Subject:     Collage 410: Unsubscription Fees: The Adventure Drags On
Date:        7/26/1999 12:05 PM
Received:    7/26/1999 2:12 PM
From:        HumourNet, humournet-bounces@humournet.com
Reply-To:    HumourNet Moderator, moderator@humournet.com
To:          The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour, humournet@lyris.n

Collage 410              H u m o u r N e t              26 Jul 1999

Well, it has been several months since I posted Part I of the
Unsubscription Fee Collage for 1999; in that time, we've had school
children killing school children, bombed the wrong embassy, and
learned that Ted is apparently the only Kennedy who floats. It's
been a rough quarter, to say the least.

Nevertheless, Part I was so tremendously popular that HumourNet's
subscription figures increased by at least 500 -- during a period
in which there were no postings to the list. I'm not sure if this
is good news or bad news.

Either way, I can count at least one subscriber who is still a
HumourNet member solely because of Collage 409 -- Joyce S. in
Lexington, Kentucky:

     Just wanted you to know that I was going to unsubscribe from
     the list because -- well, because I'm almost a year behind
     in reading....

     HOWEVER, I received collage #409 today, and opened it to
     look for the instructions I needed to successfully leave the
     list ... wouldn't you just KNOW that it's another hilarious
     unsubscription fee mailing, and a reminder of why I joined
     the list in the first place (looks like that happened way
     back in August of '96!)

     So this is actually a great big thank you note for all of
     the laughs you've given me.

     Really. THANKS!

     p.s I really *am* going to catch up this weekend. I
     promise...

Well heck, if Joyce can catch up this weekend, then so can I. And so,
let me introduce:

             Unsubscription Fees 1999, Part II:
                  "The Adventure Drags On"

We kick off Part Deux with a missive from David P. in Wake County,
North Carolina, who claims to have filed suit against HumourNet
Communications, Ltd....

     Please be informed that you are being sued in Wake County,
     North Carolina Superior Court (when I find it). My phone
     company (Bell South) recently added to my bill a monthly
     charge of $1.50. This is my modem line, and the charge is
     for NOT having a long-distance carrier assigned to that
     line. Through my extensive research I have determined that
     they developed this concept by application of your patented
     "un-subscribe" process.

     I will email your summons when I receive it.

I never did receive a summons from David, who was found floating
face-down in the Neuse River a couple of days after he sent me that
message. Strange how things like that happen.

In case you haven't already noticed, this Collage is dedicated to
those who were bright enough to "figure out" the Unsubscription Fee.
For example, Jack H., who realized that there's a business plan in
_not_ being able to unsubscribe yourself:

     Vince,

     Rather silly problem, but I cannot unsub.

     I am subscribed as <snip>.com. My ISP changed all of its user
     accounts to <snip>.net, which is where my mail ends up. My
     outgoing mail is converted to <snip>.net also, which means
     that Lyris will not allow me to unsubscribe <snip>.com. If
     you would be so kind to help I would appreciate it.

     And since you would be doing the actual unsubscribing I took
     the liberty of charging your credit card for the UNsub fee.

     Thank you for your time and courtesy.

     Jack H.

If Jack thinks that a cheap ploy like that is going to work on THIS
kid, I have news for him: I unsubscribed him, and then immediately
canceled all my credit cards so he couldn't charge me. So there.

Another resourceful HumourNetter is Dale H., who is planning to
leverage the concept somewhat:

     Thanks for your newest HumourNet. I am a subscribing member,
     but unfortunately I cannot afford to unsubscribe at this
     time. However, I believe that I have found an easy way to
     pay for my monthly 29.95 charge for my Internet Access in
     the boondoggles of Oklahoma: I have decided to charge fees
     for forwarding, replying, and redirecting messages that come
     to me. So, if I forward, reply, or redirect 30 messages in
     one month, the charge for such services would be only one
     dollar each. Considering that I generally send double that
     amount, you can see the charge will only be nominal.

     Again, thanks for the posting of your unsubscribing debacle
     and if this works out, I hope to be able to unsubscribe in a
     couple of months.

