15 Messages
 
Date: Mon, 24 Nov 1997 22:42:06 
From: HumourNet
Subject: Collage 378: Collage 001


Collage 378              H u m o u r N e t              25 Nov 1997

It was a dark and stormy night. (Okay, so it was a bright sunny day.
It's cliche either way, and "dark and stormy" simply works better
with this subject matter.) I was working late at the office, moving
some files from one computer to another, deleting other files --
just generally "cleaning up."

It was then that I found it. It was a very important file. It was
"The Most Treasured File Of All."

It was a mailbox.

And, in the best tradition of (and with humble deference to) those
paragons of British humour, Monty Python, the mailbox was aptly
named, "Humour."

I flipped open the mailbox. I read through old mail messages dating
back, in some cases *years*. It was all archived, right there, right
there in *my* mailbox, right there on a United States Government(tMS)
computer.

Proof that I had been misusing government equipment for the storage
of unofficial information. Waste, fraud, and/or abuse. Oh, dear god.

Always being one to "spread the wealth" (read: waste, fraud, and
abuse), I collected together some of the better messages and sent
them out to some friends, along with a short note stating that I
was cleaning out my "Humour" mailbox, and that I hoped that they
enjoyed the material.

As it turned out, all of the messages that I gathered together on
that dark and stormy night -- all of the best selections of waste,
fraud and abuse that I could find -- were of a single theme:
Aeronautical humour.

And so was Collage Number One(tMS) born.

That was three years ago today.

A good deal of the material from Collage 001 continues to be submitted
to me pretty regularly here at HQ HumourNet -- so I decided to re-run
Collage 001 for our three-year anniversary.

You'll note that the format is pretty raw compared to the highly-
homogenized postings that you see now. There are no "SUBJ" lines, no
attributions, and there was originally no cutesie trailer with tons
of useful information about the mailing list.

There *was no* mailing list. There was just (all together now) waste,
fraud, and abuse.

Especially abuse.

Collage 001 is presented to you in its full, unedited glory -- save
that trailers are now standard on all HumourNet Collages. Even the
original opener follows this opener. I *did* put in the "standard"
HumourNet delimiters -- but I resisted the urge to change the "Delta
Air Lines" piece to read "AirTran -- Formerly ValuJet." <g>

Most of the material is from John Darling in New Jersey, one of the
Fab Five(tMS) original HumourNetters. (And the guy who, about a year
ago, responded to a Microsoft Humour Collage by saying, "If you run
another one of those, I'll unsubscribe." To which I responded, "No
problem; I'll just resubscribe you." Even FRIENDS don't skate on the
unsubscription fee around here ...)

Hope you guys find this stuff amusing ... If not, blame John. :-)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator

____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

Hi, Folks!

Clearing out the "aero" humor.
Hope you guys find this stuff amusing ...
If not, blame John. :-)

- Vince

=================

THE PARACHUTE PARADIGM:

You are one of *two* people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one
parachute. How would you react?

Pessimist:  you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump
anyway.

Optimist:  you refuse the parachute because people have survived
crashes just like this before.

Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.

Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use
in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.

Lawyer:  you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.

Doctor:  you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute
in order to make your next appointment.

Sales executive:  you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get
the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.

Internal Revenue Service:  you confiscate the parachute along with their
luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.

Advertiser: you strip-tease while singing that what they need is a neon
parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.

Engineer:  you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and
dental floss.

Scientist:  you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report
on how well it worked.

Mathematician:  you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it
will work in all cases.

Philosopher:  you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.

English major:  you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute
instructions.

Comparative Literature: you read the parachute instructions in all four
languages.

Computer Science:  you design a machine capable of operating a parachute
as well as a human being could.

Economics:  you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals,
how much they would pay for a parachute.

Psychoanalysis:  you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them
of.

Drama: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a
person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.

Art:  you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.

Republican: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard
and not expect handouts.

Democrat:  you ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can cut the
parachute into two equal pieces.

Libertarian:  after reminding them of their constitutional right to have a
parachute, you take it and jump out.

National Rifle Association:  you shoot them and take the parachute.

Police Bigot:  you beat them unconscious with the parachute.

Environmentalist:  you refuse to use the parachute unless it is
biodegradable.

Objectivist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute,
as the free market will take care of the other person.

Branch Davidian (David Koresh):  you get inside the parachute and refuse to
come out.

Sports Fan:  you start betting on how long it will take to crash.

Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works
fine.

Ross Perot:  you tell them not to worry, since it won't take you long to
learn how to fix a plane.

Surgeon General:  you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to
your health.

Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that despite a
number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown no link
whatsoever between airplane crashes and death.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot, but
she keeps denying it--until finally the husband just knew when
his wife said:

	"Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told
you niner thousand times, negative on the affair ..."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

This CFI and his Student are holding on the runway for departing cross
traffic when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops in the
middle of the runway, and just stands there looking at them.

Tower:	Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.

Std:	"What should I do?  What should I do?"
Inst:	"What do you think you should do?"

(think-think-think)

Std:	"Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away."
Inst:	"That's a good idea."

(Taxis toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)

Tower:	Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.

Std:	"What should I do?  What should I do?"
Inst:   "What do you think you should do?"

(think-think-think)

Std:	"Maybe I should tell the tower."
Inst:   "That's a good idea."
Std:	Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway.

(long pause)

Tower:	Roger XXX, hold your position.  Deer on runawy NN cleared for
	immediate departure.

(Two seconds, and then--I presume by coincidence--the deer bolts from the
runway, and runs back into the woods.)

Tower:	Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake
	turbulence, departing deer.

It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Santa Claus, upon trudging out to his sleigh for his annual night
freight trip around the world, was surprised to find a guy with a
shotgun standing next to his rig.

Santa asked him why he was there.  The man replied, "I'm from the
FAA, and this is an unscheduled 135 inspection. I'll ride right
seat."

Santa responded, "With all due respect, sir, I've been doing this
flight for over 700 years -- but if you insist, well, let's go."

As they both climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that the FAA
inspector brought his shotgun along with him, placing it in his lap,
with his finger on the trigger.  Santa asked, "What's the shotgun
for?"

To which the FAA inspector grumbled, "You're going to lose two on
takeoff..."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

A true story (from the latest edition of Australian Aviation magazine):

After a particularly lousy landing by the co-pilot of an
Australian commercial airline, that co-pilot heard the Captain announce
"Ladies and Gentlemen, XXX airlines wishes to apologise for that
rough landing provided today by our first officer".

Some months later the same crew were together and, you guessed it,
the Captain did an even worse one.
The First Officer immediately jumped on the intercom announcing
"Ladies and Gentlemen, XXX airlines wishes to apologise for that
rough landing provided today by our Captain".

The Captain immediately responded angrily, "What did you say
that for?".  The First Officer replied "Remember a couple of months
back? I owed it to you!".

"But I never keyed the mike!" responded the Captain.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

	"The Top 15 Advertising Slogans for Delta Air Lines:"

	1.  Delta: We're Amtrak with wings.

	2.  Join our frequent near-miss program.

	3.  Ask about our out-of-court settlements.

	4.  Noisy engines?  We'll turn 'em off!

	5.  Complimentary champagne in free-fall.

	6.  Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.

	7.  The kids will love our inflatable slides.

	8.  You think it's so easy, get your own damm plane!

	9.  Delta: Our pilots are terminally ill and have nothing to lose.

	10. Delta: We might be landing on your street!

	11. Delta: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.

	12. Bring a bathing suit.

	13. So that's what these buttons do!

	14. Delta: A real man lands where he wants to.

	15. Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Purportedly real, but I didn't hear it myself ...

(Transmission as a DC-10 rolls out long after a fast landing...)

San Jose Tower:  American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able.
                 If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway
                 101 back to the airport.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

(Heard on the radio - _really_)

   Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."

   Tower:  "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!!  Do you have
            the airfield in sight?!?!!"

   Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where
            the fuel truck is."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

(This one really happened - the FE was suspended:) On some air carrier
operations, a video camera was installed in the cockpit so that passengers
could watch the pilot land the plane.  On one flight, the FE decided to
have some fun with the passengers and purchased part of a gorilla costume;
more specifically, just the left arm.  When the plane came in to land, the
camera was turned on, and the FE had his gorilla arm on.  Since from the
position of the camera all you could see of the FE was his left arm,
whenever he went to reach up and flip (a) switch(es), all the video showed
was a hairy arm!  So the passengers were given the illusion that a monkey
(or whatever their imagination wished to conjure) was operating some of
the controls!!!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

This story was told to me by a friend who "swore" he heard it on an IFR
flight in Germany.  It seems a "good ol' boy" American (Texas-sounding)
AF C-130 reserve pilot was in the (that day very crowded) instrument
pattern for landing at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something like
this:

Cont:  "AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R.  You have a UH-1
three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."

Pilot:  "Rogo', Frankfurt.  We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred
and thirty knots fur ya."

Cont (a few moments later):  "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1 1/2
miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."

Pilot:  "AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots"

Cont:  "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile
ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"

Pilot (a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here
C-130 is?"

Cont:  "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Tower: "12345, are you a Cessna?"

12345: "No....I am a male hispanic."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Tower:  "Aircraft on final, go around, aircraft on runway."

Solo Student Pilot: "Roger"  (Continues descent.)

Tower:  "Aircraft, GO AROUND"

Student:  "Roger"  (Continues descent.)

Tower: (Screaming)  "AIRCRAFT, GO AROUND!!"

Student: "Roger"  (Continues descent.)

So, the student pilot plunks his airplane down on the numbers, taxies up to
where the twin is sitting in the middle of the runway, GOES AROUND it, and
continues on to the taxiway.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

JUSTICE PREVAILS
Finally, you'll recall
Apple once had a computer code-named
"Carl Sagan." When the Cosmos guy
heard about this, rather than being flat-
tered he demanded they change the
code name, which they did, to "BHA."
When Sagan learned that BHA stood
for Butt-Head Astronomer, he sued
Apple for libel.
 Well, Judge J. Baird of the U.S.
District Court for Central California has
thrown out the case, writing in his opin-
ion, "One does not seriously attack the
expertise of a scientist using the unde-
fined phrase 'butt-head'."
 Ah, the old undefined phrase trick.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

M     M        DDDD                          ll  ll
MM   MM        D   D                          l   l
M M M M        D   D                          l   l
M  M  M  ccc   D   D  ooo  n nn  n nn   eee   l   l
M     M c      D   D o   o nn  n nn  n e   e  l   l
M     M c      D   D o   o n   n n   n eeeee  l   l
M     M c      D   D o   o n   n n   n e      l   l
M     M  ccc   DDDD   ooo  n   n n   n  eee  lll lll

DDDD                    ll
D   D                    l
D   D                    l   aaa
D   D  ooo  u   u  ggg   l      a   ssss
D   D o   o u   u g   g  l   aa a  s
D   D o   o u   u g   g  l  a  aa   sss
D   D o   o u  uu g  gg  l  a   a      s
DDDD   ooo   uu u  gg g lll  aaa a ssss
                     g
                  ggg

 AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES

     Important! Important! Important! Important!

Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase.

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft.  In
order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to
fill out the warranty registration card below.  Answering the survey
questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop
new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. _Mr.  _Mrs.  _Ms.  _Miss  _Lt.  _Gen.  _Comrade  _Classified _Other

First Name____________________Initial____Last Name_________________________

Latitude________________________Longitude__________________________________

Altitude________________________Password, Code Name, Etc.__________________

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

  _F-14 Tomcat   _F-15 Eagle  _F-16 Falcon  _F-117A Stealth  _Classified

3. Date of purchase:  Month___________Day___________Year____________

4. Serial Number____________________

5. Please check where this product was purchased:

_Received as Gift/Aid Package

_Catalog Showroom
_Sleazy Arms Broker
_Mail Order
_Discount Store
_Government Surplus
_Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you
have just purchased:

_Heard loud noise, looked up
_Store Display
_Espionage
_Recommended by friend/relative/ally
_Political lobbying by Manufacturer
_Was attacked by one

7.  Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your

decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

_Style/Appearance
_Kickback/Bribe
_Recommended by salesperson
_Speed/Maneuverability
_Comfort/Convenience
_McDonnell Douglas Reputation
_Advanced Weapons Systems
_Price/Value
_Back-Room Politics
_Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

_North America
_Central/South America
_Aircraft Carrier
_Europe
_Middle East
_Africa
_Asia/Far East
_Misc. Third-World Countries
_Classified

9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to purchase
in the near future:

Product                     Own     Intend to purchase
Color TV
VCR
ICBM
Hunter-Killer Satellite
CD Player
Air-to-Air Missiles
Space Shuttle
Home Computer
Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization?  Check all
that apply:

_Communist/Socialist
_Terrorist
_Crazed (Islamic)
_Crazed (Other)
_Neutral
_Democratic
_Dictatorship
_Corrupt (Latin American)
_Corrupt (Other)
_Primitive/Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

_Cash
_Suitcases of Cocaine
_Oil Revenues
_Deficit Spending
_Personal Check
_Credit Card
_Ransom Money
_Traveler's Check

12. Occupation               You     Your Spouse

Homemaker
Sales/Marketing
Revolutionary
Clerical
Mercenary
Tyrant
Middle Management
Eccentric Billionaire
Defense Minister/General
Retired
Student

13. To help us understand our Customers' lifestyles, please indicate
the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy
participating on a regular basis:

Activity/Interest               You     Your Spouse
Golf
Boating/Sailing
Sabotage
Running/Jogging
Propaganda/Disinformation
Destabilizing/Overthrow
Default on Loans
Gardening
Crafts
Black Market/Smuggling
Collectibles/Collections
Watching Sports on TV
Wines
Interrogation/Torture
Household Pets
Crushing Rebellions
Espionage/Reconnaissance
Fashion Clothing
Border Disputes
Mutually Assured Destruction

Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire.  Your
answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell
Douglas serve you better in the future -- as well as allowing you to
receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments,
extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?  Please write to:

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800
St. Louis, MO 55500

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</collage378>

************************

Subject:     Collage 389: Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame
Date:        3/11/1998 2:58 AM
Received:    3/11/1998 7:33 AM
From:        HumourNet
To:          The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour

Collage 389              H u m o u r N e t              11 Mar 1998

<announcements>

On Friday, 6 March 1998, HumourNet was featured on "What's Funny on
the Internet Today." (It is truly amazing what people will do for
five dollars these days. Not to say that the judges at WFIT are
*corrupt*, mind you. I mean, "corrupt" is such a strong word. I
prefer to refer to them as "businessmen.")

So, be sure to check out our brief moment in the shade ...

    <http://whatsfunny.farfan.com/wf/listings/980306.htm>

After all, I'd hate to have wasted the five bucks for nothing.

</announcements>

Due to technical problems at HQ HumourNet, there is no "opener" for
today's Collage. But the subject matter really needs no opener; it's
a regular here on HumourNet, and certainly stands tall on its own.

Welcome, once again, to the "Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame."

(BTW, the Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame is A HumourNet Original(tm),
just like the "Unsubscription Fee," and that ever-popular on-line
game, "Guess Who Bill Murdered THIS Week?!" :-)

Starting things off is Rondal in New York City, with "The Importance
of Not Being Seen -- Take One";

Barry in Bowling Green, Kentucky, follows up with, "The Importance of
Not Being Seen -- Take Two";

John S. in Atlanta, Georgia, continues the theme with -- you guessed
it -- "The Importance of Not Being Seen -- Take Three";

and Randy Cassingham of Boulder, Colorado -- author of "This is True"
<http://www.thisistrue.com/> -- brings us a double whammy with "The
Importance of Not Being Seen -- Take Four" and "Make A Getaway In
Your Chevrolet";

Robert in Freeport, Texas, sends along the piece entitled, "I'll Take
Door Number Three for Twenty-Five-to-Life, Please";

Rick in Bakersfield, God-knows-where, submits "At Least He Recognized
His Station in Life";

Dave H. in Ames, Iowa, takes credit for [submitting -- not the crime]
"Know Your Target -- Take One";

Gerrit in Kruibeke-Bazel, Belgium, brings us "Know Your Target --
Take Two";

and Mark B in the United Kingdom closes out this edition of the
Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame with "Hooked on Grand Larceny."

Many thanks to all our contributors!

Enjoy ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator

____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: The Importance of Not Being Seen -- Take One

NY Times, Monday, August 25, 1997 -- Alwyn Green of Jersey City, New
Jersey, was arrested late Saturday night in Flatlands, Brooklyn. The
suspected drug dealer phoned in a fake report of a police officer
needing assistance, which served only to call attention to himself
and the pound and a half of cocaine he had.

According to police, Green reported an officer in trouble on East
36th Street. Officers who answered the call quickly realized that
the report was false. When they learned that the call came from a
telephone at Ryder and Flatlands Avenues, three blocks away, Sgt.
Stephen Bruno and four other officers from the 63d Precinct headed
there, and saw Mr. Green talking on a pay phone and holding a
shopping bag.

Seeing the police approach, Mr. Green hung up the phone and walked
away, leaving the shopping bag behind, a police spokeswoman said.
When the officers looked in the bag, which held cocaine, Mr. Green
started running but was caught a block away.

Mr. Green was also holding a knapsack that contained cocaine, the
police said. The charges against him include reporting a false
incident and criminal possession of drugs with intent to sell.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Importance of Not Being Seen -- Take Two
Excerpted from the Daily News (Bowling Green, KY), July 1997

Army Pvt. Daniel Christian Bowden was arrested at the Fort Belvoir
Federal Credit Union in Fort Belvoir, Virginia, after a teller
thought she recognized him as the man who robbed the bank several
weeks earlier, according to an affidavit filed Tuesday. The robber
did not wear a mask.

Bowden told the teller he wanted to wire $2,900 to Texas and pushed
a pile of cash across the counter to be deposited in his account,
according to the affidavit.

The bills' serial numbers matched a list of the $4,759 taken in the
robbery, so the teller called military police.

Bowden is a military police officer who had undergone training on
handling bank robberies, law enforcement officials said. He is also
a suspect in the May 12 robbery of another northern Virginia bank."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Importance of Not Being Seen -- Take Three

A guy in Conyers, Georgia, apparently "stole" his own Mercedes.

He hid the car in his basement and then told the police that it had
been stolen. The goal, apparently, was insurance fraud.

However, he apparently forgot that his Benz was equipped with Lojak.

The police activated the device and tracked the car to the man's
basement. He has been arrested.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Importance of Not Being Seen -- Take Four
Wed, 10 Dec 1997 18:11:27 PST

MIAMI BEACH (Reuters) - Miami Beach resident Todd Boucino was
arrested by a posse of police officers after bungling an attempt at
robbing a NationsBank branch on Washington Avenue -- just down the
road from a precinct station.

According to police spokesman Al Boza, Boucino walked into the bank,
simulated carrying a concealed weapon, and told a teller "give me
all the money." The teller fled, and Boucino helped himself to the
cash.

Just outside, a passing off-duty police officer heard the commotion
and put out the alert.

Running out of the bank, Boucino frantically tried to flag down a
taxi but the driver, seeing bystanders gesturing in the background,
refused to take him.

As Boucino fled, he was "chased literally by a parade of officers
... I was one of them," Boza said. One cop having a snack in a diner
joined in.

The alleged robber managed to stop a cab in another street, but the
chasing police officers caught him as he climbed in. They recovered
the money; Boucino was charged with armed robbery.

"This was an exercise in how not to rob a bank. He got the wrong
day," Boza said.

[Editor's Note: Sounds like he got the wrong line of work. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: I'll Take Door Number Three for Twenty-Five-to-Life, Please

Inmate and would-be escapee Mark Conover had his choice of three
doors when he made his break for freedom.

He chose the wrong door.

Upset that a Harris County, Texas, judge had revoked his bail for
showing up late to court, Conover made a run for it. The inmate ran
down a hallway connecting two misdemeanor courts, with deputies in
hot pursuit.

He passed the door to the stairwell.

He passed the door to a courtroom.

He chose door No. 3 -- the door that led to a prisoner holdover
cell.

"He was embarrassed," Baliff Toby Devine said.

Conover, who was in court on a misdemeanor charge of driving with a
suspended license, was apprehended and now faces felony escape
charges.

Because he is a habitual criminal, Conover's short-lived quest for
freedom may prove very expensive. If convicted, his failed escape
attempt could lead to a minimum of 25 years in prison.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: At Least He Recognized His Station in Life

At the Lancaster State Prison, an inmate had an insightful means of
escape. He hid himself in a garbage dumpster knowing that in the
morning, he would be dumped into a garbage truck, would be hauled to
the local landfill, and walk away.

He WAS found at the local landfill with nearly every bone in his
body broken. He won't walk again for quite a while...

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Know Your Target -- Take One
Excerpted from the Des Moines Register, Tuesday, 18 November 1997

An employee of McDonald's Restaurant [in Des Moines] was mugged late
Sunday as he took a bucket of grease outside to dump in a container.

Donald L. Skelton, 64, was cut with a knife, but his injuries were
listed as minor.

Des Moines police said Skelton walked outside about 11:35 p.m. After
dumping the grease, he turned to walk back into the building and was
confronted by two men demanding money.

One of them carried a shotgun or rifle, and the other carried a
knife. Skelton told police he grabbed the man with the knife and
started to swing the grease bucket at him. He was able to get away,
but suffered cuts on his neck and left hand.

"No arrests were reported."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Know Your Target -- Take Two

A bunch of not-so-smart bank robbers have blown up a sort of ATM
machine in Sint-Jans-Molenbeek, a small village in Belgium near
Brussels.

There was a lot of damage done to the bank as well as to houses in
the neighbourhood, but the bank robbers didn't get a lot of money.

It seems that the machine they blew up was a dispenser of account
statements instead of a money dispenser.

[Editor's Note: Gerrit adds, "For those who can read dutch:
<http://www.brtn.be/cgi-bin/tt/brtn/hispage/100?541026>." </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Hooked on Grand Larceny
Heard on BBC Radio 2, 2nd Jan 1998

Two men were arrested for burglary recently on videotaped evidence.

Police had raided the home of one of the men (on an unrelated
matter) and were surprised to discover that the man a video library,
featuring a tape onto which he had recorded (videotaped) the crimes
of himself and his colleague, edited crimes together and added
incidental music.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Make A Getaway In Your Chevrolet
Excerpted from "This is True," <http://www.thisistrue.com>.
Copyright 1997, Randy Cassingham; used with permission of the author.

Heather Beckwith, 18; Curtis Johnson, 19; Michael Guilbault, 19; and
Justin Lowery, 17, were driving around Raleigh, N.C., looking for
just the right place to rob, prosecutors say. Once they chose a spot,
Beckwith and Johnson hid the car in a dark spot while Guilbault and
Lowery went into the store. When they came out, they found Beckwith
and Johnson in the getaway car, in the dark, with the doors locked,
"steaming up the windows," Assistant DA Jeffrey Cruden said. They
told Guilbault and Lowery to "be patient." Once the couple "completed
the act" they unlocked the doors. By then, witnesses had a good
description of the car and the four were arrested. Johnson and
Lowery have been charged with robbery and await trial. Guilbault has
pleaded guilty to robbery; and Beckwith has pleaded guilty to being
an accessory after the fact. (Raleigh News and Observer) ...That's
not what I meant when I said "Let's hit the Quickie Mart."

