Subject:     Collage 414: Geeks With Personality
Date:        8/21/1999 3:07 PM
Received:    8/21/1999 4:00 PM
From:        HumourNet, humournet-bounces@humournet.com
Reply-To:    HumourNet Moderator, vince@humournet.com
To:          The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour, humournet@lyris.n

Collage 414              H u m o u r N e t              21 Aug 1999

Battle of the Geeks: AOL is suing AT&T over AT&T's use of the term
"You Have Mail," claiming that it is too similar to AOL's "You've
Got Mail" notification, which is a registered trademark of AOL.

First of all, if AOL were to trademark a common Internet phrase, the
phrase really should be "You've Got Spam," not "You've Got Mail."

A federal judge has apparently rejected AOL's request for an injunction
to block AT&T's use of the term. I should hope that somewhere in his
written decision appeared the words, "better use of my time."

Those of you interested in the story may find more information here:

  <http://www.cnnfn.com/digitaljam/9901/04/aol/>

In more entertaining (albeit less recent) geek news, the following
job opening was apparently posted to the ISP-JOBS mailing list in
October 1998:

    Job Posting: RTP, NC - Wanted: Geeks With Personality

    [...] We seek intelligent, articulate self-starters with
    excellent customer service skills.

Rumor has it they're still trying to fill the position. ;-)

  <http://archives.isp-lists.com/isp-jobs/9810/msg00009.html>

And so we come to another Computer Humour Collage(tMS), with credits
duly noted as follows:

Glenn Z. in Racine, Wisconsin, responds to the AOL v. AT&T debacle
with "Top Ten Computer Lawsuits";

Charles D. provides some enlightenment on the geeks-with-personality
job market with "To Sysadmin Or Not To Sysadmin";

Andy M. in Gothenburg, Sweden, describes the "Wonders of the U.K.
Banking System";

Duncan S. in College Park, Maryland, sends along "The Lesser-Known
Programming Languages #10: SIMPLE";

Pastor Rus Jeffrey, our Official [and infamous] HumourNet List Pastor,
brings us "You Know You've Been In Computers Too Long" (stay tuned
for a Major Announcement(tMS) from Rus; hint: HumourNet may be
spinning off its second major mailing list ... <g>);

Randy Cassingham in Boulder, Colorado, takes credit for the piece
titled, "Computer Book Titles We Probably Won't See";

Former two-time loser^W HumourNet moderator John Mozena sends us
"Geek Theology";

and Joshua Z. in Mountain View, California, provides a "Correction
to Collage 408."

Huge thanks to our contributors, and also to Kim, HumourNet's
Assistant Moderator, for providing the "Geeks With Personality"
web page.

And finally, a request for assistance: About a year ago, someone sent
me a piece titled, "Heisenberg and Software," about application of
the Heisenberg Principle to software verification and test. I edited
the piece, and then submitted it into the queue -- but since I
provided the edit, the piece now appears with my name as the author.
(*sigh* Heisenberg strikes again.) If you authored this piece, or
know the person who authored it, please send me the appropriate
information; the piece is slated to appear in the next "Geek Humour"
Collage.

Happy bytes!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  vince&#64;humournet.com
____________________________________________________________________
     Opener (above) Copyright 1999 by Vincent Sabio
 Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
 please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Top Ten Computer Lawsuits

What is it with these computer companies and their silly lawsuits?
First you have Digital suing Intel, then Intel countersuing, and now
Oracle and Informix mixing it up. Don't these guys have anything
better to do? Apparently not, as our list of top ten new computer
lawsuits indicates:

10. Larry Ellison sues Bill Gates: unfair to have more money than I!

9. Car Thieves' Union sues HotWired: trademark infringement

8. NetJet sues ValuJet for ruining a perfectly good product name

7. Bill Gates sues Alfred E. Neuman: impersonation

6. EPA sues AOL for polluting landfills with all those damned CDs

5. Intel sues Motorola: "Oops, Pentium error!"

4. Used Car Dealer Association sues Packard Bell: "That was our
idea!"

3. Microsoft files antitrust suit against U.S. government: "They run
everything!"

2. U.S. Milk Advisory Board sues Gateway over new slogan: "Got
computers?"

1. Apple sues itself; after all, whose fault is it, anyway?

(Courtesy of C|Net's NEWS.COM: <http://www.news.com/?dd>)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: To Sysadmin Or Not To Sysadmin

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question
was:

    Oracle most wise and wonderful, I am at a career crossroads;
    should I become an astronaut, a fireman, or a sysadmin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

This is the kind of question that these "handy comparison charts"
were just made to answer:

PURPOSE OF YOUR CAREER
Astronaut: Advancing scientific knowledge for the good of humanity.
Fireman:   Saving lives and property.
Sysadmin:  Assuring uninterrupted access to alt.binaries.erotica.sheep

ADVICE YOU'LL GIVE KIDS WHO WANT TO FOLLOW IN YOUR FOOTSTEPS
Astronaut: "Study science and math and eat your vegetables."
Fireman:   "Study science and math and eat your vegetables."
Sysadmin:  "DON'T DO IT! RUN AWAY!"

QUESTION YOU'LL BE MOST TIRED OF ANSWERING
Astronaut: "Where do you go to the bathroom?"
Fireman:   "Do you really slide down a pole when the alarm goes off?"
Sysadmin:  "Can't you do anything about all this spam I've been
           getting?"