     Dale

I'm not sure just where Dale sees a profit in that business plan --
but who am I to argue with entrepreneurship?

John S., in Seattle, Washington, is another inventive subscriber with
a business plan in his pocket ...

     Subject: Hey, Bucko! Where's My Money?

     Boy, am I getting sick of your relentless abuse and
     intimidation of the poor members of the Unaware Masses who
     try to unsubscribe from your list. You inflict your
     Unsubscribe Fee on those unsuspecting dopes and always use
     your worn-out "Read The Welcome Message" excuse ...

     Okay, since You Obviously Didn't Read It, I will tell you
     about the text that accompanied my original subscribe
     message to your list, way back in July 1996 -- just exactly
     100 collages ago.

     That message CLEARLY stated that I charge a $5.00 Mailbox
     Access Fee for every message sent to my mailbox by any
     automated listproc, or whatever you insufferable wonkoids
     call that vaporspace stuff I don't understand at all. And
     don't give me any guff about an automatic server not being
     able to read text other than "subscribe" or "unsubscribe."
     That is obviously YOUR problem, not mine.

     So. YOU OWE ME FIVE HUNDRED BUCKS.

     Please send a certified check, in US funds or equivalent,
     immediately, to:

         The Merwin P. Sprocket Memorial Level III Recovery Fund
         c/o Sprocket Mechanical Wooden Cranial Prosthetics Works
         Six Left Lane East
         Dented, Minnesota 99899

     And no, I will not accept a credit to my White Star Line
     Frequent Sinker Card.

     John S.

An enterprising youth is Jacob D. in Silver Spring, Maryland, who has
found yet ANOTHER business angle on the Unsubscription Fee concept:

     Vince,

     Could you sell me 100 unsubcriptions right now at its
     current price? I expect to make a killing in the unsub
     futures market when you raise the cost.

     Thanks, Jacob D.

Sorry, Jacob; unfortunately, I'm in business only for myself here.
But I have it on very good authority that you will go far in life.

Then there are those who are willing to volunteer new business models
in the spirit of the Unsubscription Fee. Debra E. in Mountain View,
California, has found a way that I can continue collecting bogus fees
right on into the next world ...

     I got the unsubscribe letter, you are evil. ;>

     You should tell your family to put "A $5 visiting fee has
     been deducted from your account for visiting this grave."

I have to wonder if Debra knows something that I don't know. (?)

On a more practical note, Michael C. in Boston, Massachusetts,
recommended this approach:

     Hello, Vince -

     In response to Collage 388, it seems to me that you're
     missing a great financial opportunity here. Why not
     introduce another fee: the Missed Attribution Fee. It could
     be invoked either (a) whenever someone submits an item which
     should have been attributed properly (and isn't), or (b)
     whenever a *reader* fails to notice that a piece should have
     been otherwise attributed. I suspect that I don't need to
     point out to you that the real financial possibilities here
     lie with option (b).

     However, I must request that as the proposer of said new
     fee, I be exempt from it. Otherwise I'd be paying through
     the nose since I *never* notice when a piece should have
     been otherwise attributed.

     Mike

Personally, I find it annoying when they are willing to come up with
these ideas, but are not willing to help foot the bill. *sigh* Even
the Web Walker <http://www.pobox.com/~the.web.walker> tries to skate
on the very fees he is recommending:

     Hello,

     Instead of raising the unsubscribe fee, maybe you should
     consider a Reply-Fee(TM) -- not to be confused with my
     public service "Reply-Fee-Free" plan. (See judge for
     details.)

     Of course, your first instinct is charge me a Reply-Fee(TM)
     but this would be fruitless because the Reply-Fee(TM) is
     derived from the "Unsubscription Fee" patent. Therefore you
     would owe me a royalty payment.

     When you send a reply explaining, "You clueless idiot! Don't
     you understand how royalty payments work?" I'll be forced to
     charge a Reply-Fee(TM).

