Subject:     Collage 407: Not For The Computer Challenged
Date:        2/28/1999 4:45 AM
Received:    2/28/1999 10:36 AM
From:        HumourNet, humournet-bounces@humournet.com
Reply-To:    HumourNet, moderator@humournet.com
To:          The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour, HumourNet@lyris.n

Collage 407              H u m o u r N e t              28 Feb 1999

<announcements>

Once again, a dearth of Collages. Apologies, but we here at
HQ HumourNet have been working harder than ever -- and have recently
completed two major projects that are worth announcing:

* SmartBounce Version 5.1 -- Yes! Just as the name implies, this
new and improved version of SmartBounce is exactly one-tenth better
than the previous version! (I think that this is why I never went
into advertising.)

Seriously, you might have noticed that HumourNet is entirely free of
paid advertising, either on the list or on the Web page. So, how do
we do it? Contrary to popular belief, it's not the unsubscription
fees, though I *do* plan to complete that Collage very soon. No,
HumourNet is funded through sales of SmartBounce, our automated
bounce handler for mailing lists. Unfortunately, the most popular
version of SmartBounce is entirely free -- a business plan that
perhaps could stand some improvement.

Anyway, if you are running a mailing list, and have a problem with
mail bounces, then you probably could benefit from SmartBounce. Check
it out:

  <http://www.smartbounce.com/>

* I am also a technical advisor for Topica.com, a *free* mailing-list
database, archival site, and hosting service. Topica launched its
"Preview Release" on Tuesday, 23 February. If you have been using
OneList or eGroups or a similar service for your mailing lists, stop
by Topica for a look at Mailing Lists Done Right:

  <http://www.topica.com/>

(Yes, that's a lot of announcements -- but hey, I've been off line
for a while, and had a lot of explaining to do. ;-)

</announcements>

BTW, the response to the opener in Collage 406 was a rather
overwhelming endorsement in favor of my contacting Mayor Rudy
Giuliani to convey my suggestions for next year's Times Square New
Year's Ball. Several people even sent me his postal and e-mail
addresses. I am unable to disappoint my constituency (thereby
distancing myself from Bill Clinton), and will compose and deliver
the aforementioned letter to his honor, Mr. Giuliani.

Of course, I will keep everyone apprised should we actually receive
a response from Mayor Giuliani's office. <g>

On the down side, the response to the opener in Collage 406 was
also a resounding "WAKE UP, VINCE!" Well, it worked ... I awakened,
and remembered that I *did*, in fact, know that January 1st, 2000,
is NOT the start of the new millennium. (DUH) I even have proof:

<http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/Collage.Archives/collage324.txt>

More than three hundred "reminders" later, I can guarantee that an
insignificant little fact like that will never again slip my mind.
(I knew that HumourNet catered to the intellectual upper crust of
the Net, but I had no idea just how terrible a monster I've been
cultivating all these years.)

Meanwhile, I've moved from geeks to computers. Just a heads up: I am
collecting Y2K humour in preparation for a forthcoming Y2K Collage.
Meanwhile, we have a general collection of computer humour that I
think you will enjoy ...

Randy Cassingham in Boulder, Colorado, starts this one off with a
great piece titled, "NULL -- The Ultimate Computer Language";

Steve C., in or near Memphis, Tennessee, brings us "ANOTHER Truly
Useful Help Desk Form";

Michael B. at the University of Waterloo in Canada sends along an
original piece, "Operation Save-The-Frog";

Jim in Los Angeles, California, revitalizes the Macarena with "Apple
To Name San Jose Arena";

and Kaiti T. in Alexandria, Virginia, closes this one out with "The
Ransom of Red Chief."

As always, applause and thanks to our contributors. And stay tuned --
that Unsubscription Fee Collage(tMS) will surface yet ...

Happy Bytes!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  moderator&#64;humournet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1999 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: NULL -- The Ultimate Computer Language

Computer Language Breakthrough

Bell Laboratories has formally announced what it believes is the
ultimate computer science language. Described by Iusi Nogoto, the
foremost Japanese fourth generation language expert, as "the only
truly elegant computer language ever devised," NULL, as it is known,
was developed by the same department that originally invented the
wrong number, the busy signal, and the phrase, "The number you have
reached is not in service."

