15 Messages Date: Mon, 24 Nov 1997 22:42:06 From: HumourNet Subject: Collage 378: Collage 001 Collage 378 H u m o u r N e t 25 Nov 1997 It was a dark and stormy night. (Okay, so it was a bright sunny day. It's cliche either way, and "dark and stormy" simply works better with this subject matter.) I was working late at the office, moving some files from one computer to another, deleting other files -- just generally "cleaning up." It was then that I found it. It was a very important file. It was "The Most Treasured File Of All." It was a mailbox. And, in the best tradition of (and with humble deference to) those paragons of British humour, Monty Python, the mailbox was aptly named, "Humour." I flipped open the mailbox. I read through old mail messages dating back, in some cases *years*. It was all archived, right there, right there in *my* mailbox, right there on a United States Government(tMS) computer. Proof that I had been misusing government equipment for the storage of unofficial information. Waste, fraud, and/or abuse. Oh, dear god. Always being one to "spread the wealth" (read: waste, fraud, and abuse), I collected together some of the better messages and sent them out to some friends, along with a short note stating that I was cleaning out my "Humour" mailbox, and that I hoped that they enjoyed the material. As it turned out, all of the messages that I gathered together on that dark and stormy night -- all of the best selections of waste, fraud and abuse that I could find -- were of a single theme: Aeronautical humour. And so was Collage Number One(tMS) born. That was three years ago today. A good deal of the material from Collage 001 continues to be submitted to me pretty regularly here at HQ HumourNet -- so I decided to re-run Collage 001 for our three-year anniversary. You'll note that the format is pretty raw compared to the highly- homogenized postings that you see now. There are no "SUBJ" lines, no attributions, and there was originally no cutesie trailer with tons of useful information about the mailing list. There *was no* mailing list. There was just (all together now) waste, fraud, and abuse. Especially abuse. Collage 001 is presented to you in its full, unedited glory -- save that trailers are now standard on all HumourNet Collages. Even the original opener follows this opener. I *did* put in the "standard" HumourNet delimiters -- but I resisted the urge to change the "Delta Air Lines" piece to read "AirTran -- Formerly ValuJet." Most of the material is from John Darling in New Jersey, one of the Fab Five(tMS) original HumourNetters. (And the guy who, about a year ago, responded to a Microsoft Humour Collage by saying, "If you run another one of those, I'll unsubscribe." To which I responded, "No problem; I'll just resubscribe you." Even FRIENDS don't skate on the unsubscription fee around here ...) Hope you guys find this stuff amusing ... If not, blame John. :-) - Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator ____________________________________________________________________ Opener (above) Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message. ____________________________________________________________________ Hi, Folks! Clearing out the "aero" humor. Hope you guys find this stuff amusing ... If not, blame John. :-) - Vince ================= THE PARACHUTE PARADIGM: You are one of *two* people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react? Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway. Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before. Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute. Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions. Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline. Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment. Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too. Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings. Advertiser: you strip-tease while singing that what they need is a neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99. Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss. Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked. Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases. Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists. English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions. Comparative Literature: you read the parachute instructions in all four languages. Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could. Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute. Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of. Drama: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute. Art: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it. Republican: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard and not expect handouts. Democrat: you ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can cut the parachute into two equal pieces. Libertarian: after reminding them of their constitutional right to have a parachute, you take it and jump out. National Rifle Association: you shoot them and take the parachute. Police Bigot: you beat them unconscious with the parachute. Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable. Objectivist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute, as the free market will take care of the other person. Branch Davidian (David Koresh): you get inside the parachute and refuse to come out. Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash. Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine. Ross Perot: you tell them not to worry, since it won't take you long to learn how to fix a plane. Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health. Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown no link whatsoever between airplane crashes and death. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot, but she keeps denying it--until finally the husband just knew when his wife said: "Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair ..." ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= This CFI and his Student are holding on the runway for departing cross traffic when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops in the middle of the runway, and just stands there looking at them. Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off. Std: "What should I do? What should I do?" Inst: "What do you think you should do?" (think-think-think) Std: "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away." Inst: "That's a good idea." (Taxis toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.) Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN. Std: "What should I do? What should I do?" Inst: "What do you think you should do?" (think-think-think) Std: "Maybe I should tell the tower." Inst: "That's a good idea." Std: Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway. (long pause) Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runawy NN cleared for immediate departure. (Two seconds, and then--I presume by coincidence--the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.) Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer. It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= Santa Claus, upon trudging out to his sleigh for his annual night freight trip around the world, was surprised to find a guy with a shotgun standing next to his rig. Santa asked him why he was there. The man replied, "I'm from the FAA, and this is an unscheduled 135 inspection. I'll ride right seat." Santa responded, "With all due respect, sir, I've been doing this flight for over 700 years -- but if you insist, well, let's go." As they both climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that the FAA inspector brought his shotgun along with him, placing it in his lap, with his finger on the trigger. Santa asked, "What's the shotgun for?" To which the FAA inspector grumbled, "You're going to lose two on takeoff..." ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= A true story (from the latest edition of Australian Aviation magazine): After a particularly lousy landing by the co-pilot of an Australian commercial airline, that co-pilot heard the Captain announce "Ladies and Gentlemen, XXX airlines wishes to apologise for that rough landing provided today by our first officer". Some months later the same crew were together and, you guessed it, the Captain did an even worse one. The First Officer immediately jumped on the intercom announcing "Ladies and Gentlemen, XXX airlines wishes to apologise for that rough landing provided today by our Captain". The Captain immediately responded angrily, "What did you say that for?". The First Officer replied "Remember a couple of months back? I owed it to you!". "But I never keyed the mike!" responded the Captain. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= "The Top 15 Advertising Slogans for Delta Air Lines:" 1. Delta: We're Amtrak with wings. 2. Join our frequent near-miss program. 3. Ask about our out-of-court settlements. 4. Noisy engines? We'll turn 'em off! 5. Complimentary champagne in free-fall. 6. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you. 7. The kids will love our inflatable slides. 8. You think it's so easy, get your own damm plane! 9. Delta: Our pilots are terminally ill and have nothing to lose. 10. Delta: We might be landing on your street! 11. Delta: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us. 12. Bring a bathing suit. 13. So that's what these buttons do! 14. Delta: A real man lands where he wants to. 15. Delta: We never make the same mistake three times. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= Purportedly real, but I didn't hear it myself ... (Transmission as a DC-10 rolls out long after a fast landing...) San Jose Tower: American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= (Heard on the radio - _really_) Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel." Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!" Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is." ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= (This one really happened - the FE was suspended:) On some air carrier operations, a video camera was installed in the cockpit so that passengers could watch the pilot land the plane. On one flight, the FE decided to have some fun with the passengers and purchased part of a gorilla costume; more specifically, just the left arm. When the plane came in to land, the camera was turned on, and the FE had his gorilla arm on. Since from the position of the camera all you could see of the FE was his left arm, whenever he went to reach up and flip (a) switch(es), all the video showed was a hairy arm! So the passengers were given the illusion that a monkey (or whatever their imagination wished to conjure) was operating some of the controls!!! ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= This story was told to me by a friend who "swore" he heard it on an IFR flight in Germany. It seems a "good ol' boy" American (Texas-sounding) AF C-130 reserve pilot was in the (that day very crowded) instrument pattern for landing at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something like this: Cont: "AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots." Pilot: "Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fur ya." Cont (a few moments later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1 1/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots." Pilot: "AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots" Cont: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots" Pilot (a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?" Cont: "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you." ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= Tower: "12345, are you a Cessna?" 12345: "No....I am a male hispanic." ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, aircraft on runway." Solo Student Pilot: "Roger" (Continues descent.) Tower: "Aircraft, GO AROUND" Student: "Roger" (Continues descent.) Tower: (Screaming) "AIRCRAFT, GO AROUND!!" Student: "Roger" (Continues descent.) So, the student pilot plunks his airplane down on the numbers, taxies up to where the twin is sitting in the middle of the runway, GOES AROUND it, and continues on to the taxiway. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= JUSTICE PREVAILS Finally, you'll recall Apple once had a computer code-named "Carl Sagan." When the Cosmos guy heard about this, rather than being flat- tered he demanded they change the code name, which they did, to "BHA." When Sagan learned that BHA stood for Butt-Head Astronomer, he sued Apple for libel. Well, Judge J. Baird of the U.S. District Court for Central California has thrown out the case, writing in his opin- ion, "One does not seriously attack the expertise of a scientist using the unde- fined phrase 'butt-head'." Ah, the old undefined phrase trick. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= M M DDDD ll ll MM MM D D l l M M M M D D l l M M M ccc D D ooo n nn n nn eee l l M M c D D o o nn n nn n e e l l M M c D D o o n n n n eeeee l l M M c D D o o n n n n e l l M M ccc DDDD ooo n n n n eee lll lll DDDD ll D D l D D l aaa D D ooo u u ggg l a ssss D D o o u u g g l aa a s D D o o u u g g l a aa sss D D o o u uu g gg l a a s DDDD ooo uu u gg g lll aaa a ssss g ggg AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES Important! Important! Important! Important! Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase. Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires. 1. _Mr. _Mrs. _Ms. _Miss _Lt. _Gen. _Comrade _Classified _Other First Name____________________Initial____Last Name_________________________ Latitude________________________Longitude__________________________________ Altitude________________________Password, Code Name, Etc.__________________ 2. Which model aircraft did you purchase? _F-14 Tomcat _F-15 Eagle _F-16 Falcon _F-117A Stealth _Classified 3. Date of purchase: Month___________Day___________Year____________ 4. Serial Number____________________ 5. Please check where this product was purchased: _Received as Gift/Aid Package _Catalog Showroom _Sleazy Arms Broker _Mail Order _Discount Store _Government Surplus _Classified 6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased: _Heard loud noise, looked up _Store Display _Espionage _Recommended by friend/relative/ally _Political lobbying by Manufacturer _Was attacked by one 7. Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product: _Style/Appearance _Kickback/Bribe _Recommended by salesperson _Speed/Maneuverability _Comfort/Convenience _McDonnell Douglas Reputation _Advanced Weapons Systems _Price/Value _Back-Room Politics _Negative experience opposing one in combat 8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used: _North America _Central/South America _Aircraft Carrier _Europe _Middle East _Africa _Asia/Far East _Misc. Third-World Countries _Classified 9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to purchase in the near future: Product Own Intend to purchase Color TV VCR ICBM Hunter-Killer Satellite CD Player Air-to-Air Missiles Space Shuttle Home Computer Nuclear Weapon 10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? Check all that apply: _Communist/Socialist _Terrorist _Crazed (Islamic) _Crazed (Other) _Neutral _Democratic _Dictatorship _Corrupt (Latin American) _Corrupt (Other) _Primitive/Tribal 11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product? _Cash _Suitcases of Cocaine _Oil Revenues _Deficit Spending _Personal Check _Credit Card _Ransom Money _Traveler's Check 12. Occupation You Your Spouse Homemaker Sales/Marketing Revolutionary Clerical Mercenary Tyrant Middle Management Eccentric Billionaire Defense Minister/General Retired Student 13. To help us understand our Customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis: Activity/Interest You Your Spouse Golf Boating/Sailing Sabotage Running/Jogging Propaganda/Disinformation Destabilizing/Overthrow Default on Loans Gardening Crafts Black Market/Smuggling Collectibles/Collections Watching Sports on TV Wines Interrogation/Torture Household Pets Crushing Rebellions Espionage/Reconnaissance Fashion Clothing Border Disputes Mutually Assured Destruction Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future -- as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to: McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION Marketing Department Military Aerospace Division P.O. Box 800 St. Louis, MO 55500 ******************************************************************** Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us. ******************************************************************** "HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail list server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more information on Lyris, see . To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following command to : subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems, then either (1) send any message to for a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web interface at , or (3) send a *detailed* description of the problem to . To unsubscribe, visit our Web interface at , forward any HumourNet posting to , or see to your Welcome message for detailed instructions. For instructions on contributing to HumourNet, send any message to . >>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors, not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the text wherever possible. <<< The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP: Web: FTP: Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that 1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer, and 2) no fee is charged. Also: Be *SURE* to remove the footer (with your e-mail address) from this message before forwarding it! There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a copy of them, send any message to , or refer to your Welcome message. ******************************************************************** "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd. ******************************************************************** ************************ Subject: Collage 389: Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame Date: 3/11/1998 2:58 AM Received: 3/11/1998 7:33 AM From: HumourNet To: The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour Collage 389 H u m o u r N e t 11 Mar 1998 On Friday, 6 March 1998, HumourNet was featured on "What's Funny on the Internet Today." (It is truly amazing what people will do for five dollars these days. Not to say that the judges at WFIT are *corrupt*, mind you. I mean, "corrupt" is such a strong word. I prefer to refer to them as "businessmen.") So, be sure to check out our brief moment in the shade ... After all, I'd hate to have wasted the five bucks for nothing. Due to technical problems at HQ HumourNet, there is no "opener" for today's Collage. But the subject matter really needs no opener; it's a regular here on HumourNet, and certainly stands tall on its own. Welcome, once again, to the "Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame." (BTW, the Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame is A HumourNet Original(tm), just like the "Unsubscription Fee," and that ever-popular on-line game, "Guess Who Bill Murdered THIS Week?!" :-) Starting things off is Rondal in New York City, with "The Importance of Not Being Seen -- Take One"; Barry in Bowling Green, Kentucky, follows up with, "The Importance of Not Being Seen -- Take Two"; John S. in Atlanta, Georgia, continues the theme with -- you guessed it -- "The Importance of Not Being Seen -- Take Three"; and Randy Cassingham of Boulder, Colorado -- author of "This is True" -- brings us a double whammy with "The Importance of Not Being Seen -- Take Four" and "Make A Getaway In Your Chevrolet"; Robert in Freeport, Texas, sends along the piece entitled, "I'll Take Door Number Three for Twenty-Five-to-Life, Please"; Rick in Bakersfield, God-knows-where, submits "At Least He Recognized His Station in Life"; Dave H. in Ames, Iowa, takes credit for [submitting -- not the crime] "Know Your Target -- Take One"; Gerrit in Kruibeke-Bazel, Belgium, brings us "Know Your Target -- Take Two"; and Mark B in the United Kingdom closes out this edition of the Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame with "Hooked on Grand Larceny." Many thanks to all our contributors! Enjoy ... - Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator ____________________________________________________________________ Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message. ____________________________________________________________________ SUBJ: The Importance of Not Being Seen -- Take One NY Times, Monday, August 25, 1997 -- Alwyn Green of Jersey City, New Jersey, was arrested late Saturday night in Flatlands, Brooklyn. The suspected drug dealer phoned in a fake report of a police officer needing assistance, which served only to call attention to himself and the pound and a half of cocaine he had. According to police, Green reported an officer in trouble on East 36th Street. Officers who answered the call quickly realized that the report was false. When they learned that the call came from a telephone at Ryder and Flatlands Avenues, three blocks away, Sgt. Stephen Bruno and four other officers from the 63d Precinct headed there, and saw Mr. Green talking on a pay phone and holding a shopping bag. Seeing the police approach, Mr. Green hung up the phone and walked away, leaving the shopping bag behind, a police spokeswoman said. When the officers looked in the bag, which held cocaine, Mr. Green started running but was caught a block away. Mr. Green was also holding a knapsack that contained cocaine, the police said. The charges against him include reporting a false incident and criminal possession of drugs with intent to sell. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: The Importance of Not Being Seen -- Take Two Excerpted from the Daily News (Bowling Green, KY), July 1997 Army Pvt. Daniel Christian Bowden was arrested at the Fort Belvoir Federal Credit Union in Fort Belvoir, Virginia, after a teller thought she recognized him as the man who robbed the bank several weeks earlier, according to an affidavit filed Tuesday. The robber did not wear a mask. Bowden told the teller he wanted to wire $2,900 to Texas and pushed a pile of cash across the counter to be deposited in his account, according to the affidavit. The bills' serial numbers matched a list of the $4,759 taken in the robbery, so the teller called military police. Bowden is a military police officer who had undergone training on handling bank robberies, law enforcement officials said. He is also a suspect in the May 12 robbery of another northern Virginia bank." ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: The Importance of Not Being Seen -- Take Three A guy in Conyers, Georgia, apparently "stole" his own Mercedes. He hid the car in his basement and then told the police that it had been stolen. The goal, apparently, was insurance fraud. However, he apparently forgot that his Benz was equipped with Lojak. The police activated the device and tracked the car to the man's basement. He has been arrested. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: The Importance of Not Being Seen -- Take Four Wed, 10 Dec 1997 18:11:27 PST MIAMI BEACH (Reuters) - Miami Beach resident Todd Boucino was arrested by a posse of police officers after bungling an attempt at robbing a NationsBank branch on Washington Avenue -- just down the road from a precinct station. According to police spokesman Al Boza, Boucino walked into the bank, simulated carrying a concealed weapon, and told a teller "give me all the money." The teller fled, and Boucino helped himself to the cash. Just outside, a passing off-duty police officer heard the commotion and put out the alert. Running out of the bank, Boucino frantically tried to flag down a taxi but the driver, seeing bystanders gesturing in the background, refused to take him. As Boucino fled, he was "chased literally by a parade of officers ... I was one of them," Boza said. One cop having a snack in a diner joined in. The alleged robber managed to stop a cab in another street, but the chasing police officers caught him as he climbed in. They recovered the money; Boucino was charged with armed robbery. "This was an exercise in how not to rob a bank. He got the wrong day," Boza said. [Editor's Note: Sounds like he got the wrong line of work. ] ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: I'll Take Door Number Three for Twenty-Five-to-Life, Please Inmate and would-be escapee Mark Conover had his choice of three doors when he made his break for freedom. He chose the wrong door. Upset that a Harris County, Texas, judge had revoked his bail for showing up late to court, Conover made a run for it. The inmate ran down a hallway connecting two misdemeanor courts, with deputies in hot pursuit. He passed the door to the stairwell. He passed the door to a courtroom. He chose door No. 3 -- the door that led to a prisoner holdover cell. "He was embarrassed," Baliff Toby Devine said. Conover, who was in court on a misdemeanor charge of driving with a suspended license, was apprehended and now faces felony escape charges. Because he is a habitual criminal, Conover's short-lived quest for freedom may prove very expensive. If convicted, his failed escape attempt could lead to a minimum of 25 years in prison. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: At Least He Recognized His Station in Life At the Lancaster State Prison, an inmate had an insightful means of escape. He hid himself in a garbage dumpster knowing that in the morning, he would be dumped into a garbage truck, would be hauled to the local landfill, and walk away. He WAS found at the local landfill with nearly every bone in his body broken. He won't walk again for quite a while... ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Know Your Target -- Take One Excerpted from the Des Moines Register, Tuesday, 18 November 1997 An employee of McDonald's Restaurant [in Des Moines] was mugged late Sunday as he took a bucket of grease outside to dump in a container. Donald L. Skelton, 64, was cut with a knife, but his injuries were listed as minor. Des Moines police said Skelton walked outside about 11:35 p.m. After dumping the grease, he turned to walk back into the building and was confronted by two men demanding money. One of them carried a shotgun or rifle, and the other carried a knife. Skelton told police he grabbed the man with the knife and started to swing the grease bucket at him. He was able to get away, but suffered cuts on his neck and left hand. "No arrests were reported." ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Know Your Target -- Take Two A bunch of not-so-smart bank robbers have blown up a sort of ATM machine in Sint-Jans-Molenbeek, a small village in Belgium near Brussels. There was a lot of damage done to the bank as well as to houses in the neighbourhood, but the bank robbers didn't get a lot of money. It seems that the machine they blew up was a dispenser of account statements instead of a money dispenser. [Editor's Note: Gerrit adds, "For those who can read dutch: ." ] ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Hooked on Grand Larceny Heard on BBC Radio 2, 2nd Jan 1998 Two men were arrested for burglary recently on videotaped evidence. Police had raided the home of one of the men (on an unrelated matter) and were surprised to discover that the man a video library, featuring a tape onto which he had recorded (videotaped) the crimes of himself and his colleague, edited crimes together and added incidental music. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Make A Getaway In Your Chevrolet Excerpted from "This is True," . Copyright 1997, Randy Cassingham; used with permission of the author. Heather Beckwith, 18; Curtis Johnson, 19; Michael Guilbault, 19; and Justin Lowery, 17, were driving around Raleigh, N.C., looking for just the right place to rob, prosecutors say. Once they chose a spot, Beckwith and Johnson hid the car in a dark spot while Guilbault and Lowery went into the store. When they came out, they found Beckwith and Johnson in the getaway car, in the dark, with the doors locked, "steaming up the windows," Assistant DA Jeffrey Cruden said. They told Guilbault and Lowery to "be patient." Once the couple "completed the act" they unlocked the doors. By then, witnesses had a good description of the car and the four were arrested. Johnson and Lowery have been charged with robbery and await trial. Guilbault has pleaded guilty to robbery; and Beckwith has pleaded guilty to being an accessory after the fact. (Raleigh News and Observer) ...That's not what I meant when I said "Let's hit the Quickie Mart." ******************************************************************** Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us. ******************************************************************** "HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail list server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more information on Lyris, see . To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following command to : subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems, then either (1) send any message to for a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web interface at , or (3) send a *detailed* description of the problem to . To unsubscribe, visit our Web interface at , forward any HumourNet posting to , or see to your Welcome message for detailed instructions. For instructions on contributing to HumourNet, send any message to . >>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors, not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the text wherever possible. <<< The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP: Web: FTP: Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that 1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer, and 2) no fee is charged. Also: Be *SURE* to remove the footer (with your e-mail address) from this message before forwarding it! There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a copy of them, send any message to , or refer to your Welcome message. ******************************************************************** "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd. ******************************************************************** ************************ Subject: Collage 390: More Kiddie Date: 3/16/1998 1:56 AM Received: 3/16/1998 7:33 AM From: HumourNet To: The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour Collage 390 H u m o u r N e t 16 Mar 1998 Yet another opener-less Collage; sorry! It's especially sad, since there is so much great kiddie material running around -- but it's either no opener or no Collage. And so ... David in Sunnyvale, California, starts us off with, "The Home Physics Laboratory"; Daniel in Walpole, Massachusetts brings us a suggestion for "Effective Child Rearing"; Danielle in Raleigh, North Carolina, takes credit for "Just Another Toy"; Loretta (a.k.a. "The Olde Broad") in Branchburg, New Jersey, sends along the "Thanksgiving Cookbook"; J.D. in South Plainfield, New Jersey, submits "Accomplice"; and Randy M. in Herndon, Virginia (and a co-listmom on one of the discussion lists that I run) brings us "Jack Handy -- Kids' Redux." (Apologies for the lengths of two pieces in this Collage: "Jack Handy -- Kids' Redux" and "Thanksgiving Cookbook." Believe it or not, I trimmed both of them down a bit for this Collage.) Huge thanks to our contributors! Enjoy ... - Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator ____________________________________________________________________ Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message. ____________________________________________________________________ SUBJ: The Home Physics Laboratory Frogs can survive the washing machine but don't do well in the dryer. Frog bits will never come out of dried clothes. Throw them away before they stink up the whole house. Ditto snakes. Mascara on cat whiskers makes really cool wavey lines on anything onto which he tries to rub it off. They do not come off of paint. Boys can jump off a two story high roof and break nothing but mom will be on tranquilizers for at least a week. If you stick a lighter into the sprinkler head in the bathroom, the sprinklers will go off in the entire loft. It takes 5 minutes to raise the level of water to the point where the downstairs neighbor is also getting flooded. Long-haired dogs hate Epilady. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Effective Child Rearing "Make sure your children understand what 'death' means. It is then much more effective when you threaten them with it." ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Just Another Toy A few years ago, my then 3-year-old brother visited with me during my freshman year in college. We went over to the music building and I played the piano for him. After I played a few songs, he jumped down from the bench, walked all the way around the piano and looked underneath. I asked what he was looking for and he said, "Where do the batteries go in this thing?" ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Thanksgiving Cookbook (The Abridged Version) by Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten Class NOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be responsible for medical bills resulting from use of her class's cookbook Ivette -- Banana Pie: You buy some bananas and crust. Then you mash them up and put them in the pie. Then you eat it. Russell -- Turkey You cut the turkey up and put it in the oven for ten minutes and 300 degrees. You put gravy on it and eat it. Geremy -- Turkey You buy the turkey and take the paper off. Then you put it in the refrigerator and take it back out and cut it with a knife and make sure all the wires are out and take out the neck and heart. Then you put it in a big pan and cook it for half an hour at 80 degrees. Then you invite people over and eat. Andrew -- Pizza Buy some dough, some cheese and pepperoni. Then you cook it for 10 hours at 5 degrees. Then you eat it. Shelby -- Applesauce Go to the store and buy some apples, and then you squish them up. Then you put them in a jar that says, "Applesauce." Then you eat it. Meghan H. -- Turkey You cut it into 16 pieces and then you leave it in the oven for 15 minutes and 4 degrees. you take it out and let it cool and then after 5 minutes, then you eat it. Danny -- Turkey You put some salt on it to make it taste good. Then you put it in the oven. Then you cook it for an hour at 5 degrees. Then you eat it. Brandon -- Turkey First you buy it at Fred Meyer. Then you cut it up and cook it for 15 hours at 200 degrees. Then you take it out and eat it. Megan K -- Chicken You put it in the oven for 25 minutes and 25 degrees and put gravy on it and eat it. Christa -- Cookies Buy some dough and smash it and cut them out. Then put them in the oven for 2 hours at 100 degrees. Then take them out and dry them off. Then it's time to eat them. Irene -- Turkey Put it on a plate and put it in the oven with gravy. You cook it for 1 minute and for 100 degrees. Then it's all cooked. Your mom or dad cuts it and then eat. Moriah -- Turkey First you cut the bones out. Then you put it in the oven for 10 hours at 600 degrees. Then you put it on the table and eat it. Jordyn -- Turkey First you have to cut it up and put it on a plate in the oven for 9 minutes and 18 degrees. Then you dig it out of the oven and eat it. Grace -- Turkey First you add some salt. Then you put it in a bowl. Then you put brown sugar on it. Then you mix it all together with a spoon and then you add some milk and mix it again. And then you put it in a pan. Then you put it in the oven for 15 minutes and 16 degrees. Then you take it out of the oven and then you eat it. Alan -- Turkey First you shoot it and then you cut it. And then you put it in the oven and cook it for 10 minutes and 20 degrees. You put it on plates and then you eat it. Jason -- Chicken Pie Put the chicken in the pot and put the salad and cheese and mustard and then you mix it all together. Then put chicken sauce and stir it all around again. Then you cook it for 5 minutes at 9 degrees. Then you eat it. Christopher -- Pumpkin Pie First you buy a pumpkin and smash it. Then it is all done. And you cook it in the oven for 12 minutes and 4 degrees. Then you eat it. Ashley -- Chicken Put it in the oven. Then cut it up. Then I eat it. Jennie -- Corn My mom buys it. Then you throw it. Then you cook it. Then you eat it. Jordan -- Cranberry Pie Put cranberry juice in it. Then you put berries in it. Then you put dough in it. Then you bake it. Then you eat it. Adam -- Pumpkin Pie First you put pumpkin seeds in it. Put it in a pan and bake it at 5 degrees for 6 minutes. Then take it out and eat it. Jarryd -- Deer Jerky Put it in the oven overnight at 20 degrees. Then you go hunting and bring it with you. Then you eat it. [Editor's Note: "Deer Jerky"? ] Isabelle -- Spaghetti Put those red things in it. Then put the spaghetti in it. Then cook it in the oven for 2 minutes at 8 degrees. Nicholas -- White and Brown Pudding First you read the wrapper. Get a piece of water. Stir. Then you eat it. Lauren -- Turkey First you find a turkey and kill it. Cut it open. Put it in a pan. Pour milk in the pan. Put a little chicken with it. Put salsa on it. Take out of pan. Put it on the board. Cut into little pieces. Put on a rack. Put in the oven for 7 minutes at 10 degrees. Take out of the oven and put eensy weensy bit of sugar on it. Put a little more salsa on it. Then you eat it. Tommy -- Pumpkin Cook the pumpkin. Then get ready to eat the pumpkin Wai -- Pumpkin Pie Get a pumpkin. Cook it. Eat it. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Accomplice A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it. The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?" The boy answered, "We'd better run like hell!" ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Jack Handy -- Kids' Redux (The Expurgated Version) Excerpted rom an actual newspaper contest, where entrants aged 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy" ... My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him. Age 10 When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. Age 5 I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. Age 13 I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. Age 14 I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? Age 15 Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!" Age 15 It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. Age 8 As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. Age 7 Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. Age 10 Home is where the house is. Age 6 Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. Age 15 It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. Age 5 The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think it odd that I drive without pants. Age 15 I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. Age 13 For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. Age 6 The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" Age 15 Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? Age 15 If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. Age 15 ******************************************************************** Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us. ******************************************************************** "HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail list server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more information on Lyris, see . To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following command to : subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems, then either (1) send any message to for a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web interface at , or (3) send a *detailed* description of the problem to . To unsubscribe, visit our Web interface at , forward any HumourNet posting to , or see to your Welcome message for detailed instructions. For instructions on contributing to HumourNet, send any message to . >>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors, not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the text wherever possible. <<< The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP: Web: FTP: Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that 1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer, and 2) no fee is charged. Also: Be *SURE* to remove the footer (with your e-mail address) from this message before forwarding it! There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a copy of them, send any message to , or refer to your Welcome message. ******************************************************************** "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd. ******************************************************************** ************************ Subject: Collage 391: The Last Sacrament Date: 3/23/1998 3:01 AM Received: 3/23/1998 7:32 AM From: HumourNet To: The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour Collage 391 H u m o u r N e t 23 Mar 1998 First of all, my apologies for the truncated subject line on Collage 390; it is proof that there is no finite number of idiot checks that I can write into my software that will ever effectively solve The Real Problem -- the one between my keyboard and my chair. *sigh* The subject line should have read, "More Kiddie Adventures." Speaking of Collage 390, the piece entitled, "Jack Handy -- Kids' Redux" is, apparently, ACTUALLY from the Washington Post's "Style Invitational." (The entry has been corrected in the archives.) Many thanks to the 12,592 readers who pointed that out to me. I'd list all your names, except that Sprint and MCI would have to upgrade their peering routers at MAE-East and MAE-West to handle the added load. (Seriously, though, I *do* appreciate everyone who writes in to let me know when a credit has been missed or attributed incorrectly. I *especially* appreciate those people who realize that I'm not the one stripping off the credits.) What amuses me when I receive correspondence on subjects like this (and just about any other subject, really) is the way that some subscribers will attempt to come up with something cute just so that I'll quote them in an opener. This one from Steve in Lindenhurst, New York (regarding the Style Invitational piece) really had me LOL: [...] The first quotation (about going to hell), BTW, was originally father to son, rather than brother to brother. (Wish I could think of something funny to say so you could quote me in the next opener.) Regards, Steve Trust me, Steve -- after reading 12,512 copies of "You shouldn't post copyrighted material without proper credit" (the remaining 80 or so were less critical of my lack of clairvoyance), THAT was funny. Speaking of people who find creative methods of getting their comments posted in Collage openers, Shane in Basel, Switzerland, had this comment to make in response to my statement in Collage 390 that I did not have time to write up an opener: Hey Vince: ...in that case go with the opener -- I love your collages and the main reason is because of your openers. :-) Jokes are jokes but original humour kicks a**. Keep up the good work, Shane Shane is correct: I can't do too many serial Collages without openers, or you might as well just go subscribe to One Of Those OTHER Humour Lists (yes, they're out there, but none of THEM has been approved by the IETF, the IANA, the ASPCA, the NAACP, and the RMXRA, have they?), and we can't have *that* happening, right? After all, it'd foil my plans for world domination. So, I have enlisted the services of a few Guest Moderators from whom we might be hearing from time to time. (Sorry, this is not a solicitation, unless you have already paid your Guest Moderator Application Fee(tm) and filled out the necessary paperwork -- which is available at any government office.) (I did say *any* government office.) One of those in the lineup is Pastor Rus, also known as the Official HumourNet List Chaplain. Rus has promised to put together a series of "Sunday Morning Bloopers" for an upcoming God Collage. However, he's been promising this since last October. With this opener, I hope to finally guilt (scare?) him into sitting down and making good on that promise. In the meantime, you're stuck with me -- and *my* version of the Sunday Morning Bloopers. This is a little long, but should make amends for any cases of "Opener Neglect" out there. "The Last Sacrament" By Vince Sabio HumourNet Communications, Ltd. For this, we rewind the Great Video of Life to the year 1972 ... That was the year in which I received my Confirmation. Even then, at the tender age of ten, the roots of my agnosticism were taking hold, and my participation in the Confirmation ritual was more to satisfy my parents than to receive a another sacrament. After all, I had already received Last Rites (within 24 hours of birth -- hence the justification for my brash and irreverent approach to life), so anything else was just backfill. I really wasn't the most devout Confirmation candidate. On a test just prior to the Great Ritual, I'd stated the seven sacraments as "baptism, circumcision, communion, confirmation, marriage, divorce, and last rites." (Had I been a little smarter, I'd have realized that "marriage" and "last rites" were the same thing.) It's a wonder that The Nuns didn't chain me to a wall in The Basement. I've no doubt that they had OTHER children chained up down there; I could often hear their screams as I walked down the hall to my Sunday School classroom. I think that The Nuns simply feared me, referred to me as "Lucifer" behind closed doors, and hoped that I would just go away forever once I received Confirmation. They were correct about the "going away" part. Moreover, I'd already vetted this plan with my parents; their response was, "Just complete your Confirmation; you can do whatever you like [i.e., stop attending church] after that." For all I know, they'd even warned The Nuns to just "sit tight until after Confirmation, and then you won't have to worry about upgrading the shackles in The Basement to hold him." And so, we arrived at The Big Day. The Confirmation Mass, itself, was being held in the "Parish Hall." Now, this warrants some description: Imagine a huge gymnasium-looking hall with cinderblock walls, row upon row of folding chairs on the floor, an impressive array of pull- out bleachers along the rear wall, and a two-story-high dead guy nailed to the front of the hall. (Do they do this just to frighten the kids? I'll have them know that it works.) The Plan(tm) was that the Confirmees would fill the chairs on the floor -- girls in the group on the left, boys in the group on the right -- and the parents would lend their approval from the bleachers. So far, so good. My parents left me in the capable hands of The Nuns -- assuming that I was, at that point, committed to going through with this -- and headed down to the Parish Hall to be seated with the other proud parents. Meanwhile, The Nuns had come up with a Diabolical Plan: They would select two Confirmees -- a boy and a girl -- to go up to the front of the Parish (on cue) and read from the Bible. For this, they needed two children who were sufficiently, um, "outspoken" that they wouldn't choke when faced with 500 (I kid you not) other children and roughly 1000 parents. I was standing in the lineup, minding my own business and awaiting my fate, when I heard my name called ... "Vincent Sabio? Please step forward." "Uh-oh. I'm *really* in trouble now." The Nuns explained their Diabolical Plan to me and the girl that they selected: At their cue, we were to stand up, walk to the *outside* of our rows (which meant that she and I would be walking in opposite directions), and then go up front to join His Holiness, The Guy With The Pointy Hat (a.k.a. the Bishop), who will introduce us. At that point, we will flip to the passages marked for us, each read her or his passage (girls before boys), and then return to our seats. Sounded simple enough. Heck, I was just relieved that I wasn't headed for The Basement. And so 500 children filed down to the Parish Hall to be Confirmed. As it turned out, I was seated near the center aisle, which meant that I would have to squeeze past most of the row of boys to my right when it came time for my fifteen minutes of Sacramental Fame. I waited. The Guy With The Pointy Hat read from the Bible. He made strange sounds. He sat. He stood. I waited. Still no cue from The Nuns. He spoke some more. He read some more. Still I waited. The hours passed. Days passed. Leaves fell from trees. And finally, it came -- the cue from The Nuns! It's *SSSSSHOWTIME*. We now cut to the ParentCam, and view this through the eyes of two people who know that their young son is already showing signs of, well, not exactly growing up to be the most pious of citizens. This is difficult for your typical Italian family to grasp, mind you -- but, in this case, they were simply happy that I was actually going through with the Confirmation. Or was I? Suddenly, in the middle of the Mass, they saw me stand up. Step by agonizing step, I worked my way down the row toward ... what was that at the end of the row ... ? THE EXIT DOORS! Their first thought was, "Omigosh, he's LEAVING!" How will we ever explain this? Worse still, what will we say when the other parents start pointing and saying, "Hey, whose kid is THAT?" (My parents, being pretty quick, probably would have joined in: "Can you believe it? That kid just got up and walked out! I'll bet his parents are mortified....") I finally made my way to the end of the row. But, rather than continue to the right and through the exit doors, I did something even worse -- I turned and walked to the front of the Parish Hall ... "OMIGOD, HE'S NOT SIMPLY WALKING OUT -- HE'S GOING TO *ANNOUNCE* THAT HE'S LEAVING!" My parents aged a good deal that day. In fact, I'm just lucky that there were no precedents in the courts at that time for parents suing their own children; I'd *still* be working off the judgment against me. They finally realized, when The Guy With The Pointy Hat introduced the two of us (at that point, they'd noticed that there was a girl involved in this, too), that this was a *planned* event. I've no doubt that there was some residual concern as to exactly WHAT was going to come from my mouth when I read my passage, though. At which point, we cut back to me ... The Nuns had given us each a slip of paper with the passage from the Bible that we were to read. It was written in Standard Biblical Hieroglyphics -- you know, "Luke 5:33." Except that I had no *clue* what "Luke 5:33" meant. I did, however, recall The Nuns telling us that our sections would be marked in The Bible. Well, that should be simple enough ... the girl's section is marked, and my section is marked. Since she just read her passage, my section must be the one that isn't currently open. I looked at The Bible. It was *huge*. It was high -- I had to stand on my toes just to see it. I looked closely for something resembling a marker ... There were approximately 237 markers in The Bible that day. It looked as if they had marked everything with a page number. This was ridiculous. After all, it's not like The Guy With The Pointy Hat couldn't find his place if he needed to; he must read these things all the time. I, in contrast, was a virtual newbie to this whole Bible reading thing. I was completely at a loss. But no bother -- one good quote from the Bible is as rewarding as any other, right? I picked a marker at random. Casually flipping to it, I decided that I would read a few paragraphs and then act like I was finished -- after all, by that point, I might very well be. I started reading a passage. For all I knew, it might have been Revelation. In retrospect, I could only hope that it was the passage that The Guy With The Pointy Hat was planning to read next -- it would have served him right for presenting me with such a confusing task. I finished reading, thanked everyone for their attention (after all, they were clapping in that "aren't they just *adorable*?" manner that is characteristic of parents at events such as these) and returned to my seat. Later in the service, we were called, row by row, to the front of the Hall to be Confirmed. Kneeling before the two-story-high person who was nailed to the wall, The Guy With The Pointy Hat stepped before each of us in turn and asked us a specific question in some foreign language (most likely Latin, though it could just as easily have been French or German or Fortran for all I knew), and awaited the standard response that The Nuns had drilled into each of us. Except that, when my turn came, I looked up at The Guy With The Pointy Hat, and realized that he probably hadn't liked my Biblical selection very much -- he looked as if he was going to damn me to burn in Hell for an eternity right there in front of 500 other kids. My mind went immediately and totally blank; I forgot The Standard Reply that we had rehearsed for weeks in preparation for our moments of passage. I quickly searched my memory for the proper phrase, but it was hopeless. I looked up at His Holiness and managed to squeak out, "Yes, sir." What the heck -- he'd asked me a question, I might as well agree to whatever it was. He repeated something back to me in that same foreign language. It probably was a curse or an excommunication of some sort. I didn't care. I returned to my seat, and quietly vowed to never set foot inside a church ever again. I've no doubt that The Nuns would have been relieved if they could have heard it; they'd probably have asked for it in writing. When the service was over, I found my parents and left as quickly as I could. They wanted to introduce me to everyone: "Yes, this is the boy that they selected to read from the Bible" and all that. I wanted none of it; I was no longer interested in fame. I just wanted out of there before The Nuns changed their minds about those shackles in The Basement ... Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio, HumourNet Communications Ltd. All Rights Reserved; permission is hereby granted to forward or post "Hyperbolic God," provided that the by-line (above) and this copyright statement are included. (Well, the spectre of another one of THOSE stories should get Pastor Rus off his butt and writing his own opener. ) And so we come to Collage 391, dedicated to -- you guessed it -- religious humour ... Tanya in Redwood City, California, starts us off with "Those Damned Catholics"; Yvonne in Arlington, Virginia, sends a triple-header: "When Life Begins," "Passing Judgment," and "Perspective"; Karen P. in Colorado Springs, Colorado, brings us "Breaking With Tradition"; Lenore in Virginia Beach, Virginia, contributes "The Verge"; John W. in Blacksburg, Virginia, takes credit for his "Messages From God"; Lorraine in Katy, Texas, sends along the "The Survival Guide To Boring Sermons" (Rus, you might notice several tricks in there that your parishioners are using); and Jeff R. in London, U.K., submits the piece, "At Least He Got Some Nice Presents." As always, a huge thanks to our contributors! (One of these days, I'm going to leave that out, just to see if everyone is paying attention. ;-) Go in peace ... - Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator ____________________________________________________________________ Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message. ____________________________________________________________________ SUBJ: Those Damned Catholics A man died and went up to Heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself, who took the man by his hand and led him inside. They started walking down hallways in order to reach their destination -- the place where the man would enjoy himself until eternity. They walked through one hallway, and the man heard singing and clapping and many loud exclamations of "Hallelujah!" He looked inquiringly at St. Peter, who said "The Baptists." In another hallway, he heard the voices of many people, raised in joyful song, accompanied by a booming organ. St. Peter told him, "The Lutherans." They passed through many hallways and many religions. They heard the chants of the Moslems and the Hindus, the silence of the Buddhists, and singing and praying from many other sects and religions. Finally, they reached a large wooden door. St. Peter put a finger to his lips and whispered, "At this point, you must be deathly quiet. Please take off your shoes and tiptoe noiselessly." The two tiptoed through a silent hallway. After passing through another large wooden door, St. Peter motioned that they could once again talk in normal tones, and they both put their shoes back on. "What was _that_?" inquired the man. "Damned Catholics," said St. Peter. "They think they're the only ones up here." ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: When Life Begins A minister, a priest and a rabbi were discussing when life begins. "Those of my faith," said the minister, "believe that life starts when the heart starts to beat." "We take a bit of a different view," said the priest, "in that we believe life starts at the moment of conception." "Well," said the rabbi, "it is _our_ belief that life starts when the kids move out and the dog dies." ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Passing Judgment A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his collar was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Shay, Father, what caushes arthritish?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. Having second thoughts about his abrupt manner, the priest nudged the drunk and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "Oh, I don't have it, Father. I was jusht reading here that the Pope does." ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Perspective This couple had a really terrible little kid, Johnny. He was always fighting and cussing and getting in trouble at school. Finally he was expelled from public school, so the parents decided to try private school. They enrolled him in a private boys' school that was supposed to be wonderful. Within a week, little Johnny is expelled. The father is so upset he says, "That does it he's going to military school -- they should be able to discipline him there!" Within a week at military school, Johnny is expelled once more. The only thing left to try is parochial school. The parents take him to the Catholic school and hope for the best. A week goes by and there are no problems. The parents are pleased but still wary. Another week goes by and still no trouble. The parents are happy but still waiting for the inevitable. More time passes and Johnny gets a report card on which the nuns have given him good marks for his behavior. Johnny's parents are floored. They call him into the room to see what caused this change. "Do you really like Catholic school?" asks the mother. "No," replies little Johnny. "Then what has caused this turnaround in your behavior?" inquires his father. "Well," says Johnny, "on the first day they lined us up and took us into a big room. Inside, there was a man nailed to a cross. I knew I had better behave because these guys meant business!" ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Breaking With Tradition A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary version. On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry. When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting. The pastor glanced over at the groom. "Pull down your pants, son," whispered the pastor. The groom was shocked. "Uh, Reverend, I think I've changed my mind," he whispered back, "I'd rather have the traditional service." ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: The Verge A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus's mother's name?" One child answered "Mary." The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus's father's name was?" A little kid said "The Verge." Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?" The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about The Verge 'n' Mary." ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Messages From God On my way to work I saw a local Baptist Church marquee that read: "May every new year find you a better man." My current pastor claims to have seen the following on Mothers' Day: "Have a nice day, all you mothers." ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: The Survival Guide to Boring Sermons Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests. See if a yawn really is contagious. Slap your neighbor. See if he turns the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the priest/preacher. Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs. Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B and so on through the alphabet. Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front. Using church notice sheets or newcomers cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.. Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.. Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the lavatory. Chew gum; if the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles. Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone. By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards.. Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice. Practice smiling insincerely. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: At Least He Got Some Nice Presents Did you hear the one about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa. ******************************************************************** Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us. ******************************************************************** "HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail list server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more information on Lyris, see . To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following command to : subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems, then either (1) send any message to for a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web interface at , or (3) send a *detailed* description of the problem to . To unsubscribe, visit our Web interface at , forward any HumourNet posting to , or see to your Welcome message for detailed instructions. For instructions on contributing to HumourNet, send any message to . >>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors, not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the text wherever possible. <<< The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP: Web: FTP: Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that 1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer, and 2) no fee is charged. Also: Be *SURE* to remove the footer (with your e-mail address) from this message before forwarding it! There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a copy of them, send any message to , or refer to your Welcome message. ******************************************************************** "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd. ******************************************************************** ************************ Subject: Collage 392: The Day of the Joker Date: 4/1/1998 1:28 AM Received: 4/1/1998 7:34 AM From: HumourNet To: The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour Collage 392 H u m o u r N e t 01 Apr 1998 Due to the rising cost of e-mail and the suspicious lack of unsubs recently, I am considering increasing the unsubscription fee from US$5.00 to US$35.00. Either that, or I might have John Mozena guest moderate again; the unsubscription fees from his last round in the driver's seat nearly covered the entire R&D costs for HumourNet's geosynchronous communications satellite program. I'm still tossed up whether it'll be a fee increase or John Mozena. Remember, HumourNet is still -- and will always be -- entirely free to *join*, and there are no fees whatsoever for remaining on the list. The only time that you will ever encounter *ANY* fees whatsoever from this list is if you decide to unsubscribe. If you are unfamiliar with the unsubscription fee, please refer to the Welcome message you received when you joined the list. If you lost your Welcome message, then send the command "get humournet hello" (without the quotes) to the list server: . A new Welcome message will be returned to you. (There is a $0.50 fee for this service.) Meanwhile, many of you are looking at the dateline on this Collage, and recalling the joke that I played on the list one year ago today, in Collage 345. Well, you can rest assured that I would never dream of doing something like that a second time -- after all, that's just what you'd be *expecting* me to do. No, I've decided to mess with a *different* mailing list of mine this year ... In the meantime, we have some great practical-joke ideas from the audience: Paul in Champlin, Minnesota, starts this one off with "Malpractice"; Mark B., purportedly an educator in the United Kingdom , brings us a pedagogical double header with "We'd Get Sued For This Today" and "We'd Get Sued, Take 2"; Pastor Rus, HumourNet's very own Official List Chaplain, reveals his Dark Side with "We'd Get Sued, Take 3"; Shawn King, moderator of our high-successful-until-the-lawsuits-start "sister list," Bawdy.Net, brings us another double header with "We'd Get Sued, Take 4" and "Fun With The Intellectual Proletariat"; JD in NJ -- one of the "Fab Five" original HumourNetters, and an all- around great guy -- takes credit for contributing some "Good, Clean Fun"; Jeff in San Jose, California, provides instructions for "Becoming a Homicide Victim"; Mark D. in London, England, sends along "Call Us If You Don't Receive This Message"; Matt in Hollywood, Florida, accepts kudos for the first installment of "We'd Get Sued For These, Too"; and Randy Cassingham, author of "This is True" (see your Welcome message for subscription instructions), brings us an piece that has become an annual event, despite making its first appearance on HumourNet today: "The Annual Internet Cleaning." It's another "Practical Jokes" Collage, with the usual thanks going out to our resident practical jokers. Enjoy! And watch out for those jokes ... - Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator ____________________________________________________________________ Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message. ____________________________________________________________________ SUBJ: Malpractice Here's a practical joke someone pulled here at the University of Minnesota. "Boynton" is the campus health service ... "Well I put rubber cement on my chest to affix coffee grounds for the appearance of chest hair. And I am just wondering if you know of a solvent to get it off? I thought I could just rub it -- but it's not working." -- Norman, to the Boynton Health Nurse over the phone ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: We'd Get Sued For This Today Apparently by C. Hargrave Thought I would share the (maybe true) tale from my head. A few years ago, [they] lined up the whole school by the medical room for an "injection." The children were then sent into the room one by one. They argued and were not at all happy about going in. Phone calls to parents were not allowed. Once in the room, the children saw a board with a note, reading: "Please scream loudly! April Fool!" They would then exit by the other door and listen to the others trying to get out of going in! ----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]---------- SUBJ: We'd Get Sued, Take 2 We also sent one to ask for 3m of fallopian tubing from the science prep room. After a short while he came back looking really pleased with a length of plastic piping that they had given him. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: We'd Get Sued, Take 3 For Wedding Receptions: Collect a lot of keys from the wedding party/friends WITHOUT the bride and groom's knowledge. Pass them out to as many women as possible (swearing them to secrecy). During your speech, announce the "The bride realizes that the groom has had a lot of girlfriends over the years. She would appreciate it if any of them who have keys to his place could please return them." This is the cue for all the women to bring their keys to the wedding party table. Try to get a couple of pregnant women in the group and maybe somebody's grandma. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: We'd Get Sued, Take 4 Possibly by Kevin Klop I was part of an OS Enhancements group that was building a multi-CPU testing system. A large number of 300-meg removable disk pack drives were shared between two CPUs. As part of our work, we did what are commonly called "Thrash Tests" wherein you seek back and forth between the outermost cylinder and the innermost cylinder. Remember that these are VERY quick drives, and that the heads build up an hellacious amount of momentum. There was also a night operator that was: a) Universally disliked b) Knew almost nothing about computers except how to follow a checklist. We set up a timed job to run at midnight, just about the time this operator would be starting his backups. Along comes midnight, and suddenly all the disk drives in the computer room start thrashing angrily "Chugachugachugachuga," and rocking back and forth. Eventually they started walking themselves along the floor. At the same time, on the operator's console, the screen blanks, and the following words appear, centered, on the display: "I'm coming to get you." The operator quit the next day. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Fun With The Intellectual Proletariat Several years ago, on April Fool's Day, one of the local radio stations announced that the Shuttle had landed in Vancouver. [Editor's Note: One of the well-known alternate landing sites for the Shuttle outside the U.S. ;-) ] About 1000 people showed up. It gets better: One guy got [angry] at the radio station because he got fired! He told his boss he was going out to the airport to see the Shuttle. His boss, not exactly a rocket scientist himself, said, "I don't care if it's landing or not. You go, you're fired." The [idiot] boss didn't even get the joke! I was driving somewhere that morning and I heard the "report" of the Shuttle having to make an emergency landing. I thought, "Ha ha. Very funny. No one's stupid enough to fall for that." Sadly, I was mistaken by about a thousand. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Good, Clean Fun Want to have some fun in the dorm shower? Try this: Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, "Hey! I didn't know I had one of *those*!" ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Becoming a Homicide Victim Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and say, "Okay, is everybody ready to start now?" [Editor's Note: The tricky part is that "judge at the Olympics" step. Once you've got that, I'll bet that the rest of the joke is pretty easy. ] ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Call Us If You Don't Receive This Message A friend of mine has a nice little scam which he pulls each year on the 1st April. He quite often sends people jokes and the like in the form of two messages -- the first is a question and the second is the answer. Well, often the answer arrives before the question, so he puts some text in the answer to tell the readers to not open the message until they get the question. On April 1 each year he sends out a message with the subject "Joke answer: Do not open until you have read the question!" but never actually sends out the question. Further, he requests a receipt which is sent automatically when they open the message. This provides him with a rather neat way of keeping score of how wise people are. The ones who open it straight away are the savvy ones -- they know that it's a scam and do not wait. The ones who wait a few days before opening it tend to be a little more embarrassed. But you would be surprised to hear of the number of people who mail him weeks later, irately demanding that he send the question again since they do not want to open the answer until they get the question! [Editor's Note: I'm not sure if this is a test of savvy or integrity. ;-) Amusing, nonetheless ... ] ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: We'd Get Sued For These, Too Here's a few practical jokes we pulled at my college (Clearwater Christian College, in Clearwater, Florida) ... 1) Jim came up with the idea of unscrewing the shower heads and filling them with the contents of a packet of hot chocolate. (Also works well with coffee and/or tea bags.) 2) Right before room inspections, Jim also discovered that if he took an EMPTY (large and preferably Lay's) bag of potato chips, filled it with shaving cream, slid the open end under the victim's door, then stomped hard on the other end, pieces of chips and shaving cream would cover everything. [If anyone attempts to repeat this, place one foot on the back end of the bag BEFORE you stomp; otherwise you may blow everything all over yourself, the hall, etc...] 3) My personal favorite was the old Saran-Wrap the commode. Would do that 2 or 3 days in a row. After every one was aware what was going on, and was checking for saran wrap, I'd quit. All were looking for Saran Wrap, and _nothing_ else. So then, my prank begins: I would take 2 McDonald's ketchup (and/or mustard, mayo, Taco Bell sauce, etc...) packages and carefully cut off ONE corner of each so that there was barely a pinhole-sized opening [slightly larger opening required with lumpy taco and relish sauces]. Then I'd put one of these packages under each of the front "feet" of the toilet seats, hole pointing BACK and IN. Amazingly foul language could be elicited from "Christian" college students 8^) [Editor's Note: Matt actually has quite a collection of these; I'll save the rest for future "Practical Jokes" Collages. Stay tuned! ] ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Annual Internet Cleaning It's that time again! As many of you know, each year the Internet must be shut down for 24 hours in order to allow us to clean it. The cleaning process, which eliminates dead email and inactive ftp, www and gopher sites, allows for a better working and faster Internet. This year, the cleaning process will take place from 12:01 a.m.. GMT on April 1 until 12:01 a.m. GMT on April 2 (the time least likely to interfere with ongoing work). During that 24-hour period, five powerful Internet search engines situated around the world will search the Internet and delete any data that they find. In order to protect your valuable data from deletion we ask that you do the following: 1. Disconnect all terminals and local area networks from their Internet connections. 2. Shut down all Internet servers, or disconnect them from the Internet. 3. Disconnect all disks and hard drives from any connections to the Internet. 