Subject: Collage 412: One-Liner Heaven Date: 8/8/1999 12:34 AM Received: 8/8/1999 9:58 AM From: HumourNet, humournet-bounces@humournet.com Reply-To: HumourNet Moderator, moderator@humournet.com To: The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour, humournet@lyris.n Collage 412 H u m o u r N e t 08 Aug 1999 Welcome to the THIRD Collage in as many weeks. I'll need to take a break soon, or else you'll start expecting this kind of service. ;-) Today's Collage is the annual collection of one-liners and ".sigs" (signatures) spotted around the Internet. Some are groaners; some are pretty good. Since it is a long and distinguished list of contributors for this collection, I'll summarize them with a little less pomp than usual ... Kim, HumourNet's Assistant Moderator, in Columbia, MD: "Livin' Large" Shawn King, Bawdy.Net Moderator, in Vancouver, B.C.: "Enginerds" and "More One Liners" Randy, Kingsville, Texas: "Physics" St. John M, Philadelphia, PA: "More Physics" David H, San Antonio, Texas: "Deep Thoughts" Jeff, New York, NY: "More Deep Thoughts" Daniel S: "Inheritance" Bruce M, Studio City, CA: "Perquisites" Kathy in Alhambra, CA: "Rim Shot" Nancy R, Logan, Utah: "Veni, Vidi -- Take One" Doctor D: "Veni, Vidi, Take Two" Mark B, United Kingdom: "Veni, Vidi -- Takes Three Through Twenty Five" Jim C., Los Angeles, CA: "Voice of Experience" Karen C: "Nostalgia" Richard P, Phoenix, AZ: "And More ..." Marv W, Budd Lake, NJ: "Deeper Thoughts" Yvonne P, Arlington, VA: "More Bumper Stickers" Irene B, Nevada: "Computer Instructions for AOL Users" Richard B, Allentown, PA: "I [Heart] Bumper Stickers" Wade B, Jacksonville, FL: "Vegetarianism Explained" Richard in Phoenix: "Geek Test" Glynnis: "Yet More Bumper Stickers" Tom N, Minneapolis MN: "Making a Statement" Craig J, Colorado Springs, Colorado: "Bumper Stickers -- Take XXLIV" John G: "Teach a Man to Fish -- Take One" Robert W, currently somewhere in New England: "Teach a Man to Fish -- Take Two." Feel free to enhance your .sig collection. :-) Enjoy! - Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator moderator@humournet.com ____________________________________________________________________ Opener (above) Copyright 1999 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message. ____________________________________________________________________ SUBJ: Livin' Large I want to be Barbie. That b*tch has everything. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Enginerds Electrical Engineering: We make the things that make technicians swear ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Physics When a DJ drives under an overpass, does his voice fade out? ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: More Physics HYDROGEN: A colorless, odorless gas which, given enough time, turns into people. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Deep Thoughts After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water? How can there be self-help groups? If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap? If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure? Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? Just before someone gets nervous, does he experience cocoons in his stomach? When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs? When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at the carpeting? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? Why do they report power outages on TV? Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: More Deep Thoughts Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. -- Steven Wright ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Inheritance Perhaps the meek WILL inherit the earth, but they'll do it in very small plots ... about six feet by three. -- Robert A. Heinlein ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Perquisites Will be President for food. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Rim Shot I heard that the Italian tax authorities had to go after Giorgio Armani with criminal charges rather than civil litigation, because Armani suits are just too expensive. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Veni, Vidi -- Take One [Editor's Note: There was a brief "Veni, Vidi, Vici" reference in Collage 305. It spawned the next three pieces ... ] Veni, Vidi, Owie! -- I Came, I Saw, I Hurt Myself ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Veni, Vidi, Take Two Veni Vidi Venison -- I Came, I Saw, I Ran Over A Deer ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Veni, Vidi -- Takes Three Through Twenty Five [Editor's Note: This one was a multi-person effort that apparently occurred in the infamous a.f.p newsgroup ... ] Veni, Vidi, Visa -- I Came, I Saw, I Went Shopping Veni, Vidi, V8 -- I Came, I Saw, I Went Very Quickly Veni, Vidi, Volley -- I Came, I Saw, I Played Tennis Veni, Vidi, Vamoose -- I Came, I Saw, I Left Veni, Vidi, Fiji -- I Came, I Saw, I Ran As Far Away As Possible Veni, Vidi, VCR -- I Came, I Saw, I Went Home And Rented The Video Veni, Vidi, Vacuum -- I Came, I Saw, I Cleaned Up Veni, Vidi, Vodka -- I Came, I Saw, I Drank Veni, Vidi, Vomit -- I Came, I Saw, I Drank Too Much Veni, Vidi, Vespa -- I Came, I Saw, I Rode Home?) Veni, Vidi, Voyager -- I Came, I Saw, I Charted The New Frontier Veni, Vidi, Venturi -- I Came, I Saw, I Created A Vacuum Veni, Vidi, Vrai -- I Came, I Saw, The Truth Is Out There Veni, Vidi, Va Va Voom -- I Came, I Saw, I Wore A Feather Boa Veni, Vidi, Vanish -- I Came, I Saw, I Disappeared Veni, Vidi, Velcro -- I Came, I Saw; I Stuck Around Veni, Vidi, Volley -- I Came, I Saw, I Played Tennis Veni, Vidi, Volvo -- I Came, I Saw, I Drove Veni, Vidi, Verily -- I Came, I Saw, I Concurred Veni, Vidi, Violin -- I Came, I Saw, I Made A Horrible Screeching Noise Veni, Vidi, Velocirapter -- I Came, I Saw, I Went To A Spielberg Film And finally (adults only): Voyeur, Vidi, Veni -- No comment... ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Voice of Experience JESUS SAVES once every 3 minutes. He uses Windows. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Nostalgia Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson. You find the present tense, and the past perfect. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: And More ... "REHAB is for quitters" "Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician" ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Deeper Thoughts If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter? If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from? How did a fool and his money GET together? How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? Does 'virgin wool' come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet? When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs? Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics? Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one? Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives? What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread? ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: More Bumper Stickers Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them. Forget about World Peace -- Visualize using your turn signal. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice Doggie" ... till you can find a club. Auntie EM: "Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog" --Dorothy ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Computer Instructions for AOL Users "RAM Disk" is not an installation procedure ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: I [Heart] Bumper Stickers You know those cutesy bumper stickers like I [heart] my dog? Seen on John Wayne Bobbit's bumper: I [club] my wife. Seen on Lorena Bobbit's bumper: I [spade] my husband. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Vegetarianism Explained I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: More One Liners Back Up My Hard Drive? I Can't Find The Reverse Switch! I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film! Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool. Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the Earth. A day without sun shine is like ... night. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. I just let my mind wander and it didn't come back. Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines. I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere! Cooking lesson #1: Don't fry bacon in the nude! ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Geek Test Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic Press Ctrl-Alt-Delete to Save If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you How do I set my Laser printer to "Stun"? ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Yet More Bumper Stickers Outside a Dairy Queen: "Scream until daddy stops the car." Wife and dog missing. Reward for dog. Your cat's missing? Have you looked under my tire? Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen. Ex-wife for sale -- take over payments. This car is protected by two pit bulls with AIDS. If you came here to complain, you've wasted 98% of your time ... I suggest you use the other 2% to find the door. Hang up and drive! ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Making a Statement We feast upon the flesh of the living -- and we vote! ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Bumper Stickers -- Take XXLIV I love cats ... they taste just like chicken. Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT! It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Teach a Man to Fish -- Take One By John Grater Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will go out and buy expensive fishing equipment, stupid looking clothes, a sports utility vehicle, travel 1,000 miles to the "hottest" fishing hole, and stand waist deep in cold water just so he can outsmart a fish. (Average cost per fish: $395.68) ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Teach a Man to Fish -- Take Two Teach a man to fish and you have helped him survive another day. Teach him to surf the Net and he won't bother you for weeks. ******************************************************************** Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy of the rest of us. ******************************************************************** HumourNet is brought to you by "Lyris" -- an innovative list server from Lyris Technologies, Inc.: . HumourNet's Web and FTP sites are hosted by gamerz.net: . 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