WILL YOU EVER BE ON TV?
Astronaut: Yes!
Fireman:   Occasionally.
Sysadmin:  Only MSNBC's "The Site," which technically doesn't count
           as television.

WILL YOUR JOB EVER GET ANY EASIER?
Astronaut: As computers get more and more advanced and able to control
           more of the functions of the space vehicle, yes.
Fireman:   As more and more people install smoke detectors in their
           homes, yes.
Sysadmin:  As more and more clueless newbies discover the Internet,
           absolutely not.

INSPIRING MOVIE ABOUT YOUR PROFESSION
Astronaut: "The Right Stuff"
Fireman:   "Backdraft"
Sysadmin:  Uh... gee, I'm really drawing a blank here... "Wargames"?

YOUR WORK HOURS
Astronaut: Fairly long days during the mission, but lots and lots of
           time between missions to relax.
Fireman:   24-hour shifts, but 48 hours between shifts to relax.
Sysadmin:  Not really "work hours" or even "work days" ... more like
           "work millennia."

FRINGE BENEFITS OF YOUR JOB
Astronaut: Lots of good stories to tell to impress the chicks.
Fireman:   Lots of good stories to tell to impress the chicks.
Sysadmin:  You get ALL of the jokes in "Dilbert."

NUMBER OF COMPLAINTS ABOUT YOUR PROFESSION
Astronaut: A few, from people who think the government should be
           spending its money in different ways.
Fireman:   A few, from people who think you take too long to arrive
           following a 911 call.
Sysadmin:  What comes after "trillion"?

YOUR COMMUTER VEHICLE
Astronaut: Multimillion-dollar space vehicle atop multimillion-dollar
           rocket.
Fireman:   Big red truck with flashing lights and siren.
Sysadmin:  1978 AMC Gremlin. Was once bright green.

In conclusion, if the sysadmin option has seemed the most appealing
in even one of these categories, you should become a sysadmin. Can't
you do anything about all this spam I've been getting?

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Wonders of the U.K. Banking System

When I was living in Glasgow, I had an account at a local Clydesdale
Bank. One week, a direct debit that I'd cancelled seemed to have
gone through regardless. When I went to my branch to ask for a list
the account activity over the last 24 hours, I was told to come back
the next day, because the list would take at least that long to
compile. "Why?"

"Everything's on computer now."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Lesser-Known Programming Languages #10: SIMPLE

SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming
Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College
for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to
write code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined
to BEGIN, END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you
can't make a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing
useful. Thus they achieve the results of programs written in other
languages without the tedious, frustrating process of testing and
debugging.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: You Know You've Been In Computers Too Long ...

When somebody asks you for a bus schedule and you catch yourself
wondering if it is 16 or 32 bit.

When you dream in 256 palettes of 256 colors each.

When you pick up a phone and start dialing an IP address.

When you start to double click lift buttons.

When you are looking for an icon to open your bedroom window.

When you look for a scroll bar to get to the next page in the book
you are reading.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Computer Book Titles We Probably Won't See ...

There's a thread going on the Computer Book Author list, started
by someone saying (tongue in cheek) [he is] writing a book on server
security called "Stranger in a Strange LAN."

Here are some of the better retorts....

Christian Crumlish:

    I'm working on "Fear and Loathing" in 21 Days, the sequel to
    my bestselling technical/literature breakthrough, "Moby-Mac."

Daniel Dern:

    I'm busily not working on:

    Forget Java in 21 Minutes
    The Netscape Navigator Guide to Microsoft Bugs
    MSIE 4.0, Users 0
    We Got to the Moon on 32K and Now I Need 64M Just to Write a Memo

    -- and --

    WebCams of the Rich and Famous: Peeking in on Bill and
    Other People Who Don't Know A Lot About IP Security

[Editor's Note: the date line on this piece is 13 Oct 1997. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Geek Theology

In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero.

On the first day, he toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In
those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and "active low" signals
didn't yet exist.)

On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the
bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the
universe wasn't. God learned the importance of backups and memory
refresh, and spent the rest of the day (and his first all-nighter)
reinstalling the universe.

On the third day, the bit cried "Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a
sign!" And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the
original prototype. Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized
that "new and improved" wouldn't do justice to such a grand and
glorious creation. And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit.
Many bits followed, but only one was so honored.

On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and 'logical
shift' instructions. And a common bit discovered that -- by performing
a single shift instruction -- it could become the Most Significant
Bit. And God realized the importance of computer security.

On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of
the ALU, with wonderful features, and said "Forget that add and shift
stuff. Go forth and multiply." And God saw that it was good.

On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines,
register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restartable
instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation
delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the
sixth day must have been a Monday.

On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced Windows into the
Universe, and it hasn't worked right since.

(Author Unknown)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Correction to Collage 408

One of your jokes [in Collage 408] has some grave factual errors,
including:

  Apple only recommends use of the ImageWriter as a home security
  device for trips under two weeks -- in that time the ImageWriter
  will either finish the document or jam.

I spoke with Apple's tech support department and they assured me that
the ImageWriter never finishes printing a document longer than two
pages without jamming, and that printing a document of that length
even in "Best" quality mode takes only one week, not two.

Their lawyers asked that you publish a correction to this item.

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</collage414>