Subject: Collage 414: Geeks With Personality Date: 8/21/1999 3:07 PM Received: 8/21/1999 4:00 PM From: HumourNet, humournet-bounces@humournet.com Reply-To: HumourNet Moderator, vince@humournet.com To: The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour, humournet@lyris.n Collage 414 H u m o u r N e t 21 Aug 1999 Battle of the Geeks: AOL is suing AT&T over AT&T's use of the term "You Have Mail," claiming that it is too similar to AOL's "You've Got Mail" notification, which is a registered trademark of AOL. First of all, if AOL were to trademark a common Internet phrase, the phrase really should be "You've Got Spam," not "You've Got Mail." A federal judge has apparently rejected AOL's request for an injunction to block AT&T's use of the term. I should hope that somewhere in his written decision appeared the words, "better use of my time." Those of you interested in the story may find more information here: In more entertaining (albeit less recent) geek news, the following job opening was apparently posted to the ISP-JOBS mailing list in October 1998: Job Posting: RTP, NC - Wanted: Geeks With Personality [...] We seek intelligent, articulate self-starters with excellent customer service skills. Rumor has it they're still trying to fill the position. ;-) And so we come to another Computer Humour Collage(tMS), with credits duly noted as follows: Glenn Z. in Racine, Wisconsin, responds to the AOL v. AT&T debacle with "Top Ten Computer Lawsuits"; Charles D. provides some enlightenment on the geeks-with-personality job market with "To Sysadmin Or Not To Sysadmin"; Andy M. in Gothenburg, Sweden, describes the "Wonders of the U.K. Banking System"; Duncan S. in College Park, Maryland, sends along "The Lesser-Known Programming Languages #10: SIMPLE"; Pastor Rus Jeffrey, our Official [and infamous] HumourNet List Pastor, brings us "You Know You've Been In Computers Too Long" (stay tuned for a Major Announcement(tMS) from Rus; hint: HumourNet may be spinning off its second major mailing list ... ); Randy Cassingham in Boulder, Colorado, takes credit for the piece titled, "Computer Book Titles We Probably Won't See"; Former two-time loser^W HumourNet moderator John Mozena sends us "Geek Theology"; and Joshua Z. in Mountain View, California, provides a "Correction to Collage 408." Huge thanks to our contributors, and also to Kim, HumourNet's Assistant Moderator, for providing the "Geeks With Personality" web page. And finally, a request for assistance: About a year ago, someone sent me a piece titled, "Heisenberg and Software," about application of the Heisenberg Principle to software verification and test. I edited the piece, and then submitted it into the queue -- but since I provided the edit, the piece now appears with my name as the author. (*sigh* Heisenberg strikes again.) If you authored this piece, or know the person who authored it, please send me the appropriate information; the piece is slated to appear in the next "Geek Humour" Collage. Happy bytes! - Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator vince@humournet.com ____________________________________________________________________ Opener (above) Copyright 1999 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message. ____________________________________________________________________ SUBJ: Top Ten Computer Lawsuits What is it with these computer companies and their silly lawsuits? First you have Digital suing Intel, then Intel countersuing, and now Oracle and Informix mixing it up. Don't these guys have anything better to do? Apparently not, as our list of top ten new computer lawsuits indicates: 10. Larry Ellison sues Bill Gates: unfair to have more money than I! 9. Car Thieves' Union sues HotWired: trademark infringement 8. NetJet sues ValuJet for ruining a perfectly good product name 7. Bill Gates sues Alfred E. Neuman: impersonation 6. EPA sues AOL for polluting landfills with all those damned CDs 5. Intel sues Motorola: "Oops, Pentium error!" 4. Used Car Dealer Association sues Packard Bell: "That was our idea!" 3. Microsoft files antitrust suit against U.S. government: "They run everything!" 2. U.S. Milk Advisory Board sues Gateway over new slogan: "Got computers?" 1. Apple sues itself; after all, whose fault is it, anyway? (Courtesy of C|Net's NEWS.COM: ) ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: To Sysadmin Or Not To Sysadmin The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: Oracle most wise and wonderful, I am at a career crossroads; should I become an astronaut, a fireman, or a sysadmin? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: This is the kind of question that these "handy comparison charts" were just made to answer: PURPOSE OF YOUR CAREER Astronaut: Advancing scientific knowledge for the good of humanity. Fireman: Saving lives and property. Sysadmin: Assuring uninterrupted access to alt.binaries.erotica.sheep ADVICE YOU'LL GIVE KIDS WHO WANT TO FOLLOW IN YOUR FOOTSTEPS Astronaut: "Study science and math and eat your vegetables." Fireman: "Study science and math and eat your vegetables." Sysadmin: "DON'T DO IT! RUN AWAY!" QUESTION YOU'LL BE MOST TIRED OF ANSWERING Astronaut: "Where do you go to the bathroom?" Fireman: "Do you really slide down a pole when the alarm goes off?" Sysadmin: "Can't you do anything about all this spam I've been getting?" WILL YOU EVER BE ON TV? Astronaut: Yes! Fireman: Occasionally. Sysadmin: Only MSNBC's "The Site," which technically doesn't count as television. WILL YOUR JOB EVER GET ANY EASIER? Astronaut: As computers get more and more advanced and able to control more of the functions of the space vehicle, yes. Fireman: As more and more people install smoke detectors in their homes, yes. Sysadmin: As more and more clueless newbies discover the Internet, absolutely not. INSPIRING MOVIE ABOUT YOUR PROFESSION Astronaut: "The Right Stuff" Fireman: "Backdraft" Sysadmin: Uh... gee, I'm really drawing a blank here... "Wargames"? YOUR WORK HOURS Astronaut: Fairly