     We could settle this like men (i.e., letting our lawyers try
     to poke each other's eyes out with sharp sticks in front of
     an Arkansas judge appointed for her knowledge of Presidential
     staff positions), but I say [...(snipped the rest)]

     Wilton B.
     Cupertino, California

What I really need, even more than the Reply-Fee, are those who are
willing to help cover the rather considerable operating expenses here
at HQ HumourNet -- you know, the cost of a telephone line, a modem,
the occasional keyboard, and also the HumourNet Mansion in Beverly
Hills and the HumourNet Geosynchronous Communications Satellite system
that brings you these Collages every few weeks. Or months. You think
this is cheap? I need more people like Craig M. in Arizona -- who is
quite the honest chap:

     Dear Vince,

     I unsubscribed from HumourNet about a month and a half ago.
     Upon getting my credit card bill yesterday, I noticed that
     my Humournet unsubscription fee had not been processed. I
     realize the charge might simply be delayed, but it probably
     should have shown up by now, and I've had some other
     problems with my credit card billing so I thought I would
     ask you what your records show.

     Sorry for bothering you about this, but my conscience will
     not allow me to let this mistake go uncorrected. Thank you
     for your time, and good luck with your list!

     Craig M.

And then there are those who simply aren't satisfied with the current
fee structure ...

     Hi Vince,

     Since I was changing my subscription and not exactly
     unsubscribing, I insist that I instead be charged the
     subscription change fee. Isn't that $10?

     Furthermore, since I tried not to involve any humans in the
     process (are there any at HumourNet?), I insist that I also
     be charged the $0.75 ATM fee.

     Thanks,
     Eric L.

Thank YOU, Eric. And no, there are no humans at HumourNet; this
is actually a top-secret U.S. Government experiment in artificial
intelligence -- which, while admittedly artificial, is still more
intelligence than you're likely to find anywhere else on the
Internet.

But Eric is not alone in volunteering new HumourNet fees to help us
stay in business; this one is from Kathi R. in response to the "You
have unsubscribed from HumourNet and we've charged your credit card
for the $5.00 unsubscription fee" message:

     Thanks, I needed that. When I finish moving and get back
     on-line you have my permission to charge the same card a $10
     re-subscription fee.

I'm happy to report that Kathi *is* back on line, and her credit card
has been charged accordingly. (Thanks, Kathi! :-)

But the coup de grace was from Victoria H.:

     VH> While I was writing out my check for the unsubscription fee
     VH> for HumourNet, I realized that there was a problem with
     VH> that. I mean, suppose I wish to resubscribe?

     vs: Huh? Resubscribe? BUT WHY? I mean, you finally manage to get
     vs: OFF the list ... what could possibly possess you to want to
     vs: get BACK ON?

     VH> Do I get my fee back? How does that work?

     vs: You fill out several pages' worth of paperwork, and agree to
     vs: give us your first-born daughter so she may be sold into
     vs: slavery, and then we return your $5.00.

     VH> And suppose I never want to subscribe again?

     vs: That's pretty much standard.

     VH> Later, as I was reviewing my credit card statement and saw
     VH> my annual charges for my right to continue to owe someone
     VH> else money because I carry a bit of plastic in my purse, I
     VH> came up with an idea that you may find has some merit:
     VH> Annual Unsubscription Fees(tm).

     vs: I like it already.

     VH> When one unsubscribes from HumourNet, cannot one be
     VH> resubscribed?

     vs: It hasn't happened yet ... but it certainly COULD!

     VH> You have that power, Vince. But, for a tidy sum of say
     VH> $10.00 per year ($5.00 for senior citizens and children),
     VH> unsubscription can be made a permanent condition. Otherwise,
     VH> who knows when collages may start appearing in one's mailbox
     VH> again?

     vs: Ooooh, I like it.

     VH> For those who wish to resubscribe, the fees already paid
     VH> will be returned to them, less, of course, administrative
     VH> costs.

     vs: Which are very high, mind you.