4. Refrain from connecting any computer to the Internet in any way. We understand the inconvenience that this may cause some Internet users, and we apologize. However, we are certain that any inconveniences will be more than made up for by the increased speed and efficiency of the Internet, once it has been cleared of electronic flotsam and jetsam. We thank you for your cooperation. Kim Dereksen Network Information Center Network Solutions, Inc. Reston, Virginia ******************************************************************** Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us. ******************************************************************** "HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail list server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more information on Lyris, see . To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following command to : subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems, then either (1) send any message to for a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web interface at , or (3) send a *detailed* description of the problem to . To unsubscribe, visit our Web interface at , forward any HumourNet posting to , or see to your Welcome message for detailed instructions. For instructions on contributing to HumourNet, send any message to . >>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors, not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the text wherever possible. <<< The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP: Web: FTP: Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that 1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer, and 2) no fee is charged. Also: Be *SURE* to remove the footer (with your e-mail address) from this message before forwarding it! There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a copy of them, send any message to , or refer to your Welcome message. ******************************************************************** "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd. ******************************************************************** ************************ Subject: Collage 393: The Pastor Speaks Date: 4/12/1998 3:03 PM Received: 4/12/1998 4:02 PM From: HumourNet To: The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour Collage 393 H u m o u r N e t 12 Apr 1998 First, an apology for Collage 392: When I set about creating an April Fools Day Collage, I checked my "practical jokes" files, and found an entire Collage's worth of pretty good April Fools-quality humour -- already formatted and everything! Little did I realize that I'd simply forgotten to delete the raw file from LAST YEAR'S April Fools Collage. *sigh* A good number of you caught me on that one right away. I wish I could say that it was just another April Fools Joke -- but it was actually just the moderator fooling himself. At least I fooled *someone* this year. Well, I actually fooled quite a number of people ... It never fails to amaze me how many long-time subscribers can be routinely taken in by the "unsubscription fee" ruse. This year's Unsubscription Fee Collage (toward the end of the year) promises to be a real winner. However, this opener is more of a follow-up to Collage 391 than 392. You might recall my attempt in Collage 391 to guilt Pastor Rus, HumourNet's Official List Chaplain, into finally writing his opener for the list. Well, it worked. I usually don't run "God Collages" (i.e., religious humour) nearly back to back, but since Rus has been such a commendable chaplain, I'm somewhat compelled (euphemism for "contractually obligated") to run his material right away. Plus, depending upon your religious persuasion, it's either Passover or Easter this weekend. (It's neither for me, as I'm not easily persuaded. ;-) A quick introduction for Rus: Along with being a full-time pastor for the Gananda Community Church right outside Rochester, New York, Rus is also my moderator for the net.humour.religion newsgroup on Usenet II (see for more info on Usenet II). In addition to Rus's duties as HumourNet's Official List Chaplain, he's also the official "THIS is TRUE" pastor for Randy Cassingham's list . Rus recently released a book entitled, "A Window Of Grace." And if he ever manages to move off his butt , Rus also has another book in the works -- this one on (you guessed it!) religious humour. And so, without further ado, may I introduce you to Rus Jeffrey, the Official HumourNet List Chaplain, in the cyberflesh ... Well, as Vince says, it worked. After reading the opener for Collage 391, I quickly repented and headed straight for my computer to write an opener. Of course I'm still trying to get a mental image of Vince actually *reading* the Bible. Who knows, it may even cause nightmares of some sort. So here I am, Pastor Rus, finally writing a Guest Moderator piece. As you read in Collage 391, I've been planning/promising to do this since October. But the life of a pastor can be pretty full with tending to the flock and stuff like that. Not to mention the great demands on my time in the role as "Official HumourNet Chaplain." Hey, Vince can be a handful at times. We start off with the question, "Does God have a sense of humor?" Well, I *certainly* hope so! After all, He did call a guy like me into ministry. Recently our Praise Band was talking about God and humor before a service on Sunday. Our keyboard player pointed to Psalm 2 -- "Heaven-throned God breaks out laughing." (The Message) Many times I'm sure He looks at me and breaks out laughing. How many times? Let me describe what we here at HQ HumourNet refer to as "Sunday Morning Bloopers(tMS)" ... Let's start with the proverbial slip of the lip. One Sunday morning, while illustrating the scene of Jesus praying just before His death, I described three disciples who kept falling asleep when they were supposed to be praying. They had a case of what I call the "praying nods." In the midst of the description I said, "Jesus went over to them, kicked them in the side saying 'Wake up! The flesh is willing but the spirit is weak!'" Some of the more alert Bible readers in the congregation were quick to let me know after the service that I had that backward. Then there was the day I was preaching about "sexual immorality" from one of the Apostle Paul's letters. I didn't spend a lot of time on the subject -- and it's probably a good thing, too. After the service, a man came up beside me, saying, "So preacher ... was that a little wishful thinking on your behalf today?" Looking rather confused I responded, "What are you talking about?" "It's this way," he explained, "every time you meant to say 'sexual immorality' you actually said 'sexual immortality.'" Now I know why all those little old gray-haired ladies looked so shocked! 0=:-o Last, but certainly not least, I'll never forget one funeral message from a few years ago. The man had lived a long life. I knew his son because he and his family attended the church. I'd met his dad only once. These are difficult funerals to do because it's hard to know exactly what to say. So, when in doubt, I do what any other pastor does when faced with such a situation: I preached from that great Byrds song, "Turn, Turn, Turn." You know the one -- come on now, let's all sing it together: For everything, turn, turn, turn, There is a season, turn, turn, turn. A time to mourn, a time to laugh ... Well, you get the picture. Turning to Ecclesiastes 3, I started with words of encouragement, telling those gathered that life is full of seasons. It was a moving message and there wasn't a dry eye in the house. Then, coming to the end of the message I asked the question, "How does one sum up life from Solomon's words here in Ecclesiastes?" Preparing to paraphrase Solomon's conclusion at the end of the book by saying "Live life for God," the entire family (who attended the church I was appointed to) started laughing! It was all I could do to keep a straight face. I *knew* what they were thinking: Just a few weeks prior to the funeral, I'd asked the same question in a Sunday morning message and that's what they were remembering. But the version I'd used then was: "Life sucks and then you die." So, there you have it -- Part One of "Sunday Morning Bloopers(tMS)." There may be more installments to follow; I guess it all depends on how much guilt, or how many scare tactics, Vince uses on me in the future. [Editor's Comment: Or how much we make on the unsub fees. ;-) ] Many thanks to our contributors to this Collage: Cynthia in Denver, Colorado, for "What is Easter?" Valerie in Mountain View, California, for "Comprehending God." Rose M. for "Teamwork" (one of Vince's all-time favorites). Lorraine in Katy, Texas, for "If College Students Had Written The Bible." Randy Cassingham in Boulder, Colorado, for "Paybacks Are Hell" and "Good Deed for the Day." and Hy in Redundant Beach, California, for an "Audience With The Pope." Remember, God does have a sense of humor -- and you can count on this: Somewhere, sometime and somehow, "Heaven-throned God will break out laughing." (Psalm 2:4) Enjoy! - Pastor Rus HumourNet Guest Moderator ____________________________________________________________________ Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message. ____________________________________________________________________ SUBJ: What is Easter? Three intellectually-challenged guys just died and are at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first man, "WHAT IS EASTER?" The man replies, "Oh, that's easy, it's the holiday in November when everybody gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful..." "WRONG," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second man the same question, "WHAT IS EASTER?" The second man replies, "No, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second man, shakes his head in disgust, looks at the third man and asks, "WHAT IS EASTER?" The third man smiles and looks St. Pete in the eye. "I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and He was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took Him to be crucified and stabbed Him in the side, made Him wear a crown of thorns, and hung Him on a cross. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder. Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if He sees his shadow there will be six more weeks of winter ..." ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Comprehending God A confused nine-year-old boy goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?" After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well God is both male and female." This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?" "Well, God is both black and white." This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?" At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers none the less, "Honey, God is both gay and straight." At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks... "Is God Michael Jackson?" ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Teamwork A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray... "God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Joe again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck. Once again, he prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order ... " Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of GOD himself: "JOE, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE ... BUY A FREAKING TICKET!" ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: If College Students Had Written The Bible Top ten ways the Bible would have been different if it had been written by college students ... 10. Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips 9. Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are double-spaced and written in a large font, they look like ten. 8. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't dorm food. 7. Paul's letters to the Romans become Paul's e-Mail to the Romans. 6. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates. 5. The place where the end of the world occurs: Not the Plains of Armageddon, but Finals Week. 4. Book of Armaments would be in there somewhere. 3. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like Freshmen. 2. Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement. 1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter and hoped no one noticed. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Paybacks Are Hell The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. They all arrived the Pearly Gates together. "Oh! This is terrible!" exclaimed St. Peter. "I know you guys think that we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. We were going to help all of you land once you got where you were going." St. Peter was fretting. "Your quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you in, but we can't send you back." Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. I'll owe you one." Reluctantly, the devil agreed. Two days later... "Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns." "What's wrong?" asked St. Peter. "Well, this Pope guy is forgiving everybody. This Graham fellow is saving everybody. And this fella Roberts -- he's raising money to buy a central air conditioning unit ..." ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Audience With The Pope A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long queue with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him. As the Pope made his way slowly down the queue, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again. This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay 1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day. The next morning the American stood in the queue, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear ... "I thought I told you to get lost." ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Good Deed for the Day A guy is at the Pearly Gates, hoping to be admitted, and St. Peter says to the guy, "I can't see that you did anything really good in your life, but you never did anything bad either. I tell you what: if you can tell me one REALLY good deed that you did, you're in." So the guy says, "Once I was driving down the road and saw a gang of bikers assaulting this poor girl. So I pulled over, got out my car, grabbed a tire iron and walked straight up to the gang's leader -- a huge ugly guy with a studded leather jacket, bald head but with hair all over his body, and a chain running from his nose to his ear. "Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his nose and ear and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and, wielding my tire iron, yelled to the rest of them, 'You leave this poor, innocent lady alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! GO HOME BEFORE I TEACH YOU ALL A LESSON IN PAIN!'" Impressed, St. Peter says, "Really? When did this happen?" "Oh, about two minutes ago." ******************************************************************** Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us. ******************************************************************** "HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail list server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more information on Lyris, see . To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following command to : subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems, then either (1) send any message to for a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web interface at , or (3) send a *detailed* description of the problem to . To unsubscribe, visit our Web interface at , forward any HumourNet posting to , or see to your Welcome message for detailed instructions. For instructions on contributing to HumourNet, send any message to . >>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors, not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the text wherever possible. <<< The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP: Web: FTP: Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that 1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer, and 2) no fee is charged. Also: Be *SURE* to remove the footer (with your e-mail address) from this message before forwarding it! There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a copy of them, send any message to , or refer to your Welcome message. ******************************************************************** "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd. ******************************************************************** ************************ Subject: Collage 394: More From The Intellectual Proletariat Date: 4/27/1998 2:52 AM Received: 4/27/1998 11:27 AM From: HumourNet To: The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour Collage 394 H u m o u r N e t 27 Apr 1998 A few Collages ago, I threatened to bring back John Mozena as a guest moderator to increase the unsubscription rate and thus bring in more revenue from the Unsubscription Fees(tMS). Well, an insufficient number of you unsubscribed, so now the rest of you are stuck with John. Could be worse, though; you could be stuck with *me* ... Anyway, let me welcome John Mozena back for his *second* (oh, how will he ever survive the embarrassment?) HumourNet Guest Moderator spot. Enjoy! - Vince Well, you've all gone and done it. Not enough of you unsubscribed when Vince suggested raising the unsubscription fee, so he has followed through on his threat to have me guest moderate another Collage. Strap in and hang on, since you can't get out now. I suppose I'm at least partly to blame for the scarcity of Collages these days, as I keep on introducing Vince to new areas of the Net that contain a lower-than-normal quantity of stupid people. Since he gets a full dose of stupidity in e-mail from some of the more intellectually-challenged HumourNetters, in addition to the normal collection of idiots and fools we all deal with in everyday life (your mileage may vary if you're employed by a government agency), poor Vince is always looking for the net.equivalent of fresh air, unencumbered by the bleatings of idiots, fools and AOLers. (Yes, I know that's redundant and repetitive.) You've already gotten one example, when Vince mentioned the Hallowed Cult of Father Darwin Mailing List. We're almost done digesting (in some cases literally) the last dose of subscribers, so you'll just have to figure out on your own how to find it. To quote Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle, "Think of it as evolution in action." Another example is Usenet II , where Vince is the net.humor Czar. This means he's actually got formal permission to be an utter bastard in the name of humo[u]r. Unfortunately, this *does* mean he has to give up his amateur status, but he's looking forward to the endorsements. I hear any number of prophylactic manufacturers want to use him as a poster child, for instance. As a warning of what can happen. So, in a form of penance for turning Vince's attention away from HumourNet, I bring you a Stupid People Collage. I spend my free time taunting stupid people. It's easy work, but the rewards are endless. (In that sense, it's kinda like being a U.S. Senator.) Plus, you're never lacking for material -- to misquote SubGenius icon J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, "You know how dumb the average person is? Well, by definition, half of 'em are dumber than *that*." Now, I'm not talking about people who just aren't really bright, but have some common sense and live their lives in recognition of the fact that they're just not going to ever shake the King of Sweden's hand or get a telegram from the Pulitzer committee. I'm talking about people who might have advanced degrees, but never bother to buckle their seatbelts or vote in elections. To quote a wise and anonymous man, "Yes, eat the willfully ignorant. Just use good table manners." If you ask me (and I know you didn't, but it's your fault for subscribing to this list and then not unsubscribing when the fees were nearly raised), environmentalists have it all wrong. The biggest threat to our world isn't the Raymond Burr-sized hole in the ozone layer, or internal combustion engines, or nuclear waste or even the Spice Girls. It's stupidity. [Editor's Note: *Wrong-O*, John. It's the Spice Girls. ] Stupidity brought us things like Three Mile Island, Chernobyl, CFC-laden hair spray cans, Michael Jackson and New Jersey. Stupid people, in addition to the dumb things they do that are merely annoying, often rise to positions of power from which they can do dumb things that screw up stuff for the rest of us who are too smart to, say, build biological weapons, no matter how much we don't like somebody. (viz. Jesse Helms and Saddam Hussein) My point (I have one, I swear) is this: As we laugh at the amusing antics of the stupid people whose tomfoolery is presented below for your amusement, just remember that somewhere, there's somebody even stupider than our heroes below who works for the Department of Energy, the Department of Defense, NASA, the CIA, the EPA, your town's Department of Sanitation, your child's school, your grocery store or your accountant's office. And they're trying to help you or protect you. Emigrate now. Credits for today's Collage: Capt. Chris P, Colorado Springs, Colorado: "Gravity Sucks" Don M., Chicago, Illinois: "Genetic Defects" Barbara C. in Adelphi, Maryland: "Shandong, Sichuan, Syrian -- It's All The Same Thing" Steve D. in Ashland, Oregon: "Dream Date for Short Men" Tim O., Chicago, Illinois: "But He'll Be Making $40 Million a Year Soon" Randy Cassingham in Boulder, Colorado: "But The Canadians Have Very Poor Statistics On Taiwan" Eric W.: "Physics According to Business Majors" Ted W. in Cincinnati, Ohio: "Adventures of the 'Clue Unencumbered'" Art M., Pompton Lakes, New Jersey: "Too Bad We Won The War" Lori B. in Atlanta, Georgia: "Ca-Ka Jones" Russ R., Corinth, Texas: "Express Math" Ed C. in El Cerrito, California: "The Importance of Not Being Heard." Big round of applause for our contributors! Enjoy ... - John Mozena HumourNet Guest Moderator ____________________________________________________________________ Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by John Mozena Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message. ____________________________________________________________________ SUBJ: Gravity Sucks The following story comes from the naval safety center commander, COMNAVSAFECEN, Rear Admiral F.M. DIRREN JR. The incident involved two civilians employed by the Navy to maintain the grounds of a naval base. While he didn't actually climb out on a limb then saw the limb off behind him, this grounds keeper did the next best thing and got pretty much the same results. Properly bedecked with all the required safety gear, our hero leaned his ladder against the offending limb, then turned to brief his helper on the precise manner in which he wanted his ladder tended while he performed this delicate surgery. That completed, he yanked his chainsaw into consciousness, ("BAR-UUM! BA-DA-BA-DA! BRUUM! BAR-UUM!") and scrambled up the ladder, trailing oily-blue smoke and noise behind him as he rose. Once up there, he checked his clearances, made sure there was no one standing underneath, checked his goggles, checked his gloves, adjusted his hardhat, checked his ladder-holder one more time, gave his saw a couple of anticipatory BAR-RUMM! BA-DA-BA'S, then he draped it across that big old saggy limb and he commenced to wail. "RA-OOM! RA-OOM! WRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" MY GOODNESS! He laid into that thing with a vengeance and, before you knew it, a huge piece of that big old limb that had been hanging down there -- getting in every body's way -- creaked loudly, groaned some, broke off and crashed gracefully to the ground below. Just, I must add, as the rest of the branch -- suddenly unburdened of a great deal of weight -- went "SPROING!" And snapped smartly back to its previously near-vertical position. Which is to say that it, more or less, popped itself out from underneath the guy ... with the chain saw ... on the ladder. And he found himself, more or less, leaning against the atmosphere which, at an altitude of twelve feet or so, offers precious little resistance to guys standing on ladders holding chainsaws. Well, the ladder went one way and the tree trimmer went another. And the ladder-holder? Well, he didn't know which way to go so he just sort of stood there with his mouth open as the ladder landed next to him and the tree trimmer landed on top of him. You know, that ladder holder fits my definition of a true friend -- someone you can always count on to be there for you when you're looking for a place to crash. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Genetic Defects My son and his girlfriend were watching the news during the Gulf War. They were showing a clip of a "Smart Bomb" being released from a plane and traveling straight into the target with the TV camera in the nose of the bomb picking up everything right up to the point of impact. Whereupon, she (a blonde of course) turned to my son and asked, "I wonder how they get the film back?" He thought this was pretty funny so he told the story to her mother and brother later that day. Upon finishing the story, he laughed and was joined by the mother and brother. The brother then asked, "Well!! How *do* they get the film back?" ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Shandong, Sichuan, Syrian -- It's All The Same Thing One of my college classmates was a Muslim engineer from Syria. A couple of us decided Nuri was culturally deprived because he'd never had an Easter basket. (Not surprising since Muslims don't celebrate Easter.) We weren't deterred by that little factoid and put a big Easter goodie basket together then looked for someone he didn't know to deliver it while we were in class. I knew a Nursing student who had a great body so we decided to embellish the event by having her dress up as a Playboy version of the Easter bunny. Needless to say, class attendance was perfect that day. Diane knocked on the door and asked loudly for Nuri. She stepped through the door just as he walked up. Poor guy looked like he walked into a glass wall -- his eyes bulged and jaw dropped. Diane hammed it up and did a cute presentation of the Easter basket while Nuri struggled to keep his eyes above her shoulders. She concluded by saying, "Gee, you don't look at all Chinese." Nuri looked baffled and replied, "Of course not, I'm Syrian." When I asked her later where the Chinese question came from, she said she thought Syria was a province in China. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Dream Date for Short Men I recently walked into a Subway shop here in Chicago, ready for one of those 12" meatball sandwiches. The dialog went something like this... [Editor's Note: In the spirit of Collage 357, "CL" refers to the "Clue-Challenged" (ClueLess) individual in the exchange. ] CL: Can I help you? Me: How about one of those 12 inch meatball subs. CL: We only serve 6 inch and foot-long subs. ??????? ?????? Me: Okay, how about a foot-long meatball sub then. After she hands me the sandwich... [smart-a** mode on] Me: Wow, that thing must be twice the size of a 6 inch. CL: Just about. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: But He'll Be Making $40 Million a Year Soon ... While attending undergrad my cousin took a job as an athletic trainer for a high school football team. Notes: Public School Public School in Cleveland Public School in Cleveland on the East Side Being relatively young, compared to the coaches, the team would confide their gripes with my cousin. One member of the team complained that the coach always extended practice 10 minutes longer than scheduled. My cousin was confused; the coach kept a very tight schedule and was always on time. My cousin asked the player why he was upset with the coach. The player replied, "Coach said the practice would be over at quarter to six -- but practice never ends until 5:45." My cousin then tried to explain that quarter to six *is* 5:45. The player replied "Quarter to six is 25 to six or 5:35." At which point my cousin gave up on the conversation, not wanting to give a lesson on fractions and time and measurement. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: But The Canadians Have Very Poor Statistics On Taiwan I was involved in doing usability testing of a "One Stop Shopping" for federal statistics Web site that just went public a couple of weeks ago. (Check it out at !) We're getting user feedback (would love to have some from any of y'all who try the site), and some of it is hilarious. But this comment from one gal in Medicine Hat, Canada, took the prize for me. She said: Although I found this page interesting, it wasn't really what I was expecting, it is just really a regurgitation of statistics. But I suppose I can't expect a ton of information from a government page. Also, the statistics that I looked at only applied to Americans, I am Canadian. This was probably the most disappointing thing on this page. So let me get this straight: A Web site that advertises itself as a source of *United States Federal statistics* is disappointing because (a) it only delivers statistics -- not "information" -- and (b) it's restricted to the U.S. Wellll, excuuuuse us for living, Ms. Medicine Hat!! ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Physics According to Business Majors Your little story a couple of collages ago about the friend who drove *real* slow with his new car to save the miles reminded me of an incident in college. Traveling eastbound on the Ohio Turnpike, just past Toledo, we drove past a sign that read: NEW YORK 490 Miles 789 Kilmoeters Via Turnpikes My friend, a man almost done with his undergraduate studies at a Big Ten university, looked at me and said, "See, that's why I hope we never go to the Metric System; it'll take so much longer to get to places." I hope he never procreates. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Adventures of the "Clue Unencumbered" I recently refinanced my auto loan to secure a lower interest rate. It seemed like a good idea at the time. After spending 20 minute or so with the helpful management-type from my bank filling out forms, we had all the paperwork done. At this point, she told me I should walk the pay-off check down to the original bank so no more interest would accrue. I said that would be no problem as the bank was only 3 blocks away. She then informed me that she could submit the copies of the paperwork to her bank to forward to the original bank, or I could also take these down the street with me and the whole thing would be finished. I, being an efficiency-minded kinda guy, told her I'd take the paperwork with me. I got to the original bank and sat down with their management-type (and I use the term loosely). The conversation went something like this: ME: I want to pay off my auto loan. I have the check from my home bank and the paperwork for your files. CL: You can just take the check to one of the tellers, and we don't need the paperwork. Your bank will send the copies we need to our corporate office. ME: Actually, these are the copies that my bank would be sending. i just brought then with me. CL: We don't need those papers here. ME: I know they don't stay at this branch, but they need to be sent to your corporate office. CL: Your bank will send the copies our corporate office needs for filing. ME: No, no. These are those copies. There aren't any other copies of these forms to be forwarded. These are they. CL: But we don't need those here... ME: YES, I KNOW THAT. I brought the copies with me so they wouldn't have to be sent. Your corporate office needs these actual pieces of paper on file. Here they are. CL: No, your bank will send our corporate office the copies they need for filing. ME: I just have to give this check to the teller? CL: Yes (please note the friendly, oblivious smile on the Management-Type's face even at this point) ME: Thank you. I then kindly paid the teller, received my receipt, and walked back to my bank to return the forms so they could be forwarded through several unnecessary stops to the bank I had just left. So many idiots, so few comets. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Too Bad We Won The War I swear this is a true story... While working a T-Shirt booth at a recent car show in Memphis, I noticed the cash box was very low on singles. I quickly proceeded to ask a local food vendor next to our booth for some change. Holding up a $5 bill, I asked, "Do you have 5 singles for a five?" The lady behind the counter looked up at me with that 'HUH?!?' look. I asked again ... only to receive that same blank stare. The guy working the fryer behind her turned around and said, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" (He was right about that. I'm from New York, but what in the world did that have to do with me getting some change?) He tapped the lady on her shoulder and said, "He means five ones." "OOh!" she responded and kindly gave me the change. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Ca-Ka Jones I loved the recent "DUH award" Collage {Collage 157]. The F-as-in-Frank story reminded me of a time I was working over the summer break from law school just for a few weeks before my (unpaid) clerkship started doing gruntwork for a to-be-left-unnamed worldwide organization that did all kinds of good deeds and had membership all over the world. The one thing it didn't do well was hire bright staff. I was working in the department that was in charge of handling the membership records, changing names, and addresses, and updating our files if someone passed away, etc. The person put in charge of me was easily Level II Stupid. So one day we get in this change of address card from someone who obviously (to me anyway) couldn't remember if she had changed her name with our organization when she married (or divorced, I guess). So when she wrote her name, she put "Jane Smith (AKA Jones)" -- only she inadvertently left out the close parenthesis at the end of Jones, so it was written "(AKA Jones." Well, there was widespread panic: What did this mean -- CAKA Jones? I looked at the card and explained what it was -- parenthesis, Also Known As, her maiden name, and then a failure to write the close parenthesis. No one believed me. Supervisors were called over. The Level II DUH honoree who was in CHARGE of ME was directed by HER supervisor to actually call this woman to ask what CAKA Jones meant. I cringed in embarrassment as I listened to this phone call, and I didn't even have to make it. Sigh. Amazing more people don't drown in the rain. ----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]---------- SUBJ: Going By The Book Then there is the time that I was 12 years old and tried to get a public library card, and they said I couldn't because I had no picture ID. When I said I was TWELVE and therefore could NOT have a picture ID, they said a credit card bill or tax bill would suffice. I had some mail and magazines addressed to me, and my bus pass with my address, but this was not enough. Finally my Dad wrote a letter swearing I was who I said I was, and that he was my legal and biological father, and they should issue me a library card before I resort to a life of crime by stealing books. And they wonder why kids don't read more. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Express Math I have no idea which level of stupidity this woman fits into, so I'm not even going to guess. It's important to remember that this a true story ... I was in an unspecified grocery store a few months ago and saw a short middle-aged woman with a heaping cart, full of one of everything in the store, walk up to the express lane, which is 1 to 15 items only[1]. She walks up and stands under the sign, leans over to look up and read it, then looks down at her basket, as though she were counting. She then looks at the sign again, then at the basket. Sign ... Basket. I suppose she finished counting everything in the cart, as she kind of walked off toward the aisles again. The thing is, the express lane was closed. [1] Come to think of it, the sign actually reads "1 to 15 items or less only." [Editor's Note: She was probably trying to decide if she had less than 1 to 15 items ... ] ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: The Importance of Not Being Heard When I was in college at UC Berkeley, I clerked at a liquor store in South Berkeley. It was prom season, so we were alert for eighteen- year-olds trying to pass themselves off as twenty-one-year-olds. This young, gentlemen entered (I immediately thought "seventeen"), his hair all gooped up, his ruffled prom shirt on, and he selected two bottles of champagne. He noticed my tee shirt and asked, "UCSB. Do you go there?" I replied, "No, my brother gave it to me." His comment: "I'm going there next year!" ******************************************************************** Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy of the rest of us. ******************************************************************** "HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail list server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more information on Lyris, see . To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following command to : subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems, then either (1) send any message to for a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web interface at , or (3) send a *detailed* description of the problem to . To unsubscribe, (1) forward any HumourNet mailing (or blank message) to , (2) visit Lyris's Web interface at , or (3) refer to your Welcome message for detailed instructions. For instructions on contributing material to HumourNet, send any message to . >>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors, not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the text wherever possible. <<< The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP: Web: FTP: Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that 1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer, and 2) no fee is charged. Also: Be *SURE* to remove the footer (with your e-mail address) from this message before forwarding it! There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a copy of them, send any message to , or refer to your Welcome message. ******************************************************************** "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd. ******************************************************************** ************************ Subject: Collage 395: We're Baaaack!!! Date: 6/7/1998 2:35 PM Received: 6/7/1998 3:26 PM From: HumourNet To: The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour Collage 395 H u m o u r N e t 07 Jun 1998 I am proud to announce that HumourNet now has an ASSISTANT LISTMOM (that is, a "list manager") to help me manage the user side of the list. The new guy is hardly new -- his name is Marc Wolfe, and he hails from the records management (RECMGT) mailing list. (Few mailing lists have descriptions that sound even HALF as boring as "records management" -- but at least they seem to be aware of this fact.) Marc has a good deal of list management experience, a good sense of humour, a sharp wit, a Swiss bank account, and an ability to extort money from unsuspecting newbies. Thus, he was eminently qualified for the position. Let's give Marc a welcoming round of applause ... Okay, that's enough. So, if you have any questions or problems with your subscription, please be sure to send your message to , *NOT* to the old "listmom" address that is shown in your Welcome message. (The Welcome message has now been updated to reflect the new information.) Your message will be distributed to both Listmoms, who will collect the appropriate fees from you, will continue to just generally embezzle the entire organization, and will eventually flee the country with hundreds of millions of dollars in illicit cash acquired through bogus fees and money laundering. Hey, at least we're honest about it. You can get a copy of the updated Welcome message (it contains several other modifications, as well) by sending: get humournet hello ... in the subject OR body of a message to the Lyris list server: lyris@lyris.net NOTE THAT CONTRIBUTIONS ARE STILL SENT TO !! Do *not* send contributions to the new address; they will be ignored, along with all the other mail sent there. ;-) We're baaaaaack!! And what a vacation it was! John Mozena's opener in Collage 394 (27 April 98) generated so many unsubscribes that I was able to take a month-long trip to Tahiti. Would have been longer, but the e-mail started backing up. Okay, I've actually been VERY busy for the past few weeks, and have not had time to put together a Collage. (I feel very strongly that quality counts for more than quantity. Yes, our quality is low, but at least it's THERE, which is more than can be said for the rest of the Internet these days.) (Whoops! Except for www.thisistrue.com, www.amused.com, www.topfive.com, www.jokeaday.com, www.oraclehumor.com, and several others who will probably murder me shortly for forgetting to include them.) Nevertheless, there have been some significant changes around here since we last spoke -- not least of which is that my trusty 1990 Subaru Legacy upped and died on me after 220,000 nearly-maintenance- free miles. I had all forms of insurance coverage for the car -- but, unfortunately, *life* insurance was not one of them. I am now relegated to car shopping (and didn't even have time for THAT until more than two weeks had passed following the Official Auto Burial ceremony). Even MORE unfortunately, I made the mistake of test-driving a Land Rover "Discovery." Do you know how much one those things *COSTS*? WOW! I will need to collect a *LOT* of unsubscription fees before I can afford even the official plastic model of the vehicle. The Land Rover salesmen are great, though: "If you have to bargain, you probably can't afford it. Please go home, young boy; we're trying to get work done here." Okay, so the conversation didn't go EXACTLY like that -- more like this: Vince: "Wow, these Discoverys are pretty expen$ive!" Salesman: "Yes. But they ARE about thirty thousand dollars LESS than the Range Rovers." Vince: "So's my house." Salesman: "But did it come with a six-disc CD changer?" As you can see, I'm no match for the average car salesman. (Also note that my original translation was pretty close.) And while I'm off collecting unsubscription fees to finance this new endeavor, I'd like to remind everyone that (WARNING: Segue) the original Unsubscription Fee Debacle(tMS) in Collage 290 also spawned the HumourNet Benefactor program, whereby you can express your appreciation for all of the work that goes into the new bi-monthly Collages ;-) by sending a small (or large) cash donation to "The Seeing Eye" in Morristown, New Jersey: The Seeing Eye, Inc. ATTN: Rosemary Carroll Washington Valley Road Morristown NJ USA 07960 (Be sure to state that the donation is being made in the name of "HumourNet Communications, Ltd." I'd also appreciate it if you would please let me know when you make such a contribution to the cause -- but note that I am not interested in the amount of the donation). Just FYI: The Seeing Eye trains dog guides, which help blind people lead lives that we sighted people consider "normal" (whatever the heck THAT is supposed to mean). And since we have several blind subscribers here on HumourNet, I've decided to do a tribute Collage just for them: A collection of "blind humour." Now, before anyone goes totally nonlinear on me, you should all take note of several key points: 1. My blind subscribers have better senses of humour than many of my "blindness-impaired" subscribers (as will become painfully evident by the return mail that I will receive from this Collage). 2. The idea for this came about as a result of some rather amusing blind humour that was sent to me by one of my blind subscribers. 3. Almost all of the humour in today's Collage was submitted by blind subscribers -- so if you're unhappy about the theme of the Collage, then go find a blind person and yell at HIM. 4. The blind subscribers with whom I discussed the concept for a blind-humour Collage were decidedly in favor of the idea. 5. I really need the unsubscription fees in order to finance the Discovery I'd like to get. Thus, if you are inclined to kvetch and moan about the theme of this Collage, please just unsubscribe instead. You will be making a greatly-appreciated contribution the "Buy Vince A Cool New Car That He Really Doesn't Need" fund. (Thanks!) In case you are STILL unconvinced that you will fully appreciate the theme of this Collage, I would like to bring John Mozena back to Center Stage for a brief moment (plus, he's always good for those extra unsubscribes when you really need them). In a discussion we were having several months ago, John mentioned that there should be simple tests imposed on HumourNet subscribers to ensure that they are fully qualified to participate in a specific theme or type of joke. I'll let John pick up the narrative here ... The problem is that there's no stick we can use to weed out the lusers. Picture it, though: "You must be at least this --> callous to read the following joke." One can dream. Well, using John's new metric, you must be at least THIS --> callous to read the contents of this Collage. You've been warned. With that said, let me introduce today's contributors: Walt S. in Raleigh, North Carolina, starts things off with "The Adventures of Millicent Quattlebaum" and "Dog Guide Navigation -- Take One"; Mark D. in London, England, follows up with "Dog Guide Navigation -- Take Two," "Altimeters for the Blind," and "What's Your Name"; Terry G. in Italy brings us "Just Looking Around"; and Pastor Rus in Walworth, New York, finishes up with a likely urban legend, entitled "More From The Intellectual Proletariat." (Rus is also HumourNet's Official List Chaplain, and will surely spend some time in a warm place for his contribution to today's Collage. ;-) Speaking of urban legends, Mark in London also brings us piece which I have decided to name "Beware The Urban Legends"; this appears as the last piece in the Collage, and is included as an important public service. I would like to really, really, sincerely, from the bottom of my cold, maladjusted little heart, thank my blind subscribers for both their contributions to our first blind humour Collage *and* for the remarkable insights that they have given to the blindness-impaired moderator of this mailing list; they have truly helped me to understand and appreciate a great deal about their worlds. Listen and enjoy ... - Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator ____________________________________________________________________ Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message. ____________________________________________________________________ SUBJ: The Adventures of Millicent Quattlebaum A true story ... In a former incarnation, I was the first totally blind person to be graduated from an accredited Library Science program -- I thought I'd like to specialize in library services to the blind. Anyhow, while in school at the University of Pittsburgh, I wrote a nasty letter to the head of the subject headings section at the Library of Congress about the fact that at that time, they were still using "Seeing Eye Dog" as the *only* subject heading for books about dogs what lead blind folks into puddles, etc. Damned if they didn't *change* the subject heading as a result of my letter, not to the suggested "Dog Guides" (I pointed out that "Guide Dog" was just as much a brand name as "Seeing Eye Dog"), but they *did* change it to "Guide Dogs." My cataloging prof, who'd been around the track in that obscure corner of the library profession for maybe thirty years at the time, upped my grade one whole letter just for achieving this (to him) impossible feat. The lady's name who ran the subject heading section was, so help me God, Millicent Quattlebaum. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Dog Guide Navigation -- Take One Here's another great dog guide story -- when I was training, we used to sit around and swap these things ... Blind guy gets on to bus with dog guide. Nosy woman asks usual dumb-shit question, "How does that wonderful dog know where you want to go?" Blind guy responds, "Every morning, I tie a map of that day's travels to his collar." "There's no map tied to his collar now." "Goddamn it to hell! Lost again!" (This actually happened to someone whose word I, possibly naively, tend to trust.) ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Dog Guide Navigation -- Take Two I'm often asked the question, "How does the dog know where he's going?" Well, in homage to the '100 great ways to order a pizza(tMS)," I'm thinking of starting my own list: 1. He doesn't, I just follow him. Last time I knew where I was must have been a couple of weeks ago now. 2. He can read maps. 3. He just asks a policeman. 4. Haven't you heard about those new amazing guide cats? Now they _are_ clever. They know just about everything, so I just tell them where we're going and the dog just follows the cat. 5. We just talk about it, and once he says he knows, we're off. 6. He's got a GPS system built into his dog tag. 7. Sorry, can't stop, we're trying to shake off the policeman who's following us. 8. He doesn't. He's only a dog you know. 9. He counts the cracks in the pavement (sidewalk (sic)), which is why you'll always see his nose pointing down. 10. He doesn't always. Sometimes we do get lost. But then he just phones for a cab. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Altimeters for the Blind A blind guy is sitting in a bar talking to his friends about his recent parachute jump. They were all talking about just how great it felt to freefall and feel the rush of air. A guy sitting at the next table overheard the conversation and leaned over and said, "Excuse me, I can see from your guide dog that you're blind. If you don't mind my asking, when you're freefalling, how do you know when to open the chute?" "Easy", said the blind guy, "When the lead goes slack." ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: What's Your Name? Another 'favourite' of little old dears [Moderator's Note: Blindness- impaired people. ] is to ask _the dog_ "What's your name then?" I just stand there and pretend I didn't hear it. I mean, if they've asked the dog for his name, they would be really disappointed to be told that he can't actually speak. I wouldn't want to hurt their feelings, now would I? ;) If I've had one of 'those' days (funny how blind/disabled people just aren't supposed to have 'those' days), then I have been known to reply "He doesn't actually have a name, funnily enough. You know, they have _so_ many dogs that they just can't get round to giving them all names. Bit of a shame really, but I think that L1344 is quite a nifty little reference number, don't you?" And, strangely enough, this is often the last question they ask me... ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Just Looking Around A very elegantly dressed blind woman walks into Harrod's in London just before Christmas, accompanied by her dog. She pauses in the clothing department, picks up the dog, tosses him into the air and begins twirling him around and around at the end of his leash. After a minute, she lowers him to the floor and proceeds to the next department -- where she again throws her dog into the air and twirls him around and around on the end of his leash. A sales clerk, somewhat taken aback by this behavior, walks over to her and asks if she requires assistance. "No thank you," she replies, "I'm just looking around." ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: More From The Intellectual Proletariat The Baltimore Police Department, famous for it's superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident. Returning home from work, a woman had been shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 officer patrolling nearby was first on the scene. As he approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!" ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Beware The Urban Legends [Moderator's Note: As a public service to my blind subscribers, I am including this message from Mark in a small effort to increase awareness of things like the "Lucky" urban legend. Note Mark's words: "purely fictional tale." ] As a blind HumourNetter with a guide dog, I am getting a little tired of hearing on local TV and radio about the world's worst guide dog. The various versions of this purely fictional tale (or should that be tail?) are about a dog, usually called 'Lucky', which has proceeded to drag anything between 3 and 14 (!) owners off train platforms, under buses, off cliffs, and supposedly killed each one of them. Anyway, that's just a rant really, since I heard it _again_ this morning on the radio ... ******************************************************************** Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy of the rest of us. ******************************************************************** "HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail list server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more information on Lyris, see . To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following command to : subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems, then either (1) send any message to for a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web interface at , or (3) send a *detailed* description of the problem to . To unsubscribe, (1) forward any HumourNet mailing (or blank message) to , (2) visit Lyris's Web interface at , or (3) refer to your Welcome message for detailed instructions. For instructions on contributing material to HumourNet, send any message to . >>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors, not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the text wherever possible. <<< The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP: Web: FTP: Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that 1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer, and 2) no fee is charged. Also: Be *SURE* to remove the footer (with your e-mail address) from this message before forwarding it! There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a copy of them, send any message to , or refer to your Welcome message. ******************************************************************** "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd. ******************************************************************** ************************ Subject: Collage 396: Beautiful After Midnight Date: 6/22/1998 1:57 AM Received: 6/22/1998 7:03 AM From: HumourNet To: The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour Collage 396 H u m o u r N e t 22 Jun 1998 A Plea ... Some of you have noticed that our Web site (www.humournet.com) and FTP site (ftp.humournet.com) are no longer available. Unfortunately, the server we were on ("Elycion," at the University of Alberta) has run into some problems, and might be losing its connection to the 'Net. Thus, HumourNet.com is temporarily homeless. (Note that this is only the Web and FTP sites, not the mailing list; the list is hosted on Lyris by the nice folks at Lyris Technologies, Inc.) So, here's the deal: I need DNS hosting for humournet.com, plus Web hosting (about 5 meg), an anonymous FTP site (about 20 meg), two POP accounts, and about a dozen aliases (primarily used to manage my Usenet II hierarchy, which has been sadly neglected of late). I'd prefer a Unix variant (with a shell account ), but will settle for NT on the condition that it has a dedicated T3 with the first upstream router at a network peering point (MAE-EAST would be nice, since it's right down the street from me ;-). In exchange, you are welcome to a plug (for your hosting service) and a link on the front page -- and hey, any other pages that you'd like. Other plugs are possible, too -- such as in the ever-expanding HumourNet trailer. I wish I could offer more, but there simply is not a sufficient number of unsubscriptions to generate any meaningful revenue (despite John Mozena's best efforts (Collage 394)). However, Pastor Rus(tMS) has offered to bless whatever hosting service agrees to carry HumourNet. (Warning: Pastors don't generally "bless" things. As such, Rus is a little out of practice. For example, his most recent blessing, delivered this past Easter, was for peace between Pakistan and India. He means well, though. Really, he does.) If you are interested in putting up with me on a full-time basis (NOTE: Alan Skelley -- the owner of Elycion, and guy who has had to put up with me for the past two years -- has offered to talk you out of this), please drop me a note at . (Please note the spelling of "HumourNet" there -- if you spell it "HumorNet", your message will not reach me!) Most of you noticed that there was no Collage last week. This is generally not significant, especially on a list in which there has been only one posting in the past 8 weeks. Nevertheless, the absence of a Collage WAS significant ... I was shopping for cosmetics. There comes a day in every man's life when he is asked the question, "Would you like to join us at the semi-annual Aramis factory sale?" Well, maybe not EVERY man -- some, through either birth right or sheer luck, are somehow spared. But for the rest of you, I have only three words of advice, should this question ever be presented to you: KILL YOURSELF *NOW*. It's that simple. Sure, popping off to the Aramis factory sale might SOUND like a fun way to kill a Saturday morning -- but, take my word for it, you would be far better off eviscerating your eyeballs with a hot fork than shopping for cosmetics with a group of women. A group of *rabid* women, that is. Imagine a room filled with cosmetics. Now imagine women in that room. Women with credit cards and checkbooks. You get the picture. Do you have ANY idea how long it takes to pick out a lipstick? I certainly didn't. I do now. Really. In fact, I think I'm pretty well prepared to work the Clinique counter at the local department store. Let me sum it up for you this way: Entire political regimes can be toppled and reconstructed in the amount of time it takes for a woman to decide between "Desert Rose" and "Glowing Lilac" blush. And that's just the blush. There's also lipstick, eye shadow, eye liner, nail polish, hair spray, perfume, and pictures of the babies. And a whole assortment of other stuff. Then there are the perfume NAMES. My favorite was "Beautiful After Midnight." (I'm not making this up!) Doesn't matter what it smelled like -- the name just seems to conjure up images of a wearer who might be, uh, "appearance challenged" until right around last call. (Recommendation for the men in the audience: No matter HOW GOOD you think this stuff smells, DO NOT, under any circumstances, purchase it for your significant other.) I'll spare you the rest of the details; after all, this is a humour list, not a horror movie. Suffice it to say that, during the weekend of the NEXT semi-annual Aramis factory sale, there will be a Collage sent out to the list. I promise. And, of course, this leads us straight into the next "Relationships" Collage ... Karen in Colorado Springs, COlorado, starts us off with "Fidelity and Ferraris"; a little farther north, Randy Cassingham in Boulder, Colorado, brings us "'Dear Abby': An Eclectic's Collection"; Sandor in Ft. Belvoir, Virginia, sends along a "Role Model"; Shawn King, moderator of our sister list, Bawdy.Net, sends us a possible urban legend (but an amusing one, nonetheless), entitled "Lesson in Practicality"; Warren M. takes credit for sending me the first MSDS for "Man" that isn't just a whiney rewrite of the "Woman" version (the MSDS for "Woman" appeared back in Collage 20, and generated LOTS of responses, most of which were merely repackaged versions of the "Man" version), entitled "Equal Time"; Nancy C. in Bowmanville, Canada, accepts kudos for "A Breakthrough in Computer Technology"; and Steve V. in Evansville Indiana (formerly of Lakewood, Colorado) brings us on that is LONG overdue, known simply as "The Rules." (Note that most of the material in this Collage was submitted well over a year ago. Sorry, but it takes a long time for most material to work its way through the arduous-but-inefficient HumourNet Contribution Approval And Processing System.) Huge thanks, as always, to all our contributors. Enjoy! - Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator ____________________________________________________________________ Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message. ____________________________________________________________________ SUBJ: Fidelity and Ferraris There were once these 3 men -- Dave, Ron, and Tim. One day, they were all involved in a tragic car accident in which all 3 died. Now, they all stood at the gates of heaven. An angel came up to them and said, "You are all to be allocated a method for transportation around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly." The angel looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man! You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge." The angel next looked at Ron and said, "You, were not quite as bad. But since you cheated on your wife two times, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon." The angel finally looked at Tim, and said, "You, Tim, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will travel through heaven in a Ferrari." A short time later, Ron and Dave pull up in their cars next to Tim's Ferrari. There he is, sitting on the bonnet, head in hands, crying. "What's wrong, Tim?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?" Tim looked up, with his chipmunk cheeks all puffed out, and ever so slowly opened his mouth and said ... "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board." ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: "Dear Abby": An Eclectic's Collection DEAR ABBY: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese? CURIOUS DEAR ABBY: I've been married for six years and have five kids. No twins. My husband still wants to have sex every night and sometimes in the morning too. I told him he should get himself a hobby, and he says that is his hobby. ...I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his. ...I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. ...I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again. ...Will you please rush me the name of a reliable illegitimate doctor? ...Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? ...I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out? ...My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy. ...I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober. ...Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it. I met this nice guy who was in the service. He's the chief petting officer. ...This is the second marriage for both of us. And when my husband said "I Will" he knew damn well he couldn't. DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like? CAROL DEAR CAROL: Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie. DEAR ABBY: Are birth control pills deductible? KAY DEAR KAY: Only if they don't work. DEAR ABBY: Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early? WONDERING DEAR WONDERING: The baby was on time, the wedding was late. DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the same time? JAKE DEAR JAKE: Yes, and also hazardous. DEAR ABBY: I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions? ANNIE DEAR ANNIE: Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it. DEAR ABBY: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? SAM IN CAL. DEAR SAM: Yes. Run for public office. DEAR ABBY: I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits. ROSE DEAR ROSE: So would I. DEAR ABBY: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? BESS DEAR BESS: Night and Day. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Role Model A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel. The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a minor problem. PRIEST: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed. SISTER: I think that would be okay. They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later... SISTER: Father, I'm terribly cold. PRIEST: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet. Ten minutes later... SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold. PRIEST: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket. Ten minutes later... SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night. PRIEST: You're probably right. Get up and get your own darn blanket. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Lesson in Practicality A man said his credit card had been stolen -- but he decided not to report it, because the thief was spending less than his wife did. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Equal Time Man - A Chemical Analysis Element : Man Symbol : MN1 Quantitative : Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches. Discoverer : Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs) Occurrence : Found following dual element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen. Physical properties: a) Surface often covered with hair; bristly in some areas, soft in others. b) Boils when inconvenienced, melts if treated like a God. c) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol). d) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution. e) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo. f) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature. g) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick. h) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year. i) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo common ore. j) When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, and/or flattery are applied Chemical properties: a) Most forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible. b) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable conditions. c) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo. d) Usually willing to react with whatever is available. e) Reaction rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction effects (which tend to turn the specimen bright red. f) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody. g) When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements. h) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers. i) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety. j) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness. Storage: a) Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable reaction style. Uses: a) Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo. b) Can be used in recreational activities. Tests: a) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths. Caution: a) Tends to react extremely violently when other MN1 interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very malleable under correct conditions. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: A Breakthrough in Computer Technology Translated and adapted from soc.culture.russian: A breakthrough in computer technology has been made by the representatives of the growing population of female computer engineers. The new revolutionary processor is based on female logic and utilizes the following four values for logical operators: 0) neither YES nor NO 1) YES or NO 2) NO three times 3) NO -- and never mention it to me again! ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: The Rules 1. The Female always makes the rules. 2. The Female is NEVER wrong! 3. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification or approval from the Male. 4. No Male can possibly know all of the rules. 5. If the Female suspects that the Male knows all of the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules. 6. In the unlikely event that the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which is a direct result of something the Male said or did. 7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding. 8. The Female can change her mind at any time with or without a reason. 9. The Male can never change his mind without written consent and approval from the Female. 10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time and for any reason. 11. The Male must be calm at all times unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset. 12. The Female is NEVER required to let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset. 13. No anger or emotional outburst on the part of the Female may be blamed on PMS. This will result in swift and extreme retribution. 14. Any attempt to document these rules may result in bodily harm or death to the Male. ******************************************************************** Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy of the rest of us. ******************************************************************** "HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail list server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more information on Lyris, see . To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following command to : subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems, then either (1) send any message to for a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web interface at , or (3) send a *detailed* description of the problem to . To unsubscribe, (1) forward any HumourNet mailing (or blank message) to , (2) visit Lyris's Web interface at , or (3) refer to your Welcome message for detailed instructions. For instructions on contributing material to HumourNet, send any message to . >>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors, not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the text wherever possible. <<< The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP: Web: FTP: Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that 1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer, and 2) no fee is charged. Also: Be *SURE* to remove the footer (with your e-mail address) from this message before forwarding it! There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a copy of them, send any message to , or refer to your Welcome message. ******************************************************************** "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd. ******************************************************************** ************************ Subject: Collage 397: To Net Or Not To Net Date: 7/20/1998 3:37 AM Received: 7/20/1998 7:03 AM From: HumourNet To: The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour Collage 397 H u m o u r N e t 20 Jul 1998 Well, I'd hoped to have the new HumourNet Web site and FTP archives in place before sending out the next Collage, but it's just not going to happen. I came very close, though -- the new site is in place, and the archives are all there, I just have some broken links that need fixing. I'll get to them, I promise. In the meantime, I owe a great debt of gratitude to Richard Rognlie of gamerz.net. Rich is a great guy, and a fellow anti-spam activist. Moreover, he didn't even want any recognition for hosting HumourNet! Hmmmm ... Come to think of it, Rich might be a lot smarter than I thought. Well, that's too bad -- if you're going to host HumourNet, you're just going to have to learn to deal with the stigma. So, I encourage everyone to kindly drop by our host's site and check it out; it's an interesting site, especially if you're into games (and who knows -- if enough of us drop by, maybe we can bring down his server ;-). Check it out at . And, of course, HumourNet's new site -- broken links and all -- is at . (33% shorter than the old URL!) And finally, here's an offer for all the struggling Web designers out there: If you are interested in "making over" HumourNet's Web site, and getting a plug (not a banner, though, since I don't do banners) with a link to your site on any/all of the Web pages that you redesign, drop me a note with a subject of "Web Design." Be sure to include a small sampling of some Web sites you've already done (not more than two or three, as that's the most that I'll have time to look at). Note: I probably will not be able to respond to messages for about a week and a half, so please be patient. BTW, if you've never seen the HumourNet Web site, check it out. With a site like that, I could almost apply to for E.P.A. funding to have it redesigned. (FWIW, someone started to redesign the site a couple of years ago; see for a look at the beta site.) And speaking of all things Internet, today's Collage is a collection of Internet humour that has been languishing 'round these parts for quite a while. The topic is primarily Internet prose and poetry. It's mostly geek material, though, so be sure to put on your Coke-bottle glasses before reading it ... Doug L. in [glowing] Oak Ridge, Tennessee, starts this one off with an original piece, "To Net Or Not To Net"; George P, an old friend of mine from the Army Research Laboratory in Adelphi, Maryland, brings us an old one that I swore I'd never run. Well, you've finally worn me down, so "Seuss Tech" is making its long-overdue appearance on HumourNet today. Kaiti in Alexandria, Virginia, brings us the "Ode to Spammers"; Neil J. at George Mason University in Virginia sends along some more catchy tunes in the piece, "Songs to Program By"; Eric N. in Canton, Massachusetts, adds another Beatles cover with "Yesterday"; and Craig L. in Minneapolis, Minnesota, finishes with a flourish with "Abbott & Costello Meet UNIX." Huge round of applause to our contributors. And another big "thanks!" to Rich Rognlie and gamerz.net for hosting the HumourNet Web site and FTP archive. (In the next Collage, I'll be providing URLs for some of the other great folks who also offered to host HumourNet.) Enjoy! - Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator ____________________________________________________________________ Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message. ____________________________________________________________________ SUBJ: To Net Or Not To Net, That Is The... By D.G. LaVerne Question: whether 'tis more poss'ble for the Surfer to take arms 'gainst a sea of bits And thereby, at one a.m., to get on? To Net, to dial--and dial, and dial--No more! And dialing so to get nine "Busy" or Ten "Scripted Login Failed" the Net's now Heir to--'tis consummation little to Be wish'd. To Net, to dial. No use! Perchance To curse at AOL--ay, there's the rub! For in the dark of three a.m. what luck Will give, after we've tried from morn' to Midnight, must give us pause. There's the respect That makes calumny at one's ISP; For who would bear the whips and scorn geek friends Give, the spouse's long, proud contumely, the Significant Others' delayed response At law, the insolence of "Connection Failed" windows spurning one's electronic Advances, when he might be better off With a dime-store novel? Who would gates hold up, To punt one's sweat under a bleary light, But that the dread of something after dearth Of undiscovered Web, from whose thrall no Nerd returns yet cogent, puzzles the will, And makes us rather keep at bit-born salve Than fly to Aruba, which we would love? Our science has made cuckolds of us geeks. And thus the native bound of resolution Is sicklied o'er by malicious applets And enterprises for great jack-pots' wealth With this regard their current turn awry And lose their promise post-haste. (c) Copyright D.G. LaVerne Reprinted on HumourNet with permission. Working Title: To C Or Not To C Also read at "Writers' Block", TN Mtn. Writers' Conf. '97 ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Seuss Tech If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash! If the label on your cable on the gable at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall. And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom! ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Ode to Spammers By Daniel E. Macks I do not want your MLMs; I don't want to see nude teenage femmes. I do not want psychic advice, So there's no need to mail me thrice. I do not like New Jerseyan swearing, And I don't want the panties you're wearing. I do not want your Asian chicks; I don't care about your lame stock picks. I do not want to see Pam's bod, Don't care about your views on God. I don't want calling cards prepaid, Nor Herbalife's new diet aid. So, Dave Rhodes, lawyers Seigel and Canter, And the "I am so great" ranter, And all you others who have no name-- Whether small-time or of nanae fame: I do not want to sound too crass, But I think someone should kick your /dev/null. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Songs to Program By Title: Eleanor Rigby Eleanor Rigby Sits at the keyboard And waits for a line on the screen Lives in a dream Waits for a signal Finding some code That will make the machine do some more. What is it for? All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? Guru MacKenzie Typing the lines of a program that no one will run; Isn't it fun? Look at him working, Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile; It takes a while.... All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? Eleanor Rigby Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work; Feels like a jerk.. Guru MacKenzie Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code; Nothing will load.. All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? ----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]---------- Title: Unix Man (Nowhere Man) He's a real UNIX Man Sitting in his UNIX LAN Making all his UNIX plans For nobody.. Knows the blocksize from du(1) Cares not where /dev/null goes to Isn't he a bit like you And me? UNIX Man, please listen(2) My lpd(8) is missin' UNIX Man The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command. >> He's as wise as he can be Uses lex and yacc and C UNIX Man, can you help me At all? UNIX Man, don't worry Test with time(1), don't hurry UNIX Man The new kernel boots, just like you had planned. >> He's a real UNIX Man Sitting in his UNIX LAN Making all his UNIX plans For nobody ... Making all his UNIX plans For nobody.. ----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]---------- Title: Write in C ("Let it Be") When I find my code in tons of trouble, Friends and colleagues come to me, Speaking words of wisdom: "Write in C." As the deadline fast approaches, And bugs are all that I can see, Somewhere, someone whispers: "Write in C." Write in C, Write in C, Write in C, oh, Write in C.. LOGO's dead and buried, Write in C.. I used to write a lot of FORTRAN, For science it worked flawlessly.. Try using it for graphics! Write in C.. If you've just spent nearly 30 hours, Debugging some assembly, Soon you will be glad to Write in C.. Write in C, Write in C, Write in C, yeah, Write in C.. BASIC's not the answer.. Write in C.. Write in C, Write in C Write in C, oh, Write in C.. Pascal won't quite cut it.. Write in C.. ----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]---------- Title: Something Something in the way it fails, Defies the algorithm's logic! Something in the way it core dumps... I don't want to leave it now I'll fix this problem somehow Somewhere in the memory I know, A pointer's got to be corrupted.. Stepping in the debugger will show me... I don't want to leave it now I'm too close to leave it now You're asking me can this code go? I don't know, I don't know.... What sequence causes it to blow? I don't know, I don't know.... Something in the initializing code? And all I have to do is think of it! Something in the listing will show me.... I don't want to leave it now I'll fix this tonight I vow! ----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]---------- Title: Yesterday Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay. Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday. Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be, And there's a milestone Hanging over me The system crashed so suddenly. I pushed something wrong What it was I could not say. Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay. Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away. I knew my data was all here to stay, Now I believe in yesterday. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Abbott & Costello Meet UNIX A Customer calls a UNIX consultant with a question ... Customer: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program? UNIX consul: Yes, that's correct. Customer: No, what is it? UNIX consul: Yes. Customer: So, which is the one? UNIX consul: No. 'which' is used to find the program. Customer: Stop this. Who are you? UNIX consul: Use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'. You can also 'finger yoo' to get information about yoo'. Customer: All I want to know is what finds the revision code? UNIX consul: Use 'what'. Customer: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true? UNIX consul: No. 'true' gives you 0. Customer: Which one? UNIX consul: 'true' gives you 0. 'which programname' Customer: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it? UNIX consul: Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what program' to get the revision code. Customer: I want to find the revision code. UNIX consul: You can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what program'. Customer: Which command will do what I need? UNIX consul: No. 'which command' will find 'command'. Customer: I think I understand. Let me write that. UNIX consul: You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your system. Customer: Write what? UNIX consul: No. 'write that'. 'what program'. Customer: Cut that out! UNIX consul: Yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the options. Customer: Do you always do this? UNIX consul: 'du' will give you disk usage. Customer: HELP! UNIX consul: 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS). Customer: You make me angry. UNIX consul: No, I don't 'make me' angry but I did 'make programname' when I was upset once. Customer: I don't want to make trouble, so no more. UNIX consul: No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every system has 'more'. Customer: Nice help! I'm confused more now! UNIX consul: Understand that since 'help' is such a small program, it is better not to 'nice help' and 'more now' is not allowed but 'at now' is. Unless of course 'now' is a file name. Customer: This is almost as confusing as my PC. UNIX consul: I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you to the Pascal compiler team. ******************************************************************** Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy of the rest of us. ******************************************************************** "HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail list server from Lyris Technologies, Inc. For more information on Lyris, see . HumourNet's Web and FTP sites are hosted by gamerz.net; see . To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following command to : subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems, then either (1) send any message to for a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web interface at , or (3) send a *detailed* description of the problem to . To unsubscribe, (1) forward any HumourNet mailing (or blank message) to , (2) visit Lyris's Web interface at , or (3) refer to your Welcome message for detailed instructions. For instructions on contributing material to HumourNet, send any message to . >>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors, not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the text wherever possible. <<< The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP: Web: FTP: Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that 1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer, and 2) no fee is charged. Also: Be *SURE* to remove the footer (with your e-mail address) from this message before forwarding it! There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a copy of them, send any message to , or refer to your Welcome message. ******************************************************************** "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd. ******************************************************************** ************************ Subject: Collage 398: Adventures of the Terminally Stupid Date: 8/2/1998 5:31 PM Received: 8/2/1998 6:14 PM From: HumourNet To: The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour Collage 398 H u m o u r N e t 02 Aug 1998 Quick notes: I suffered a disk crash about a week ago, and restored from a 2 July backup; all mail received for the past few weeks was lost. Thus, if you sent me an offer to redesign HumourNet's Web interface, please re-send it. (Nothing else really needs to be re-sent. ;-) Also, those of you who filter your e-mail will note that several key addresses in the Collage message header have changed; these changes should be permanent, and should help the Intellectual Proletariat more easily recognize which addresses are NOT to be used when writing to me. (In short, anything with "bounces" in the address is a no-no.) Longer note ... In the previous Collage, I announced that HumourNet's Web and FTP sites are now being hosted by gamerz.net. The decision was not an easy one, though; there were nearly 300 respondents to my request for hosting services, and many of the offerors are also providing top-notch hosting services. As my way of saying thanks to the brave men and women who looked humiliation and public outrage square in the eye, and courageously composed and mailed their bids to host HumourNet, I have offered to compound their abasement by posting their company names and URLs to the mailing list. What follows is a partial list; I will post the rest in the following issue ... Interactive Email Games http://www.zelepress.com CBC Computing http://www.cbc-computing.com Sandwich.Net Internet Services http://www.sandwich.net BRAM Corporation http://www.bram.net Cult of The SHAFT! http://www.shaftnet.org CrayNet Technologies http://www.craytech.net Digital Marketing Online http://www.digitalmo.com Naive offer of a home http://www.ftech.net/~monark Pegasus Web Technologies http://www.pwebtech.com Kingdom of Breckinshire http://www.angelfire.com/fl/breckinshire Mouse Hole Productions Web Site Design and Hosting: http://www.mouseholeproductions.com One-stop shopping place for all your CD/DVD Supplies: http://www.cd-supply.com And, of course, our host -- gamerz.net: http://www.gamerz.net Speaking of the HumourNet Web site, all of the links on the new site should now be fixed and ready to go: . Enjoy! As we're all aware, Alan Shepard -- the first American astronaut -- died on July 22nd, 1998. I happened to be staying at a hotel in New Jersey at that time, which means that (1) I had nothing to do with it, and (2) I got to read about it the next morning in that quintessential hotel newspaper, "USA Today." Now, I usually like McPa^H^H^H^H USA Today; the lengths of the stories are comparable to my attention span, and the writing is usually relatively good (as journalism goes). But when I see reporting such as that in the Shepard article, I just have to comment on it ... "Death Of A Hero: Shepard's Ride Lifted USA Into The Space Age" By Paul Hoversten Thur., July 23, 1998 ... His 15-minute suborbital plop aboard Freedom 7 on May 5, 1961, made Shepard an instant hero as the first American in space.... With a single mission, the 37-year-old Navy lieutenant commander threw down a challenge to the Soviet Union, which had put one of its own men, Yuri Gagarin, into orbit just 23 days before. "Threw down a challenge"? WHAT challenge? Perhaps the challenge was, "No matter WHAT you do, we're going to be RIGHT BEHIND YOU." Or maybe, "The NEXT time you beat us to the punch, we're going to be only TWENTY TWO days behind. And then 21, and then 20...." Yep, I'm sure that the Soviets were sweating inside their beaver caps just thinking about it. ... Shepard's flight was the opening salvo in a tumultuous decade that changed forever the way Americans saw themselves and their place in the universe. "Opening salvo"? I guess we somehow failed to notice the heavy artillery that had pummeled us just three weeks earlier. But at least it "changed forever the way Americans saw themselves and their place in the universe"; clearly, the author is referring to "second place" here. ... Had the flight not been a success, Kennedy almost certainly would not have pitched the idea of a moon landing in his address to Congress 20 days later.... Now THERE'S a radical concept: "If we screw up one more time, well, then maybe we shouldn't bet the farm just yet on a mission that's several orders of magnitude more difficult than this one." A whole country of little boys in crewcuts were trading cowboy hats for space helmets. A generation of little girls aspired to heights they never would have dreamed. What -- you mean becoming astronauts' wives? ... Shepard's death means that of 12 moonwalkers, 10 are still living. THIRTEEN moonwalkers -- 11 are still living, and one has gone triple platinum five times (and set his hair on fire once). Normally, I'd try to follow this up with a "journalism humour" Collage; sadly, though, I have no such collection, as nearly everything that appears in the newspaper could be categorized as journalism humour -- and the file would grow without bound. So, instead, I've decided to run some technology-related "Stupid People" selections ... Hailing from Winona, Minnesota, Pat starts the fun with "Too Stupid For My Modem, Take 1"; your beloved (and slightly overworked) HumourNet moderator brings you the follow-up piece, "Too Stupid For My Modem, Take 2"; Dave in Tempe, Arizona, helps the chronicle the electronically and encephalographically challenged with "Too Stupid For My Modem, Take 3"; "Saint" John in Philadelphia takes credit for "The Spams of Wrath"; and Duncan in California finishes with a flourish in "Thank You For Calling AT&T." Just be thankful that none of the subjects of today's Collage is you. (And if it is, I *don't* want to hear about it. ;-) Huge thanks to our contributors. Enjoy! - Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator ____________________________________________________________________ Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message. ____________________________________________________________________ SUBJ: Too Stupid For My Modem, Take 1 Last weekend I got a letter from another Luminet user that was just an attached file that was Zipped. I wrote back to say that I wasn't going to open it unless I knew what it was, since I didn't know him at all. He wrote back pretty aggrieved to say that it was the text of a letter to Rush Limbaugh at his Compuserv address that had somehow gone astray. I deleted it all and forgot about it. Then this morning the following letter appeared in the paper. [Editor's Note: All travesties of language were left intact in the following correspondence. ] "EMAILERS BEWARE" Sunday evening, October 6, 1996, I sent an email to Rush Limbaugh with an address I though was his. This email was the same letter I sent to my congressmen several months ago. Congressmen like to have you tell them how you feel about issues. Money morning about 3 am, I turned on the internet and recalled my email. There were about eight letters. They were very irate that I sent them unsolicited political email. Some requested that I remove their address from my address book. Some said if it was not a mistake, I should be removed from the internet. I have sent several emails to relatives and friends before and never had a problem. I use Eudora and Netscape 2.01 tieh my 486-33mh PC and Windows 3.1. Who's fault was this? Did I accidentally request multiple mailings or did the internet goof? It was very embarrassing. The moral of the story is when you send email to anybody, due to the complications of internet inter workings, you may be sending that email to everybody in town or in the country. Maybe due to the complications of the internet, only licensed and trained users should have access to the internet. [Editor's Note: Maybe only those people with IQs over, say, *45* should have access to the Internet. ] It took me two months after I recieved my password before I finally got on the internet. [Editor's Note: Make that 55. ] I was really not pushing very hard. I had learned the internet by trial and error and a few phone calls. Now I realize that snail mail isn't so bad after all, it goes only where you send it. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Too Stupid For My Modem, Take 2 A few years ago, there was a very amusing "Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide" piece that was circulating the 'Net. (What appears below is an edited version; you can see the entire text in Collage 77, which I ran on HumourNet more than three years ago.) In November, 1996, the following message was posted to the SPAM-L (counter-spam) mailing list. The author was completely serious about it. I wanted to cry for all humanity. - Vince ----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]---------- Date: Wed, 20 Nov 1996 22:43:03 -0500 To: SPAM-L@PEACH.EASE.LSOFT.COM From: Subject: WORST SPAM EVER! I got this via e-mail, and I wanted to share it because it is truly the worst piece of SPAM ever created. I thought it was a joke until they asked for money. This is so sleazy, I actually forwarded it to the Central California FBI Office. Just a quick note: DHMO (Dihydrogen Monoxide) is WATER. >Join the Fight to Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide! > >Do your share to help to rid the world of this dangerous chemical. >The US Congress has been blinded to the dangers of DHMO by corporate >and military interests who pollute the environment for their own >ends. Congress must learn that the American people will not stand by >and watch the planet be destroyed! > >WRITE TO YOUR CONGRESSPERSON TODAY!!! > >There is also much that can be done on a local level. Alert your >local government or newspaper if DHMO is contaminating your area. > >Although the Coalition is primarily an American organization, we >also have supporters in the UK, and are working towards educating >people in other counties to the global hazards we are facing. > >But we need your help! Send your contributions to: > >The Coalition to Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide >211 Pearl St. >Santa Cruz CA 95060 > >Picture a world without dihydrogen monoxide! > >The Coalition's efforts have been written up in the 5/18/96 issue of >"The New Scientist", and also in the "Chemical and Engineering >News," the newsmagazine of the American Chemical Society. ----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]---------- Following this rather amusing "warning" message to SPAM-L, someone tried (very gently) to set the author straight, informing her that the entire "Coalition" and supposed "fight" to ban DHMO was just a prank. Here is her reply: ----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]---------- Date: Fri, 22 Nov 1996 11:35:45 -0500 To: SPAM-L@PEACH.EASE.LSOFT.COM From: Subject: Re: WORST SPAM EVER! John, Thanks. As a chem major, it strikes me as sleazy on several levels, not the least of which is the solicitation for money. <.sig removed> ----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]---------- *sigh* I really have to wonder whether the FBI field agents are still laughing about this ... ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Too Stupid For My Modem, Take 3 I was working as a PC support person for a large computer reseller. I worked in the Sales Department assisting with network issues, setting up new users, moving people, etc. They asked me to do an emergency move for one long-time rep. I moved her computer equipment, hooked everything up and got her into the network. I tested the modem and the fax machine to make sure everything was working just fine. I informed her that she was ready to go and went back to other things. About an hour later, she tracked me down and informed me that her modem and fax (both external to the PC) were not working. Confused, since I had tested them out, I followed her back to her cube -- and, sure enough, no power to either the fax or the modem. Crawling under her desk, I noticed that she had moved the power strip (that these two items were plugged into) from one end of the cube to the other, so she could plug her fan into it. Upon further investigation, it seemed this bright lady (natural blonde, or so I'm told) had plugged her power strip into itself! I told her if she ever got this "self-generating power strip" to work, let me know and we'd patent it! ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: The Spams of Wrath By John Morrison [Editor's Note: A while back, John Morrison and several of his friends were having a discussion about spam and how to stop it. Knowing my strong anti-spam stance, John forwarded the discussion to me. Edited out for brevity is the set-up by Brian Siano, in which he recommends trailing known spammers, waiting until opportune moments, and then "working them over." Note that I do not actually condone this practice (nor do I condemn it. ;-) Anyway, we start in with a quote from Noam Chomsky, who -- like Barbra Striesand and many others -- really should stick to his profession and try to avoid the political commentary ... ] "The Internet is an elite organization. Most of the population of the world has never even made a phone call." -- Noam Chomsky I bet you could get a lot of people in on this. Maybe after only one blockhead got whupped, there'd be all sorts of websites devoted to discussions about it. Newsgroups -- alt.fiction.CAUCE.violent. Maybe even an alt.binaries.erotica group; the ONLY one that would be COMPLETELY FREE from BBS ads plastered across it every six hours. The top prize, of course, would be zipping Sanford Wallace into a body bag and whacking him repeatedly with rubber hoses while he was forced to lie in darkness in a pool of his own filth. Maybe we could even re-name him "Tonya." And the best part is that we'd get off scot-free, even if we were caught. They'd have to go to the Ozarks to find people that haven't gotten unsolicited eMail, no matter what Professor Chomsky says; and I can just imagine the jury selection process: PROSECUTOR: "Potential Juror number 2.60344e7, have you ever received a piece of unsolicited eMail?" POTENTIAL JUROR: "Yes." PROSECUTOR: "Your honor, this juror is unacceptable." JUDGE: "Well, that does it for New York. Which state comes after that? Oklahoma?" POTENTIAL JUROR: "The last time I logged on I had eighty-three messages from CyberPromotions. If these guys hadn't removed his kidneys and left him in a bathtub full of ice, I would've." DEFENSE ATTORNEY: "Your honor, this juror is acceptable to the defense." JUDGE: "Hell with this. Just hang his flabby white spamming butt, give those two guys a pension, and let's all go home." OVER 26 MILLION POTENTIAL JURORS IN UNISON: "I get to kick the lever!" ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Thank You For Calling AT&T I work for customer service at AT&T, and we often have to deal with the most confounding questions and responses from customers. Here are a few taken from a compilation called "Thank You for Calling AT&T." "Thanks for calling AT&T, this is Londa." "Who did I Call? LONDON?" "No, this is Londa." "WHERE? LONDON, ENGLAND?" "I've been on hold four months." "Can you tell me if my calling card is in my wallet?" "I was trying to abuse my calling card, and it's just not working!" "So...which adult party line would YOU choose?" "Is 30% more than 10%?" "I want you to check my bill to see if I would save money on a different plan." "I'd be glad to do that. May I have your area code and phone number? "You'll have to look it up. It's a non-published number. I don't give it out." "I think you're screwing me! I'm going to throw my phone out the window with me in it!" "To place a call, you just dial 1-800-OPERATOR." "How do you spell `operator?' I'm not a math wizard, you know." "I didn't make those calls...I can't even read or write!" "Where is area code 900?" "I want to tell you about this phone I invented. The AT&T operator was very rude to me--IS THIS SPRINT?" "Is October before or after November?" "Hello, can I have the number for AT&T?" "Is this an average size bill for you?" "I think so...it's usually around 3 by 5." "I just dialed a wrong 800 number. Will I be charged?" "That call is to an adult entertainment line." "Oh, well, at least he's still interested!" "I need credit on my bill because my dad died tomorrow and I'm broke." "I just dialed this psycho line and it's disconnected!" "I want to know what I can do about harassing phone calls. These people are threatening me and my wife, and now they are getting obscene with my daughter! I don't know who it is ... they always call collect." "I want L-O-R-D as my PIN number, but don't use my wife's name as the card number. It has 666 in the middle." "Can I put money in this pay phone?" "No, ma'am, AT&T will not call the police if you don't pay your bill." "I lost my checkbook tonight, and I need to cancel my checks." "Is there anything else I can help you with?" "Not unless you know any hookers in Rock Hill." "Hi...I have a sticker on my phone that says, `Call ATT,' so I'm calling." "Can you tell me where this 900 number goes?" "That is a True Confessions line." "But we're not Catholic!" "All my calls are within a 20-mile-an-hour radius." "How can I help you?" "You can get this dog and cat off of me!!!" "What countries do you usually call?" "Germany and New Jersey." "Can you hold...I have a fire going on in here." "Zero-zero? I just dial those three numbers? That's all?" "My boyfriend is in the Forest Service and he's been on fire all week." "I want you to freeze my phone bill. I've got permission from God." "Our Fraud Department will be investigating these calls." "The Frog Department? Would you spell that?" "AT&T is responsible for the swastikas on my door yesterday!" "I'm calling from my condom and I can't get out...did I just say condom? I meant CONDO!" "What state do you live in?" "Taylorsville." "I'm going to church to see if God can explain my phone bill to me." "I can explain it to you, ma'am." "Yeah, but I like His explanations better." "Can I get your name, please?" "Who." "Yours. Can you give me your name, please?" "Yes ... my name is spelled H-U." "I was just trying to call 1-800-FUN-COLOR to choose turquoise blue as my favorite for the new M&M colors, but I got Skylab! The FBI isn't going to arrest me, are they?" "I need a number I called recently. It should be on my next bill." "I'm sorry, sir. Those calls are stored on magnetic tape. We don't see them until the bill is printed." "Then go listen to the tape!" "Sir, those tapes are in a storage facility." "That's okay. I'll wait." [Editor's Note: Either he didn't save the little scrap of paper on which he'd written the number, or his wife washed his pants before he could put it somewhere safe. ] ******************************************************************** Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy of the rest of us. ******************************************************************** "HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail list server from Lyris Technologies, Inc. For more information on Lyris, see . HumourNet's Web and FTP sites are hosted by gamerz.net; see . To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following command to : subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems, then either (1) send any message to for a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web interface at , or (3) send a *detailed* description of the problem to . To unsubscribe, (1) forward any HumourNet mailing (or blank message) to , (2) visit Lyris's Web interface at , or (3) refer to your Welcome message for detailed instructions. For instructions on contributing material to HumourNet, send any message to . >>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors, not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the text wherever