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</collage389>

************************

Subject:     Collage 390: More Kiddie
Date:        3/16/1998 1:56 AM
Received:    3/16/1998 7:33 AM
From:        HumourNet
To:          The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour

Collage 390              H u m o u r N e t              16 Mar 1998

Yet another opener-less Collage; sorry! It's especially sad, since
there is so much great kiddie material running around -- but it's
either no opener or no Collage.

And so ...

David in Sunnyvale, California, starts us off with, "The Home Physics
Laboratory";

Daniel in Walpole, Massachusetts brings us a suggestion for "Effective
Child Rearing";

Danielle in Raleigh, North Carolina, takes credit for "Just Another
Toy";

Loretta (a.k.a. "The Olde Broad") in Branchburg, New Jersey, sends
along the "Thanksgiving Cookbook";

J.D. in South Plainfield, New Jersey, submits "Accomplice";

and Randy M. in Herndon, Virginia (and a co-listmom on one of the
discussion lists that I run) brings us "Jack Handy -- Kids' Redux."

(Apologies for the lengths of two pieces in this Collage: "Jack
Handy -- Kids' Redux" and "Thanksgiving Cookbook." Believe it or
not, I trimmed both of them down a bit for this Collage.)

Huge thanks to our contributors! Enjoy ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator

____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: The Home Physics Laboratory

Frogs can survive the washing machine but don't do well in the
dryer. Frog bits will never come out of dried clothes. Throw them
away before they stink up the whole house.

Ditto snakes.

Mascara on cat whiskers makes really cool wavey lines on anything
onto which he tries to rub it off. They do not come off of paint.

Boys can jump off a two story high roof and break nothing but mom
will be on tranquilizers for at least a week.

If you stick a lighter into the sprinkler head in the bathroom, the
sprinklers will go off in the entire loft. It takes 5 minutes to
raise the level of water to the point where the downstairs neighbor
is also getting flooded.

Long-haired dogs hate Epilady.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Effective Child Rearing

"Make sure your children understand what 'death' means. It is then
much more effective when you threaten them with it."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Just Another Toy

A few years ago, my then 3-year-old brother visited with me during
my freshman year in college. We went over to the music building and
I played the piano for him. After I played a few songs, he jumped
down from the bench, walked all the way around the piano and looked
underneath. I asked what he was looking for and he said, "Where do
the batteries go in this thing?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Thanksgiving Cookbook (The Abridged Version)
by Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten Class

NOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be responsible for medical bills resulting
from use of her class's cookbook

Ivette -- Banana Pie:
You buy some bananas and crust. Then you mash them up and put them in
the pie. Then you eat it.

Russell -- Turkey
You cut the turkey up and put it in the oven for ten minutes and 300
degrees. You put gravy on it and eat it.

Geremy -- Turkey
You buy the turkey and take the paper off. Then you put it in the
refrigerator and take it back out and cut it with a knife and make
sure all the wires are out and take out the neck and heart. Then you
put it in a big pan and cook it for half an hour at 80 degrees. Then
you invite people over and eat.

Andrew -- Pizza
Buy some dough, some cheese and pepperoni. Then you cook it for 10
hours at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.

Shelby -- Applesauce
Go to the store and buy some apples, and then you squish them up.
Then you put them in a jar that says, "Applesauce." Then you eat it.

Meghan H. -- Turkey
You cut it into 16 pieces and then you leave it in the oven for 15
minutes and 4 degrees. you take it out and let it cool and then
after 5 minutes, then you eat it.

Danny -- Turkey
You put some salt on it to make it taste good. Then you put it in the
oven. Then you cook it for an hour at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.

Brandon -- Turkey
First you buy it at Fred Meyer. Then you cut it up and cook it for 15
hours at 200 degrees. Then you take it out and eat it.

Megan K -- Chicken
You put it in the oven for 25 minutes and 25 degrees and put gravy on
it and eat it.

Christa -- Cookies
Buy some dough and smash it and cut them out. Then put them in the
oven for 2 hours at 100 degrees. Then take them out and dry them
off. Then it's time to eat them.

Irene -- Turkey
Put it on a plate and put it in the oven with gravy. You cook it for
1 minute and for 100 degrees. Then it's all cooked. Your mom or dad
cuts it and then eat.

Moriah -- Turkey
First you cut the bones out. Then you put it in the oven for 10 hours
at 600 degrees. Then you put it on the table and eat it.

Jordyn -- Turkey
First you have to cut it up and put it on a plate in the oven for 9
minutes and 18 degrees. Then you dig it out of the oven and eat it.

Grace -- Turkey
First you add some salt. Then you put it in a bowl. Then you put
brown sugar on it. Then you mix it all together with a spoon and
then you add some milk and mix it again. And then you put it in a
pan. Then you put it in the oven for 15 minutes and 16 degrees. Then
you take it out of the oven and then you eat it.

Alan -- Turkey
First you shoot it and then you cut it. And then you put it in the
oven and cook it for 10 minutes and 20 degrees. You put it on plates
and then you eat it.

Jason -- Chicken Pie
Put the chicken in the pot and put the salad and cheese and mustard
and then you mix it all together. Then put chicken sauce and stir it
all around again. Then you cook it for 5 minutes at 9 degrees. Then
you eat it.

Christopher -- Pumpkin Pie
First you buy a pumpkin and smash it. Then it is all done. And you
cook it in the oven for 12 minutes and 4 degrees. Then you eat it.

Ashley -- Chicken
Put it in the oven. Then cut it up. Then I eat it.

Jennie -- Corn
My mom buys it. Then you throw it. Then you cook it. Then you eat it.

Jordan -- Cranberry Pie
Put cranberry juice in it. Then you put berries in it. Then you put
dough in it. Then you bake it. Then you eat it.

Adam -- Pumpkin Pie
First you put pumpkin seeds in it. Put it in a pan and bake it at 5
degrees for 6 minutes. Then take it out and eat it.

Jarryd -- Deer Jerky
Put it in the oven overnight at 20 degrees. Then you go hunting and
bring it with you. Then you eat it.

[Editor's Note: "Deer Jerky"? </vs>]

Isabelle -- Spaghetti
Put those red things in it. Then put the spaghetti in it. Then cook
it in the oven for 2 minutes at 8 degrees.

Nicholas -- White and Brown Pudding
First you read the wrapper. Get a piece of water. Stir. Then you eat
it.

Lauren -- Turkey
First you find a turkey and kill it. Cut it open. Put it in a pan.
Pour milk in the pan. Put a little chicken with it. Put salsa on it.
Take out of pan. Put it on the board. Cut into little pieces. Put on
a rack. Put in the oven for 7 minutes at 10 degrees. Take out of the
oven and put eensy weensy bit of sugar on it. Put a little more
salsa on it. Then you eat it.

Tommy -- Pumpkin
Cook the pumpkin. Then get ready to eat the pumpkin

Wai -- Pumpkin Pie
Get a pumpkin. Cook it. Eat it.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Accomplice

A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach
the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite
reach it. The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch
and pushed the doorbell.

He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"

The boy answered, "We'd better run like hell!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Jack Handy -- Kids' Redux  (The Expurgated Version)

Excerpted rom an actual newspaper contest, where entrants aged 4 to
15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy" ...

My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we
get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I
should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn
eternally--but I didn't want to upset him. Age 10

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better
have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. Age 5

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine
that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source
of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier,
the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water
riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. Age 13

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my
dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away
all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. Age
14

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is
why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to
wash clothes on the last day of their life? Age 15

Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think
about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!" Age 15

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's
birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have
a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December
26, just for the long weekends. Age 8

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a
few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple
of days saved up. Age 7

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting
just any old yokel vote. Age 10

Home is where the house is. Age 6

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.
That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an
accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it,
the blood would be right there. Age 5

The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think
it odd that I drive without pants. Age 15

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
Age 13

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese.
Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock.
That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except
maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or
"Isn't is morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was
speeding?" Age 15

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no
feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed
them, right? Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize
world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be
until the looting started. Age 15

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</collage390>


************************

Subject:     Collage 391: The Last Sacrament
Date:        3/23/1998 3:01 AM
Received:    3/23/1998 7:32 AM
From:        HumourNet
To:          The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour

Collage 391              H u m o u r N e t              23 Mar 1998

<announcements>

First of all, my apologies for the truncated subject line on
Collage 390; it is proof that there is no finite number of idiot
checks that I can write into my software that will ever effectively
solve The Real Problem -- the one between my keyboard and my chair.

*sigh*

The subject line should have read, "More Kiddie Adventures."

Speaking of Collage 390, the piece entitled, "Jack Handy -- Kids'
Redux" is, apparently, ACTUALLY from the Washington Post's "Style
Invitational." (The entry has been corrected in the archives.)

Many thanks to the 12,592 readers who pointed that out to me. I'd
list all your names, except that Sprint and MCI would have to upgrade
their peering routers at MAE-East and MAE-West to handle the added
load. (Seriously, though, I *do* appreciate everyone who writes in
to let me know when a credit has been missed or attributed
incorrectly. I *especially* appreciate those people who realize that
I'm not the one stripping off the credits.)

What amuses me when I receive correspondence on subjects like this
(and just about any other subject, really) is the way that some
subscribers will attempt to come up with something cute just so that
I'll quote them in an opener. This one from Steve in Lindenhurst, New
York (regarding the Style Invitational piece) really had me LOL:

    [...] The first quotation (about going to hell), BTW, was
    originally father to son, rather than brother to brother.

    (Wish I could think of something funny to say so you could
    quote me in the next opener.)

    Regards,
    Steve

Trust me, Steve -- after reading 12,512 copies of "You shouldn't post
copyrighted material without proper credit" (the remaining 80 or so
were less critical of my lack of clairvoyance), THAT was funny.

</announcements>

Speaking of people who find creative methods of getting their
comments posted in Collage openers, Shane in Basel, Switzerland, had
this comment to make in response to my statement in Collage 390 that
I did not have time to write up an opener:

    Hey Vince:

    ...in that case go with the opener -- I love your collages
    and the main reason is because of your openers. :-)

    Jokes are jokes but original humour kicks a**.

    Keep up the good work,
    Shane

Shane is correct: I can't do too many serial Collages without openers,
or you might as well just go subscribe to One Of Those OTHER Humour
Lists (yes, they're out there, but none of THEM has been approved by
the IETF, the IANA, the ASPCA, the NAACP, and the RMXRA, have they?),
and we can't have *that* happening, right? After all, it'd foil my
plans for world domination.

So, I have enlisted the services of a few Guest Moderators from whom
we might be hearing from time to time. (Sorry, this is not a
solicitation, unless you have already paid your Guest Moderator
Application Fee(tm) and filled out the necessary paperwork -- which
is available at any government office.) (I did say *any* government
office.)

One of those in the lineup is Pastor Rus, also known as the Official
HumourNet List Chaplain. Rus has promised to put together a series of
"Sunday Morning Bloopers" for an upcoming God Collage. However, he's
been promising this since last October. With this opener, I hope to
finally guilt (scare?) him into sitting down and making good on that
promise.

In the meantime, you're stuck with me -- and *my* version of the
Sunday Morning Bloopers. This is a little long, but should make
amends for any cases of "Opener Neglect" out there.

"The Last Sacrament"
By Vince Sabio
HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
<http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/>

For this, we rewind the Great Video of Life to the year 1972 ...

That was the year in which I received my Confirmation. Even then, at
the tender age of ten, the roots of my agnosticism were taking hold,
and my participation in the Confirmation ritual was more to satisfy
my parents than to receive a another sacrament. After all, I had
already received Last Rites (within 24 hours of birth -- hence the
justification for my brash and irreverent approach to life), so
anything else was just backfill.

I really wasn't the most devout Confirmation candidate. On a test
just prior to the Great Ritual, I'd stated the seven sacraments as
"baptism, circumcision, communion, confirmation, marriage, divorce,
and last rites." (Had I been a little smarter, I'd have realized that
"marriage" and "last rites" were the same thing.)

It's a wonder that The Nuns didn't chain me to a wall in The Basement.
I've no doubt that they had OTHER children chained up down there; I
could often hear their screams as I walked down the hall to my Sunday
School classroom. I think that The Nuns simply feared me, referred to
me as "Lucifer" behind closed doors, and hoped that I would just go
away forever once I received Confirmation.

They were correct about the "going away" part. Moreover, I'd already
vetted this plan with my parents; their response was, "Just complete
your Confirmation; you can do whatever you like [i.e., stop attending
church] after that." For all I know, they'd even warned The Nuns to
just "sit tight until after Confirmation, and then you won't have to
worry about upgrading the shackles in The Basement to hold him."

And so, we arrived at The Big Day. The Confirmation Mass, itself, was
being held in the "Parish Hall." Now, this warrants some description:
Imagine a huge gymnasium-looking hall with cinderblock walls, row
upon row of folding chairs on the floor, an impressive array of pull-
out bleachers along the rear wall, and a two-story-high dead guy
nailed to the front of the hall. (Do they do this just to frighten
the kids? I'll have them know that it works.)

The Plan(tm) was that the Confirmees would fill the chairs on the
floor -- girls in the group on the left, boys in the group on the
right -- and the parents would lend their approval from the bleachers.

So far, so good. My parents left me in the capable hands of The Nuns
-- assuming that I was, at that point, committed to going through with
this -- and headed down to the Parish Hall to be seated with the other
proud parents.

Meanwhile, The Nuns had come up with a Diabolical Plan: They would
select two Confirmees -- a boy and a girl -- to go up to the front
of the Parish (on cue) and read from the Bible.

For this, they needed two children who were sufficiently, um,
"outspoken" that they wouldn't choke when faced with 500 (I kid you
not) other children and roughly 1000 parents.

I was standing in the lineup, minding my own business and awaiting my
fate, when I heard my name called ... "Vincent Sabio? Please step
forward."

"Uh-oh. I'm *really* in trouble now."

The Nuns explained their Diabolical Plan to me and the girl that
they selected: At their cue, we were to stand up, walk to the
*outside* of our rows (which meant that she and I would be walking
in opposite directions), and then go up front to join His Holiness,
The Guy With The Pointy Hat (a.k.a. the Bishop), who will introduce
us. At that point, we will flip to the passages marked for us, each
read her or his passage (girls before boys), and then return to our
seats.

Sounded simple enough. Heck, I was just relieved that I wasn't headed
for The Basement.

And so 500 children filed down to the Parish Hall to be Confirmed.

As it turned out, I was seated near the center aisle, which meant that
I would have to squeeze past most of the row of boys to my right when
it came time for my fifteen minutes of Sacramental Fame.

I waited. The Guy With The Pointy Hat read from the Bible. He made
strange sounds. He sat. He stood. I waited. Still no cue from The
Nuns. He spoke some more. He read some more. Still I waited. The hours
passed. Days passed. Leaves fell from trees.

And finally, it came -- the cue from The Nuns! It's *SSSSSHOWTIME*.

We now cut to the ParentCam, and view this through the eyes of two
people who know that their young son is already showing signs of,
well, not exactly growing up to be the most pious of citizens. This
is difficult for your typical Italian family to grasp, mind you --
but, in this case, they were simply happy that I was actually going
through with the Confirmation.

Or was I?

Suddenly, in the middle of the Mass, they saw me stand up. Step by
agonizing step, I worked my way down the row toward ... what was that
at the end of the row ... ?

THE EXIT DOORS!

Their first thought was, "Omigosh, he's LEAVING!" How will we ever
explain this? Worse still, what will we say when the other parents
start pointing and saying, "Hey, whose kid is THAT?" (My parents,
being pretty quick, probably would have joined in: "Can you believe
it? That kid just got up and walked out! I'll bet his parents are
mortified....")

I finally made my way to the end of the row. But, rather than continue
to the right and through the exit doors, I did something even worse --
I turned and walked to the front of the Parish Hall ...

"OMIGOD, HE'S NOT SIMPLY WALKING OUT -- HE'S GOING TO *ANNOUNCE* THAT
HE'S LEAVING!"

My parents aged a good deal that day. In fact, I'm just lucky that
there were no precedents in the courts at that time for parents suing
their own children; I'd *still* be working off the judgment against
me.

They finally realized, when The Guy With The Pointy Hat introduced
the two of us (at that point, they'd noticed that there was a girl
involved in this, too), that this was a *planned* event. I've no
doubt that there was some residual concern as to exactly WHAT was
going to come from my mouth when I read my passage, though.

At which point, we cut back to me ...

The Nuns had given us each a slip of paper with the passage from the
Bible that we were to read. It was written in Standard Biblical
Hieroglyphics -- you know, "Luke 5:33." Except that I had no *clue*
what "Luke 5:33" meant. I did, however, recall The Nuns telling us
that our sections would be marked in The Bible.

Well, that should be simple enough ... the girl's section is marked,
and my section is marked. Since she just read her passage, my section
must be the one that isn't currently open.

I looked at The Bible.

It was *huge*. It was high -- I had to stand on my toes just to see
it. I looked closely for something resembling a marker ...

There were approximately 237 markers in The Bible that day. It looked
as if they had marked everything with a page number.

This was ridiculous. After all, it's not like The Guy With The Pointy
Hat couldn't find his place if he needed to; he must read these things
all the time. I, in contrast, was a virtual newbie to this whole Bible
reading thing.

I was completely at a loss. But no bother -- one good quote from the
Bible is as rewarding as any other, right?

I picked a marker at random. Casually flipping to it, I decided that
I would read a few paragraphs and then act like I was finished --
after all, by that point, I might very well be.

I started reading a passage. For all I knew, it might have been
Revelation. In retrospect, I could only hope that it was the passage
that The Guy With The Pointy Hat was planning to read next -- it would
have served him right for presenting me with such a confusing task.

I finished reading, thanked everyone for their attention (after all,
they were clapping in that "aren't they just *adorable*?" manner that
is characteristic of parents at events such as these) and returned to
my seat.

Later in the service, we were called, row by row, to the front of the
Hall to be Confirmed. Kneeling before the two-story-high person who
was nailed to the wall, The Guy With The Pointy Hat stepped before
each of us in turn and asked us a specific question in some foreign
language (most likely Latin, though it could just as easily have been
French or German or Fortran for all I knew), and awaited the standard
response that The Nuns had drilled into each of us.

Except that, when my turn came, I looked up at The Guy With The Pointy
Hat, and realized that he probably hadn't liked my Biblical selection
very much -- he looked as if he was going to damn me to burn in Hell
for an eternity right there in front of 500 other kids.

My mind went immediately and totally blank; I forgot The Standard
Reply that we had rehearsed for weeks in preparation for our moments
of passage.

I quickly searched my memory for the proper phrase, but it was
hopeless. I looked up at His Holiness and managed to squeak out,
"Yes, sir." What the heck -- he'd asked me a question, I might as
well agree to whatever it was.

He repeated something back to me in that same foreign language. It
probably was a curse or an excommunication of some sort. I didn't
care. I returned to my seat, and quietly vowed to never set foot
inside a church ever again. I've no doubt that The Nuns would have
been relieved if they could have heard it; they'd probably have asked
for it in writing.

When the service was over, I found my parents and left as quickly as
I could. They wanted to introduce me to everyone: "Yes, this is the
boy that they selected to read from the Bible" and all that. I wanted
none of it; I was no longer interested in fame.

I just wanted out of there before The Nuns changed their minds about
those shackles in The Basement ...

Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio, HumourNet Communications Ltd.
All Rights Reserved; permission is hereby granted to forward or post
"Hyperbolic God," provided that the by-line (above) and this copyright
statement are included.

(Well, the spectre of another one of THOSE stories should get Pastor
Rus off his butt and writing his own opener. <g>)

And so we come to Collage 391, dedicated to -- you guessed it --
religious humour ...

Tanya in Redwood City, California, starts us off with "Those Damned
Catholics";

Yvonne in Arlington, Virginia, sends a triple-header: "When Life
Begins," "Passing Judgment," and "Perspective";

Karen P. in Colorado Springs, Colorado, brings us "Breaking With
Tradition";

Lenore in Virginia Beach, Virginia, contributes "The Verge";

John W. in Blacksburg, Virginia, takes credit for his "Messages From
God";

Lorraine in Katy, Texas, sends along the "The Survival Guide To
Boring Sermons" (Rus, you might notice several tricks in there that
your parishioners are using);

and Jeff R. in London, U.K., submits the piece, "At Least He Got
Some Nice Presents."

As always, a huge thanks to our contributors! (One of these days,
I'm going to leave that out, just to see if everyone is paying
attention. ;-)

Go in peace ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator

____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Those Damned Catholics

A man died and went up to Heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by
St. Peter himself, who took the man by his hand and led him inside.
They started walking down hallways in order to reach their
destination -- the place where the man would enjoy himself until
eternity.

They walked through one hallway, and the man heard singing and
clapping and many loud exclamations of "Hallelujah!" He looked
inquiringly at St. Peter, who said "The Baptists."

In another hallway, he heard the voices of many people, raised in
joyful song, accompanied by a booming organ. St. Peter told him,
"The Lutherans."

They passed through many hallways and many religions. They heard the
chants of the Moslems and the Hindus, the silence of the Buddhists,
and singing and praying from many other sects and religions.

Finally, they reached a large wooden door. St. Peter put a finger to
his lips and whispered, "At this point, you must be deathly quiet.
Please take off your shoes and tiptoe noiselessly." The two tiptoed
through a silent hallway. After passing through another large wooden
door, St. Peter motioned that they could once again talk in normal
tones, and they both put their shoes back on.

"What was _that_?" inquired the man.

"Damned Catholics," said St. Peter. "They think they're the only ones
up here."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: When Life Begins

A minister, a priest and a rabbi were discussing when life begins.
"Those of my faith," said the minister, "believe that life starts
when the heart starts to beat."

"We take a bit of a different view," said the priest, "in that we
believe life starts at the moment of conception."

"Well," said the rabbi, "it is _our_ belief that life starts when
the kids move out and the dog dies."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Passing Judgment

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to
a priest. The man's tie was stained, his collar was plastered with
red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his
torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a
few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked,
"Shay, Father, what caushes arthritish?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked
women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

Having second thoughts about his abrupt manner, the priest nudged
the drunk and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on
so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"Oh, I don't have it, Father. I was jusht reading here that the Pope
does."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Perspective

This couple had a really terrible little kid, Johnny. He was always
fighting and cussing and getting in trouble at school. Finally he
was expelled from public school, so the parents decided to try
private school. They enrolled him in a private boys' school that was
supposed to be wonderful.

Within a week, little Johnny is expelled. The father is so upset he
says, "That does it he's going to military school -- they should be
able to discipline him there!"

Within a week at military school, Johnny is expelled once more.