     VH> I believe this is an idea whose time has come. Anyone with a
     VH> credit card, bank account, pension plan, stock options,
     VH> social security benefits, welfare stipend, or weekly
     VH> allowance can more than afford to curtail the appearance of
     VH> HumourNet in their mailbox by paying an annual fee. Will
     VH> they miss the 5 or 10 dollars from those accounts? Possibly.
     VH> But what is that in exchange for the continued right to
     VH> never have to view another collage?

     vs: DAMNED STRAIGHT!

     VH> Those who wish to stop the insidious fees need only to
     VH> resubscribe and they will receive a 100% refund, less, of
     VH> course, administrative costs. Can anything be fairer?

     vs: Sure -- but who cares? This is HumourNet! We don't care
     vs: about fair, we Just Want The Money.

I love it; expect to see Annual Unsubscription Fees worked into the
basic fee HumourNet structure sometime in the near future.

And speaking of annual fees and communications satellites (we were
speaking of them several paragraphs back; it's a segue, deal with
it), Tyrrell B. had me pretty well cornered with this one:

     TB> So I'm curious as to how you checked my geographical
     TB> location. Does the Iridium low earth orbit satellite system
     TB> allow commercial use of its mapping location responders?

     vs: Shhhhh! We hacked the entire constellation. :-)

     TB> I could be impressed, but then there is this US$5.00 charge
     TB> to be discussed. I must say you are a scoundrel with no
     TB> remorse for the little people.

     vs: Your point?

     TB> Therefore, I have cut up my credit card, so you will not be
     TB> able to process this charge.

DRAT! Foiled again. But at least Tyrrell realized that I wasn't
fabricating this stuff -- as if anyone could. Some are not so sure,
though ... like Sharilyn L. in Lake Mathews, California:

     Oh this stuff is hilarious. But please, please, please tell
     me that you wrote it all yourself. It pains me to think
     these folks actually inhabit the same world as I (although
     it would explain a lot). If this collage is true, can you
     tell me where to pay my unsubscription fee to planet Earth?
     TIA

I've received several "Stop the Earth, I want to get off" messages
in response to my Unsubscription Fee Collages. The stark reality of
a world inhabited by people who are capable of falling for the
Unsub Fee is surprising to many -- such as Trish S. in Pittsburgh,
Pennsylvania:

     Vince --

     Oh that was good. I do enjoy your commentary, but I was
     shocked to find that there are so many humor impaired people
     in this world. Maybe you should develop (and patent) a
     "humor detection test" that potential subscribers would have
     to pass BEFORE they would be allowed to receive postings
     from the list!

     Keep up the good work!

     Trish

I'd gladly develop such a test -- but I'd have to subscribe them
first, so that I could collect the Unsubscription Fees if they didn't
pass. I might even have to charge an additional Failure Fee. This
could really be my ticket to early retirement.

Speaking of tests, the following suggestion from Bernard L. in Omaha,
Nebraska, might not help me reach early retirement any sooner -- but
it would certainly help make the world a better and more enjoyable
place for The Rest Of Us:

     Vince,

     Thank you for your contributions to the greater well being
     of all society! I think that a list of all the folks who
     unsubscribe from HumourNet and manage to not *get* it should
     be compiled and kept in a secret place. The list should then
     be used to identify people applying for or attempting to do
     any of the following:

     1) Bear children
     2) Obtain a drivers license
     3) Run for public office
     4) Actually, anything that requires contact with other humans.

     Anyone on the list found to be attempting any of the above
     would be banned from doing those things and quietly whisked
     away to a comfortable, quiet room.

     Soon, with such a list in use, the world would begin to be
     brighter, the left lane on the interstate would clear, and
     stupidity in general would ebb. The sooner we gather the
     list, the better. Thanks again.

     -- Bernard L

I like it. And no, it's not Naziism; it's simply protecting The Rest
Of Us from the Intellectual Proletariat(tm). We're not trying to
create the perfect society; merely a slightly more tolerable society.

I was also very amused by those who realized, right from the outset,
that the easiest way to deal with the Unsubscription Fee was simply
to get it out of the way right up front:

     MS> Hi. Thanks to Ray's (joke-a-day) adding a link to your
     MS> unsubscription fees page, I have very happily wasted 2 hours
     MS> reading through your pages.

