Subject:     Collage 413: De-Evolution
Date:        8/14/1999 6:28 PM
Received:    8/15/1999 6:56 AM
From:        HumourNet, humournet-bounces@humournet.com
Reply-To:    HumourNet Moderator, moderator@humournet.com
To:          The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour, humournet@lyris.n

Collage 413              H u m o u r N e t              14 Aug 1999

A couple of years ago, several Aussie scientists decided that gorillas
and chimpanzees should be reclassified into the same species group as
humans, based on the similarities of their DNA. I'll let Reuters tell
the story ...

<Reuters news wire>

     "Humans and Chimps: One of a Kind"

     SYDNEY -- Gorillas and chimpanzees should be reclassified
     into the same species group as humans because of the
     closeness of their DNA, according to a team of Australian
     and New Zealand scientists.

     "If you compare other mammal groups, like genus ratus (rat)
     there is much more divergence in DNA than there is between
     humans and chimpanzees," said scientist Simon Easteal, from
     the John Curtin School of Medical Research in Canberra.

     Using a nuclear DNA test, the study found humans diverged
     from chimpanzees 3.6 to four million years ago. The two had
     diverged from gorillas between four and five million years
     ago.

</Reuters>

This story came right on the heels of Collage 255, in which I awarded
the coveted "Most Backward State" distinction to Tennessee for their
decision to permit public-school educators to be fired "for teaching
evolution as fact." And I fully endorse that decision; specious
theories, such as evolution, relativity, and contour integration,
can surely serve only to corrupt the mind of the innocent child.

Tennessee has held that award for more than three years now -- a fact
that has apparently annoyed Kansas legislators to the point that they
have finally taken action to reclaim the "Most Backward State" award
from Tennessee. In a decision that sets back progress in education to
the days of the Scopes trial, Kansas has voted to remove evolution
from the public-school curriculum entirely:

<AP news wire>

     TOPEKA -- The Kansas Board of Education yesterday rolled back
     140 years of established science by erasing Charles Darwin's
     theory of evolution from the school curriculum, in a signal
     victory for religious conservatives and advocates of
     "creationism" ...

     [rest snipped to protect us from references to "evolution"]

</AP>

Those of you who are interested in the rationale behind Kansas's
decision can find plenty of reading here:

<http://fullcoverage.yahoo.com/fc/US/Education_Curriculum_and_Policy>

And so the esteemed Members of the Academy have decided to award
"Most Backward State" status to Kansas. The vote was close, however,
so it looks as if Tennessee will not be stripped of its laurels
entirely.

And for even more sectarian entertainment, I offer you yet another
"Religious Humour" Collage ...

In the interest of saving what little is left of my posterior from
angry sectarians, nearly all of the pieces in this Collage were
contributions from Pastor Rus, the Official HumourNet Chaplain. The
only exceptions are the last two pieces:

Austin L. in Santa Fe, New Mexico, brings us "Practical Theology";

and Anthony B. in Bay Point, California, contributes "Jesus Saves."

Big thanks to Austin and Anthony -- may we all burn together. And
another huge thanks to Pastor Rus, both for the material in this
Collage and for using his influence to help Austin, Anthony and me
avoid a rather warm eternity. If he has any influence left following
this Collage, that is. ;-)

Also, I owe a big thanks to Jim C. in L.A. for providing the Reuters
piece quoted above.

Enjoy! And go in peace ...

- Vince Sabio
   HumourNet Moderator
   vince&#64;humournet.com
____________________________________________________________________
           Opener (above) Copyright 1999 by Vincent Sabio
   Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
   please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Black or White?

A white man and a black man were arguing vehemently about whether God
was black or white.

"God, is white!" insisted the white man.

"No way," replied the black man, "I'm sure God's black."

"I'll prove to you God is white," said the white man, "Come with me."

Both men, thereupon, made the long ascension to the top of Mt. Sinai.

The white man called out, "God, hear my prayer! Please tell us what
color you are!"

 From the heavens came down a booming voice. "I AM WHAT I AM!" echoed
all over the mountain.

"There, you see!" said the white man, "God, is definitely white!"

"Well, how do you know God is white from what he said?"

"Well," remarked the white man, quite impatient at this point, "If
God were black he would have said `AH IS WHAT AH IS.'"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Cleaning Up Your Act

President Lyndon B Johnson tells about a preacher back home who
dropped his notes one day as he was leaving for church, and his dog
jumped on them and tore them up.