The only thing left to try is parochial school. The parents take him
to the Catholic school and hope for the best. A week goes by and
there are no problems. The parents are pleased but still wary.
Another week goes by and still no trouble. The parents are happy but
still waiting for the inevitable. More time passes and Johnny gets a
report card on which the nuns have given him good marks for his
behavior.

Johnny's parents are floored. They call him into the room to see
what caused this change. "Do you really like Catholic school?" asks
the mother.

"No," replies little Johnny.

"Then what has caused this turnaround in your behavior?" inquires
his father.

"Well," says Johnny, "on the first day they lined us up and took us
into a big room. Inside, there was a man nailed to a cross. I knew I
had better behave because these guys meant business!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Breaking With Tradition

A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding.
When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional
service, they opted for the contemporary version.

On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate
route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his
pants legs to keep his trousers dry. When he finally reached the
church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the
altar, just as the ceremony was starting.

The pastor glanced over at the groom. "Pull down your pants, son,"
whispered the pastor.

The groom was shocked. "Uh, Reverend, I think I've changed my mind,"
he whispered back, "I'd rather have the traditional service."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Verge

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus's mother's
name?"

One child answered "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus's father's name was?"

A little kid said "The Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about The
Verge 'n' Mary."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Messages From God

On my way to work I saw a local Baptist Church marquee that read:
"May every new year find you a better man."

My current pastor claims to have seen the following on Mothers' Day:
"Have a nice day, all you mothers."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Survival Guide to Boring Sermons

Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.

See if a yawn really is contagious.

Slap your neighbor. See if he turns the other cheek. If not, raise
your hand and tell the priest/preacher.

Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs.

Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B
and so on through the alphabet.

Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews
ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for
every marble that made it to the front.

Using church notice sheets or newcomers cards for raw materials,
design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes..

Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to
the front, under the pews, without being noticed..

Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the lavatory.

Chew gum; if the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start
blowing bubbles.

Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone.

By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your
shirt around backwards..

Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice.

Practice smiling insincerely.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: At Least He Got Some Nice Presents

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.

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</collage391>


************************

Subject:     Collage 392: The Day of the Joker
Date:        4/1/1998 1:28 AM
Received:    4/1/1998 7:34 AM
From:        HumourNet
To:          The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour

Collage 392              H u m o u r N e t              01 Apr 1998

<announcements>

Due to the rising cost of e-mail and the suspicious lack of unsubs
recently, I am considering increasing the unsubscription fee from
US$5.00 to US$35.00.

Either that, or I might have John Mozena guest moderate again; the
unsubscription fees from his last round in the driver's seat nearly
covered the entire R&D costs for HumourNet's geosynchronous
communications satellite program.

I'm still tossed up whether it'll be a fee increase or John Mozena.

Remember, HumourNet is still -- and will always be -- entirely free
to *join*, and there are no fees whatsoever for remaining on the
list. The only time that you will ever encounter *ANY* fees
whatsoever from this list is if you decide to unsubscribe.

If you are unfamiliar with the unsubscription fee, please refer to
the Welcome message you received when you joined the list. If you
lost your Welcome message, then send the command "get humournet hello"
(without the quotes) to the list server: <lyris&#64;lyris.net>. A new
Welcome message will be returned to you. (There is a $0.50 fee for
this service.)

</announcements>

Meanwhile, many of you are looking at the dateline on this Collage,
and recalling the joke that I played on the list one year ago today,
in Collage 345. Well, you can rest assured that I would never dream
of doing something like that a second time -- after all, that's just
what you'd be *expecting* me to do.

No, I've decided to mess with a *different* mailing list of mine
this year ... <grin>

In the meantime, we have some great practical-joke ideas from the
audience:

Paul in Champlin, Minnesota, starts this one off with "Malpractice";

Mark B., purportedly an educator in the United Kingdom <g>, brings
us a pedagogical double header with "We'd Get Sued For This Today"
and "We'd Get Sued, Take 2";

Pastor Rus, HumourNet's very own Official List Chaplain, reveals his
Dark Side with "We'd Get Sued, Take 3";

Shawn King, moderator of our high-successful-until-the-lawsuits-start
"sister list," Bawdy.Net, brings us another double header with "We'd
Get Sued, Take 4" and "Fun With The Intellectual Proletariat";

JD in NJ -- one of the "Fab Five" original HumourNetters, and an all-
around great guy -- takes credit for contributing some "Good, Clean
Fun";

Jeff in San Jose, California, provides instructions for "Becoming a
Homicide Victim";

Mark D. in London, England, sends along "Call Us If You Don't Receive
This Message";

Matt in Hollywood, Florida, accepts kudos for the first installment
of "We'd Get Sued For These, Too";

and Randy Cassingham, author of "This is True" (see your Welcome
message for subscription instructions), brings us an piece that has
become an annual event, despite making its first appearance on
HumourNet today: "The Annual Internet Cleaning."

It's another "Practical Jokes" Collage, with the usual thanks going
out to our resident practical jokers.

Enjoy! And watch out for those jokes ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator

____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Malpractice

Here's a practical joke someone pulled here at the University of
Minnesota. "Boynton" is the campus health service ...

    "Well I put rubber cement on my chest to affix coffee grounds
    for the appearance of chest hair. And I am just wondering if
    you know of a solvent to get it off? I thought I could just
    rub it -- but it's not working."

    -- Norman, to the Boynton Health Nurse over the phone

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: We'd Get Sued For This Today
Apparently by C. Hargrave

Thought I would share the (maybe true) tale from my head. A few
years ago, [they] lined up the whole school by the medical room for
an "injection." The children were then sent into the room one by
one. They argued and were not at all happy about going in. Phone
calls to parents were not allowed.  Once in the room, the children
saw a board with a note, reading:

"Please scream loudly! April Fool!"

They would then exit by the other door and listen to the others
trying to get out of going in!

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

SUBJ: We'd Get Sued, Take 2

We also sent one to ask for 3m of fallopian tubing from the science
prep room. After a short while he came back looking really pleased
with a length of plastic piping that they had given him.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: We'd Get Sued, Take 3

For Wedding Receptions:

Collect a lot of keys from the wedding party/friends WITHOUT the
bride and groom's knowledge. Pass them out to as many women as
possible (swearing them to secrecy). During your speech, announce
the "The bride realizes that the groom has had a lot of girlfriends
over the years. She would appreciate it if any of them who have keys
to his place could please return them."

This is the cue for all the women to bring their keys to the wedding
party table. Try to get a couple of pregnant women in the group and
maybe somebody's grandma.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: We'd Get Sued, Take 4

Possibly by Kevin Klop

I was part of an OS Enhancements group that was building a multi-CPU
testing system. A large number of 300-meg removable disk pack drives
were shared between two CPUs.

As part of our work, we did what are commonly called "Thrash Tests"
wherein you seek back and forth between the outermost cylinder and
the innermost cylinder.

Remember that these are VERY quick drives, and that the heads build
up an hellacious amount of momentum.

There was also a night operator that was:

  a) Universally disliked

  b) Knew almost nothing about computers except how to follow a
     checklist.

We set up a timed job to run at midnight, just about the time this
operator would be starting his backups.

Along comes midnight, and suddenly all the disk drives in the
computer room start thrashing angrily "Chugachugachugachuga," and
rocking back and forth. Eventually they started walking themselves
along the floor.

At the same time, on the operator's console, the screen blanks, and
the following words appear, centered, on the display:

                       "I'm coming to get you."

The operator quit the next day.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Fun With The Intellectual Proletariat

Several years ago, on April Fool's Day, one of the local radio
stations announced that the Shuttle had landed in Vancouver.

[Editor's Note: One of the well-known alternate landing sites for
the Shuttle outside the U.S. ;-) </vs>]

About 1000 people showed up.

It gets better: One guy got [angry] at the radio station because
he got fired!

He told his boss he was going out to the airport to see the Shuttle.

His boss, not exactly a rocket scientist himself, said, "I don't
care if it's landing or not. You go, you're fired." The [idiot] boss
didn't even get the joke!

I was driving somewhere that morning and I heard the "report" of the
Shuttle having to make an emergency landing. I thought, "Ha ha. Very
funny. No one's stupid enough to fall for that."

Sadly, I was mistaken by about a thousand.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Good, Clean Fun

Want to have some fun in the dorm shower? Try this:

Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really
loudly, exclaiming, "Hey! I didn't know I had one of *those*!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Becoming a Homicide Victim

Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if
some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and say,
"Okay, is everybody ready to start now?"

[Editor's Note: The tricky part is that "judge at the Olympics"
step. Once you've got that, I'll bet that the rest of the joke is
pretty easy. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Call Us If You Don't Receive This Message

A friend of mine has a nice little scam which he pulls each year on
the 1st April.

He quite often sends people jokes and the like in the form of two
messages -- the first is a question and the second is the answer.
Well, often the answer arrives before the question, so he puts some
text in the answer to tell the readers to not open the message until
they get the question.

On April 1 each year he sends out a message with the subject "Joke
answer: Do not open until you have read the question!" but never
actually sends out the question. Further, he requests a receipt
which is sent automatically when they open the message. This
provides him with a rather neat way of keeping score of how wise
people are. The ones who open it straight away are the savvy ones --
they know that it's a scam and do not wait. The ones who wait a few
days before opening it tend to be a little more embarrassed. But you
would be surprised to hear of the number of people who mail him
weeks later, irately demanding that he send the question again since
they do not want to open the answer until they get the question!

[Editor's Note: I'm not sure if this is a test of savvy or
integrity. ;-) Amusing, nonetheless ... </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: We'd Get Sued For These, Too

Here's a few practical jokes we pulled at my college (Clearwater
Christian College, in Clearwater, Florida) ...

1) Jim came up with the idea of unscrewing the shower heads and
filling them with the contents of a packet of hot chocolate. (Also
works well with coffee and/or tea bags.)

2) Right before room inspections, Jim also discovered that if
he took an EMPTY (large and preferably Lay's) bag of potato chips,
filled it with shaving cream, slid the open end under the victim's
door, then stomped hard on the other end, pieces of chips and
shaving cream would cover everything. [If anyone attempts to repeat
this, place one foot on the back end of the bag BEFORE you stomp;
otherwise you may blow everything all over yourself, the hall,
etc...]

3) My personal favorite was the old Saran-Wrap the commode. Would do
that 2 or 3 days in a row. After every one was aware what was going
on, and was checking for saran wrap, I'd quit. All were looking for
Saran Wrap, and _nothing_ else. So then, my prank begins: I would
take 2 McDonald's ketchup (and/or mustard, mayo, Taco Bell sauce,
etc...) packages and carefully cut off ONE corner of each so that
there was barely a pinhole-sized opening [slightly larger opening
required with lumpy taco and relish sauces]. Then I'd put one of
these packages under each of the front "feet" of the toilet seats,
hole pointing BACK and IN. Amazingly foul language could be elicited
from "Christian" college students 8^)

[Editor's Note: Matt actually has quite a collection of these; I'll
save the rest for future "Practical Jokes" Collages. Stay tuned!
</vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Annual Internet Cleaning

It's that time again!

As many of you know, each year the Internet must be shut down for 24
hours in order to allow us to clean it. The cleaning process, which
eliminates dead email and inactive ftp, www and gopher sites, allows
for a better working and faster Internet.

This year, the cleaning process will take place from 12:01 a.m.. GMT
on April 1 until 12:01 a.m. GMT on April 2 (the time least likely to
interfere with ongoing work). During that 24-hour period, five
powerful Internet search engines situated around the world will
search the Internet and delete any data that they find.

In order to protect your valuable data from deletion we ask that you
do the following:

    1. Disconnect all terminals and local area networks from
    their Internet connections.

    2. Shut down all Internet servers, or disconnect them from
    the Internet.

    3. Disconnect all disks and hard drives from any connections
    to the Internet.

    4. Refrain from connecting any computer to the Internet in
    any way.

We understand the inconvenience that this may cause some Internet
users, and we apologize. However, we are certain that any
inconveniences will be more than made up for by the increased speed
and efficiency of the Internet, once it has been cleared of
electronic flotsam and jetsam.

We thank you for your cooperation.

Kim Dereksen
Network Information Center
Network Solutions, Inc.
Reston, Virginia
<http://www.internic.net/>

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</collage392>


************************

Subject:     Collage 393: The Pastor Speaks
Date:        4/12/1998 3:03 PM
Received:    4/12/1998 4:02 PM
From:        HumourNet
To:          The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour

Collage 393              H u m o u r N e t              12 Apr 1998

<announcements>

First, an apology for Collage 392: When I set about creating an April
Fools Day Collage, I checked my "practical jokes" files, and found
an entire Collage's worth of pretty good April Fools-quality humour
-- already formatted and everything!

Little did I realize that I'd simply forgotten to delete the raw
file from LAST YEAR'S April Fools Collage. *sigh* A good number of
you caught me on that one right away. I wish I could say that it was
just another April Fools Joke -- but it was actually just the
moderator fooling himself. At least I fooled *someone* this year.

Well, I actually fooled quite a number of people ... It never fails
to amaze me how many long-time subscribers can be routinely taken in
by the "unsubscription fee" ruse. This year's Unsubscription Fee
Collage (toward the end of the year) promises to be a real winner.

However, this opener is more of a follow-up to Collage 391 than 392.
You might recall my attempt in Collage 391 to guilt Pastor Rus,
HumourNet's Official List Chaplain, into finally writing his opener
for the list.

Well, it worked. I usually don't run "God Collages" (i.e., religious
humour) nearly back to back, but since Rus has been such a commendable
chaplain, I'm somewhat compelled (euphemism for "contractually
obligated") to run his material right away. Plus, depending upon your
religious persuasion, it's either Passover or Easter this weekend.
(It's neither for me, as I'm not easily persuaded. ;-)

A quick introduction for Rus: Along with being a full-time pastor for
the Gananda Community Church right outside Rochester, New York, Rus is
also my moderator for the net.humour.religion newsgroup on Usenet II
(see <http://www.usenet2.org/> for more info on Usenet II). In
addition to Rus's duties as HumourNet's Official List Chaplain, he's
also the official "THIS is TRUE" pastor for Randy Cassingham's list
<http://www.thisistrue.com/>. Rus recently released a book entitled,
"A Window Of Grace." And if he ever manages to move off his butt <g>,
Rus also has another book in the works -- this one on (you guessed
it!) religious humour.

And so, without further ado, may I introduce you to Rus Jeffrey, the
Official HumourNet List Chaplain, in the cyberflesh ...

</announcements>

Well, as Vince says, it worked. After reading the opener for Collage
391, I quickly repented and headed straight for my computer to write
an opener. Of course I'm still trying to get a mental image of Vince
actually *reading* the Bible. Who knows, it may even cause
nightmares of some sort.

So here I am, Pastor Rus, finally writing a Guest Moderator piece. As
you read in Collage 391, I've been planning/promising to do this
since October. But the life of a pastor can be pretty full with
tending to the flock and stuff like that. Not to mention the great
demands on my time in the role as "Official HumourNet Chaplain." Hey,
Vince can be a handful at times.

We start off with the question, "Does God have a sense of humor?"
Well, I *certainly* hope so! After all, He did call a guy like me
into ministry. Recently our Praise Band was talking about God and
humor before a service on Sunday. Our keyboard player pointed to
Psalm 2 -- "Heaven-throned God breaks out laughing." (The Message)
Many times I'm sure He looks at me and breaks out laughing. How many
times? Let me describe what we here at HQ HumourNet refer to as
"Sunday Morning Bloopers(tMS)" ...

Let's start with the proverbial slip of the lip. One Sunday morning,
while illustrating the scene of Jesus praying just before His death,
I described three disciples who kept falling asleep when they were
supposed to be praying. They had a case of what I call the "praying
nods." In the midst of the description I said, "Jesus went over to
them, kicked them in the side saying 'Wake up! The flesh is willing
but the spirit is weak!'" Some of the more alert Bible readers in the
congregation were quick to let me know after the service that I had
that backward.

Then there was the day I was preaching about "sexual immorality" from
one of the Apostle Paul's letters. I didn't spend a lot of time on
the subject -- and it's probably a good thing, too. After the
service, a man came up beside me, saying, "So preacher ... was that a
little wishful thinking on your behalf today?"

Looking rather confused I responded, "What are you talking about?"

"It's this way," he explained, "every time you meant to say 'sexual
immorality' you actually said 'sexual immortality.'"

Now I know why all those little old gray-haired ladies looked so
shocked!

0=:-o

Last, but certainly not least, I'll never forget one funeral message
from a few years ago.

The man had lived a long life. I knew his son because he and his
family attended the church. I'd met his dad only once. These are
difficult funerals to do because it's hard to know exactly what to
say. So, when in doubt, I do what any other pastor does when faced
with such a situation: I preached from that great Byrds song, "Turn,
Turn, Turn." You know the one -- come on now, let's all sing it
together:

    For everything, turn, turn, turn,
    There is a season, turn, turn, turn.
    A time to mourn, a time to laugh ...

Well, you get the picture. 

Turning to Ecclesiastes 3, I started with words of encouragement,
telling those gathered that life is full of seasons. It was a moving
message and there wasn't a dry eye in the house. Then, coming to the
end of the message I asked the question, "How does one sum up life
from Solomon's words here in Ecclesiastes?"

Preparing to paraphrase Solomon's conclusion at the end of the book
by saying "Live life for God," the entire family (who attended the
church I was appointed to) started laughing! It was all I could do to
keep a straight face. I *knew* what they were thinking: Just a few
weeks prior to the funeral, I'd asked the same question in a Sunday
morning message and that's what they were remembering.

But the version I'd used then was: "Life sucks and then you die."

So, there you have it -- Part One of "Sunday Morning Bloopers(tMS)."
There may be more installments to follow; I guess it all depends on
how much guilt, or how many scare tactics, Vince uses on me in the
future.

[Editor's Comment: Or how much we make on the unsub fees. ;-) </vs>]

Many thanks to our contributors to this Collage:

Cynthia in Denver, Colorado, for "What is Easter?"

Valerie in Mountain View, California, for "Comprehending God."

Rose M. for "Teamwork" (one of Vince's all-time favorites).

Lorraine in Katy, Texas, for "If College Students Had Written The
Bible."

Randy Cassingham in Boulder, Colorado, for "Paybacks Are Hell" and
"Good Deed for the Day."

and Hy in Redundant Beach, California, for an "Audience With The
Pope."

Remember, God does have a sense of humor -- and you can count on this:
Somewhere, sometime and somehow, "Heaven-throned God will break out
laughing." (Psalm 2:4)

Enjoy!

- Pastor Rus
  HumourNet Guest Moderator

____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: What is Easter?

Three intellectually-challenged guys just died and are at the Pearly
Gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates
if they can answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first man, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The man replies, "Oh, that's easy, it's the holiday in November when
everybody gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful..."

"WRONG," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second man the
same question, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The second man replies, "No, Easter is the holiday in December when
we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of
Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second man, shakes his head in disgust, looks
at the third man and asks, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The third man smiles and looks St. Pete in the eye.

"I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that
coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his
disciples were eating at the last supper and He was later deceived
and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans
took Him to be crucified and stabbed Him in the side, made Him wear
a crown of thorns, and hung Him on a cross. He was buried in a
nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder. Every year the
boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if He sees
his shadow there will be six more weeks of winter ..."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Comprehending God

A confused nine-year-old boy goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God
male or female?"

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well God is both
male and female."

This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"

"Well, God is both black and white."

This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"

At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers none the less,

"Honey, God is both gay and straight."

At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he
triumphantly asks...

"Is God Michael Jackson?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Teamwork

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone
bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that
he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray...

"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some
money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the
lotto".

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Joe again prays...

"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house
and I'm going to lose my car as well".

Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.

Once again, he prays...

"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house,
and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you
for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just
let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in
order ... "

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and
Joe is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:

"JOE, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE ... BUY A FREAKING TICKET!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: If College Students Had Written The Bible

Top ten ways the Bible would have been different if it had been
written by college students ...

10. Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips

9. Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are
double-spaced and written in a large font, they look like ten.

8. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't dorm
food.

7. Paul's letters to the Romans become Paul's e-Mail to the Romans.

6. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

5. The place where the end of the world occurs: Not the Plains of
Armageddon, but Finals Week.

4. Book of Armaments would be in there somewhere.

3. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years:
They didn't want to ask directions and look like Freshmen.

2. Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.

1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the
seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due
and then pulled an all-nighter and hoped no one noticed.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Paybacks Are Hell

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane
crash over the Atlantic Ocean. They all arrived the Pearly Gates
together.

"Oh! This is terrible!" exclaimed St. Peter. "I know you guys think
that we summoned you here, but this is just one of those
coincidences that happen. We were going to help all of you land once
you got where you were going." St. Peter was fretting. "Your
quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you in, but we can't send
you back."

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete.
Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't
expecting them and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping
you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days.
I'll owe you one."

Reluctantly, the devil agreed.

Two days later...

"Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns."

"What's wrong?" asked St. Peter.

"Well, this Pope guy is forgiving everybody. This Graham fellow is
saving everybody. And this fella Roberts -- he's raising money to
buy a central air conditioning unit ..."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Audience With The Pope

A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on
seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long queue with a rather
expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and
perhaps talk a few words with him.

As the Pope made his way slowly down the queue, he walked right past
the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then stopped next
to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's
ear, and made his way on again.

This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard,
the American agreed to pay 1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the
hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.

The next morning the American stood in the queue, waiting to see the
Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way
slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned
over to the American and spoke softly into his ear ...

"I thought I told you to get lost."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Good Deed for the Day

A guy is at the Pearly Gates, hoping to be admitted, and St. Peter
says to the guy, "I can't see that you did anything really good in
your life, but you never did anything bad either. I tell you what:
if you can tell me one REALLY good deed that you did, you're in."

So the guy says, "Once I was driving down the road and saw a gang of
bikers assaulting this poor girl. So I pulled over, got out my car,
grabbed a tire iron and walked straight up to the gang's leader -- a
huge ugly guy with a studded leather jacket, bald head but with hair
all over his body, and a chain running from his nose to his ear.

"Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his nose and ear and smashed
him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and,
wielding my tire iron, yelled to the rest of them, 'You leave this
poor, innocent lady alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged
animals! GO HOME BEFORE I TEACH YOU ALL A LESSON IN PAIN!'"

Impressed, St. Peter says, "Really? When did this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago."

********************************************************************
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</collage393>


************************

Subject:     Collage 394: More From The Intellectual Proletariat
Date:        4/27/1998 2:52 AM
Received:    4/27/1998 11:27 AM
From:        HumourNet
To:          The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour

Collage 394              H u m o u r N e t              27 Apr 1998

<announcements>

A few Collages ago, I threatened to bring back John Mozena as a guest
moderator to increase the unsubscription rate and thus bring in more
revenue from the Unsubscription Fees(tMS).

Well, an insufficient number of you unsubscribed, so now the rest of
you are stuck with John. Could be worse, though; you could be stuck
with *me* ...