     (Okay, so he's a slow reader.)

     MS> I like it so much I joined up. As for the unsubscribe
     MS> fee, please accept my US$5 in advance. :)

     vs: YES! Finally, someone who is smart enough to realize, right
     vs: from the start, that he won't want to be sticking around for
     vs: long.

Chad B. in Burlington, Indiana, also realized that he wouldn't be
able to put up with us for very long:

     After reading collage 375, I knew I had to subscribe to
     HumourNet.

     One question, however: Would it be possible to have you
     charge the unsubscribe fee to my credit card now? That way I
     won't have to remember it and have an unexpected charge on
     my credit card later. Thanks for your help ;)

Similarly amusing are those who finally figured it out -- but almost
DIDN'T! Numbering among the Recently Enlightened is Jeff M. in
Lakewood, Colorado, seen here responding to the Official HumourNet
Unsubscription Message:

     hn: We have checked your geographical location, and it
     hn: corresponds to an unsubscription fee of US$5.00. Your credit
     hn: card will be charged the appropriate amount.

     JM> You are more than welcome to charge any card number you want
     JM> with a $5.00 fee. I never gave you a card number. If you can
     JM> find it on your own, knock yourself out. Charge away.
     JM> Cheers! ;-)

     hn: HumourNet:
     hn:   Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of
     hn:   The Rest of Us

     JM> Oh. I get it.

A little slow on the uptake, but gets there eventually. Another member
of the Recently Enlightened is Ezra R. in Reno, Nevada:

     You got me! I unsubscribed myself (only to resubscribe my
     new address) and I got the confirmation with the unsub fee
     notice. I about hit the roof before I remembered the old
     scandal. Than I laughed my a** off.

     Thanks for a good prank! :)

You're more than welcome, Ezra; thank you for restoring our faith in
humanity -- tenuous as it is.

Unfortunately, Jonathan P. in Arkansas took a little longer to reach
the illumination point:

     To Whom This May Concern,

     I do not know the meaning of this? When I subscribed there
     was no mention of an unsubscription rate. I have not
     included any information concerning a credit card. And there
     is no indication of my geographical location, what
     geographical locations have rates. Please send me
     documentation concerning this.
 
     Thank you,
     Jonathan

And then, several hours later ...

     I apoligize for the above posting. I found the welcome
     message and read the warning that you put on there. I guess
     I kind of freaked out. It seemed odd to me and I've been
     working on getting myself unsubscribed from the thousands of
     lists that I'm on. Needless, to say, yours has been the
     easiest (sad, isn't it!)
 
     Thanks,
     Jonathan

We'll put this one down as a near miss. :-) And speaking of near
misses, the most amusing misses of all are the ones that elude even
the perpetrator of the Unsubscription Fee, himself. Enter my favorite
subscriber for 1999, Tracy S. of the National Institute of Standards
and Technology in Gaithersburg, Maryland:

     Vince-

     I recently unsubscribed to HumourNet and I received an email
     saying that my credit card will be charged a $5.00
     unsubscription fee. I did not receive notification of this
     fee when I joined the list, and wouldn't have joined if that
     was the case. I have not given you my credit card number, or
     authorization to charge to it at any time. I haven't had
     time to read the postings for a year now and decided to save
     your server the trouble of sending to me when I can't read
     them, but if you insist on charging for unsubscribing then
     continue my subscription and I'll just keep throwing them
     away. It's up to you.

     Tracy S.

I love it when I know I've snared another one. Time to move in for
the kill ...

     Hi Tracy,

     If we did not have a credit card number for you on file,
     then the server probably forwarded the charge to your ISP.
     In your case, that would be the Purchasing Dept. at NIST.
     You might want to contact them to discuss the bill.

     Also, please note that we moved to a new server in August,
     and sent out a new Welcome message at that time. The new
     Welcome message contained the instructions for unsubscribing
     from the list, AS WELL AS all of the information on list
     policy and fees. I can send you a copy of that message if
     you would like.