long days during the mission, but lots and lots of time between missions to relax. Fireman: 24-hour shifts, but 48 hours between shifts to relax. Sysadmin: Not really "work hours" or even "work days" ... more like "work millennia." FRINGE BENEFITS OF YOUR JOB Astronaut: Lots of good stories to tell to impress the chicks. Fireman: Lots of good stories to tell to impress the chicks. Sysadmin: You get ALL of the jokes in "Dilbert." NUMBER OF COMPLAINTS ABOUT YOUR PROFESSION Astronaut: A few, from people who think the government should be spending its money in different ways. Fireman: A few, from people who think you take too long to arrive following a 911 call. Sysadmin: What comes after "trillion"? YOUR COMMUTER VEHICLE Astronaut: Multimillion-dollar space vehicle atop multimillion-dollar rocket. Fireman: Big red truck with flashing lights and siren. Sysadmin: 1978 AMC Gremlin. Was once bright green. In conclusion, if the sysadmin option has seemed the most appealing in even one of these categories, you should become a sysadmin. Can't you do anything about all this spam I've been getting? ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Wonders of the U.K. Banking System When I was living in Glasgow, I had an account at a local Clydesdale Bank. One week, a direct debit that I'd cancelled seemed to have gone through regardless. When I went to my branch to ask for a list the account activity over the last 24 hours, I was told to come back the next day, because the list would take at least that long to compile. "Why?" "Everything's on computer now." ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: The Lesser-Known Programming Languages #10: SIMPLE SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: You Know You've Been In Computers Too Long ... When somebody asks you for a bus schedule and you catch yourself wondering if it is 16 or 32 bit. When you dream in 256 palettes of 256 colors each. When you pick up a phone and start dialing an IP address. When you start to double click lift buttons. When you are looking for an icon to open your bedroom window. When you look for a scroll bar to get to the next page in the book you are reading. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Computer Book Titles We Probably Won't See ... There's a thread going on the Computer Book Author list, started by someone saying (tongue in cheek) [he is] writing a book on server security called "Stranger in a Strange LAN." Here are some of the better retorts.... Christian Crumlish: I'm working on "Fear and Loathing" in 21 Days, the sequel to my bestselling technical/literature breakthrough, "Moby-Mac." Daniel Dern: I'm busily not working on: Forget Java in 21 Minutes The Netscape Navigator Guide to Microsoft Bugs MSIE 4.0, Users 0 We Got to the Moon on 32K and Now I Need 64M Just to Write a Memo -- and -- WebCams of the Rich and Famous: Peeking in on Bill and Other People Who Don't Know A Lot About IP Security [Editor's Note: the date line on this piece is 13 Oct 1997. ] ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Geek Theology In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero. On the first day, he toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and "active low" signals didn't yet exist.) On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe wasn't. God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh, and spent the rest of the day (and his first all-nighter) reinstalling the universe. On the third day, the bit cried "Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign!" And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype. Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized that "new and improved" wouldn't do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit. Many bits followed, but only one was so honored. On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and 'logical shift' instructions. And a common bit discovered that -- by performing a single shift instruction -- it could become the Most Significant Bit. And God realized the importance of computer security. On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of the ALU, with wonderful features, and said "Forget that add and shift stuff. Go forth and multiply." And God saw that it was good. On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines, register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restartable instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the sixth day must have been a Monday. On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced Windows into the Universe, and it hasn't worked right since. (Author Unknown) ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Correction to Collage 408 One of your jokes [in Collage 408] has some grave factual errors, including: Apple only recommends use of the ImageWriter as a home security device for trips under two weeks -- in that time the ImageWriter will either finish the document or jam. I spoke with Apple's tech support department and they assured me that the ImageWriter never finishes printing a document longer than two pages without jamming, and that printing a document of that length even in "Best" quality mode takes only one week, not two. Their lawyers asked that you publish a correction to this item. ******************************************************************** Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy of the rest of us. ******************************************************************** HumourNet is brought to you by "Lyris" -- an innovative list server from Lyris Technologies, Inc.: . HumourNet's Web and FTP sites are hosted by gamerz.net: . The HumourNet mailing list, Web site, and archives are completely free of advertising, and are funded through sales of "SmartBounce," our industry-standard bounce handler for mailing lists. If you run a mailing list, and have a problem with mail bounces, then you might need SmartBounce: . 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