Anyway, let me welcome John Mozena back for his *second* (oh, how
will he ever survive the embarrassment?) HumourNet Guest Moderator
spot.

Enjoy!

- Vince

</announcements>

Well, you've all gone and done it. Not enough of you unsubscribed
when Vince suggested raising the unsubscription fee, so he has
followed through on his threat to have me guest moderate another
Collage. Strap in and hang on, since you can't get out now.

I suppose I'm at least partly to blame for the scarcity of Collages
these days, as I keep on introducing Vince to new areas of the Net
that contain a lower-than-normal quantity of stupid people. Since he
gets a full dose of stupidity in e-mail from some of the more
intellectually-challenged HumourNetters, in addition to the normal
collection of idiots and fools we all deal with in everyday life
(your mileage may vary if you're employed by a government agency),
poor Vince is always looking for the net.equivalent of fresh air,
unencumbered by the bleatings of idiots, fools and AOLers. (Yes, I
know that's redundant and repetitive.)

You've already gotten one example, when Vince mentioned the Hallowed
Cult of Father Darwin Mailing List. We're almost done digesting (in
some cases literally) the last dose of subscribers, so you'll just
have to figure out on your own how to find it. To quote Larry Niven
and Jerry Pournelle, "Think of it as evolution in action."

Another example is Usenet II <http://www.usenet2.org>, where Vince is
the net.humor Czar. This means he's actually got formal permission to
be an utter bastard in the name of humo[u]r. Unfortunately, this
*does* mean he has to give up his amateur status, but he's looking
forward to the endorsements.

I hear any number of prophylactic manufacturers want to use him as a
poster child, for instance. As a warning of what can happen.

So, in a form of penance for turning Vince's attention away from
HumourNet, I bring you a Stupid People Collage.

I spend my free time taunting stupid people. It's easy work, but the
rewards are endless. (In that sense, it's kinda like being a U.S.
Senator.) Plus, you're never lacking for material -- to misquote
SubGenius icon J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, "You know how dumb the average
person is? Well, by definition, half of 'em are dumber than *that*."

Now, I'm not talking about people who just aren't really bright, but
have some common sense and live their lives in recognition of the
fact that they're just not going to ever shake the King of Sweden's
hand or get a telegram from the Pulitzer committee. I'm talking about
people who might have advanced degrees, but never bother to buckle
their seatbelts or vote in elections. To quote a wise and anonymous
man, "Yes, eat the willfully ignorant. Just use good table manners."

If you ask me (and I know you didn't, but it's your fault for
subscribing to this list and then not unsubscribing when the fees
were nearly raised), environmentalists have it all wrong. The biggest
threat to our world isn't the Raymond Burr-sized hole in the ozone
layer, or internal combustion engines, or nuclear waste or even the
Spice Girls. It's stupidity.

[Editor's Note: *Wrong-O*, John. It's the Spice Girls. </vs>]

Stupidity brought us things like Three Mile Island, Chernobyl,
CFC-laden hair spray cans, Michael Jackson and New Jersey. Stupid
people, in addition to the dumb things they do that are merely
annoying, often rise to positions of power from which they can do
dumb things that screw up stuff for the rest of us who are too smart
to, say, build biological weapons, no matter how much we don't like
somebody. (viz. Jesse Helms and Saddam Hussein)

My point (I have one, I swear) is this: As we laugh at the amusing
antics of the stupid people whose tomfoolery is presented below for
your amusement, just remember that somewhere, there's somebody even
stupider than our heroes below who works for the Department of
Energy, the Department of Defense, NASA, the CIA, the EPA, your
town's Department of Sanitation, your child's school, your grocery
store or your accountant's office. And they're trying to help you or
protect you.

Emigrate now.

Credits for today's Collage:

Capt. Chris P, Colorado Springs, Colorado: "Gravity Sucks"

Don M., Chicago, Illinois: "Genetic Defects"

Barbara C. in Adelphi, Maryland: "Shandong, Sichuan, Syrian -- It's
All The Same Thing"

Steve D. in Ashland, Oregon: "Dream Date for Short Men"

Tim O., Chicago, Illinois: "But He'll Be Making $40 Million a Year
Soon"

Randy Cassingham in Boulder, Colorado: "But The Canadians Have Very
Poor Statistics On Taiwan"

Eric W.: "Physics According to Business Majors"

Ted W. in Cincinnati, Ohio: "Adventures of the 'Clue Unencumbered'"

Art M., Pompton Lakes, New Jersey: "Too Bad We Won The War"

Lori B. in Atlanta, Georgia: "Ca-Ka Jones"

Russ R., Corinth, Texas: "Express Math"

Ed C. in El Cerrito, California: "The Importance of Not Being Heard."

Big round of applause for our contributors! Enjoy ...

- John Mozena
  HumourNet Guest Moderator

____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by John Mozena
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Gravity Sucks

The following story comes from the naval safety center commander,
COMNAVSAFECEN, Rear Admiral F.M. DIRREN JR. The incident involved two
civilians employed by the Navy to maintain the grounds of a naval
base.

While he didn't actually climb out on a limb then saw the limb off
behind him, this grounds keeper did the next best thing and got
pretty much the same results. Properly bedecked with all the required
safety gear, our hero leaned his ladder against the offending limb,
then turned to brief his helper on the precise manner in which he
wanted his ladder tended while he performed this delicate surgery.
That completed, he yanked his chainsaw into consciousness, ("BAR-UUM!
BA-DA-BA-DA! BRUUM! BAR-UUM!") and scrambled up the ladder, trailing
oily-blue smoke and noise behind him as he rose.

Once up there, he checked his clearances, made sure there was no one
standing underneath, checked his goggles, checked his gloves,
adjusted his hardhat, checked his ladder-holder one more time, gave
his saw a couple of anticipatory BAR-RUMM! BA-DA-BA'S, then he draped
it across that big old saggy limb and he commenced to wail.

"RA-OOM! RA-OOM! WRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

MY GOODNESS! He laid into that thing with a vengeance and, before you
knew it, a huge piece of that big old limb that had been hanging down
there -- getting in every body's way -- creaked loudly, groaned some,
broke off and crashed gracefully to the ground below. Just, I must
add, as the rest of the branch -- suddenly unburdened of a great deal
of weight -- went "SPROING!" And snapped smartly back to its
previously near-vertical position. Which is to say that it, more or
less, popped itself out from underneath the guy ... with the chain
saw ... on the ladder. And he found himself, more or less, leaning
against the atmosphere which, at an altitude of twelve feet or so,
offers precious little resistance to guys standing on ladders holding
chainsaws.

Well, the ladder went one way and the tree trimmer went another. And
the ladder-holder? Well, he didn't know which way to go so he just
sort of stood there with his mouth open as the ladder landed next to
him and the tree trimmer landed on top of him.

You know, that ladder holder fits my definition of a true friend --
someone you can always count on to be there for you when you're
looking for a place to crash.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Genetic Defects

My son and his girlfriend were watching the news during the Gulf War.
They were showing a clip of a "Smart Bomb" being released from a
plane and traveling straight into the target with the TV camera in
the nose of the bomb picking up everything right up to the point of
impact. Whereupon, she (a blonde of course) turned to my son and
asked, "I wonder how they get the film back?"

He thought this was pretty funny so he told the story to her mother
and brother later that day. Upon finishing the story, he laughed and
was joined by the mother and brother. The brother then asked, "Well!!
How *do* they get the film back?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Shandong, Sichuan, Syrian -- It's All The Same Thing

One of my college classmates was a Muslim engineer from Syria. A
couple of us decided Nuri was culturally deprived because he'd never
had an Easter basket. (Not surprising since Muslims don't celebrate
Easter.) We weren't deterred by that little factoid and put a big
Easter goodie basket together then looked for someone he didn't know
to deliver it while we were in class.

I knew a Nursing student who had a great body so we decided to
embellish the event by having her dress up as a Playboy version of
the Easter bunny. Needless to say, class attendance was perfect that
day. Diane knocked on the door and asked loudly for Nuri. She stepped
through the door just as he walked up. Poor guy looked like he walked
into a glass wall -- his eyes bulged and jaw dropped. Diane hammed it
up and did a cute presentation of the Easter basket while Nuri
struggled to keep his eyes above her shoulders. She concluded by
saying, "Gee, you don't look at all Chinese."

Nuri looked baffled and replied, "Of course not, I'm Syrian."

When I asked her later where the Chinese question came from, she said
she thought Syria was a province in China.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Dream Date for Short Men

I recently walked into a Subway shop here in Chicago, ready for one
of those 12" meatball sandwiches. The dialog went something like
this...

[Editor's Note: In the spirit of Collage 357, "CL" refers to the
"Clue-Challenged" (ClueLess) individual in the exchange. </vs>]

CL: Can I help you?

Me: How about one of those 12 inch meatball subs.

CL: We only serve 6 inch and foot-long subs.

??????? <resisting the urge to comment on her ignorance> ??????

Me: Okay, how about a foot-long meatball sub then.

After she hands me the sandwich...

[smart-a** mode on]

Me: Wow, that thing must be twice the size of a 6 inch.

CL: Just about.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: But He'll Be Making $40 Million a Year Soon ...

While attending undergrad my cousin took a job as an athletic trainer
for a high school football team.

Notes:
Public School
Public School in Cleveland
Public School in Cleveland on the East Side

Being relatively young, compared to the coaches, the team would
confide their gripes with my cousin. One member of the team
complained that the coach always extended practice 10 minutes longer
than scheduled. My cousin was confused; the coach kept a very tight
schedule and was always on time. My cousin asked the player why he
was upset with the coach.

The player replied, "Coach said the practice would be over at quarter
to six -- but practice never ends until 5:45." My cousin then tried
to explain that quarter to six *is* 5:45. The player replied "Quarter
to six is 25 to six or 5:35." At which point my cousin gave up on the
conversation, not wanting to give a lesson on fractions and time and
measurement.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: But The Canadians Have Very Poor Statistics On Taiwan

I was involved in doing usability testing of a "One Stop Shopping"
for federal statistics Web site that just went public a couple of
weeks ago. (Check it out at <http://www.fedstats.gov/>!) We're
getting user feedback (would love to have some from any of y'all who
try the site), and some of it is hilarious. But this comment from one
gal in Medicine Hat, Canada, took the prize for me. She said:

    Although I found this page interesting, it wasn't really what
    I was expecting, it is just really a regurgitation of
    statistics. But I suppose I can't expect a ton of information
    from a government page. Also, the statistics that I looked at
    only applied to Americans, I am Canadian. This was probably
    the most disappointing thing on this page.

So let me get this straight: A Web site that advertises itself as a
source of *United States Federal statistics* is disappointing because
(a) it only delivers statistics -- not "information" -- and (b) it's
restricted to the U.S.

Wellll, excuuuuse us for living, Ms. Medicine Hat!!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Physics According to Business Majors

Your little story a couple of collages ago about the friend who drove
*real* slow with his new car to save the miles reminded me of an
incident in college. Traveling eastbound on the Ohio Turnpike, just
past Toledo, we drove past a sign that read:

    NEW YORK

    490 Miles
    789 Kilmoeters

    Via Turnpikes

My friend, a man almost done with his undergraduate studies at a Big
Ten university, looked at me and said, "See, that's why I hope we
never go to the Metric System; it'll take so much longer to get to
places."

I hope he never procreates.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Adventures of the "Clue Unencumbered"

I recently refinanced my auto loan to secure a lower interest rate.
It seemed like a good idea at the time.

After spending 20 minute or so with the helpful management-type from
my bank filling out forms, we had all the paperwork done. At this
point, she told me I should walk the pay-off check down to the
original bank so no more interest would accrue. I said that would be
no problem as the bank was only 3 blocks away. She then informed me
that she could submit the copies of the paperwork to her bank to
forward to the original bank, or I could also take these down the
street with me and the whole thing would be finished. I, being an
efficiency-minded kinda guy, told her I'd take the paperwork with me.

<begin stupidity>

I got to the original bank and sat down with their management-type
(and I use the term loosely). The conversation went something like
this:

ME: I want to pay off my auto loan. I have the check from my home
bank and the paperwork for your files.

CL: You can just take the check to one of the tellers, and we don't
need the paperwork. Your bank will send the copies we need to our
corporate office.

ME: Actually, these are the copies that my bank would be sending. i
just brought then with me.

CL: We don't need those papers here.

ME: I know they don't stay at this branch, but they need to be sent
to your corporate office.

CL: Your bank will send the copies our corporate office needs for
filing.

ME: No, no. These are those copies. There aren't any other copies of
these forms to be forwarded. These are they.

CL: But we don't need those here...

ME: YES, I KNOW THAT. I brought the copies with me so they wouldn't
have to be sent. Your corporate office needs these actual pieces of
paper on file. Here they are.

CL: No, your bank will send our corporate office the copies they need
for filing.

ME: I just have to give this check to the teller?

CL: Yes (please note the friendly, oblivious smile on the
Management-Type's face even at this point)

ME: Thank you.

I then kindly paid the teller, received my receipt, and walked back
to my bank to return the forms so they could be forwarded through
several unnecessary stops to the bank I had just left.

So many idiots, so few comets.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Too Bad We Won The War

I swear this is a true story...

While working a T-Shirt booth at a recent car show in Memphis, I
noticed the cash box was very low on singles. I quickly proceeded to
ask a local food vendor next to our booth for some change. Holding up
a $5 bill, I asked, "Do you have 5 singles for a five?"

The lady behind the counter looked up at me with that 'HUH?!?' look.
I asked again ... only to receive that same blank stare.

The guy working the fryer behind her turned around and said, "You
ain't from around here, are ya?"

(He was right about that. I'm from New York, but what in the world
did that have to do with me getting some change?)

He tapped the lady on her shoulder and said, "He means five ones."
"OOh!" she responded and kindly gave me the change.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Ca-Ka Jones

I loved the recent "DUH award" Collage {Collage 157]. The
F-as-in-Frank story reminded me of a time I was working over the
summer break from law school just for a few weeks before my (unpaid)
clerkship started doing gruntwork for a to-be-left-unnamed worldwide
organization that did all kinds of good deeds and had membership all
over the world. The one thing it didn't do well was hire bright
staff.

I was working in the department that was in charge of handling the
membership records, changing names, and addresses, and updating our
files if someone passed away, etc. The person put in charge of me was
easily Level II Stupid.

So one day we get in this change of address card from someone who
obviously (to me anyway) couldn't remember if she had changed her
name with our organization when she married (or divorced, I guess).
So when she wrote her name, she put "Jane Smith (AKA Jones)" -- only
she inadvertently left out the close parenthesis at the end of Jones,
so it was written "(AKA Jones."

Well, there was widespread panic: What did this mean -- CAKA Jones? I
looked at the card and explained what it was -- parenthesis, Also
Known As, her maiden name, and then a failure to write the close
parenthesis.

No one believed me. Supervisors were called over. The Level II DUH
honoree who was in CHARGE of ME was directed by HER supervisor to
actually call this woman to ask what CAKA Jones meant.

I cringed in embarrassment as I listened to this phone call, and I
didn't even have to make it.

Sigh. Amazing more people don't drown in the rain.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

SUBJ: Going By The Book

Then there is the time that I was 12 years old and tried to get a
public library card, and they said I couldn't because I had no
picture ID. When I said I was TWELVE and therefore could NOT have a
picture ID, they said a credit card bill or tax bill would suffice. I
had some mail and magazines addressed to me, and my bus pass with my
address, but this was not enough. Finally my Dad wrote a letter
swearing I was who I said I was, and that he was my legal and
biological father, and they should issue me a library card before I
resort to a life of crime by stealing books.

And they wonder why kids don't read more.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Express Math

I have no idea which level of stupidity this woman fits into, so I'm
not even going to guess. It's important to remember that this a true
story ...

I was in an unspecified grocery store a few months ago and saw a
short middle-aged woman with a heaping cart, full of one of
everything in the store, walk up to the express lane, which is 1 to
15 items only[1]. She walks up and stands under the sign, leans over
to look up and read it, then looks down at her basket, as though she
were counting. She then looks at the sign again, then at the basket.
Sign ... Basket. I suppose she finished counting everything in the
cart, as she kind of walked off toward the aisles again.

The thing is, the express lane was closed.

[1] Come to think of it, the sign actually reads "1 to 15 items or
less only."

[Editor's Note: She was probably trying to decide if she had less
than 1 to 15 items ... </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Importance of Not Being Heard

When I was in college at UC Berkeley, I clerked at a liquor store in
South Berkeley. It was prom season, so we were alert for eighteen-
year-olds trying to pass themselves off as twenty-one-year-olds. This
young, gentlemen entered (I immediately thought "seventeen"), his
hair all gooped up, his ruffled prom shirt on, and he selected two
bottles of champagne.

He noticed my tee shirt and asked, "UCSB. Do you go there?"

I replied, "No, my brother gave it to me."

His comment: "I'm going there next year!"

********************************************************************
 Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy of the rest of us.
********************************************************************

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</collage394>


************************

Subject:     Collage 395: We're Baaaack!!!
Date:        6/7/1998 2:35 PM
Received:    6/7/1998 3:26 PM
From:        HumourNet
To:          The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour

Collage 395              H u m o u r N e t              07 Jun 1998

<announcements>

I am proud to announce that HumourNet now has an ASSISTANT LISTMOM
(that is, a "list manager") to help me manage the user side of the
list. The new guy is hardly new -- his name is Marc Wolfe, and he
hails from the records management (RECMGT) mailing list. (Few
mailing lists have descriptions that sound even HALF as boring as
"records management" -- but at least they seem to be aware of this
fact.)

Marc has a good deal of list management experience, a good sense of
humour, a sharp wit, a Swiss bank account, and an ability to extort
money from unsuspecting newbies. Thus, he was eminently qualified
for the position. Let's give Marc a welcoming round of applause ...

<applause>
Okay, that's enough.
</applause>

So, if you have any questions or problems with your subscription,
please be sure to send your message to <humournet-owner&#64;lyris.net>,
*NOT* to the old "listmom" address that is shown in your Welcome
message. (The Welcome message has now been updated to reflect the
new information.) Your message will be distributed to both Listmoms,
who will collect the appropriate fees from you, will continue to just
generally embezzle the entire organization, and will eventually flee
the country with hundreds of millions of dollars in illicit cash
acquired through bogus fees and money laundering.

Hey, at least we're honest about it.

You can get a copy of the updated Welcome message (it contains
several other modifications, as well) by sending:

get humournet hello

... in the subject OR body of a message to the Lyris list server:

lyris&#64;lyris.net

NOTE THAT CONTRIBUTIONS ARE STILL SENT TO <HumourNet&#64;lyris.net>!!
Do *not* send contributions to the new address; they will be
ignored, along with all the other mail sent there. ;-)

</announcements>

We're baaaaaack!!

And what a vacation it was! John Mozena's opener in Collage 394
(27 April 98) generated so many unsubscribes that I was able to take
a month-long trip to Tahiti. Would have been longer, but the e-mail
started backing up.

Okay, I've actually been VERY busy for the past few weeks, and have
not had time to put together a Collage. (I feel very strongly that
quality counts for more than quantity. Yes, our quality is low, but
at least it's THERE, which is more than can be said for the rest of
the Internet these days.) (Whoops! Except for www.thisistrue.com,
www.amused.com, www.topfive.com, www.jokeaday.com, www.oraclehumor.com,
and several others who will probably murder me shortly for forgetting
to include them.)

Nevertheless, there have been some significant changes around here
since we last spoke -- not least of which is that my trusty 1990
Subaru Legacy upped and died on me after 220,000 nearly-maintenance-
free miles. I had all forms of insurance coverage for the car --
but, unfortunately, *life* insurance was not one of them. I am now
relegated to car shopping (and didn't even have time for THAT until
more than two weeks had passed following the Official Auto Burial
ceremony).

Even MORE unfortunately, I made the mistake of test-driving a Land
Rover "Discovery." Do you know how much one those things *COSTS*? WOW!
I will need to collect a *LOT* of unsubscription fees before I can
afford even the official plastic model of the vehicle.

The Land Rover salesmen are great, though: "If you have to bargain,
you probably can't afford it. Please go home, young boy; we're trying
to get work done here."

Okay, so the conversation didn't go EXACTLY like that -- more like
this:

Vince: "Wow, these Discoverys are pretty expen$ive!"

Salesman: "Yes. But they ARE about thirty thousand dollars LESS than
the Range Rovers."

Vince: "So's my house."

Salesman: "But did it come with a six-disc CD changer?"

As you can see, I'm no match for the average car salesman. (Also note
that my original translation was pretty close.)

And while I'm off collecting unsubscription fees to finance this new
endeavor, I'd like to remind everyone that (WARNING: Segue) the
original Unsubscription Fee Debacle(tMS) in Collage 290 also spawned
the HumourNet Benefactor program, whereby you can express your
appreciation for all of the work that goes into the new bi-monthly
Collages ;-) by sending a small (or large) cash donation to "The
Seeing Eye" in Morristown, New Jersey:

            The Seeing Eye, Inc.
            ATTN: Rosemary Carroll
            Washington Valley Road
            Morristown NJ USA 07960

(Be sure to state that the donation is being made in the name of
"HumourNet Communications, Ltd." I'd also appreciate it if you would
please let me know when you make such a contribution to the cause --
but note that I am not interested in the amount of the donation).

Just FYI: The Seeing Eye trains dog guides, which help blind people
lead lives that we sighted people consider "normal" (whatever the heck
THAT is supposed to mean). And since we have several blind subscribers
here on HumourNet, I've decided to do a tribute Collage just for them:
A collection of "blind humour."

Now, before anyone goes totally nonlinear on me, you should all take
note of several key points:

1. My blind subscribers have better senses of humour than many of my
"blindness-impaired" subscribers (as will become painfully evident by
the return mail that I will receive from this Collage).

2. The idea for this came about as a result of some rather amusing
blind humour that was sent to me by one of my blind subscribers.

3. Almost all of the humour in today's Collage was submitted by blind
subscribers -- so if you're unhappy about the theme of the Collage,
then go find a blind person and yell at HIM.

4. The blind subscribers with whom I discussed the concept for a
blind-humour Collage were decidedly in favor of the idea.

5. I really need the unsubscription fees in order to finance the
Discovery I'd like to get. Thus, if you are inclined to kvetch and
moan about the theme of this Collage, please just unsubscribe instead.
You will be making a greatly-appreciated contribution the "Buy Vince
A Cool New Car That He Really Doesn't Need" fund. (Thanks!)

In case you are STILL unconvinced that you will fully appreciate the
theme of this Collage, I would like to bring John Mozena back to
Center Stage for a brief moment (plus, he's always good for those
extra unsubscribes when you really need them). In a discussion we
were having several months ago, John mentioned that there should be
simple tests imposed on HumourNet subscribers to ensure that they
are fully qualified to participate in a specific theme or type of
joke. I'll let John pick up the narrative here ...

    The problem is that there's no stick we can use to weed out
    the lusers. Picture it, though:
    
    "You must be at least this 
    
      --> 
    
    callous to read the following joke."
    
