What are those -- some kind of little French hotdog?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Hindenburg Detector

The "Adventures of the Totally Clueless" in Collage 357 reminded me
of a new engineer at my job. I work in the Instrumentation shop, and
the engineer mentioned previously came in to borrow a hydrogen
detector.

The tool crib attendant promptly handed him a propane torch, and he
turned and left the shop.

The shop population broke out with laughter. Just as someone was
being nominated to go rescue him (and us), he returned with the
torch, asking

"How will I know if I find hydrogen?"

The tool crib attendant answered, "Don't worry, *you'll* know!"

Satisfied with the answer, he again departed the shop.

After the shop broke out laughing, the designated rescuer left to
retrieve him before any damage was done.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: State of Confusion

After reading your most recent collage, I remembered an experience
that I had several years ago.

I called a machine shop in California to purchase a new motor for my
car. (They had an exceptional price for the motor advertised in a
magazine.)

After verifying that they did indeed have the motor I wanted, I asked
the girl (I still remember that her name was Valerie) on the phone if
she could estimate the shipping costs for me. She asked where I was
and I told her "Salt Lake City."

Valerie inquired, "Where is that?" I informed her that Salt Lake City
was in Utah to which she replied "Is that in California?"

After that I just told her to forget the shipping quote and to send
the motor, figuring that even if she didn't know geography maybe the
shipping company would. They did, I got the motor.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Beware the Flammable Cement

I was at a high school bus stop with some other kids, and it was
REALLY COLD. We were in front of a house and someone decided to light
this house's newspaper on fire to get warm. Well, it burned down to
smoldering, and I said, "Yeah, you better stomp that out, or the
concrete will light on fire."

A girl turned to me and said, "Concrete can catch fire?"

Thinking she was joking, I said, "Sure, why do you think concrete
buildings always burn down? Concrete has a lot of air in it!"

She said, "Wow. Ya learn something new everyday, huh?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Size Matters

Here's the story: I'm in McDonald's, I ask for a medium coke. I'm
told, "We don't have medium." I say, "Fine, what do you have?" The
braniac at the counter says, "We only have small, large, and
supersize." I give him a stupid look and say, "Just give me the one
in the middle."

He had a hard time figuring out which was which.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Call Us If You Don't Receive This Message, Take I

Hey Vince,

I am attaching the following letter for one purpose -- [it is a]
variation on a famous HumourNet inside joke. It's from [U.C. Davis],
from which I just graduated.

[Editor's Note: The "inside joke" to which Scott refers is the
proclivity that some people seem to have for putting comments like
"Call me if you don't receive this message" into electronic
correspondence. Refer to Collage 262 for a more detailed explanation
of this joke. </vs>]

[Start of Message]

Greetings,

This electronic mail notice has been automatically generated by the
account management system.

Our records currently show that the owner [...] of this account [...]
has graduated, retired, or left the University.

[snip instructions on how to move to move your data files to a
different machine </vs>]

If this account is no longer being used, you may disregard this
notice.

Regards,
--Accounts Manager

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Call Us If You Don't Receive This Message, Take II

I thought you might appreciate this. This particular list has had
some problems with Majordomo lately. Apparently, the list owner is
sending a message to the list telling people who *don't* receive it
to re-sub...

[Start of Message]

Subject: Major dumbo at it again....
Reply-to: lewises&#64;flatoday.infi.net

Ok guys, make sure you are still sub'd. [the list server] is acting
stupid.

::snip::

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Call Us If You Don't Receive This Message, Take III

Hi Vince,

I got this from our department secretary yesterday; I swear I am not
making this up! (Names changed to protect the intellectually
challenged.)

[Start of Message]

To: <snipped>
Subject: FW: Internet Addresses for new Exhange Mailing Lists
Date: Mon, 25 Aug 1997 12:32:23 -0600

Test! Please let me know if you do not get this. Just send me a quick
response back.

Thank you for your time!
Sheila

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Avoiding Computer Bugs 101

I am a systems test engineer and I do QA on hand held computers; I
have also done QA on software for years. I thought this quote was
very amusing, because the person who said it was serious:

"Well if you FOUND a bug, you *MUST* be doing your testing wrong!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Consumer Label Instructions for the Terminally Stupid, Take I

I recently purchased one of those long-stemmed lighters -- the kind
designed for lighting charcoal grills, fireplace fires, candles, and
anything difficult to reach with a conventional lighter or a match. I
happened to look at the warning label on the back of the package. It
said:

    Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks.

Since the lighter produces a spark to ignite a flame to start a fire,
I guess it's just too dangerous to use. I'm returning it tomorrow and
plan to cite the warning label as the reason for return.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Consumer Label Instructions for the Terminally Stupid, Take II

Actual label instructions on consumer goods ...

On a blanket from Taiwan:
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO

On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists:
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU

On a Korean kitchen knife:
KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN

On an Indonesian packet of nuts:
OPEN PACKET AND EAT CONTENTS

On a pack of Sainsbury's (UK) salted peanuts:
WARNING: CONTAINS NUTS

On a Taiwanese shampoo:
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE

On a Marks and Spencer's (UK) bread and butter pudding:
WARNING: PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING

On the bottle-top of a flavoured milk drink:
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT

On an Aussie iron:
WARNING: NEVER IRON CLOTHES ON THE BODY.

On a New Zealand insect spray:
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

In an American guide to setting up a new computer:
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM
TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was on the
INSIDE of the box.)

On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids:
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION
LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR
APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Consumer Label Instructions for the Terminally Stupid, Take III

More actual label instructions on consumer goods ...

On Sears hair dryer:
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

On a bag of Fritos:
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.

On a bar of Dial soap:
DIRECTIONS: USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

On some Swann frozen dinners:
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
FITS ONE HEAD.

On Tesco's tiramisu dessert:
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (printed on bottom of the box)

On Boot's children's cough medicine:
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

On Nytol sleep aid:
WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

On a Japanese food processor:
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.

On a child's Superman costume:
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.

On a Swedish chain saw:
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.

[Editor's Note: Sage advice. However, it suggests that either
Swedish men aren't terribly bright, or Swedish women have been
keeping one HELLUVA secret from the rest of the women on the
planet. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Final Word

"The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and
stupidity." -- Harlan Ellison

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</collage415>