     At this point, the charge is not reversible unless you can
     get your Purchasing Dept to return it to me; I can then add
     you back onto the list so that you may continue receiving
     list postings.

     Let me know how you wish to proceed.

     - Vince

Unfortunately, I quickly realized that Tracy was not the one who'd
been trapped:

     Vince-

     Since it's a joke, let it go through my Purchasing Dept.
     It's your tax dollars hard at work.
 
     LOL!!! Gotcha too!! Bye!!

     -Tracy

DAMN! I'd been nailed at my own game -- a fact that, I have to admit,
really did have me laughing out loud:

     LMAO! Yes, you got me. But it's not fair to entrap the
     moderator!

     Good job, Tracy. :-)

     Take care ...

     - Vince

Of course, I get to post this to my Unsubscription Fee Collage, so I
still manage to win. I think. Somehow, the list owner ALWAYS wins.
Speaking of the list owner always winning, you'll enjoy this one from
Dan R. in Blacksburg, Virginia:

     One of my professors at Virginia Tech says that several
     years ago he was somehow subscribed to a mailing list that
     he never desired to join. He made several requests to the
     list owner that he be removed, but the list owner denied
     that he was subscribed in the first place.

     After enduring this literally for years, my professor
     learned that the Virginia legislature was going to pass a
     law stating that if someone requests to be unsubscribed from
     an e-mail list and his request is not granted, he may sue
     the list owner for $500. Dr. Lee sent notice of this new law
     to the owner of the still offending mailing list.

     The list owner replied, "So? We're based in Toronto."

Obviously, we have to get the U.N. to put a stop to these madcap list
owners. <g>

On the subject of list ownership, one of the things that I find
somewhat amusing (even endearing) about all of this is the number of
people who correspond with me solely to snag a spot in a HumourNet
Collage (and yes, I do appreciate it when you put your city and state
(or country) in your signature). Sylvia L. in the U.K. presents a
classic case of a message intended solely for the Unsubscription Fee
Collage -- and it's simply too amusing to pass up:

     Submission fees? Pardon? What submission fees? I was not
     told of any submission fees in advance. And don't tell ME to
     read your little submission guidelines! I never got any. I
     tried. I sent the blank email as requested to wherever it
     was it said and -- nothing. I waited several days, and
     nothing! No submission guidelines. No hint about submission
     fees.

     Now, ordinarily, I'd say, I want my contribution back and
     you can forget the submission fee. But knowing what kind of
     slimy slug you are, you probably have an un-submission fee
     too. Now I am forced to wait (years probably, knowing how
     slow you are!) to see if my submission is accepted. I live
     in horror waiting to see if the rejection fee is worse than
     the acceptance fee.

     In closing, I would just like to point out that when you
     wind stupid gullible people up with threats of $5
     unsubscription fees, then that is funny. When you threaten
     *ME* with 50c of submission fees, it is not funny. Got that?
     Others - funny. Me - NOT funny. OK?

     :-)

     Sylvia

But what's even more amusing is when someone who writes to me does
NOT want to appear in a HumourNet Collage. For example, when
Maureen M. in Arkansas wrote to ask a favor of me, she included
this in her reply to my message...

     MM> Thank you thank you thank you

     MM> (kissing your ring)

     MM> I hope I am being sufficiently polite and appreciative. Any
     MM> excess is a blatant attempt to remain in your good graces in
     MM> order to keep any mention of my name or our conversations
     MM> out of future collages. I must really get some sleep now, I
     MM> have been staying quite late at night trying to figure out
     MM> proper phrasing for each of these letters, so as to leave
     MM> you the least amount of ammunition possible. I will,
     MM> however, visit the local court house to initiate proceedings
     MM> on a name change just in case you manage to pick up on
     MM> something I have missed.