    One can dream.

Well, using John's new metric, you must be at least THIS

                                  -->

callous to read the contents of this Collage. You've been warned.

With that said, let me introduce today's contributors:

Walt S. in Raleigh, North Carolina, starts things off with "The
Adventures of Millicent Quattlebaum" and "Dog Guide Navigation --
Take One";

Mark D. in London, England, follows up with "Dog Guide Navigation
-- Take Two," "Altimeters for the Blind," and "What's Your Name";

Terry G. in Italy brings us "Just Looking Around";

and Pastor Rus in Walworth, New York, finishes up with a likely
urban legend, entitled "More From The Intellectual Proletariat."
(Rus is also HumourNet's Official List Chaplain, and will surely
spend some time in a warm place for his contribution to today's
Collage. ;-)

Speaking of urban legends, Mark in London also brings us piece
which I have decided to name "Beware The Urban Legends"; this
appears as the last piece in the Collage, and is included as an
important public service.

I would like to really, really, sincerely, from the bottom of my
cold, maladjusted little heart, thank my blind subscribers for both
their contributions to our first blind humour Collage *and* for the
remarkable insights that they have given to the blindness-impaired
moderator of this mailing list; they have truly helped me to
understand and appreciate a great deal about their worlds.

Listen and enjoy ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator

____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: The Adventures of Millicent Quattlebaum

A true story ...

In a former incarnation, I was the first totally blind person to be
graduated from an accredited Library Science program -- I thought
I'd like to specialize in library services to the blind. Anyhow,
while in school at the University of Pittsburgh, I wrote a nasty
letter to the head of the subject headings section at the Library of
Congress about the fact that at that time, they were still using
"Seeing Eye Dog" as the *only* subject heading for books about dogs
what lead blind folks into puddles, etc. Damned if they didn't
*change* the subject heading as a result of my letter, not to the
suggested "Dog Guides" (I pointed out that "Guide Dog" was just as
much a brand name as "Seeing Eye Dog"), but they *did* change it to
"Guide Dogs."

My cataloging prof, who'd been around the track in that obscure
corner of the library profession for maybe thirty years at the time,
upped my grade one whole letter just for achieving this (to him)
impossible feat.

The lady's name who ran the subject heading section was, so help me
God, Millicent Quattlebaum.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Dog Guide Navigation -- Take One

Here's another great dog guide story -- when I was training, we used
to sit around and swap these things ...

Blind guy gets on to bus with dog guide. Nosy woman asks usual
dumb-shit question, "How does that wonderful dog know where you want
to go?"

Blind guy responds, "Every morning, I tie a map of that day's
travels to his collar."

"There's no map tied to his collar now."

"Goddamn it to hell! Lost again!"

(This actually happened to someone whose word I, possibly naively,
tend to trust.)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Dog Guide Navigation -- Take Two

I'm often asked the question, "How does the dog know where he's
going?"

Well, in homage to the '100 great ways to order a pizza(tMS)," I'm
thinking of starting my own list:

1. He doesn't, I just follow him. Last time I knew where I was must
have been a couple of weeks ago now.

2. He can read maps.

3. He just asks a policeman.

4. Haven't you heard about those new amazing guide cats? Now they
_are_ clever. They know just about everything, so I just tell them
where we're going and the dog just follows the cat.

5. We just talk about it, and once he says he knows, we're off.
<Winking>

6. He's got a GPS system built into his dog tag.

7. Sorry, can't stop, we're trying to shake off the policeman who's
following us.

8. He doesn't. He's only a dog you know.

9. He counts the cracks in the pavement (sidewalk (sic)), which is
why you'll always see his nose pointing down.

10. He doesn't always. Sometimes we do get lost. But then he just
phones for a cab.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Altimeters for the Blind

A blind guy is sitting in a bar talking to his friends about his
recent parachute jump. They were all talking about just how great it
felt to freefall and feel the rush of air.

A guy sitting at the next table overheard the conversation and
leaned over and said, "Excuse me, I can see from your guide dog that
you're blind. If you don't mind my asking, when you're freefalling,
how do you know when to open the chute?"

"Easy", said the blind guy, "When the lead goes slack."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: What's Your Name?

Another 'favourite' of little old dears [Moderator's Note: Blindness-
impaired people. </vs>] is to ask _the dog_ "What's your name then?"

I just stand there and pretend I didn't hear it. I mean, if they've
asked the dog for his name, they would be really disappointed to be
told that he can't actually speak. I wouldn't want to hurt their
feelings, now would I? ;)

If I've had one of 'those' days (funny how blind/disabled people
just aren't supposed to have 'those' days), then I have been known
to reply "He doesn't actually have a name, funnily enough. You know,
they have _so_ many dogs that they just can't get round to giving
them all names. Bit of a shame really, but I think that L1344 is
quite a nifty little reference number, don't you?"

And, strangely enough, this is often the last question they ask
me...

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Just Looking Around

A very elegantly dressed blind woman walks into Harrod's in London
just before Christmas, accompanied by her dog. She pauses in the
clothing department, picks up the dog, tosses him into the air and
begins twirling him around and around at the end of his leash. 
After a minute, she lowers him to the floor and proceeds to the next
department -- where she again throws her dog into the air and twirls
him around and around on the end of his leash.

A sales clerk, somewhat taken aback by this behavior, walks over to
her and asks if she requires assistance. "No thank you," she
replies, "I'm just looking around."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More From The Intellectual Proletariat

The Baltimore Police Department, famous for it's superior K-9 unit,
was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident. Returning home from
work, a woman had been shocked to find her house ransacked and
burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the
crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9
officer patrolling nearby was first on the scene. As he approached
the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch,
clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to
find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what
do they do? They send a blind policeman!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Beware The Urban Legends

[Moderator's Note: As a public service to my blind subscribers, I am
including this message from Mark in a small effort to increase
awareness of things like the "Lucky" urban legend. Note Mark's words:
"purely fictional tale." </vs>]

As a blind HumourNetter with a guide dog, I am getting a little
tired of hearing on local TV and radio about the world's worst guide
dog. The various versions of this purely fictional tale (or should
that be tail?) are about a dog, usually called 'Lucky', which has
proceeded to drag anything between 3 and 14 (!) owners off train
platforms, under buses, off cliffs, and supposedly killed each one
of them.

Anyway, that's just a rant really, since I heard it _again_ this
morning on the radio ...

********************************************************************
 Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy of the rest of us.
********************************************************************

"HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail
list server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more information
on Lyris, see <http://www.lyris.com/>.

To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following
command to <lyris&#64;lyris.net>:

subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country

where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems,
then either (1) send any message to <HumourNet-info&#64;lyris.net> for
a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web
interface at <http://lists.lyris.net/>, or (3) send a *detailed*
description of the problem to <Listmom&#64;telephonet.com>.

To unsubscribe, (1) forward any HumourNet mailing (or blank message)
to <leave-humournet&#64;lyris.net>, (2) visit Lyris's Web interface at
<http://lists.lyris.net/>, or (3) refer to your Welcome message for
detailed instructions.

For instructions on contributing material to HumourNet, send any
message to <contribution-guidelines&#64;lyris.net>.

>>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors,
not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the
text wherever possible. <<<

The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP:

    Web: <http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/>
    FTP: <ftp://ftp.humournet.com/pub/HumourNet/Collage.Archives/>

Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that
1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line
containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer,
and 2) no fee is charged.

Also: Be *SURE* to remove the footer (with your e-mail address)
from this message before forwarding it!

There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a
copy of them, send any message to <posting-guidelines&#64;lyris.net>, or
refer to your Welcome message.

********************************************************************
    "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
********************************************************************
</collage395>


************************

Subject:     Collage 396: Beautiful After Midnight
Date:        6/22/1998 1:57 AM
Received:    6/22/1998 7:03 AM
From:        HumourNet
To:          The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour

Collage 396              H u m o u r N e t              22 Jun 1998

<announcements>

A Plea ...

Some of you have noticed that our Web site (www.humournet.com) and
FTP site (ftp.humournet.com) are no longer available. Unfortunately,
the server we were on ("Elycion," at the University of Alberta) has
run into some problems, and might be losing its connection to the
'Net.

Thus, HumourNet.com is temporarily homeless. (Note that this is
only the Web and FTP sites, not the mailing list; the list is
hosted on Lyris <http://www.lyris.com/> by the nice folks at Lyris
Technologies, Inc.)

So, here's the deal: I need DNS hosting for humournet.com, plus Web
hosting (about 5 meg), an anonymous FTP site (about 20 meg), two POP
accounts, and about a dozen aliases (primarily used to manage my
Usenet II hierarchy, which has been sadly neglected of late). I'd
prefer a Unix variant (with a shell account <g>), but will settle
for NT on the condition that it has a dedicated T3 with the first
upstream router at a network peering point (MAE-EAST would be nice,
since it's right down the street from me ;-).

In exchange, you are welcome to a plug (for your hosting service) and
a link on the front page -- and hey, any other pages that you'd like.
Other plugs are possible, too -- such as in the ever-expanding
HumourNet trailer. I wish I could offer more, but there simply is not
a sufficient number of unsubscriptions to generate any meaningful
revenue (despite John Mozena's best efforts (Collage 394)). However,
Pastor Rus(tMS) has offered to bless whatever hosting service agrees
to carry HumourNet. (Warning: Pastors don't generally "bless" things.
As such, Rus is a little out of practice. For example, his most recent
blessing, delivered this past Easter, was for peace between Pakistan
and India. He means well, though. Really, he does.)

If you are interested in putting up with me on a full-time basis
(NOTE: Alan Skelley -- the owner of Elycion, and guy who has had to
put up with me for the past two years -- has offered to talk you out
of this), please drop me a note at <humournet&#64;telephonet.com>.
(Please note the spelling of "HumourNet" there -- if you spell it
"HumorNet", your message will not reach me!)

</announcements>

Most of you noticed that there was no Collage last week. This is
generally not significant, especially on a list in which there has
been only one posting in the past 8 weeks. Nevertheless, the absence
of a Collage WAS significant ...

I was shopping for cosmetics.

There comes a day in every man's life when he is asked the question,
"Would you like to join us at the semi-annual Aramis factory sale?"
Well, maybe not EVERY man -- some, through either birth right or
sheer luck, are somehow spared. But for the rest of you, I have only
three words of advice, should this question ever be presented to you:

KILL YOURSELF *NOW*.

It's that simple. Sure, popping off to the Aramis factory sale might
SOUND like a fun way to kill a Saturday morning -- but, take my word
for it, you would be far better off eviscerating your eyeballs with a
hot fork than shopping for cosmetics with a group of women.

A group of *rabid* women, that is.

Imagine a room filled with cosmetics. Now imagine women in that room.
Women with credit cards and checkbooks. You get the picture.

Do you have ANY idea how long it takes to pick out a lipstick? I
certainly didn't. I do now. Really. In fact, I think I'm pretty well
prepared to work the Clinique counter at the local department store.

Let me sum it up for you this way: Entire political regimes can be
toppled and reconstructed in the amount of time it takes for a woman
to decide between "Desert Rose" and "Glowing Lilac" blush.

And that's just the blush. There's also lipstick, eye shadow, eye
liner, nail polish, hair spray, perfume, and pictures of the babies.
And a whole assortment of other stuff.

Then there are the perfume NAMES. My favorite was "Beautiful After
Midnight." (I'm not making this up!) Doesn't matter what it smelled
like -- the name just seems to conjure up images of a wearer who
might be, uh, "appearance challenged" until right around last call.
(Recommendation for the men in the audience: No matter HOW GOOD you
think this stuff smells, DO NOT, under any circumstances, purchase
it for your significant other.)

I'll spare you the rest of the details; after all, this is a humour
list, not a horror movie. Suffice it to say that, during the weekend
of the NEXT semi-annual Aramis factory sale, there will be a Collage
sent out to the list. I promise.

And, of course, this leads us straight into the next "Relationships"
Collage ...

Karen in Colorado Springs, COlorado, starts us off with "Fidelity and
Ferraris";

a little farther north, Randy Cassingham in Boulder, Colorado, brings
us "'Dear Abby': An Eclectic's Collection";

Sandor in Ft. Belvoir, Virginia, sends along a "Role Model";

Shawn King, moderator of our sister list, Bawdy.Net, sends us a
possible urban legend (but an amusing one, nonetheless), entitled
"Lesson in Practicality";

Warren M. takes credit for sending me the first MSDS for "Man" that
isn't just a whiney rewrite of the "Woman" version (the MSDS for
"Woman" appeared back in Collage 20, and generated LOTS of responses,
most of which were merely repackaged versions of the "Man" version),
entitled "Equal Time";

Nancy C. in Bowmanville, Canada, accepts kudos for "A Breakthrough in
Computer Technology";

and Steve V. in Evansville Indiana (formerly of Lakewood, Colorado)
brings us on that is LONG overdue, known simply as "The Rules." (Note
that most of the material in this Collage was submitted well over a
year ago. Sorry, but it takes a long time for most material to work
its way through the arduous-but-inefficient HumourNet Contribution
Approval And Processing System.)

Huge thanks, as always, to all our contributors. Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator

____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Fidelity and Ferraris

There were once these 3 men -- Dave, Ron, and Tim. One day, they
were all involved in a tragic car accident in which all 3 died.

Now, they all stood at the gates of heaven. An angel came up to them
and said, "You are all to be allocated a method for transportation
around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have
your transport chosen accordingly."

The angel looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man! You
cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around
Heaven in an old beat up Dodge."

The angel next looked at Ron and said, "You, were not quite as bad.
But since you cheated on your wife two times, you will forever
travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon."

The angel finally looked at Tim, and said, "You, Tim, have set a
fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you
never cheated on your wife! For this, you will travel through heaven
in a Ferrari."

A short time later, Ron and Dave pull up in their cars next to Tim's
Ferrari. There he is, sitting on the bonnet, head in hands, crying.

"What's wrong, Tim?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You are set
forever! Why so down?"

Tim looked up, with his chipmunk cheeks all puffed out, and ever so
slowly opened his mouth and said ...

"I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: "Dear Abby": An Eclectic's Collection

DEAR ABBY: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One
is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her
mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never
seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they
could be Lebanese?
CURIOUS

DEAR ABBY: I've been married for six years and have five kids. No
twins. My husband still wants to have sex every night and sometimes
in the morning too. I told him he should get himself a hobby, and he
says that is his hobby.

...I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much I'm not
even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

...I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the
pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend
should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to
discuss money with him.

...I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I
confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it
would never happen again.

...Will you please rush me the name of a reliable illegitimate
doctor?

...Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was
raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

...I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I
get out?

...My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour
every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

...I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank
until one night he came home sober.

...Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little
gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally
did it.

I met this nice guy who was in the service. He's the chief petting
officer.

...This is the second marriage for both of us. And when my husband
said "I Will" he knew damn well he couldn't.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month.
I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you
think he'd like?
CAROL
DEAR CAROL: Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.

DEAR ABBY: Are birth control pills deductible?
KAY
DEAR KAY: Only if they don't work.

DEAR ABBY: Our son was married in January. Five months later his
wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature.
Tell me, can a baby this big be that early?
WONDERING
DEAR WONDERING: The baby was on time, the wedding was late.

DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at
the same time?
JAKE
DEAR JAKE: Yes, and also hazardous.

DEAR ABBY: I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three
and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions?
ANNIE
DEAR ANNIE: Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years,
but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.

DEAR ABBY: I have always wanted to have my family history traced,
but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any 
suggestions?
SAM IN CAL.
DEAR SAM: Yes. Run for public office.

DEAR ABBY: I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man
my age with no bad habits.
ROSE
DEAR ROSE: So would I.

DEAR ABBY: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?
BESS
DEAR BESS: Night and Day.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Role Model

A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when
their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and
it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel.

The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have
a minor problem.

PRIEST: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under
the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room.
I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed.

SISTER: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the
room.

Ten minutes later...

SISTER: Father, I'm terribly cold.

PRIEST: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.

Ten minutes later...

SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold.

PRIEST: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket.

Ten minutes later...

SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord
would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

PRIEST: You're probably right. Get up and get your own darn blanket.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Lesson in Practicality

A man said his credit card had been stolen -- but he decided not to
report it, because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Equal Time

Man - A Chemical Analysis

Element       : Man
Symbol        : MN1
Quantitative  : Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as
                short as 4 inches.
Discoverer    : Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a
                craving for ribs)
Occurrence    : Found following dual element Wo, often in high
                concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.

Physical properties:
a) Surface often covered with hair; bristly in some areas, soft in
   others.
b) Boils when inconvenienced, melts if treated like a God.
c) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol).
d) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme
   caution.
e) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction
   with Wo.
f) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
g) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply
   sensitive to extremely thick.
h) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
i) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with
   polluted form of the Wo common ore.
j) When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields
   only when subtlety, subterfuge, and/or flattery are applied

Chemical properties:
a) Most forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction
   is possible.
b) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under
   extremely favorable conditions.
c) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.
d) Usually willing to react with whatever is available.
e) Reaction rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction
   effects (which tend to turn the specimen bright red.
f) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to
   violent/bloody.
g) When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel
   most other elements.
h) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household
   cleansers.
i) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly
   those of the malodorous variety.
j) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.

Storage:
a) Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for
   favorable reaction style.

Uses:
a) Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners
   for Wo.
b) Can be used in recreational activities.

Tests:
a) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens
   broadcast information on many wavelengths.

Caution:
a) Tends to react extremely violently when other MN1 interferes with
   reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very malleable
   under correct conditions.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: A Breakthrough in Computer Technology

Translated and adapted from soc.culture.russian:

A breakthrough in computer technology has been made by the
representatives of the growing population of female computer
engineers. The new revolutionary processor is based on female logic
and utilizes the following four values for logical operators:

0) neither YES nor NO
1) YES or NO
2) NO three times
3) NO -- and never mention it to me again!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Rules

1. The Female always makes the rules.

2. The Female is NEVER wrong!

3. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior
notification or approval from the Male.

4. No Male can possibly know all of the rules.

5. If the Female suspects that the Male knows all of the rules, she
must immediately change some or all of the rules.

6. In the unlikely event that the Female is wrong, it is because of
a flagrant misunderstanding which is a direct result of something
the Male said or did.

7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for
causing the misunderstanding.

8. The Female can change her mind at any time with or without a
reason.

9. The Male can never change his mind without written consent and
approval from the Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time and
for any reason.

11. The Male must be calm at all times unless the Female wants him
to be angry or upset.

12. The Female is NEVER required to let the Male know whether or not
she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. No anger or emotional outburst on the part of the Female may be
blamed on PMS. This will result in swift and extreme retribution.

14. Any attempt to document these rules may result in bodily harm or
death to the Male.

********************************************************************
 Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy of the rest of us.
********************************************************************

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</collage396>


************************

Subject:     Collage 397: To Net Or Not To Net
Date:        7/20/1998 3:37 AM
Received:    7/20/1998 7:03 AM
From:        HumourNet
To:          The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour

Collage 397              H u m o u r N e t              20 Jul 1998

Well, I'd hoped to have the new HumourNet Web site and FTP archives
in place before sending out the next Collage, but it's just not going
to happen. I came very close, though -- the new site is in place, and
the archives are all there, I just have some broken links that need
fixing. I'll get to them, I promise.

In the meantime, I owe a great debt of gratitude to Richard Rognlie
of gamerz.net. Rich is a great guy, and a fellow anti-spam activist.
Moreover, he didn't even want any recognition for hosting HumourNet!
Hmmmm ... Come to think of it, Rich might be a lot smarter than I
thought. Well, that's too bad -- if you're going to host HumourNet,
you're just going to have to learn to deal with the stigma. <g> So,
I encourage everyone to kindly drop by our host's site and check it
out; it's an interesting site, especially if you're into games (and
who knows -- if enough of us drop by, maybe we can bring down his
server ;-).

Check it out at <http://www.gamerz.net/>.

And, of course, HumourNet's new site -- broken links and all -- is
at <http://www.humournet.com/>. (33% shorter than the old URL!)

And finally, here's an offer for all the struggling Web designers
out there: If you are interested in "making over" HumourNet's Web
site, and getting a plug (not a banner, though, since I don't do
banners) with a link to your site on any/all of the Web pages that
you redesign, drop me a note with a subject of "Web Design." Be sure
to include a small sampling of some Web sites you've already done
(not more than two or three, as that's the most that I'll have time
to look at). Note: I probably will not be able to respond to
messages for about a week and a half, so please be patient.

BTW, if you've never seen the HumourNet Web site, check it out. With
a site like that, I could almost apply to for E.P.A. funding to have
it redesigned. <g>

(FWIW, someone started to redesign the site a couple of years ago;
see <http://www.humournet.com/new/> for a look at the beta site.)

And speaking of all things Internet, today's Collage is a collection
of Internet humour that has been languishing 'round these parts for
quite a while. The topic is primarily Internet prose and poetry. It's
mostly geek material, though, so be sure to put on your Coke-bottle
glasses before reading it ...

Doug L. in [glowing] Oak Ridge, Tennessee, starts this one off with
an original piece, "To Net Or Not To Net";

George P, an old friend of mine from the Army Research Laboratory in
Adelphi, Maryland, brings us an old one that I swore I'd never run.
Well, you've finally worn me down, so  "Seuss Tech" is making its
long-overdue appearance on HumourNet today.

Kaiti in Alexandria, Virginia, brings us the "Ode to Spammers";

Neil J. at George Mason University in Virginia sends along some more
catchy tunes in the piece, "Songs to Program By";

Eric N. in Canton, Massachusetts, adds another Beatles cover with
"Yesterday";

and Craig L. in Minneapolis, Minnesota, finishes with a flourish
with "Abbott & Costello Meet UNIX."

Huge round of applause to our contributors. And another big "thanks!"
to Rich Rognlie and gamerz.net for hosting the HumourNet Web site
and FTP archive. (In the next Collage, I'll be providing URLs for
some of the other great folks who also offered to host HumourNet.)

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator

____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: To Net Or Not To Net, That Is The...
By D.G. LaVerne

Question: whether 'tis more poss'ble for the
Surfer to take arms 'gainst a sea of bits
And thereby, at one a.m., to get on?
To Net, to dial--and dial, and dial--No more!
And dialing so to get nine "Busy" or
Ten "Scripted Login Failed" the Net's now
Heir to--'tis consummation little to
Be wish'd.
        To Net, to dial. No use! Perchance
To curse at AOL--ay, there's the rub!
For in the dark of three a.m. what luck
Will give, after we've tried from morn' to
Midnight, must give us pause. There's the respect
That makes calumny at one's ISP;
For who would bear the whips and scorn geek friends
Give, the spouse's long, proud contumely, the
Significant Others' delayed response
At law, the insolence of "Connection
Failed" windows spurning one's electronic
Advances, when he might be better off
With a dime-store novel? Who would gates hold up,
To punt one's sweat under a bleary light,
But that the dread of something after dearth
Of undiscovered Web, from whose thrall no
Nerd returns yet cogent, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather keep at bit-born salve
Than fly to Aruba, which we would love?
Our science has made cuckolds of us geeks.
And thus the native bound of resolution
Is sicklied o'er by malicious applets
And enterprises for great jack-pots' wealth
With this regard their current turn awry
And lose their promise post-haste.