NULL is the culmination of five years of work by a team of language
designers and computer science mathematicians. The final breakthrough
occurred when operating system expert Hugh Nicks suggested that if
removing GOTOs was good then why not scrap IF statements as well,
since they usually required typing too many characters anyway. This
brilliant concept was extended through a series of complex
mathematical theorems that form the basis of the NULL language. Put
in layman's terms by Sally Kahn-Vallee, electrical engineer and PROM
reader, "Like we first we tossed out the bath water, then the baby,
and like finally the whole tub." The elegance and conciseness of
NULL can thus be proven to be a direct consequence of the fact that
the language as defined contains no statements at all. While at
first glance this may seem a drawback, in fact, it is a major
improvement over any other language. A few of the numerous reasons
are:

    Point 1: Highly structured constructs.

    Point 2: Advanced data hiding techniques.

    Point 3: A NULL compiler can be written first in NULL
    without ever needing to be written in a lower level
    language.

    Point 4: Since there are no statements to compile, in fact,
    no compiler need ever be written in the first place, saving
    time and money.

    Point 5: Since there will be no compilers, no new releases
    will ever be issued hence maintenance is reduced.

    Point 6: NULL programs are highly portable and totally
    machine independent.

    Point 7: NULL programs compile and execute rapidly. An
    important point to note is that with the addition of a small
    amount of language dependent code, e.g. PROC/END etc., all
    NULL programs can be compiled by any other language
    compiler.

    Point 8: Since there will never be new releases of NULL, all
    programs are upwardly and downwardly compatible.

    Point 9: NULL can be parsed top-down, bottom-up, left-right,
    right-left, inside-out, and over-easy.

    Point 10: NULL programs are both self-documenting for
    clarity and self-concealing for security.

    Point 11: NULL programmers are easy to find and once found
    can be fired since they are not needed.

    Point 12: If desired, specialized NULL hardware could be
    designed, implementing the code in firmware. Of course, such
    hardware may require years of development. One suggestion
    from Bell's VLSI experts Nora and Andy Gates was to take an
    existing available chip and remove all the instructions
    except NOOP. While this should work in theory, they
    acknowledged that it is probably not the most efficient
    implementation.

These are just a few of the many ways NULL is superior to all
current computer languages. You can, no doubt, think of more. For
further reading consult any of the numerous books and articles by
Donald Knuth, David Parnas, and of course, the basis of all modern
computer language theory, "The Emperor's New Clothes."

By John R. Andrews, University of Illinois at Chicago.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: ANOTHER Truly Useful Help Desk Form

1. Describe the problem:
  ____________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
  ____________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
  (use extra paper if needed)
  ____________________________________________

3a. Are you sure you aren't imagining things? No__

4. Problem Severity:
  A. __Minor
  B. __Very Minor
  C. __Ultra Minor
  D. __Less Than Trivial
  E. __You Called For This???

5. Nature of the problem:
  A. __Locked Up
  B. __Crashed
  C. __Frozen
  D. __Hung
  E. __Shot
  F. __Smoking
  G. __Won't Open Pod Bay Doors
  H. __Other
  ____________________________________

6. Is the computer plugged in? Yes__ No__
6a. Is the computer turned on? Yes__ No__
6b. Did you pay the electric bill? Yes__ No__

7. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__
7a. If yes, did you make it worse? Yes__

8. Did your techno-guru-buddy try to fix it? Yes__No__
8b. If yes, did he/she make it worse? Yes__
8c. Even after drinking all that beer? Yes__

9. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
9a. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__
9b. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__
9c. And you think you understood it? Yes__ No__
9d. If yes, then why can't you fix the problem yourself?!
   ____________________________________________

10. What was your computer doing when the problem occurred?
   _____________________________________________

10a. If "nothing," please explain why you were logged in.
   _____________________________________________

11. How does this problem make you feel?
   ____________________________________________

11a. Tell us about your childhood
   ____________________________________________

11b. Does everything have to be about you? Yes__ No__

12. Are there any witnesses to this problem? Yes__ No__
12a. If no, please see #3a (above)

13. Can't you do something else, instead of the computer? Yes__

14. If site visit required, what days are you available next year?

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Operation Save-The-Frog

----------------------------------
My brother told me last night that he was having trouble with his
co-op log sheets. He was writing nothing more than "Fixed a computer"
in the logs. He said that they wanted the log sheets to be more
technical -- but you know the saying, be careful what you wish for...
----------------------------------

Monday:
I repaired a computer by serializing the bus cables on the primary
IDE drive controller. Another computer was experiencing a critical
processor slowdown upon initialization of the application(Win95). I
have been unable to properly locate the problem in the boot logs --
I will be running more extensive tests tomorrow.

Tuesday:
I installed a relative positional locating device onto the primary
serial port of an i586. The computer was also lacking the capability
to read removable magnetic media, so I rectified the problem by
disabling the proprietary floppy controller and attaching an
alternate card.

