Subject:     Collage 412: One-Liner Heaven
Date:        8/8/1999 12:34 AM
Received:    8/8/1999 9:58 AM
From:        HumourNet, humournet-bounces@humournet.com
Reply-To:    HumourNet Moderator, moderator@humournet.com
To:          The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour, humournet@lyris.n

Collage 412              H u m o u r N e t              08 Aug 1999

Welcome to the THIRD Collage in as many weeks. I'll need to take a
break soon, or else you'll start expecting this kind of service. ;-)

Today's Collage is the annual collection of one-liners and ".sigs"
(signatures) spotted around the Internet. Some are groaners; some
are pretty good. Since it is a long and distinguished list of
contributors for this collection, I'll summarize them with a little
less pomp than usual ...

Kim, HumourNet's Assistant Moderator, in Columbia, MD: "Livin' Large"

Shawn King, Bawdy.Net Moderator, in Vancouver, B.C.: "Enginerds" and
"More One Liners"

Randy, Kingsville, Texas: "Physics"

St. John M, Philadelphia, PA: "More Physics"

David H, San Antonio, Texas: "Deep Thoughts"

Jeff, New York, NY: "More Deep Thoughts"

Daniel S: "Inheritance"

Bruce M, Studio City, CA: "Perquisites"

Kathy in Alhambra, CA: "Rim Shot"

Nancy R, Logan, Utah: "Veni, Vidi -- Take One"

Doctor D: "Veni, Vidi, Take Two"

Mark B, United Kingdom: "Veni, Vidi -- Takes Three Through Twenty
Five"

Jim C., Los Angeles, CA: "Voice of Experience"

Karen C: "Nostalgia"

Richard P, Phoenix, AZ: "And More ..."

Marv W, Budd Lake, NJ: "Deeper Thoughts"

Yvonne P, Arlington, VA: "More Bumper Stickers"

Irene B, Nevada: "Computer Instructions for AOL Users"

Richard B, Allentown, PA: "I [Heart] Bumper Stickers"

Wade B, Jacksonville, FL: "Vegetarianism Explained"

Richard in Phoenix: "Geek Test"

Glynnis: "Yet More Bumper Stickers"

Tom N, Minneapolis MN: "Making a Statement"

Craig J, Colorado Springs, Colorado: "Bumper Stickers -- Take XXLIV"

John G: "Teach a Man to Fish -- Take One"

Robert W, currently somewhere in New England: "Teach a Man to Fish --
Take Two."

Feel free to enhance your .sig collection. :-)

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
   HumourNet Moderator
   moderator@humournet.com
____________________________________________________________________
           Opener (above) Copyright 1999 by Vincent Sabio
   Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
   please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Livin' Large

I want to be Barbie. That b*tch has everything.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Enginerds

Electrical Engineering: We make the things that make technicians swear

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Physics

When a DJ drives under an overpass, does his voice fade out?

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More Physics

HYDROGEN: A colorless, odorless gas which, given enough time, turns
into people.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Deep Thoughts

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out
of the water?

How can there be self-help groups?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek, does he
automatically lose because he can't find himself?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they
still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Just before someone gets nervous, does he experience cocoons in his
stomach?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket
signs?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder
why you're just sitting there, staring at the carpeting?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers
aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More Deep Thoughts

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much
deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
-- Steven Wright

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Inheritance

Perhaps the meek WILL inherit the earth, but they'll do it in very
small plots ... about six feet by three.
-- Robert A. Heinlein

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Perquisites

Will be President for food.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Rim Shot

I heard that the Italian tax authorities had to go after Giorgio
Armani with criminal charges rather than civil litigation, because
Armani suits are just too expensive.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Veni, Vidi -- Take One

[Editor's Note: There was a brief "Veni, Vidi, Vici" reference in
Collage 305. It spawned the next three pieces ... </vs>]

Veni, Vidi, Owie! -- I Came, I Saw, I Hurt Myself

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Veni, Vidi, Take Two

Veni Vidi Venison -- I Came, I Saw, I Ran Over A Deer

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Veni, Vidi -- Takes Three Through Twenty Five

[Editor's Note: This one was a multi-person effort that apparently
occurred in the infamous a.f.p newsgroup ... </vs>]