(c) Copyright D.G. LaVerne
Reprinted on HumourNet with permission.

Working Title: To C Or Not To C
Also read at "Writers' Block", TN Mtn. Writers' Conf. '97

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Seuss Tech

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Ode to Spammers
By Daniel E. Macks

I do not want your MLMs;
I don't want to see nude teenage femmes.
I do not want psychic advice,
So there's no need to mail me thrice.
I do not like New Jerseyan swearing,
And I don't want the panties you're wearing.

I do not want your Asian chicks;
I don't care about your lame stock picks.
I do not want to see Pam's bod,
Don't care about your views on God.
I don't want calling cards prepaid,
Nor Herbalife's new diet aid.

So, Dave Rhodes, lawyers Seigel and Canter,
And the "I am so great" ranter,
And all you others who have no name--
Whether small-time or of nanae fame:
I do not want to sound too crass,
But I think someone should kick your /dev/null.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Songs to Program By

Title: Eleanor Rigby

Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Guru MacKenzie
Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;
Isn't it fun?
Look at him working,
Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;
It takes a while....

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Eleanor Rigby
Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;
Feels like a jerk..
Guru MacKenzie
Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;
Nothing will load..

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take
so long?

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Title: Unix Man (Nowhere Man)

He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans
For nobody..

Knows the blocksize from du(1)
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn't he a bit like you
And me?

UNIX Man, please listen(2)
My lpd(8) is missin'
UNIX Man
The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command. >>
He's as wise as he can be
Uses lex and yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me At all?

UNIX Man, don't worry
Test with time(1), don't hurry
UNIX Man
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned. >>
He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody ...
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody..

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Title: Write in C ("Let it Be")

When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."

As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C..
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C..

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly..
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C..

If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C..

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C..
BASIC's not the answer..
Write in C..

Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C..
Pascal won't quite cut it..
Write in C..

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Title: Something

Something in the way it fails,
Defies the algorithm's logic!
Something in the way it core dumps...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this problem somehow

Somewhere in the memory I know,
A pointer's got to be corrupted..
Stepping in the debugger will show me...
I don't want to leave it now
I'm too close to leave it now

You're asking me can this code go?
I don't know, I don't know....
What sequence causes it to blow?
I don't know, I don't know....

Something in the initializing code?
And all I have to do is think of it!
Something in the listing will show me....
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this tonight I vow!

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Title: Yesterday

Yesterday,

All those backups seemed a waste of pay.

Now my database has gone away.

Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,

There's not half the files there used to be,

And there's a milestone

Hanging over me

The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong

What it was I could not say.

Now all my data's gone

and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,

The need for back-ups seemed so far away.

I knew my data was all here to stay,

Now I believe in yesterday.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Abbott & Costello Meet UNIX

A Customer calls a UNIX consultant with a question ...

Customer: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of
a program?

UNIX consul: Yes, that's correct.

Customer: No, what is it?

UNIX consul: Yes.

Customer: So, which is the one?

UNIX consul: No. 'which' is used to find the program.

Customer: Stop this. Who are you?

UNIX consul: Use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'. You can also 'finger
yoo' to get information about yoo'.

Customer: All I want to know is what finds the revision code?

UNIX consul: Use 'what'.

Customer: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true?

UNIX consul: No. 'true' gives you 0.

Customer: Which one?

UNIX consul: 'true' gives you 0. 'which programname'

Customer: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find
it?

UNIX consul: Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what
program' to get the revision code.

Customer: I want to find the revision code.

UNIX consul: You can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what
program'.

Customer: Which command will do what I need?

UNIX consul: No. 'which command' will find 'command'.

Customer: I think I understand. Let me write that.

UNIX consul: You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your
system.

Customer: Write what?

UNIX consul: No. 'write that'. 'what program'.

Customer: Cut that out!

UNIX consul: Yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the
options.

Customer: Do you always do this?

UNIX consul: 'du' will give you disk usage.

Customer: HELP!

UNIX consul: 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System
(SCCS).

Customer: You make me angry.

UNIX consul: No, I don't 'make me' angry but I did 'make programname'
when I was upset once.

Customer: I don't want to make trouble, so no more.

UNIX consul: No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every
system has 'more'.

Customer: Nice help! I'm confused more now!

UNIX consul: Understand that since 'help' is such a small program,
it is better not to 'nice help' and 'more now' is not allowed but
'at now' is. Unless of course 'now' is a file name.

Customer: This is almost as confusing as my PC.

UNIX consul: I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you
to the Pascal compiler team.

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</collage397>


************************

Subject:     Collage 398: Adventures of the Terminally Stupid
Date:        8/2/1998 5:31 PM
Received:    8/2/1998 6:14 PM
From:        HumourNet
To:          The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour

Collage 398              H u m o u r N e t              02 Aug 1998

<announcements>

Quick notes:

I suffered a disk crash about a week ago, and restored from a 2 July
backup; all mail received for the past few weeks was lost. Thus, if
you sent me an offer to redesign HumourNet's Web interface, please
re-send it. (Nothing else really needs to be re-sent. ;-)

Also, those of you who filter your e-mail will note that several key
addresses in the Collage message header have changed; these changes
should be permanent, and should help the Intellectual Proletariat
more easily recognize which addresses are NOT to be used when writing
to me. (In short, anything with "bounces" in the address is a no-no.)

Longer note ...

In the previous Collage, I announced that HumourNet's Web and FTP
sites are now being hosted by gamerz.net. The decision was not an
easy one, though; there were nearly 300 respondents to my request
for hosting services, and many of the offerors are also providing
top-notch hosting services.

As my way of saying thanks to the brave men and women who looked
humiliation and public outrage square in the eye, and courageously
composed and mailed their bids to host HumourNet, I have offered
to compound their abasement by posting their company names and URLs
to the mailing list. What follows is a partial list; I will post the
rest in the following issue ...

    Interactive Email Games         http://www.zelepress.com

    CBC Computing                   http://www.cbc-computing.com

    Sandwich.Net Internet Services  http://www.sandwich.net

    BRAM Corporation                http://www.bram.net

    Cult of The SHAFT!              http://www.shaftnet.org

    CrayNet Technologies            http://www.craytech.net

    Digital Marketing Online        http://www.digitalmo.com

    Naive offer of a home           http://www.ftech.net/~monark

    Pegasus Web Technologies        http://www.pwebtech.com

    Kingdom of Breckinshire  http://www.angelfire.com/fl/breckinshire

    Mouse Hole Productions Web Site Design and Hosting:
                             http://www.mouseholeproductions.com

    One-stop shopping place for all your CD/DVD Supplies:
                             http://www.cd-supply.com

    And, of course, our host -- gamerz.net: http://www.gamerz.net

Speaking of the HumourNet Web site, all of the links on the new site
should now be fixed and ready to go: <http://www.humournet.com/>.
Enjoy!

</announcements>

As we're all aware, Alan Shepard -- the first American astronaut
-- died on July 22nd, 1998. I happened to be staying at a hotel in
New Jersey at that time, which means that (1) I had nothing to do
with it, and (2) I got to read about it the next morning in that
quintessential hotel newspaper, "USA Today."

Now, I usually like McPa^H^H^H^H USA Today; the lengths of the stories
are comparable to my attention span, and the writing is usually
relatively good (as journalism goes). But when I see reporting such as
that in the Shepard article, I just have to comment on it ...

<USA Today>

    "Death Of A Hero: Shepard's Ride Lifted USA Into The Space Age"
    By Paul Hoversten
    Thur., July 23, 1998

    ... His 15-minute suborbital plop aboard Freedom 7 on May 5,
    1961, made Shepard an instant hero as the first American in
    space....

    With a single mission, the 37-year-old Navy lieutenant commander
    threw down a challenge to the Soviet Union, which had put one of
    its own men, Yuri Gagarin, into orbit just 23 days before.

"Threw down a challenge"? WHAT challenge? Perhaps the challenge was,
"No matter WHAT you do, we're going to be RIGHT BEHIND YOU." Or
maybe, "The NEXT time you beat us to the punch, we're going to be
only TWENTY TWO days behind. And then 21, and then 20...."

Yep, I'm sure that the Soviets were sweating inside their beaver caps
just thinking about it.

    ... Shepard's flight was the opening salvo in a tumultuous decade
    that changed forever the way Americans saw themselves and their
    place in the universe.

"Opening salvo"? I guess we somehow failed to notice the heavy
artillery that had pummeled us just three weeks earlier. But at
least it "changed forever the way Americans saw themselves and their
place in the universe"; clearly, the author is referring to "second
place" here.

    ... Had the flight not been a success, Kennedy almost certainly
    would not have pitched the idea of a moon landing in his address
    to Congress 20 days later....

Now THERE'S a radical concept: "If we screw up one more time, well,
then maybe we shouldn't bet the farm just yet on a mission that's
several orders of magnitude more difficult than this one."

    A whole country of little boys in crewcuts were trading cowboy
    hats for space helmets. A generation of little girls aspired to
    heights they never would have dreamed.

What -- you mean becoming astronauts' wives?

    ... Shepard's death means that of 12 moonwalkers, 10 are still
    living.

THIRTEEN moonwalkers -- 11 are still living, and one has gone triple
platinum five times (and set his hair on fire once).

</USA Today>

Normally, I'd try to follow this up with a "journalism humour"
Collage; sadly, though, I have no such collection, as nearly
everything that appears in the newspaper could be categorized as
journalism humour -- and the file would grow without bound.

So, instead, I've decided to run some technology-related "Stupid
People" selections ...

Hailing from Winona, Minnesota, Pat starts the fun with "Too Stupid
For My Modem, Take 1";

your beloved (and slightly overworked) HumourNet moderator brings
you the follow-up piece, "Too Stupid For My Modem, Take 2";

Dave in Tempe, Arizona, helps the chronicle the electronically
and encephalographically challenged with "Too Stupid For My Modem,
Take 3";

"Saint" John in Philadelphia takes credit for "The Spams of Wrath";

and Duncan in California finishes with a flourish in "Thank You For
Calling AT&T."

Just be thankful that none of the subjects of today's Collage is you.
(And if it is, I *don't* want to hear about it. ;-)

Huge thanks to our contributors. Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator

____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Too Stupid For My Modem, Take 1

Last weekend I got a letter from another Luminet user that was just
an attached file that was Zipped. I wrote back to say that I wasn't
going to open it unless I knew what it was, since I didn't know him
at all. He wrote back pretty aggrieved to say that it was the text of
a letter to Rush Limbaugh at his Compuserv address that had somehow
gone astray. I deleted it all and forgot about it.

Then this morning the following letter appeared in the paper.

[Editor's Note: All travesties of language were left intact in the
following correspondence. </vs>]

"EMAILERS BEWARE"

Sunday evening, October 6, 1996, I sent an email to Rush Limbaugh
with an address I though was his. This email was the same letter I
sent to my congressmen several months ago. Congressmen like to have
you tell them how you feel about issues. Money morning about 3 am, I
turned on the internet and recalled my email. There were about eight
letters. They were very irate that I sent them unsolicited political
email. Some requested that I remove their address from my address
book. Some said if it was not a mistake, I should be removed from
the internet. I have sent several emails to relatives and friends
before and never had a problem. I use Eudora and Netscape 2.01 tieh
my 486-33mh PC and Windows 3.1.

Who's fault was this? Did I accidentally request multiple mailings
or did the internet goof?

It was very embarrassing. The moral of the story is when you send
email to anybody, due to the complications of internet inter workings,
you may be sending that email to everybody in town or in the country.

Maybe due to the complications of the internet, only licensed and
trained users should have access to the internet.

[Editor's Note: Maybe only those people with IQs over, say, *45*
should have access to the Internet. </vs>]

It took me two months after I recieved my password before I finally
got on the internet.

[Editor's Note: Make that 55. </vs>]

I was really not pushing very hard. I had learned the internet by
trial and error and a few phone calls. Now I realize that snail mail
isn't so bad after all, it goes only where you send it.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Too Stupid For My Modem, Take 2

A few years ago, there was a very amusing "Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide"
piece that was circulating the 'Net. (What appears below is an edited
version; you can see the entire text in Collage 77, which I ran on
HumourNet more than three years ago.)

In November, 1996, the following message was posted to the SPAM-L
(counter-spam) mailing list.

The author was completely serious about it.

I wanted to cry for all humanity.

- Vince

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Date: Wed, 20 Nov 1996 22:43:03 -0500
To: SPAM-L&#64;PEACH.EASE.LSOFT.COM
From: <name and address deleted to protect the guilty>
Subject: WORST SPAM EVER!

I got this via e-mail, and I wanted to share it because it is truly
the worst piece of SPAM ever created. I thought it was a joke until
they asked for money. This is so sleazy, I actually forwarded it to
the Central California FBI Office.

Just a quick note: DHMO (Dihydrogen Monoxide) is WATER.

>Join the Fight to Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide!
>
>Do your share to help to rid the world of this dangerous chemical.
>The US Congress has been blinded to the dangers of DHMO by corporate
>and military interests who pollute the environment for their own
>ends. Congress must learn that the American people will not stand by
>and watch the planet be destroyed!
>
>WRITE TO YOUR CONGRESSPERSON TODAY!!!
>
>There is also much that can be done on a local level. Alert your
>local government or newspaper if DHMO is contaminating your area.
>
>Although the Coalition is primarily an American organization, we
>also have supporters in the UK, and are working towards educating
>people in other counties to the global hazards we are facing.
>
>But we need your help! Send your contributions to:
>
>The Coalition to Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide
>211 Pearl St.
>Santa Cruz CA 95060
>
>Picture a world without dihydrogen monoxide!
>
>The Coalition's efforts have been written up in the 5/18/96 issue of
>"The New Scientist", and also in the "Chemical and Engineering
>News," the newsmagazine of the American Chemical Society.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Following this rather amusing "warning" message to SPAM-L, someone
tried (very gently) to set the author straight, informing her that
the entire "Coalition" and supposed "fight" to ban DHMO was just a
prank. Here is her reply:

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Date: Fri, 22 Nov 1996 11:35:45 -0500
To: SPAM-L&#64;PEACH.EASE.LSOFT.COM
From: <name and address deleted to protect the guilty>
Subject: Re: WORST SPAM EVER!

John,

Thanks. As a chem major, it strikes me as sleazy on several levels,
not the least of which is the solicitation for money.

<.sig removed>

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

*sigh*

I really have to wonder whether the FBI field agents are still
laughing about this ...

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Too Stupid For My Modem, Take 3

I was working as a PC support person for a large computer reseller.
I worked in the Sales Department assisting with network issues,
setting up new users, moving people, etc.

They asked me to do an emergency move for one long-time rep. I moved
her computer equipment, hooked everything up and got her into the
network. I tested the modem and the fax machine to make sure
everything was working just fine. I informed her that she was ready
to go and went back to other things.

About an hour later, she tracked me down and informed me that her
modem and fax (both external to the PC) were not working. Confused,
since I had tested them out, I followed her back to her cube -- and,
sure enough, no power to either the fax or the modem.

Crawling under her desk, I noticed that she had moved the power
strip (that these two items were plugged into) from one end of the
cube to the other, so she could plug her fan into it. Upon further
investigation, it seemed this bright lady (natural blonde, or so I'm
told) had plugged her power strip into itself!

I told her if she ever got this "self-generating power strip" to
work, let me know and we'd patent it!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Spams of Wrath
By John Morrison

[Editor's Note: A while back, John Morrison and several of his
friends were having a discussion about spam and how to stop it.
Knowing my strong anti-spam stance, John forwarded the discussion to
me. Edited out for brevity is the set-up by Brian Siano, in which he
recommends trailing known spammers, waiting until opportune moments,
and then "working them over." Note that I do not actually condone
this practice (nor do I condemn it. ;-) Anyway, we start in with a
quote from Noam Chomsky, who -- like Barbra Striesand and many
others -- really should stick to his profession and try to avoid
the political commentary ... </vs>]

    "The Internet is an elite organization. Most of the
    population of the world has never even made a phone call."
      -- Noam Chomsky

I bet you could get a lot of people in on this. Maybe after only one
blockhead got whupped, there'd be all sorts of websites devoted to
discussions about it. Newsgroups -- alt.fiction.CAUCE.violent. Maybe
even an alt.binaries.erotica group; the ONLY one that would be
COMPLETELY FREE from BBS ads plastered across it every six hours.

The top prize, of course, would be zipping Sanford Wallace into a
body bag and whacking him repeatedly with rubber hoses while he was
forced to lie in darkness in a pool of his own filth. Maybe we could
even re-name him "Tonya."

And the best part is that we'd get off scot-free, even if we were
caught. They'd have to go to the Ozarks to find people that haven't
gotten unsolicited eMail, no matter what Professor Chomsky says; and
I can just imagine the jury selection process:

PROSECUTOR: "Potential Juror number 2.60344e7, have you ever
received a piece of unsolicited eMail?"

POTENTIAL JUROR: "Yes."

PROSECUTOR: "Your honor, this juror is unacceptable."

JUDGE: "Well, that does it for New York. Which state comes after
that? Oklahoma?"

POTENTIAL JUROR: "The last time I logged on I had eighty-three
messages from CyberPromotions. If these guys hadn't removed his
kidneys and left him in a bathtub full of ice, I would've."

DEFENSE ATTORNEY: "Your honor, this juror is acceptable to the
defense."

JUDGE: "Hell with this. Just hang his flabby white spamming butt,
give those two guys a pension, and let's all go home."

OVER 26 MILLION POTENTIAL JURORS IN UNISON: "I get to kick the
lever!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Thank You For Calling AT&T

I work for customer service at AT&T, and we often have to deal with the
most confounding questions and responses from customers. Here are a few
taken from a compilation called "Thank You for Calling AT&T."

"Thanks for calling AT&T, this is Londa."
"Who did I Call? LONDON?"
"No, this is Londa."
"WHERE? LONDON, ENGLAND?"

"I've been on hold four months."

"Can you tell me if my calling card is in my wallet?"

"I was trying to abuse my calling card, and it's just not working!"

"So...which adult party line would YOU choose?"

"Is 30% more than 10%?"

"I want you to check my bill to see if I would save money on a
different plan."
"I'd be glad to do that. May I have your area code and phone number?
"You'll have to look it up. It's a non-published number. I don't
give it out."

"I think you're screwing me! I'm going to throw my phone out the
window with me in it!"

"To place a call, you just dial 1-800-OPERATOR."
"How do you spell `operator?' I'm not a math wizard, you know."

"I didn't make those calls...I can't even read or write!"

"Where is area code 900?"

"I want to tell you about this phone I invented. The AT&T operator
was very rude to me--IS THIS SPRINT?"

"Is October before or after November?"

"Hello, can I have the number for AT&T?"

"Is this an average size bill for you?"
"I think so...it's usually around 3 by 5."

"I just dialed a wrong 800 number. Will I be charged?"

"That call is to an adult entertainment line."
"Oh, well, at least he's still interested!"

"I need credit on my bill because my dad died tomorrow and I'm
broke."

"I just dialed this psycho line and it's disconnected!"

"I want to know what I can do about harassing phone calls. These
people are threatening me and my wife, and now they are getting
obscene with my daughter! I don't know who it is ... they always
call collect."

"I want L-O-R-D as my PIN number, but don't use my wife's name as
the card number. It has 666 in the middle."

"Can I put money in this pay phone?"

"No, ma'am, AT&T will not call the police if you don't pay your
bill."

"I lost my checkbook tonight, and I need to cancel my checks."

"Is there anything else I can help you with?"
"Not unless you know any hookers in Rock Hill."

"Hi...I have a sticker on my phone that says, `Call ATT,' so I'm
calling."

"Can you tell me where this 900 number goes?"
"That is a True Confessions line."
"But we're not Catholic!"

"All my calls are within a 20-mile-an-hour radius."

"How can I help you?"
"You can get this dog and cat off of me!!!"

"What countries do you usually call?"
"Germany and New Jersey."

"Can you hold...I have a fire going on in here."

"Zero-zero? I just dial those three numbers? That's all?"

"My boyfriend is in the Forest Service and he's been on fire all
week."

"I want you to freeze my phone bill. I've got permission from God."

"Our Fraud Department will be investigating these calls."
"The Frog Department? Would you spell that?"

"AT&T is responsible for the swastikas on my door yesterday!"

"I'm calling from my condom and I can't get out...did I just say
condom? I meant CONDO!"

"What state do you live in?"
"Taylorsville."

"I'm going to church to see if God can explain my phone bill to me."
"I can explain it to you, ma'am."
"Yeah, but I like His explanations better."

"Can I get your name, please?"
"Who."
"Yours. Can you give me your name, please?"
"Yes ... my name is spelled H-U."

"I was just trying to call 1-800-FUN-COLOR to choose turquoise blue
as my favorite for the new M&M colors, but I got Skylab! The FBI
isn't going to arrest me, are they?"

"I need a number I called recently. It should be on my next bill."
"I'm sorry, sir. Those calls are stored on magnetic tape. We don't
see them until the bill is printed."
"Then go listen to the tape!"
"Sir, those tapes are in a storage facility."
"That's okay. I'll wait."

[Editor's Note: Either he didn't save the little scrap of paper on
which he'd written the number, or his wife washed his pants before
he could put it somewhere safe. </vs>]

********************************************************************
 Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy of the rest of us.
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</collage398>


************************

Subject:     Collage 399: The Slaughter Continues
Date:        8/17/1998 12:24 AM
Received:    8/17/1998 7:53 AM
From:        HumourNet
To:          The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour

Collage 399              H u m o u r N e t              16 Aug 1998

The new iMac is out! Time for everyone to act as if this is a big
deal. Okay, so it's a computer in a quasi-clear case; this is not
exactly the first time anyone has done something like this. What *I*
want to know is if you have to plug it into a clear green plastic UPS
in order to power it up ...

But of course, the staple target around here is Microsoft. (And why
not? They provide endless hours of amusement and entertainment.) Some
of you apparently noticed the following passage in the Welcome message
you received when you joined HumourNet:

    Finally, note that we *do* pick on Microsoft around
    here.... HumourNet is very Unix and Mac oriented.
    Remember, we're just having fun here; there's no need to
    get upset about light-hearted jabs at HQ Wintel(tMS).

And Lindsay in Queensland, Australia, had *this* to say in response:

    Screw the light-hearted jabs; I use, manage, configure and
    program Win 3.1, Win95 & Win NT computers & applications
    every DAY! I want to see you *SLAUGHTER* all Wintel topics
    -- blood, more blood! <gibber> <gibber> <deleted....>

Well, Linz, there's really no need for me to slaughter Microsoft;
they are doing an admirable job of it all by themselves. What needs
to be slaughtered are the sheep who continue to *purchase* the cr
-- uh, "stuff," despite all the problems.