     MM> with much appreciation,
     MM> the former Maureen <snip last name>

Clearly, there's more than one sleazy-yet-successful way to get your
name into an Unsubscription Fee Collage. <g>

But despite all of the witty, clever, creative, inventive, amusing,
entrepreneurial, or downright sleazy methods of getting your name up
in cyber-lights, the one who always goes home with the award is the
one who's just too goshdarned cute. Even *I* couldn't mess with this
poor little girl's mind when she wrote to me in response to the
unsubscription message:

     MD> do not charge me. i will stay on, if you dont charge me.
     MD> this is not my credit card, its my father's and he will
     MD> freak. please...

     vs: Normally, I'd have some fun with a message like this ... but
     vs: since I'm feeling very charitable tonight <g>, I'll simply
     vs: mention that there is no "fee" -- it's just a joke.

     vs: So, no need to stay on the list, and Dad's credit card isn't
     vs: going to be charged for anything. Unless I really *REALLY*
     vs: need a new modem ... ;-)

Randy Cassingham, editor of "This is True" and the new "Heroic
Stories" mailing list <http://www.heroicstories.com/>, thought that
I went too easy on her:

     RC> What a SOFTIE! Wow, Vince, you're really mellowing with age!

     vs: I know. *sigh* I could have had the little tyke crying in
     vs: her morning cereal, begging forgiveness from Dad for
     vs: something that was never going to happen. I could have
     vs: ruined her for life, put her in psychotherapy until she was
     vs: old enough to collect Social Security ...

     vs: [!]

     vs: Damn, where did I put her message ... ?

Of course, no Unsubscription Fee Collage would be complete without
the annual fund raising drive for The Seeing Eye in Morristown, New
Jersey -- and the following message provides the ideal lead-in:

     Jeez, Vince, I love HumourNet and the mailing list, but your
     unsub fee is SUCH a good idea that I find myself wanting to
     unsub just so I can assure you that the check is (really ...
     would this face lie?) in the mail. What's a girl to do?

Well, you can always contribute to The Seeing Eye. TSE trains dog
guides (yes, Walt, I got it right this time) for the blind, and has
been HumourNet's beneficiary for several years running now. If you
appreciate all of the work that goes into providing you with humour
four times a year ;-), then please consider a contribution to The
Seeing Eye -- or any dog-guide training center of your choice.
Contributions to TSE can be sent to:

     The Seeing Eye, Inc.
     ATTN: Rosemary Carroll
     Washington Valley Road
     Morristown NJ USA 07960

Be sure to state that the contribution is in the name of "HumourNet
Communications, Ltd," or else we won't acquire points toward a free
dog. (Okay, I'm kidding about the free dog. ;-)

You can visit TSE's home page at <http://www.seeingeye.org/>.

And finally, we hear from Maureen M. in Arkansas, who apparently
decided to hedge her bets on making a debut in a HumourNet Collage
with this message ...

     Subject: YOU HAVE BEEN QUOTED

     MM> I found a definite need to quote you today ... hope you
     MM> don't mind. The following text is from a conversation
     MM> between games at a Scrabble site. My comments are preceded
     MM> with "MM>" and the rest are from some unfortunate soul who
     MM> shall remain nameless...

     US> I was just wondering what everyones' strategy was whenever
     US> they have a rack full of vowels? Is it better to exchange
     US> and not get any points or should you try to make a play and
     US> get rid of some vowels hoping to pick up some good letters
     US> in your pick up? Just curious as to how others handle a rack
     US> full of vowels.

     MM> I usually cuss a little and throw a few things... then I
     MM> hack into the server and see if I can trade a few of them
     MM> with one of the games where I have a whole rack full of
     MM> consonants

     US> Isn't it illegal to exchange letters from one game to the
     US> next?

     MM> SIGH....

     MM> "Those without a sense of humor are at the mercy of the rest
     MM> of us." -- Vince Sabio

Indeed.

- Vince Sabio
   HumourNet Moderator
   moderator&#64;humournet.com
____________________________________________________________________
           Opener (above) Copyright 1999 by Vincent Sabio
   Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
   please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________


For those of you who are new to HumourNet, note that this is not our
standard format for mailings to this list. OTOH, since I seem to be
sending out a Collage every few months now, I'm not sure exactly WHAT
our standard format is, other than long periods of dead air. ;-)


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</collage410>