Veni, Vidi, Visa -- I Came, I Saw, I Went Shopping
Veni, Vidi, V8 -- I Came, I Saw, I Went Very Quickly
Veni, Vidi, Volley -- I Came, I Saw, I Played Tennis
Veni, Vidi, Vamoose -- I Came, I Saw, I Left
Veni, Vidi, Fiji -- I Came, I Saw, I Ran As Far Away As Possible
Veni, Vidi, VCR -- I Came, I Saw, I Went Home And Rented The Video
Veni, Vidi, Vacuum -- I Came, I Saw, I Cleaned Up
Veni, Vidi, Vodka -- I Came, I Saw, I Drank
Veni, Vidi, Vomit -- I Came, I Saw, I Drank Too Much
Veni, Vidi, Vespa -- I Came, I Saw, I Rode Home?)
Veni, Vidi, Voyager -- I Came, I Saw, I Charted The New Frontier
Veni, Vidi, Venturi -- I Came, I Saw, I Created A Vacuum
Veni, Vidi, Vrai -- I Came, I Saw, The Truth Is Out There
Veni, Vidi, Va Va Voom -- I Came, I Saw, I Wore A Feather Boa
Veni, Vidi, Vanish -- I Came, I Saw, I Disappeared
Veni, Vidi, Velcro -- I Came, I Saw; I Stuck Around
Veni, Vidi, Volley -- I Came, I Saw, I Played Tennis
Veni, Vidi, Volvo -- I Came, I Saw, I Drove
Veni, Vidi, Verily -- I Came, I Saw, I Concurred
Veni, Vidi, Violin -- I Came, I Saw, I Made A Horrible Screeching Noise
Veni, Vidi, Velocirapter -- I Came, I Saw, I Went To A Spielberg Film

And finally (adults only):
Voyeur, Vidi, Veni -- No comment...

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Voice of Experience

JESUS SAVES once every 3 minutes. He uses Windows.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Nostalgia

Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson. You find the present tense, and
the past perfect.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: And More ...

"REHAB is for quitters"

"Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Deeper Thoughts

If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

How did a fool and his money GET together?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Does 'virgin wool' come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet?

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the
Special Olympics?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More Bumper Stickers

Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.

Forget about World Peace -- Visualize using your turn signal.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice Doggie" ... till you can find a
club.

Auntie EM: "Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog" --Dorothy

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Computer Instructions for AOL Users

"RAM Disk" is not an installation procedure

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: I [Heart] Bumper Stickers

You know those cutesy bumper stickers like I [heart] my dog?

Seen on John Wayne Bobbit's bumper: I [club] my wife.
Seen on Lorena Bobbit's bumper:  I [spade] my husband.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Vegetarianism Explained

I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because
I hate plants.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More One Liners

Back Up My Hard Drive? I Can't Find The Reverse Switch!

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film!

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted and used against you.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so
popular?

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the Earth.

A day without sun shine is like ... night.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

I just let my mind wander and it didn't come back.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere!

Cooking lesson #1: Don't fry bacon in the nude!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Geek Test

Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

Press Ctrl-Alt-Delete to Save

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you

How do I set my Laser printer to "Stun"?

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Yet More Bumper Stickers

Outside a Dairy Queen: "Scream until daddy stops the car."

Wife and dog missing. Reward for dog.

Your cat's missing? Have you looked under my tire?

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

Ex-wife for sale -- take over payments.

This car is protected by two pit bulls with AIDS.

If you came here to complain, you've wasted 98% of your time ...
I suggest you use the other 2% to find the door.

Hang up and drive!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Making a Statement

We feast upon the flesh of the living -- and we vote!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Bumper Stickers -- Take XXLIV

I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.

Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Teach a Man to Fish -- Take One
By John Grater

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will go out and buy expensive fishing
equipment, stupid looking clothes, a sports utility vehicle, travel
1,000 miles to the "hottest" fishing hole, and stand waist deep in
cold water just so he can outsmart a fish. (Average cost per fish:
$395.68)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Teach a Man to Fish -- Take Two

Teach a man to fish and you have helped him survive another day.
Teach him to surf the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

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</collage412>