Take my Division at work, for example; we just purchased several
copies of Microsoft Project for the program managers. For those of
you who are blissfully ignorant, MS Project is project management,
planning, and scheduling software.

So, let me get this straight: We're supposed to use project-
management software developed by a company that has never delivered
a single project on time in its history? Yeah, this makes sense -- in
a parallel universe, perhaps.

But enough of that; it's time to let the Great Unwashed Masses take
the reins on today's Microsoft Slaughter ...

David Hemming in the United Kingdom starts us off with an original
and amusing piece entitled, "Seven Deadly Sins For Windows";

Jon B. in Phoenix, Arizona, brings us "You Are Not Alone" -- the
true tale of Man vs. The Windows Operating System;

Rich Laniewski (one of the co-moderators for the net.humour.bawdy
newsgroup) in Sandy, Utah, takes credit for another original piece,
"Down Time Pays Off For Windows Users";

Steve Willoughby, owner of the Oracle Humor Mailing List and Web Site
<http://www.oraclehumor.com>, sent me a personal message that I just
*had* to run, entitled, "MS Barney";

Randy Cassingham, owner of the "This is True" mailing list(s) (see
<http://www.thisistrue.com/> or your Welcome message for details)
brings us still ANOTHER original piece, "Windows 98 Q&A";

Nick in Kansas City, Missouri, contributes some original thoughts
with "Microsoft's Secret Business Plan";

and Christine in Denver, Colorado, follows up on the "You Make a
Grown Man Cry" piece (in Collage 367) with her comments in "You Make
a Grown Man Cry -- Reprise."

See? I don't have to write anything! When it comes to Microsoft,
there's nothing like the hordes of satisfied Windows users to lead
the charge. Many thanks to each and every one of them. <g>

As Douglas Adams, author of the "Hitchhiker" series, said: "Macintosh
-- we might not get everything right, but at least we knew the century
was going to end."

Enjoy ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator

____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Seven Deadly Sins For Windows
(c) Dave Hemming <surfbaud&#64;waverider.co.uk> Aug 1997.
May be circulated electronically providing attribution is retained.
Not to be physically circulated without my prior consent.

           THE CATHOLIC CHURCH
  (A WHOLLY-OWNED SUBSIDIARY OF MICROSOFT PLC)
               PRESENTS

             --- THE ---
            --- SEVEN ---
         --- DEADLY SINS ---
        --- FOR WINDOWS95 ---

Announcing the launch of the latest version of SDS95, a 32-bit
application specifically designed to take advantage of the WINDOWS
'95 operating system. With this unique utility, you can now
experience the thrills and the guilt of violating your sacred
covenant with God without ever leaving your swivel chair!

Just look at these features:

GLUTTONY: Gasp in awe as this module occupies all available memory,
creates a swap file using all free disk space, then crashes with an
out of memory error!

ENVY: Be the envy of all your PC-owning friends for your
cutting-edge operating system, while secretly envying your friends
with Macs!

SLOTH: This feature has been enhanced and updated from previous
versions, and will now slow down your computer by a further 20%!
Plus, with the new TaskEvaluator(tm), many more complex tasks can be
given up on halfway through!

PRIDE: You'll never have seen anything like the opening thirty
screens of this product! Over fifteen minutes of animated
Microsoft(tm) and SDS95(tm) logos interacting on screen! A complete
list of all who worked on the project scrolls repeatedly across the
bottom of the screen! Every major award we could buy the panel of is
listed! You'll want to see it again and again -- which is fine,
because it can't be turned off!

GREED: Due to the complex nature of this product, it may
periodically refuse to run unless you purchase an upgrade. Common
demands are for more disk space, more RAM, more graphics memory or a
faster processor. We recommend opening an account with your local
dealer.

ANGER: If you thought our Support Hotline was bad before, just wait
till you experience our new features!

* Even more annoying on-hold music! Work yourself into a coronary as
"Tie a Yellow Ribbon" for Doorbell and Stylophone repeats for the
seventh time! * Fully circular problem forwarding! Your call will be
passed from department to department, returning to its starting
point without ever repeating an excuse, or saying something
credible! * New VoiceTone system! Sophisticated telecommunications
advances allow us to inject a subtle note of derision into the
voices of even our most helpful operators!

LUST: Due to an overrun on the development schedule, this feature
has had to be held back to a future release. We've got it here in
the office, though, and boy is it hot!!! This feature will currently
refer you back to ANGER and ENVY.

SDS95, developed by The Catholic Church to the exacting standards of
the Microsoft Organisation, with the assistance of David Hemming.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: You Are Not Alone

Man shoots computer in frustration
By The Associated Press

ISSAQUAH, Wash. -- A 43-year-old man was coaxed out of his home by
police after he pulled a gun on his personal computer and shot it
several times, apparently in frustration.

"We don't know if it wouldn't boot up or what," Police Sgt. Keith
Moon said Thursday.

The computer, in a home office on the second floor of the townhouse,
had four bullet holes in the hard drive and one in the monitor,
according to Moon.

One bullet struck a filing cabinet, while another made it through a
wall and into a neighboring unit. No one was injured.

[Editor's Note: It was later confirmed that the machine was, indeed,
a PC running Windoze. Not that anyone was surprised ... </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Down Time Pays Off For Windows Users
By Rich Laniewski <richl&#64;softsolutions.com>

Redmond, WA -- In a desperate move to improve its corporate image,
troubled software giant Microsoft (NASDAQ: MSFT) announced yesterday
that it would match the charitable move by Apple Corp. (NYSE: AAPL).
Apple has pledged to donate, to three separate charities, US$10.00
for every consumer copy of its newest Macintosh operating system,
Mac OS 8, sold in the U.S.

"We will not merely match Apple's contribution; we will triple their
donation," stated Jerry Irvine, a Microsoft spokesperson. Microsoft
will offer, to any charity that is using Microsoft's "Windows 98"
operating system, US$30.00 for every man-hour lost to operating
system crashes and other Windows-related software bugs.

"We feel that this could potentially be very profitable for
charities that are using the Windows 98 operating system," said
Irvine.

Charities immediately hailed the effort, saying that they may now
finally start to recoup losses stemming from problems associated
with Microsoft's Windows software.

"Glory be to Microsoft," praised Rev. Jimmy Scamwell of the Bible
Belt Baptist Congregation. "Our MIS managers recommended Windows to
us several years ago, and it has proven to be nothing less than the
work of the Dark Angel, himself. But with all the time we spend
rebooting and reinstalling from backups, this offer from Microsoft
could well be the second coming for us!"

Others were not so enthusiastic. According to Harvey Kremwell,
president and CEO of Wall Street investment firm Kops & Kremwell,
Microsoft stands to lose quite a bit in this high-stakes gamble.

"Just look at the down time suffered by the average Windows user,"
says Kremwell. "Multiply that by the number of computers running --
or not running, as the case may be -- Windows 98 software at your
typical charity, and you start to see the magnitude of the problem.
Thirty dollars an hour can really add up when you're running Windows
98."

Kremwell commented that Bill Gates, founder and CEO of Microsoft,
has a net worth of only US$43 billion. "That won't last long with
this deal," said Kremwell.

Still, it may be just what many charities need to improve their
sagging bottom lines -- and their computing environments.

"We've been struggling with the problems of all this Windows
software," said Marjorie Burke, a recently-hired MIS manager for the
United Way charities in Washington, D.C. "We were spending so much
in support that we could not afford to reinvest in better equipment.
But if we can keep close track of all the time we lose from Windows
software, we might eventually be able to purchase some high-end
servers running Mac OS Server -- not NT, of course -- and open our
own ISP."

"Considering the savings these charities will accumulate," said
Irvine, "Microsoft's donation will far outpace that of Apple's."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: MS Barney?

Vince,

Amy and I were in WalMart and we saw this product -- I SWEAR I AM
NOT MAKING THIS UP:

Microsoft Talking Barney.

It was a purple dinosaur plush doll that wouldn't shut up.

If there was ever a stuffed animal begging to be burnt in effigy, is
this not it?

-Steve

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Windows 98 Q&A
By Randy Cassingham <arcie&#64;thisistrue.com>

Question: Will the Microsoft vs. the Government, et al., thing
affect the release of Windows 98?

Answer: No. Microsoft is perfectly capable of slipping schedules
without the help of the Justice Department.

Question: Will it actually come out in 1998?

Answer: Yes, it pretty much has to. Like Windows 95, however,
they'll just start selling a buggy beta version and call that the
release.

Question: When will that happen?

Answer: November.

Question: When will I be able to buy a stable version?

Answer: You won't. You will have to buy a new PC to get the newest
version. Think of it as trading in your car when the ash tray gets
full.

Question: Is it true that the million dollar a day fine is "pocket
change" for Microsoft?

Answer: No. Even Bill Gates doesn't carry that much cash in his
pocket. It is, instead, being paid out of Petty Cash.

Question: Is it true that the Internet Explorer is an integral part
of the Win98 operating system and cannot be removed?

Answer: Yes, but only because Microsoft has disabled the "delete"
key on your keyboard, as well as the "Recycle Bin".

Question: Windows is looking more like Macintosh every day. Why
doesn't Apple Computer do something about it?

Answer: They did: they became a subsidiary of Microsoft.

Question: The Intel-based, Microsoft operating system-run PC has
been a mass consumer product for more than 15 years now. When will
I be able to do some work on my computer without it crashing,
getting fatal errors, and seeing periodically corrupted registries?

Answer: As soon as you remove two things from your computer: the
Intel processor and the Microsoft operating system.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: You Make a Grown Man Cry -- Reprise

With regard to the piece on Microsoft's ad agency selecting Mozart's
Confutatis Maledictus for background music on a Microsoft ad -- maybe
they knew *exactly* what they were doing. Perhaps the designer of the
ad was a Windows 95 user....

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Microsoft's Secret Business Plan

Most software comes in three types: freeware, shareware, and payware.
Microsoft has only two: vapourware and bugware.

Microsoft has three types of products:
  Vapourware -- what they promise
  Bugware -- what they deliver,
  Scamware -- expensive classes covering the information excluded from
             the official documentation, with the goal of rendering
             the purchaser/user certifiable.

At least Microsoft is "investing" in one of its R&D groups*. Intel
continues to have the industry at large perform QA on their chips,
while charging for those same parts.

[Editor's Note: (*) The "R&D group" in which Microsoft is investing
is based in Cupertino, California. In a deal between Steve Jobs (a
wholly-owned subsidiary of Microsoft) and Bill Gates (a wholly-
owned subsidiary of Lucifer Investment Partners, Ltd.), Microsoft
invested roughly $150 million in the Cupertino R&D group. Note that
this is the same group that brought you the Windows(tMS) interface.
Okay, I'll stop now. ;-) </vs>]

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</collage399>


************************

Subject:     Collage 400: GarterGate: The Adventure Continues
Date:        9/13/1998 7:22 PM
Received:    9/13/1998 8:07 PM
From:        HumourNet
To:          The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour

Collage 400              H u m o u r N e t              13 Sep 1998

<announcements>

If you responded to my request for assistance with the HumourNet web
site, please note that I have not yet had a chance to reply. I will
hopefully be following up within the next week or so. Huge *thanks!*
to everyone who replied! :-)

</announcements>

Sorry for the long delay, but HQ HumourNet was busy working with the
Office of the Independent Counsel to complete what is now known as
the "Ken Starr Report." (All of the more amusing parts of the report
appear thanks to me. Without HumourNet's participation, the Ken Starr
report would have been about as interesting as the Clarence Thomas
hearings.)

One of the benefits of being the Official Humour Contractor(tMS) for
the Office of the Independent Counsel is that we have been granted
permission by the Office to reprint the Ken Starr Report in its
entirety. But since HumourNet is a family-oriented mailing list, we
have combed the entire Report, word for word, and removed any and all
passages that might be considered offensive by our readers.

And so, we present to you the "Ken Starr Report: The Expurgated
Version" ...

                          Referral to the
              United States House of Representatives
                           pursuant to
              Title 28, United States Code, S-595(c)

                           Submitted by
              The Office of the Independent Counsel
                        September 9, 1998

    As required by Section 595(c) of Title 28 of the United States
    Code, the Office of the Independent Counsel ("OIC" or "Office")
    hereby submits substantial and credible information that
    President William Jefferson Clinton committed acts that may
    constitute grounds for an impeachment.

    The information reveals that President Clinton:

    [SNIP!]

    "... And then he had the cigar in his hand ..."

    [SNIP!]

                          Conclusion

    This Referral is respectfully submitted on the Ninth day of
    September, 1998.

    ______________________________ 
    Kenneth W. Starr
    Independent Counsel

(We here at HQ HumourNet would like to apologize for the gratuitous
"cigar" reference in the Report. The people responsible for it have
been removed from the OIC contract, and are now writing sitcoms for
the Fox network.)

Okay, so I wasn't *really* contracted by the OIC to add humour to the
Starr Report. (Heck, the Report had enough humour in it without
HumourNet's contribution.) In truth, I downloaded the file from CBS's
Web site. Why is this interesting? Because CBS puts little banner ads
for its shows on every web page. The banner ads rotate -- and when I
arrived at the site, the banner ad that was displayed when I loaded
the "Starr Report" home page was for the show "Touched By An Angel."
On one side, "White House Under Fire: THE STARR REPORT." On the other
side, "Touched By An Angel." Coincidence? YOU decide.

In the interest of fairness, however, I'd also like to summarize the
the White House Counsel's response to the Starr Report:

    "The Office of the Independent Counsel is full of very naughty
    people, and you never should have printed the part about the
    cigar -- but since you did, can we have a copy of the White
    House security videotape?"

    (Paraphrase; not a direct quote.)

And providing the public's perspective on the sordid affairs are the
following HumourNetters ...

Jim Rosenberg, author of "The Daily Monologue," starts us off with
his "White House Asserts New Executive Privileges" (to subscribe to
TDM, send a blank message to <monologue-subscribe&#64;makelist.com>);

Jeffrey in Burke, Virginia, sends along another original piece,
cleverly entitled, "The Ken Starr Report";

Leah H. in Jerusalem, Israel, send us the "Top Ten Things Clinton
Will Do After Impeachment";

Walter P. in Ottawa, Canada (the rest of the world is apparently just
as interested in all the sordid details as the Americans are), tries
to "Wag the Dog";

and Anthony B. in Bay Point, California, finishes our quadcentennial
Collage with "Clinton's Address to the Nation."

Huge thanks to our contributors! Enjoy ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator

____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: White House Asserts New Executive Privileges

By Jim Rosenberg, excerpted from "The Daily Monologue"
<http://www.thewire.org/jim>

(WASHINGTON, JRI) - The White House today, in a far-reaching
initiative with constitutional implications, asserted four new
"Executive Privileges" which it claimed were "inherent" in the
Office of the Presidency and could be found in the letter and the
"penumbras" of the United States Constitution:

Right of First Refusal: Under this right, the President controls and
maintains the right of "Pursuit of Happiness" with all employees of
the Executive branch unless explicitly waived.

If Loving You Is Wrong, I Don't Want To Be Right: Under this right,
the President may pursue intimacy with all employees of the
Executive branch without moral or ethical reprisals related to
promiscuity, predatory behavior, or adultery.

Right Of Razorback: Under this right, Presidents who were formerly
political figures from the State of Arkansas enjoy a continuing
privilege to act like hillbillies who ain't got no sense.

Boys Will Be Boys Privilege: Under this right, male Presidents may
claim Hormonal Immunity from doing what comes naturally.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Ken Starr Report
By Jeffrey W Comer -- An original from Grape Press Publishing.

Here is an excerpt of some of the details in the Ken Starr Report to
Congress on the State of Affairs in the Oval Office. In this summary,
we reproduce selected entries from the diaries ...

-------------

LEWINSKY, 3 Jan 1996. Big day! Oh dear diary, we're going to meet
the President today! I am so excited! I wore my purple frock and
beige blush -- hope that he notices me! Oooh I can't wait to tell
Linda!

CLINTON, 3 Jan 1996. Another rough day -- Gingrich keeps kicking my
butt and now Hillary says Chelsea needs more braces! At least I got
to meet the interns today -- numbers 3, 6, 7, and 9 look foxy.

-------------

LEWINSKY, 24 Feb 1996. I think Bill is beginning to notice me. Today
he had me pick up those papers off the floor six times! What a
kidder! He's so cute when he gets mad! I'm pretty sure it's the
Chanel that does it, he goes wild over it. Linda says he's an old
fart but what does she know?

CLINTON, 24 Feb 1996. More paperwork for the Senate Committees.
Goddamn interns can't even carry the stacks around in the right
order! Gotta see Vernon about getting another job for this one....

-------------

LEWINSKY, 15 Apr 1996. Oh dear diary, Bill asked me to stay late
tonight! It was so wonderful -- he just looked deep into my eyes and
said he could see an ocean in there! Oh he is SO romantic! I wanted
to melt on the floor! He told me I looked like Bette Davis only much
younger and sexier. I think he's dreamy!!!!

CLINTON, 15 Apr 1996. Well finally got the returns done. If Hillary
saw her accountant earlier we wouldn't have to go through this mess.
Watched the late game with the Bulls and the Jazz -- Jordan's
awesome! Gotta have him by.

-------------

LEWINSKY, 9 Aug 1996. Dear Diary, I did something very naughty in
the Oval Office tonight! Hee-hee! It was so FUN but I was SCARED!
Bill said nobody had ever done it before so he showed me how -- it
got a little messy at the end and I had to clean up, but by the time
Hillary got there, it was all cool. Bill told me he loves me and
always will. Oh diary, he's a dream come true!

CLINTON, 9 Aug 1996. Another grueling day with Netanyahu and Arafat
-- man those guys are a pain in the a** sometimes. Went to see the
Orioles and the Yankees, hung out with Tom Clancy. Went home,
finished up paper work, went to bed. Memo to Bettie -- have carpet
steam-cleaned this week.

-------------

LEWINSKY, 14 Sep 1996. Brought by silk necktie from Nordstrom's to
Bill. It is so beautiful, but he wasn't there -- had to give it to
Bettie instead. She said she would leave it on the Oval Office desk
like I asked. Oh diary, he's so much of a MAN!

CLINTON, 14 Sep 1996. Watched Arkansas clobber Florida State; stayed
up late eating nachos and cheese with Jessie Jackson Jr -- he really
doesn't look like his dad after all. Found god-awful tie from
Hillary on bed.

-------------

LEWINSKY, 10 Oct 1996. Bill not in again today, somewhere over in
Maryland. I sat in his desk and played "He loves me, he loves me
not" with all his plants. Final score: He loves me, 21; he loves me
not, 4. Oh diary, I am having Linda's friend book us a trip to
"Couples" in Jamaica!

CLINTON, 10 Oct 1996. Had to see some stupid high school project
over in the sticks. This is Al Gore's job, not mine! God I could use
some barbecue and beer right now. On return, found plant pieces all
over oval office; must speak to Bettie about the gardener.

-------------

LEWINSKY, 14 Dec 1996. Bill had me do something WILD with a cigar
tonight! He is SO COOL diary! I never would have thought to do THAT!
I can't say what it was but it was so MUCH FUN! Hee-hee!!! Oh God I
am so embarrassed!

CLINTON, 14 Dec 1996. Finally got those stogies Madeline has been
promising me from Fidel. Nice aroma ... Smoked a few in the study,
then another one out back where the secret service boys can't find
me. That silly intern came by wanting some too.

-------------

LEWINSKY, 21 Dec 1996. Dear Diary, they revoked my White House pass
-- I don't know why? Was it something I said to Bill? I bet that
BITCH did this!!!!! I'll show HER what-for!! Maybe Linda was right,
I gotta go see her tonight.

CLINTON, 21 Dec 1996. Sent interns home for winter. Can't wait to
meet the next batch on Tuesday.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Top Ten Things Clinton Will Do After Impeachment

10. Spend more quality time with Chelsea and her thirteen
half-brothers and sisters.

9. A tour of the nation's prisons to improve conditions, visit
friends.

8. Step one: appear on "Oprah." Step two: hug Oprah. Step three: all
is forgiven.

7. Attend UFO conventions, show off preserved bodies of aliens he
smuggled out of the Pentagon.

6. Write book: "The American Presidency: An Oral History."

5. Buy a Hooters franchise.

4. Buy a Burger King franchise.

3. Buy a Hooters franchise.

2. Come to grips with the fact that regular people just can't go
around dropping their shorts.

1. Trash the dump before Gore moves in.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Wag the Dog

The biggest question now facing President Clinton is whether he
should get Steven Spielberg or James Cameron to produce the airstrike
on Iraq.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Clinton's Address to the Nation

Text from Clinton's Address to the Nation if he were on truth serum.
10.16 P.m. ET (0216 GMT) August 17, 1998
by Keith Chiles <KChiles&#64;Time-Slice.com>

Good evening.

This afternoon in this room, from this chair, in this very spot, I
was forced to testify before the Office of Independent Counsel and
the grand jury.

I answered their questions truthfully whenever there was compelling
physical evidence that would contradict my lies, including questions
about having sex while watching an intern do kinky things that I now
spin as being part of my private life, questions so embarrassing
that no American citizen would ever want to answer.

Still, the polls indicate that I must take complete responsibility
for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am
speaking to you tonight and not ducking questions while the Marine
Band plays loudly and drowns out the media.

As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about
my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While I, a compulsive liar,
deemed my answers legally accurate, I was not stupid enough to
volunteer any information that might help prove what I did to Paula.

Indeed, I did have a relationship with Ms. Lewinsky that was not
appropriate. In fact, since I got caught, I can see it was wrong. It
constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on
my part to destroy all evidence linking me to the events, for which
I am solely and completely responsible, but for which I refuse to
apologize.

But I told the grand jury today, and I say to you now, that at no
time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence, or to
take any other unlawful action. I was a lawyer before becoming your
President and I know better than to do these things. I have less
important people to do these things whenever I indicate that I would
like to see something go away.

I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave
a false impression, and that is what I intended. How could I know
this thing would spin out of control or that my spin doctors would
be too worn out from the plethora of scandals to be effective.

I misled people, including even my wife. I deeply regret that,
because Hillary is a better lawyer and will clean me out in any
divorce settlement.

I regret misleading my friends because most of them have evidence of
other wrongdoing that may hurt me.

I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a
desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct. I
was also very concerned about protecting myself from my family.

The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically
inspired lawsuit about my tendency to expose my private parts to
women, which my lies and obstruction of justice has since caused to
be dismissed, was a consideration, too. I could not allow the truth
to be known until after the statute of limitations expires.

In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent
counsel investigation that began with private business dealings 20
years ago. Dealings, I might add, about which an independent federal
agency, staffed with my political appointees and friends, found none
of the evidence of wrongdoing by me, or my wife, over two years ago.

The independent counsel investigation has enough evidence of
wrongdoing on my part to move on to my staff and friends, now into
my private life with interns in the oval office. And now the
investigation itself is under investigation, because my very large
staff of lawyers found a gullible judge who is stupid enough to help
me by requiring the independent counsel to prove he didn't leak the
things that we leaked.