When the preacher stepped into the pulpit later that day, he
apologized to his congregation: "I am very sorry that I have no
sermon today. I will just have to speak as the Lord directs. But I
will try to do better next Sunday."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Abraham And Computers

Have you heard the revisionist story of Abraham and Isaac? It turns
out that at school, Isaac learned to use a computer and became very
proficient at it. One night at home, he told his father, Abraham,
that he wished he had a computer at home. Of course, Isaac was a
favorite of his father, who immediately went out and bought him the
latest and most expensive equipment and software.

One day, one of Abraham's businessman friends asked him if he had a
computer and was on line. Old Abe said his son was a crackerjack at
it, but not himself. The businessman suggested that they and their
friends get on line. "In fact," said Abe's friend, "I just upgraded
my equipment and I have a 286 and a dot matrix printer at home you
can have." So Abe started learning computerese. He had a horrible
time with the outdated software, and told Isaac one day that he
thought he'd put Windows 95 on his computer. "You can't do that,"
said Isaac. "A 286 doesn't have enough RAM."

"What's that?" asked Abe. Isaac replied, "It's random access memory,
dad. You need more RAM."

Abe laid his hand on his son's shoulder and said, "Don't worry,
Isaac. God will supply the RAM."

[Editor's Note: Rus had to explain this one to me. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Top Twelve Ways You Know You've Joined the Wrong Church

12. The church bus has gun racks.

11. The choir wears leather robes.

10. The Women's Quartet are all married to the pastor.

9. Church staff consists of the Senior Pastor, the Associate Pastor,
and the Socio-Pastor.

8. They use the "Dr. Seuss Version" of the Bible.

7. There's an ATM in the lobby.

6. The choir wears leather robes.

5. Worship services are B.Y.O.S. -- "Bring Your Own Snake."

4. There's no cover charge, but communion is a two-drink minimum.

3. They have Karaoke Worship Time.

2. Ushers ask, "Smoking or non-smoking?"

1. The only song the organist knows is "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: A Pastor Knows His Days Are Numbered When ...

1. You return from vacation to find the visiting preacher's name on
the mailbox.

2. The church is about to split, and neither group wants to keep you
as pastor.

3. Shut-ins pull the window shades and pretend they aren't home when
it's time for a visit

4. Your Mother transfers her membership to another church.

5. You're told God is calling you to the mission field -- NOW!

6. You're cast as the donkey in the Christmas play.

7. The trustees have been marching around the house for the last six
days praying and carrying lanterns.

8. Your secretary starts sending out your resume -- without your
permission.

9. The congregation forces the members of the pulpit committee to
wear sackcloth and make a public apology.

10. Church members begin referring to you in the past tense.

11. The "love-offering" is a two-for-one coupon at Ponderosa.

12. You show up at the church on Monday morning only to discover the
locks have been changed.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More Church Bulletin Bloopers

[Editor's Note: We've run lots of these in the past; this collection
should be only bloopers that have not already been run. IOW, no need
to send me any more bloopers, since I think we've pretty well covered
the field on this topic. </vs>]

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the costs of
redecorating the sanctuary. Anyone wanting to do something on the new
carpet will come forward and do so.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on
people who are not afflicted with any church.

Evening massage -- 6 PM.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
Sunday morning.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the
recession.

ANOINTING OF THE SICK. If you are going to be hospitalized for an
operation, contact the pastor. Special prayer also for those who are
seriously sick by request.

Usher will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical
accomplishment.

The sermon this morning, WOMEN IN THE CHURCH.
The closing song, RISE UP, O MEN OF GOD.

The sermon this morning, GOSSIP? THE SPEAKING OF EVIL
The closing song, I LOVE TO TELL THE STORY

The sermon this morning, CONTEMPORARY ISSUES #3.. EUTHANASIA
The closing song, TAKE MY LIFE

Ladies don't forget the rummage sale. This is a good chance to get
rid of things not worth keeping. Bring your husbands.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: You May Be A Preacher If ...

1. You've ever received an anonymous U-Haul gift certificate.

2. You've ever wondered why people couldn't die at more appropriate
times.

3. You've ever checked your fly as you stood for the opening hymn .

4. You'd rather negotiate with a terrorist than the church organist.

5. You have a key ring that's bigger than the Junior High School
custodian's.

6. You drive a car with over 100,000 miles on it.

7. You've ever wanted to punch out a board member.

8. You've ever wanted to fire the church and form a congregation
search committee.

9. Taking a nap on Sunday afternoon is a spiritual experience.

10. You've wondered if there will be music directors in heaven.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: A True Atheist

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat
was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast
tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth
to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist
hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought
you didn't believe in Me!"

"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "two minutes ago I
didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Practical Theology

"I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave it up. They have no
holidays."  -- Henny Youngman, 1980

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Jesus Saves

"Jesus saves ... he passes to Moses ... shoots! SCORE!!!"

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