Wednesday:
Today the computer referenced in the text above was still
experiencing the processor lock. Upon opening the computer, I took
a gander at what I discovered to be a substandard proprietary
Compaq(tm) Single Inline Memory Module. I took the measures
necessary to replace this offending device, unfortunately the CPU
halt still occurs on initialization of Win95.

Thursday:
I feel that the Compaq(tm) SIMM replaced on the P(4,2)th day of this
month had already done its damage to the computer. I located the
manual and followed these steps to clean the polluted memory slot
(under the heading defibrilation):

1. Put tin foil between the new SIMM and the female memory
motherboard connector.
2. Flicked the power supply rapidly on and off 8.5 times.
3. Waited for BIOS examination and write to CMOS to complete.
4. Turned off the computer, and removed the tin foil and SIMM.
5. Placed the SIMM back in the computer.

Unfortunately, the computer was still experiencing the
aforementioned error. I have determined that a reinstall of the
application (Win95) is necessary.

Friday:
I contacted the owner of the computer to confirm his wish of
reinstallation of the application. Following his direction, I
performed "Operation Save-The-Frog" on his critical data
(Budweiser(tm) screen saver). I then performed a destructive
partitioning operation on the non-removable magnetic medium. Upon
reinstallation of Win95, however, the station persisted in refusing
to initialize the virtual device driver loader (itself a virtual
device). I will resume my attempts to coax this program into
properly loading upon my entrance into the workplace on
initialization of the following week.

Friday night:
Unfortunately, I have just learned that "Operation Save-The-Frog"
was a failure. The service will be held on Tuesday.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Apple To Name San Jose Arena

For Immediate Release
April 1, 1997

CUPERTINO, CA -- Apple Computers announced today that the company
has purchased naming rights to the San Jose Arena, home of the San
Jose Sharks hockey team.

Apple announced that the arena will called the Mac Arena. "We know
that every time people say that name, they will think of us," said
new Apple Chairman Larry Ellison.

Apple paid a reported $20 million dollars for the rights to control
the name of the arena for three years commencing April 1, 1999. "It
all just fit perfectly," said Ellison. "The Sharks and the Macintosh
are both doing really well."

In a related announcement, Apple named O.J. Simpson spokesperson for
the company. "After all the bloodletting at Apple, we had to have
somebody the public associates with a comeback," said Ellison. "We
think O.J. will work in well with hockey at the Mac Arena." As part
of the package, Apple announced a partnership with Mr. Simpson and
Bruno Magli shoes. "We will have photographs of Mr. Simpson wearing
their shoes at VIP events in the Mac Arena," according to Ellison.
"The tag line will be 'For important events, it's O.J. and Bruno
Magli -- shoes so comfortable, you'll forget you're wearing them.'"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Ransom of Red Chief

<<
WE  have   KIDnapPEd   StEVE  CasE.   SeND  us  $250,000  IN
unmarKEd  10  &   20  DoLLAr   BilLs  wIThiN  48   hOURs  or   WE
wiLL   have   NO    cHoiCE   but   to   senD   hiM   back.
>>

********************************************************************
 Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy of the rest of us.
********************************************************************

"HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail
list server from Lyris Technologies, Inc. For more information on
Lyris, see <http://www.lyris.com/>. HumourNet's Web and FTP sites
are hosted by gamerz.net; see <http://www.gamerz.net/>.

To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following
command to <lyris&#64;lyris.net>:

subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country

where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems,
then either (1) send any message to <HumourNet-info&#64;lyris.net> for
a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web
interface at <http://lists.lyris.net/>, or (3) send a *detailed*
description of the problem to <humournet-owner&#64;lyris.net>.

To unsubscribe, (1) forward any HumourNet mailing (or blank message)
to <leave-humournet&#64;lyris.net>, (2) visit Lyris's Web interface at
<http://lists.lyris.net/>, or (3) refer to your Welcome message for
detailed instructions.

For instructions on contributing material to HumourNet, send any
message to <contribution-guidelines&#64;lyris.net>.

>>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors,
not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the
text wherever possible. <<<

The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP:

    Web: <http://www.humournet.com/>
    FTP: <ftp://ftp.humournet.com/pub/HumourNet/Collage.Archives/>

Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that
1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line
containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer,
and 2) no fee is charged.

Also: Be *SURE* to remove the footer (with your e-mail address)
from this message before forwarding it!

There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a
copy of them, send any message to <posting-guidelines&#64;lyris.net>, or
refer to your Welcome message.

********************************************************************
    "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
********************************************************************
</collage407>