This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent
people, and is getting much to close to the evidence I have worked
so hard to conceal. I call upon all of my friends in the sympathetic
media to join with me in stopping this out-of-control situation
before they get enough evidence to impeach me.

Now, this matter is among me, the two people I love most -- my wife
and our daughter -- and our God. I must put it right, and I am
prepared to do whatever it takes to do so. Even the bombing of
terrorist camps that we have known about for ten years.

Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I
intend to reclaim my family life for my family. It's nobody's
business but ours, and the focus groups indicated that there were
enough stupid people to believe this nonsense.

Even presidents have private lives with interns in the oval office.
It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the
prying into my sex addiction and get on with our national life.

My stonewalling and lying has caused this country to be distracted
by this matter for too long, and I take my responsibility for my
part in all of this, even though I did it because of Ken Starr. That
is all I can get away with.

Now it is time -- in fact, it is past time -- to move on. We have
important work to do -- new women to seduce, new interns to chase,
and real terrorist camps to bomb.

And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle I have
created for the past seven months by lying to the American People,
to repair the fabric of our national discourse, to return our
attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next
American century, and to help me shut down the independent counsel
before he closes the trap on me in such a manner that I can no
longer lie my way out of this mess.

Thank you for watching and good night.

All Rights Reserved -- e-mail forwarding with copyright notice only.
Hard Copies must be approved in writing.

********************************************************************
 Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy of the rest of us.
********************************************************************

"HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail
list server from Lyris Technologies, Inc. For more information on
Lyris, see <http://www.lyris.com/>. HumourNet's Web and FTP sites
are hosted by gamerz.net; see <http://www.gamerz.net/>.

To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following
command to <lyris&#64;lyris.net>:

subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country

where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems,
then either (1) send any message to <HumourNet-info&#64;lyris.net> for
a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web
interface at <http://lists.lyris.net/>, or (3) send a *detailed*
description of the problem to <humournet-owner&#64;lyris.net>.

To unsubscribe, (1) forward any HumourNet mailing (or blank message)
to <leave-humournet&#64;lyris.net>, (2) visit Lyris's Web interface at
<http://lists.lyris.net/>, or (3) refer to your Welcome message for
detailed instructions.

For instructions on contributing material to HumourNet, send any
message to <contribution-guidelines&#64;lyris.net>.

>>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors,
not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the
text wherever possible. <<<

The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP:

    Web: <http://www.humournet.com/>
    FTP: <ftp://ftp.humournet.com/pub/HumourNet/Collage.Archives/>

Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that
1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line
containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer,
and 2) no fee is charged.

Also: Be *SURE* to remove the footer (with your e-mail address)
from this message before forwarding it!

There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a
copy of them, send any message to <posting-guidelines&#64;lyris.net>, or
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********************************************************************
    "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
********************************************************************
</collage400>


************************

Subject:     Collage 401: L'Shanah Tova
Date:        9/20/1998 11:19 PM
Received:    9/21/1998 7:03 AM
From:        HumourNet, humournet-bounces&#64;humournet.com
To:          The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour

Collage 401              H u m o u r N e t              20 Sep 1998

I'd like to extend a very Happy New Year to all of our Jewish
subscribers -- as of tonight, we are starting the year 5759 on the
Jewish calendar (which can only be purchased wholesale, mind you).

5759. That's a LOT of years. Just looking at that number makes me
think that we need to go all over the world and round up all of the
most learned Jewish historians (wow, THIS is bound to make them
nervous), and ask them that ONE IMPORTANT QUESTION that is burning
at the forefront of nearly every computer programmer's mind:

"So, how did YOU guys deal with the Y2K problem?"

:-)

And in celebration of the Jewish New Year, tonight's festivities
are brought to us by some of HumourNet's most prominent gefilte
fishermen (and women) ...

Are you a Jew? Ahuva in Jerusalem, Israel, helps you find your
Jewishness with the "Jewish Test." (Those of you who are Jewish-
challenged will probably have some trouble seeing the humour.)

Jane in Atlanta, Georgia, sends us some "Commiseration."

Rahul in Wichita Falls, Texas, brings us the "Jewish Holidays."

Randy Cassingham in Boulder, Colorado (author of "This is True,"
and quite possibly secretly Jewish) sends along "The Great
Debate."

Marv in Budd Lake, New Jersey, brings us a piece that smells an
awful lot like a pun (yuck) with "Blending In."

and Leah in Jerusalem, Israel, finishes this Collage with "Answers
Given By Students To Test Questions On The Bible." (Yes, this is
very similar to a piece that I have previously run, but it's still
very cute.)

A huge thanks and a bottle of Manischewitz to each of our
contributors. :-)

Enjoy! And L'Shanah Tova ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator

____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Jewish Test

1. There are no Jews living in:
   a. sin
   b. El Paso
   c. trailer parks

2. The cleaning lady in a Jewish household is expected to:
   a. do windows
   b. make latkes
   c. attend all bar mitzvahs and weddings

3. To make a good pet for a Jewish child, an animal must be:
   a. gentle
   b. housebroken
   c. stuffed

4. Jews spend their vacations:
   a. sightseeing
   b. sunbathing
   c. discussing where they spent their last vacation and where
      they'll spend the next

5. A Jewish mouth never
   a. lies
   b. closes
   c. contains gold teeth

6. If there's a hairdresser in your immediate family, you are
   a. up on the newest styles
   b. entitled to free haircuts
   c. not Jewish

7. Wilderness means
   a. no running water
   b. no electricity
   c. no hot and sour soup

8. The most popular outdoor sport among Jews is:
   a. jogging
   b. tennis
   c. howling over the neighbors' lawn ornaments

9. Jews never drive
   a. unsafely
   b. on Saturdays
   c. eighteen wheelers

10. A truly unsuitable gift for a Jewish person is
    a. Easter lilies
    b. a crucifix
    c. a Zippo lighter

11. A Jewish skydiver is
    a. careful
    b. insured
    c. an apparition

12. Jews never eat at restaurants that
    a. aren't kosher
    b. cost too much
    c. have paintings for sale

13. No Jewish person in history has ever been known to
    a. become a prostitute
    b. deface a synagogue
    c. remove the back of a TV set

14. There is no such thing as a Jewish
    a. black belt
    b. obscene caller
    c. toll collector

15. Jews never sing
    a. off-key
    b. "Nel Blu di Pinto di Blu"
    c. around a piano bar

16. You won't catch a Jewish person on a
    a. horse
    b. backhoe
    c. toot

17. Jews are ambivalent about
    a. vegetarianism
    b. Jesse Jackson
    c. absolutely nothing

Scoring:  Take 1 point for each "a" answer, 2 for each "b", 3 for
each "c".

39-51: Mazel Tov! You know a lot about Jews. Either you've studied
your loved one's family carefully, out of desire for true closeness
plus your respect for their traditions, or you're from either
Florida or New York. They'll adore you.

29-38: You're not quite there yet, but don't panic. Just remember 
to do everything louder, longer and with a lot more butter than
you're used to.

17-28: Sorry. Better study harder. Or consider getting a divorce and
buying a Nathan's franchise.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Commiseration

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went
to see his Rabbi about it.

"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar
mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last
week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too,
brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me
a fortune, then one day he comes and tells me he has decided to
become a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the lawyer.

"I turned to God for the answer," replied the rabbi.

"And what did he say?"

He said, "Funny you should come to me..."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Jewish Holidays

Adolph Hitler was having terrible nightmares, and so he decided to
go to a fortune teller hoping that the woman could find the source
of his problem. "I am sorry but I am unable to help you solve your
dreams," said the fortune teller, "but I do know that you will die
on a Jewish holiday."

"And which holiday will this be?" he asked.

"It does not matter," she replied. "Any day that you die will be a
Jewish holiday."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Great Debate

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had
to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the
Jewish community.

So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a
member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, they could stay. If
the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle
aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one
addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side
would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite
each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and
showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one
finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.
Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a
wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope
stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can
stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him
what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to
represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to
remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.
Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around
us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was
also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show
that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind
me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I
do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three
days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving.
Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let
him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out
mine."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Blending In

Two bees buzz around what's left of a rose bush. "How was your
summer?" asks bee number one.

"Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. Not enough
flowers, not enough pollen."

The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down to the corner
and hang a left? There's a big bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of
flowers and fruit."

Bee two buzzes "Thanks!" and takes off.

An hour later, the bees bump into each other again. "How was the bar
mitzvah?" asks the info-bee.

"Great!" says buddy-bee.

The first bee peers at his pal and wonders, "What's that on your
head?"

"A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a
wasp."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Answers Given By Students To Test Questions On The Bible

The first book of the Bible is Guinessis.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went
up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.

The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached the UK.

Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to
stand still, and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

King David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived
in the Biblical times.

Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

The Jews were a proud people and, throughout history, they had
trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

[Editor's Note: Leah prefaced this one with, "Okee dokee, how 'bout
*this* one? she asked furiously as she hit the send button before any
other Jewish contributor could beat her to it." Wow, those Israelis
sure are a competitive bunch. </vs>]

********************************************************************
 Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy of the rest of us.
********************************************************************

"HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail
list server from Lyris Technologies, Inc. For more information on
Lyris, see <http://www.lyris.com/>. HumourNet's Web and FTP sites
are hosted by gamerz.net; see <http://www.gamerz.net/>.

To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following
command to <lyris&#64;lyris.net>:

subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country

where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems,
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To unsubscribe, (1) forward any HumourNet mailing (or blank message)
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<http://lists.lyris.net/>, or (3) refer to your Welcome message for
detailed instructions.

For instructions on contributing material to HumourNet, send any
message to <contribution-guidelines&#64;lyris.net>.

>>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors,
not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the
text wherever possible. <<<

The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP:

    Web: <http://www.humournet.com/>
    FTP: <ftp://ftp.humournet.com/pub/HumourNet/Collage.Archives/>

Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that
1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line
containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer,
and 2) no fee is charged.

Also: Be *SURE* to remove the footer (with your e-mail address)
from this message before forwarding it!

There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a
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********************************************************************
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********************************************************************
</collage401>
************************

Subject:     HumourNet: Call Me If You Don't Receive This Message
Date:        8/25/1998 8:45 PM
Received:    8/25/1998 8:55 PM
To:          Autograph Systems

 
Date: Fri, 19 Sep 1997 22:44:43 
From: HumourNet <HumourNet&#64;telephonet.com>
Subject: HumourNet: Call Me If You Don't Receive This Message


Hello, and Welcome to HumourNet!

         *AGAIN* <g>

After what appeared to be a successful start on the new server, I
started receiving lots of "Hey, where are my damned Collages?"
messages. After a brief and rather shoddy investigation, I found
that there was something of a configuration problem with the server;
it turned out that only about 13,000 or so subscribers were actually
*receiving* the mailings.

*sigh*

I immediately considered simply unsubbing everyone else and charging
them the customary unsubscription fee -- until I realized that I'd
get killed by the capital gains tax. So much for capitalism.

Anyway, rumor has it that the problem is now repaired. My apologies
to those who missed such classics as the "UPS" Collage -- complete
with my surprisingly non-controversial comments on Princess Diana.
(The controversy seemed to center on the fact that I appear to be
becoming non-controversial.) I'd love to repost the "missed" Collages
(numbers 368 and 369) but since they are now available on the Web and
FTP sites, I feel it is better to continue to march forward. (See the
Welcome message, below, for information on how to access the list
archives.)

It *is* worth mentioning, however, that many of the messages I
received were pretty darned amusing. Definitely one of the better
ones came from Toby, in the Department of Applied Math at the
University of Colorado:

    Vince, Vince, VINCE, how are you ever going to grow into a
    telecom giant and Bill's main rival with such sloppy
    business practices? I don't remember unsubbing, and I *know*
    I never paid the unsub fee, but I see from the web site that
    I have missed some Collages! Even your auto-subscriber wants
    to pretend that I am still subscribed, saying:

      Sorry, but the email address '::deleted::' is already a
      member of 'humournet'. Because you are already subscribed,
      Lyris did not subscribe you again.

    Now, how will you collect fees if you let people think
    they're off the hook? I demand to be resubbed this instant!

Hey, this is *HumourNet*, Toby -- if it weren't for sloppy business
practices, we wouldn't have any practices at ALL. If this operation
were being run with any reasonable level of professionalism, do you
think we'd need to charge *unsubscription fees* to keep it afloat?

(BTW, Toby, one of the Collages you missed was a "Geek Humour"
collection. One glance at your department, and it's quite clear that
the Geek Collage was intended for you. ;-)

Anyway, I've attached the *re-revised* Welcome message. Yes, this one
is [slightly] different from the one that about 13000 of you received
a few weeks ago, though not quite as amusing. Speaking of which, I
managed to catch quite a few people with the unsubscription fee
comments; we'll be dealing with that topic in greater detail in an
upcoming Collage. <g>

Meanwhile, this is yet another "test" posting. Assuming all goes well
with this one, I should have a "real" posting in the mail by Monday
night.

As always, call me if you don't receive this message. ;-)

(Our newer subscribers are directed to the section in the Welcome
message entitled "LIST POLICY AND CORPORATE KNOWLEDGE" for details
on HumourNet's fee structure and "call me if you don't receive this
message" comments.)

Enjoy HumourNet!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet&#64;telephonet.com

P.S. -- To receive a copy of the Welcome message without this lead-in
text, see the instructions below ...

P.P.S. -- You should keep this message for future reference.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hello, and welcome to HumourNet. This is a moderated list for the
exchange and distribution of humor. The list functions as follows:
List members send humorous contributions (jokes, short stories,
anecdotes, etc.) to the moderator, who compiles them into periodic
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Humournet is a relatively low-volume list, averaging one to two
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This Welcome message contains information on the following topics:

  CONTACT LIST
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  FORWARDING AND POSTING COLLAGES

Please read the information if you run into problems; chances are,
the solution is in here somewhere. If not, then feel free to contact
me at one of the addresses below (please try to use the correct
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Enjoy HumourNet!


CONTACT LIST:

Since there are several addresses at which I can be contacted, and
because they are all used for different purposes, they are summarized
here, right at the top of the message -- you can simply refer to this
list when trying to contact me:

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Other important addresses and URLs:

server address (for commands): lyris&#64;lyris.net
Lyris (server) Web interface:  <http://www.lyris.net/>
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The following addresses are HumourNet autoresponders on the Lyris server;
send a blank e-mail to each address for information on that topic:

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HumourNet is being hosted on a Lyris server -- so the subscription
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There are several ways to subscribe to HumourNet (even though you're
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Click on "HumourNet" and follow the instructions to set yourself to
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A note regarding the server on which HumourNet is hosted:

LYRIS: As I mentioned, HumourNet is hosted on a Lyris server. I've run
lists on five different types of list servers (including the "big three":
LISTSERV, ListProc, and Majordomo), and Lyris is a remarkable improvement
over all of them -- including LISTSERV. Even better, its "entry level"
version is free. For more information: <http://www.lyris.com/>. Note that
I have no financial affiliation with Lyris; I just like the server a LOT.
:-)


E-MAIL PRIVACY:

We take your privacy seriously here at HQ HumourNet: The subscriber
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Note: Please ensure that all submissions fit the HumourNet List Motif;
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---Bawdy.Net:

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message, and don't include the quotes) to the Bawdy.Net moderator at:
<sking&#64;KingInfoMedia.com>. WARNING: Bawdy.Net carries material that is
often very graphic and/or explicit; it is ONLY suited and intended for
adults! DO NOT subscribe if you are under age (or easily offended).

---This-is-True:

While we're speaking of other lists, I highly recommend looking into
Randy Cassingham's "This is True" list. It is low volume (one mailing
every two weeks) and high humor as Randy takes a critical look at
recent outlandish news stories from local and international media; each
story segment is punctuated by Randy's trademark acerbic wit. For more
information, send a blank e-mail to "TrueInfo&#64;Freecom.com", or point
your favorite browser at <http://www.freecom.com/>.


CONTRIBUTIONS, Version 2: (It's not what you think -- please read!)

I volunteer my time to run this list; I receive no compensation for
it except knowing that people are enjoying the material I present.
However, if you find that you enjoy HumourNet, and you appreciate
the time that goes into producing it, then please consider sending
a contribution in the name of "HumourNet Communications, Ltd." to
The Seeing Eye in Morristown, New Jersey:

              The Seeing Eye, Inc.
              Washington Valley Road
              Morristown NJ USA 07960

              Phone: 201-539-4425
              POC: Rosemary Carroll

(You can visit their home page at <http://www.seeingeye.org/>)

In case you're not already familiar with them, The Seeing Eye is a
guide dog school -- that is, they train dog guides for the blind.
This is a rather non-controversial charitable organization, and one
that is of great personal interest and importance to me. Please note
that I have no direct association with The Seeing Eye, except that I
make regular contributions to them.

I'd appreciate your letting me know if you send a contribution; note
that this is strictly voluntary, and I'm not interested in the amount.
You can just send me an e-mail here at HQ HumourNet to let me know. 


LIST POLICY AND CORPORATE KNOWLEDGE:

1. List Policy (it's simple):

i. Unrelated mail: Please do not EVER send non-HumourNet-related mail
to the moderator. This includes chain letters (of ANY sort, unless they
are humorous and are being sent solely as a humorous submission to the
list), "snowball fights," virus alerts, requests for assistance that are
not related to HumourNet, commercial messages ("spam"), etc. Anyone who
violates this request will be immediately unsubscribed.

ii. Submissions to the list which are GROSSLY not in accordance with the
submission guidelines will generally cause that subscriber to lose his
posting privileges. (That is, all future submissions will be rejected.)

2. HumourNet Corporate Knowledge (these are HumourNet 'inside jokes' that
appear on the list from time to time):

i. SUBSCRIPTION and UNSUBSCRIPTION FEES: Contrary to anything you might
see on the list or in "official" HumourNet documentation, THERE ARE *NO*
FEES WHATSOEVER ASSOCIATED WITH HUMOURNET! I'll say this slowly: There is
no cost to subscribe, unsubscribe, or remain a member of this list. You
will sometimes see references to "unsubscription fees"; HumourNet was the
originator of the "unsubscription fee" concept, having pioneered the idea
back in August '96. For more information on unsubscription fees, refer to
Collage 290 and/or read the "Much Ado About Unsubscription Fees" page:

   <http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/HumourNet/Unsub_Fee.html>

ii. "Call me if you don't receive this message": Refer to Collage 262 for
details on this.

iii. The Three Levels of Stupidity: You will see references from time to
time about "Level II" (or I or III) stupidity; refer to Collage 301 and/or
Collage 357 for more information on the Levels of Stupidity. (You will
also see the term "Intellectual Proletariat" used; this refers to anyone
who scores at least Level II on the Stupidity Meter.)

iv. "(tMS)": This is HumourNet's trademarked version of the trademark
symbol, as required by Microsoft ever since they trademarked the original
symbol. See Collage 356 for details.

v. Everything else. HumourNet has been on the 'Net since 1995; as such,
there is a lot of history in this list -- more than I can reasonably
include in a Welcome message. I've covered the important information; I
strongly recommend perusing the archives if you are interested in
familiarizing yourself with the entire history of the list.

Finally, note that we *do* pick on Microsoft around here. HumourNet is
developed and managed on Macintosh computers, and comes to you via Solaris
(Sun's version of Unix for their workstations). As such, HumourNet is very
Unix and Mac oriented. Remember, we're just having fun here; there's no
need to get upset about light-hearted jabs at HQ Wintel(tMS).


ACCESSING THE ARCHIVES:

Back Collages (previous issues) can be retrieved via FTP or HTTP from
"Elycion": (Note that capitalization must be exactly as shown)

Web Pages:           <http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/>
FTP Archives:        <ftp://humournet.com/pub/HumourNet>

To log into the FTP server, enter ANONYMOUS for your username, and
use your e-mail address as your password.

(BTW, I would like to extend a sincere "Thank you!" to Alan Skelley
and Tory Braybrook at the Univ. of Alberta (Canada) for providing
HumourNet's FTP and Web services.)

If you don't have FTP or Web access, but would still like to retrieve
back issues, you can use FTPmail. For instructions on using FTPmail to
access the HumourNet archives, send a blank e-mail to HumourNet's
autoresponder on Lyris: <humournet-archives&#64;lyris.net>.


FORWARDING AND POSTING COLLAGES:

1. Whenever possible, forward the Collage in its entirety, from the
first line (containing the Collage number and date) through the end
of the trailer, with the [optional] exception of any lines between
<announcements> tags.

2. If you are posting the Collage on a newsgroup, BBS, formal mailing
list, FTP server, etc., PLEASE *POST* THE COLLAGE IN ITS ENTIRETY (per
#1, above). Also, please observe the posting guidelines for all forums;
if a HumourNet Collage would not be appreciated there, then please do not
post it. We want to be good netizens wherever we go on the 'Net.

3. If you are forwarding the Collage to an informal/personal mailing
list, PLEASE *FORWARD* THE COLLAGE IN ITS ENTIRETY (per #1, above).

4. If you are *manually* forwarding a Collage, and it is not appropriate
to forward it intact, you may forward it per the following guidelines:

   i. Retain the first line of the Collage (the one that shows the
   Collage number and date).

   ii. Insert the portion you wish to forward.

   iii. Retain the first three lines of the subscription instructions
   in the trailer; this identifies HumourNet and provides information
   for subscribing.

   iv. IF YOU FORWARD AN OPENER: The opener *must* be forwarded intact,
   from the first line (Collage number & date) through *and including*
   the copyright statement, except for any lines between <announcements>
   tags. Additionally, the first three lines of trailer information
   (identification/subscription) must be included. The opener is the only
   *copyrighted* part of the Collage, and I would like to exercise some 
   level of control over its circulation format.

Thus, if you were to forward the "Iraqi Pilots" joke from Collage 241, it
would be formatted as follows:

--------------
Collage 241           H u m o u r N e t           27 MAR 96

SUBJ: More on Iraqi Pilots

Q: What's the difference between American pilots and Iraqi pilots?
A: American pilots break ground and fly into the wind.

********************************************************************
To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following
command to lyris&#64;lyris.net:

subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country
--------------

I realize that these guidelines are somewhat restrictive (though they
are not as complex as they appear), but they help to ensure that I
receive a reasonable amount of credit for the work that I put in here.
That's not too much to ask, is it? (If it is, please contact me at
HumourNet&#64;telephonet.com; I am always open to discussion. Plus, that's
how the guidelines got relaxed in the first place.)

Finally, note that I regularly include subscriber correspondence in the
material that I post to the list. ANYTHING that is sent to me at any of my
HumourNet-related addresses is fair game for posting, unless specifically
stated otherwise in the message! Please do not send me anything that you
wouldn't want distributed to tens of thousands of people worldwide. <g>

Welcome aboard!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet&#64;telephonet.com

HumourNet:
  Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us

--
end