possible. <<< The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP: Web: FTP: Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that 1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer, and 2) no fee is charged. Also: Be *SURE* to remove the footer (with your e-mail address) from this message before forwarding it! There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a copy of them, send any message to , or refer to your Welcome message. ******************************************************************** "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd. ******************************************************************** ************************ Subject: Collage 399: The Slaughter Continues Date: 8/17/1998 12:24 AM Received: 8/17/1998 7:53 AM From: HumourNet To: The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour Collage 399 H u m o u r N e t 16 Aug 1998 The new iMac is out! Time for everyone to act as if this is a big deal. Okay, so it's a computer in a quasi-clear case; this is not exactly the first time anyone has done something like this. What *I* want to know is if you have to plug it into a clear green plastic UPS in order to power it up ... But of course, the staple target around here is Microsoft. (And why not? They provide endless hours of amusement and entertainment.) Some of you apparently noticed the following passage in the Welcome message you received when you joined HumourNet: Finally, note that we *do* pick on Microsoft around here.... HumourNet is very Unix and Mac oriented. Remember, we're just having fun here; there's no need to get upset about light-hearted jabs at HQ Wintel(tMS). And Lindsay in Queensland, Australia, had *this* to say in response: Screw the light-hearted jabs; I use, manage, configure and program Win 3.1, Win95 & Win NT computers & applications every DAY! I want to see you *SLAUGHTER* all Wintel topics -- blood, more blood! Well, Linz, there's really no need for me to slaughter Microsoft; they are doing an admirable job of it all by themselves. What needs to be slaughtered are the sheep who continue to *purchase* the cr -- uh, "stuff," despite all the problems. Take my Division at work, for example; we just purchased several copies of Microsoft Project for the program managers. For those of you who are blissfully ignorant, MS Project is project management, planning, and scheduling software. So, let me get this straight: We're supposed to use project- management software developed by a company that has never delivered a single project on time in its history? Yeah, this makes sense -- in a parallel universe, perhaps. But enough of that; it's time to let the Great Unwashed Masses take the reins on today's Microsoft Slaughter ... David Hemming in the United Kingdom starts us off with an original and amusing piece entitled, "Seven Deadly Sins For Windows"; Jon B. in Phoenix, Arizona, brings us "You Are Not Alone" -- the true tale of Man vs. The Windows Operating System; Rich Laniewski (one of the co-moderators for the net.humour.bawdy newsgroup) in Sandy, Utah, takes credit for another original piece, "Down Time Pays Off For Windows Users"; Steve Willoughby, owner of the Oracle Humor Mailing List and Web Site , sent me a personal message that I just *had* to run, entitled, "MS Barney"; Randy Cassingham, owner of the "This is True" mailing list(s) (see or your Welcome message for details) brings us still ANOTHER original piece, "Windows 98 Q&A"; Nick in Kansas City, Missouri, contributes some original thoughts with "Microsoft's Secret Business Plan"; and Christine in Denver, Colorado, follows up on the "You Make a Grown Man Cry" piece (in Collage 367) with her comments in "You Make a Grown Man Cry -- Reprise." See? I don't have to write anything! When it comes to Microsoft, there's nothing like the hordes of satisfied Windows users to lead the charge. Many thanks to each and every one of them. As Douglas Adams, author of the "Hitchhiker" series, said: "Macintosh -- we might not get everything right, but at least we knew the century was going to end." Enjoy ... - Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator ____________________________________________________________________ Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message. ____________________________________________________________________ SUBJ: Seven Deadly Sins For Windows (c) Dave Hemming Aug 1997. May be circulated electronically providing attribution is retained. Not to be physically circulated without my prior consent. THE CATHOLIC CHURCH (A WHOLLY-OWNED SUBSIDIARY OF MICROSOFT PLC) PRESENTS --- THE --- --- SEVEN --- --- DEADLY SINS --- --- FOR WINDOWS95 --- Announcing the launch of the latest version of SDS95, a 32-bit application specifically designed to take advantage of the WINDOWS '95 operating system. With this unique utility, you can now experience the thrills and the guilt of violating your sacred covenant with God without ever leaving your swivel chair! Just look at these features: GLUTTONY: Gasp in awe as this module occupies all available memory, creates a swap file using all free disk space, then crashes with an out of memory error! ENVY: Be the envy of all your PC-owning friends for your cutting-edge operating system, while secretly envying your friends with Macs! SLOTH: This feature has been enhanced and updated from previous versions, and will now slow down your computer by a further 20%! Plus, with the new TaskEvaluator(tm), many more complex tasks can be given up on halfway through! PRIDE: You'll never have seen anything like the opening thirty screens of this product! Over fifteen minutes of animated Microsoft(tm) and SDS95(tm) logos interacting on screen! A complete list of all who worked on the project scrolls repeatedly across the bottom of the screen! Every major award we could buy the panel of is listed! You'll want to see it again and again -- which is fine, because it can't be turned off! GREED: Due to the complex nature of this product, it may periodically refuse to run unless you purchase an upgrade. Common demands are for more disk space, more RAM, more graphics memory or a faster processor. We recommend opening an account with your local dealer. ANGER: If you thought our Support Hotline was bad before, just wait till you experience our new features! * Even more annoying on-hold music! Work yourself into a coronary as "Tie a Yellow Ribbon" for Doorbell and Stylophone repeats for the seventh time! * Fully circular problem forwarding! Your call will be passed from department to department, returning to its starting point without ever repeating an excuse, or saying something credible! * New VoiceTone system! Sophisticated telecommunications advances allow us to inject a subtle note of derision into the voices of even our most helpful operators! LUST: Due to an overrun on the development schedule, this feature has had to be held back to a future release. We've got it here in the office, though, and boy is it hot!!! This feature will currently refer you back to ANGER and ENVY. SDS95, developed by The Catholic Church to the exacting standards of the Microsoft Organisation, with the assistance of David Hemming. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: You Are Not Alone Man shoots computer in frustration By The Associated Press ISSAQUAH, Wash. -- A 43-year-old man was coaxed out of his home by police after he pulled a gun on his personal computer and shot it several times, apparently in frustration. "We don't know if it wouldn't boot up or what," Police Sgt. Keith Moon said Thursday. The computer, in a home office on the second floor of the townhouse, had four bullet holes in the hard drive and one in the monitor, according to Moon. One bullet struck a filing cabinet, while another made it through a wall and into a neighboring unit. No one was injured. [Editor's Note: It was later confirmed that the machine was, indeed, a PC running Windoze. Not that anyone was surprised ... ] ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Down Time Pays Off For Windows Users By Rich Laniewski Redmond, WA -- In a desperate move to improve its corporate image, troubled software giant Microsoft (NASDAQ: MSFT) announced yesterday that it would match the charitable move by Apple Corp. (NYSE: AAPL). Apple has pledged to donate, to three separate charities, US$10.00 for every consumer copy of its newest Macintosh operating system, Mac OS 8, sold in the U.S. "We will not merely match Apple's contribution; we will triple their donation," stated Jerry Irvine, a Microsoft spokesperson. Microsoft will offer, to any charity that is using Microsoft's "Windows 98" operating system, US$30.00 for every man-hour lost to operating system crashes and other Windows-related software bugs. "We feel that this could potentially be very profitable for charities that are using the Windows 98 operating system," said Irvine. Charities immediately hailed the effort, saying that they may now finally start to recoup losses stemming from problems associated with Microsoft's Windows software. "Glory be to Microsoft," praised Rev. Jimmy Scamwell of the Bible Belt Baptist Congregation. "Our MIS managers recommended Windows to us several years ago, and it has proven to be nothing less than the work of the Dark Angel, himself. But with all the time we spend rebooting and reinstalling from backups, this offer from Microsoft could well be the second coming for us!" Others were not so enthusiastic. According to Harvey Kremwell, president and CEO of Wall Street investment firm Kops & Kremwell, Microsoft stands to lose quite a bit in this high-stakes gamble. "Just look at the down time suffered by the average Windows user," says Kremwell. "Multiply that by the number of computers running -- or not running, as the case may be -- Windows 98 software at your typical charity, and you start to see the magnitude of the problem. Thirty dollars an hour can really add up when you're running Windows 98." Kremwell commented that Bill Gates, founder and CEO of Microsoft, has a net worth of only US$43 billion. "That won't last long with this deal," said Kremwell. Still, it may be just what many charities need to improve their sagging bottom lines -- and their computing environments. "We've been struggling with the problems of all this Windows software," said Marjorie Burke, a recently-hired MIS manager for the United Way charities in Washington, D.C. "We were spending so much in support that we could not afford to reinvest in better equipment. But if we can keep close track of all the time we lose from Windows software, we might eventually be able to purchase some high-end servers running Mac OS Server -- not NT, of course -- and open our own ISP." "Considering the savings these charities will accumulate," said Irvine, "Microsoft's donation will far outpace that of Apple's." ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: MS Barney? Vince, Amy and I were in WalMart and we saw this product -- I SWEAR I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP: Microsoft Talking Barney. It was a purple dinosaur plush doll that wouldn't shut up. If there was ever a stuffed animal begging to be burnt in effigy, is this not it? -Steve ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Windows 98 Q&A By Randy Cassingham Question: Will the Microsoft vs. the Government, et al., thing affect the release of Windows 98? Answer: No. Microsoft is perfectly capable of slipping schedules without the help of the Justice Department. Question: Will it actually come out in 1998? Answer: Yes, it pretty much has to. Like Windows 95, however, they'll just start selling a buggy beta version and call that the release. Question: When will that happen? Answer: November. Question: When will I be able to buy a stable version? Answer: You won't. You will have to buy a new PC to get the newest version. Think of it as trading in your car when the ash tray gets full. Question: Is it true that the million dollar a day fine is "pocket change" for Microsoft? Answer: No. Even Bill Gates doesn't carry that much cash in his pocket. It is, instead, being paid out of Petty Cash. Question: Is it true that the Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Win98 operating system and cannot be removed? Answer: Yes, but only because Microsoft has disabled the "delete" key on your keyboard, as well as the "Recycle Bin". Question: Windows is looking more like Macintosh every day. Why doesn't Apple Computer do something about it? Answer: They did: they became a subsidiary of Microsoft. Question: The Intel-based, Microsoft operating system-run PC has been a mass consumer product for more than 15 years now. When will I be able to do some work on my computer without it crashing, getting fatal errors, and seeing periodically corrupted registries? Answer: As soon as you remove two things from your computer: the Intel processor and the Microsoft operating system. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: You Make a Grown Man Cry -- Reprise With regard to the piece on Microsoft's ad agency selecting Mozart's Confutatis Maledictus for background music on a Microsoft ad -- maybe they knew *exactly* what they were doing. Perhaps the designer of the ad was a Windows 95 user.... ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Microsoft's Secret Business Plan Most software comes in three types: freeware, shareware, and payware. Microsoft has only two: vapourware and bugware. Microsoft has three types of products: Vapourware -- what they promise Bugware -- what they deliver, Scamware -- expensive classes covering the information excluded from the official documentation, with the goal of rendering the purchaser/user certifiable. At least Microsoft is "investing" in one of its R&D groups*. Intel continues to have the industry at large perform QA on their chips, while charging for those same parts. [Editor's Note: (*) The "R&D group" in which Microsoft is investing is based in Cupertino, California. In a deal between Steve Jobs (a wholly-owned subsidiary of Microsoft) and Bill Gates (a wholly- owned subsidiary of Lucifer Investment Partners, Ltd.), Microsoft invested roughly $150 million in the Cupertino R&D group. Note that this is the same group that brought you the Windows(tMS) interface. Okay, I'll stop now. ;-) ] ******************************************************************** Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy of the rest of us. ******************************************************************** "HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail list server from Lyris Technologies, Inc. For more information on Lyris, see . HumourNet's Web and FTP sites are hosted by gamerz.net; see . To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following command to : subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems, then either (1) send any message to for a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web interface at , or (3) send a *detailed* description of the problem to . To unsubscribe, (1) forward any HumourNet mailing (or blank message) to , (2) visit Lyris's Web interface at , or (3) refer to your Welcome message for detailed instructions. For instructions on contributing material to HumourNet, send any message to . >>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors, not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the text wherever possible. <<< The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP: Web: FTP: Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that 1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer, and 2) no fee is charged. Also: Be *SURE* to remove the footer (with your e-mail address) from this message before forwarding it! There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a copy of them, send any message to , or refer to your Welcome message. ******************************************************************** "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd. ******************************************************************** ************************ Subject: Collage 400: GarterGate: The Adventure Continues Date: 9/13/1998 7:22 PM Received: 9/13/1998 8:07 PM From: HumourNet To: The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour Collage 400 H u m o u r N e t 13 Sep 1998 If you responded to my request for assistance with the HumourNet web site, please note that I have not yet had a chance to reply. I will hopefully be following up within the next week or so. Huge *thanks!* to everyone who replied! :-) Sorry for the long delay, but HQ HumourNet was busy working with the Office of the Independent Counsel to complete what is now known as the "Ken Starr Report." (All of the more amusing parts of the report appear thanks to me. Without HumourNet's participation, the Ken Starr report would have been about as interesting as the Clarence Thomas hearings.) One of the benefits of being the Official Humour Contractor(tMS) for the Office of the Independent Counsel is that we have been granted permission by the Office to reprint the Ken Starr Report in its entirety. But since HumourNet is a family-oriented mailing list, we have combed the entire Report, word for word, and removed any and all passages that might be considered offensive by our readers. And so, we present to you the "Ken Starr Report: The Expurgated Version" ... Referral to the United States House of Representatives pursuant to Title 28, United States Code, S-595(c) Submitted by The Office of the Independent Counsel September 9, 1998 As required by Section 595(c) of Title 28 of the United States Code, the Office of the Independent Counsel ("OIC" or "Office") hereby submits substantial and credible information that President William Jefferson Clinton committed acts that may constitute grounds for an impeachment. The information reveals that President Clinton: [SNIP!] "... And then he had the cigar in his hand ..." [SNIP!] Conclusion This Referral is respectfully submitted on the Ninth day of September, 1998. ______________________________ Kenneth W. Starr Independent Counsel (We here at HQ HumourNet would like to apologize for the gratuitous "cigar" reference in the Report. The people responsible for it have been removed from the OIC contract, and are now writing sitcoms for the Fox network.) Okay, so I wasn't *really* contracted by the OIC to add humour to the Starr Report. (Heck, the Report had enough humour in it without HumourNet's contribution.) In truth, I downloaded the file from CBS's Web site. Why is this interesting? Because CBS puts little banner ads for its shows on every web page. The banner ads rotate -- and when I arrived at the site, the banner ad that was displayed when I loaded the "Starr Report" home page was for the show "Touched By An Angel." On one side, "White House Under Fire: THE STARR REPORT." On the other side, "Touched By An Angel." Coincidence? YOU decide. In the interest of fairness, however, I'd also like to summarize the the White House Counsel's response to the Starr Report: "The Office of the Independent Counsel is full of very naughty people, and you never should have printed the part about the cigar -- but since you did, can we have a copy of the White House security videotape?" (Paraphrase; not a direct quote.) And providing the public's perspective on the sordid affairs are the following HumourNetters ... Jim Rosenberg, author of "The Daily Monologue," starts us off with his "White House Asserts New Executive Privileges" (to subscribe to TDM, send a blank message to ); Jeffrey in Burke, Virginia, sends along another original piece, cleverly entitled, "The Ken Starr Report"; Leah H. in Jerusalem, Israel, send us the "Top Ten Things Clinton Will Do After Impeachment"; Walter P. in Ottawa, Canada (the rest of the world is apparently just as interested in all the sordid details as the Americans are), tries to "Wag the Dog"; and Anthony B. in Bay Point, California, finishes our quadcentennial Collage with "Clinton's Address to the Nation." Huge thanks to our contributors! Enjoy ... - Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator ____________________________________________________________________ Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message. ____________________________________________________________________ SUBJ: White House Asserts New Executive Privileges By Jim Rosenberg, excerpted from "The Daily Monologue" (WASHINGTON, JRI) - The White House today, in a far-reaching initiative with constitutional implications, asserted four new "Executive Privileges" which it claimed were "inherent" in the Office of the Presidency and could be found in the letter and the "penumbras" of the United States Constitution: Right of First Refusal: Under this right, the President controls and maintains the right of "Pursuit of Happiness" with all employees of the Executive branch unless explicitly waived. If Loving You Is Wrong, I Don't Want To Be Right: Under this right, the President may pursue intimacy with all employees of the Executive branch without moral or ethical reprisals related to promiscuity, predatory behavior, or adultery. Right Of Razorback: Under this right, Presidents who were formerly political figures from the State of Arkansas enjoy a continuing privilege to act like hillbillies who ain't got no sense. Boys Will Be Boys Privilege: Under this right, male Presidents may claim Hormonal Immunity from doing what comes naturally. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: The Ken Starr Report By Jeffrey W Comer -- An original from Grape Press Publishing. Here is an excerpt of some of the details in the Ken Starr Report to Congress on the State of Affairs in the Oval Office. In this summary, we reproduce selected entries from the diaries ... ------------- LEWINSKY, 3 Jan 1996. Big day! Oh dear diary, we're going to meet the President today! I am so excited! I wore my purple frock and beige blush -- hope that he notices me! Oooh I can't wait to tell Linda! CLINTON, 3 Jan 1996. Another rough day -- Gingrich keeps kicking my butt and now Hillary says Chelsea needs more braces! At least I got to meet the interns today -- numbers 3, 6, 7, and 9 look foxy. ------------- LEWINSKY, 24 Feb 1996. I think Bill is beginning to notice me. Today he had me pick up those papers off the floor six times! What a kidder! He's so cute when he gets mad! I'm pretty sure it's the Chanel that does it, he goes wild over it. Linda says he's an old fart but what does she know? CLINTON, 24 Feb 1996. More paperwork for the Senate Committees. Goddamn interns can't even carry the stacks around in the right order! Gotta see Vernon about getting another job for this one.... ------------- LEWINSKY, 15 Apr 1996. Oh dear diary, Bill asked me to stay late tonight! It was so wonderful -- he just looked deep into my eyes and said he could see an ocean in there! Oh he is SO romantic! I wanted to melt on the floor! He told me I looked like Bette Davis only much younger and sexier. I think he's dreamy!!!! CLINTON, 15 Apr 1996. Well finally got the returns done. If Hillary saw her accountant earlier we wouldn't have to go through this mess. Watched the late game with the Bulls and the Jazz -- Jordan's awesome! Gotta have him by. ------------- LEWINSKY, 9 Aug 1996. Dear Diary, I did something very naughty in the Oval Office tonight! Hee-hee! It was so FUN but I was SCARED! Bill said nobody had ever done it before so he showed me how -- it got a little messy at the end and I had to clean up, but by the time Hillary got there, it was all cool. Bill told me he loves me and always will. Oh diary, he's a dream come true! CLINTON, 9 Aug 1996. Another grueling day with Netanyahu and Arafat -- man those guys are a pain in the a** sometimes. Went to see the Orioles and the Yankees, hung out with Tom Clancy. Went home, finished up paper work, went to bed. Memo to Bettie -- have carpet steam-cleaned this week. ------------- LEWINSKY, 14 Sep 1996. Brought by silk necktie from Nordstrom's to Bill. It is so beautiful, but he wasn't there -- had to give it to Bettie instead. She said she would leave it on the Oval Office desk like I asked. Oh diary, he's so much of a MAN! CLINTON, 14 Sep 1996. Watched Arkansas clobber Florida State; stayed up late eating nachos and cheese with Jessie Jackson Jr -- he really doesn't look like his dad after all. Found god-awful tie from Hillary on bed. ------------- LEWINSKY, 10 Oct 1996. Bill not in again today, somewhere over in Maryland. I sat in his desk and played "He loves me, he loves me not" with all his plants. Final score: He loves me, 21; he loves me not, 4. Oh diary, I am having Linda's friend book us a trip to "Couples" in Jamaica! CLINTON, 10 Oct 1996. Had to see some stupid high school project over in the sticks. This is Al Gore's job, not mine! God I could use some barbecue and beer right now. On return, found plant pieces all over oval office; must speak to Bettie about the gardener. ------------- LEWINSKY, 14 Dec 1996. Bill had me do something WILD with a cigar tonight! He is SO COOL diary! I never would have thought to do THAT! I can't say what it was but it was so MUCH FUN! Hee-hee!!! Oh God I am so embarrassed! CLINTON, 14 Dec 1996. Finally got those stogies Madeline has been promising me from Fidel. Nice aroma ... Smoked a few in the study, then another one out back where the secret service boys can't find me. That silly intern came by wanting some too. ------------- LEWINSKY, 21 Dec 1996. Dear Diary, they revoked my White House pass -- I don't know why? Was it something I said to Bill? I bet that BITCH did this!!!!! I'll show HER what-for!! Maybe Linda was right, I gotta go see her tonight. CLINTON, 21 Dec 1996. Sent interns home for winter. Can't wait to meet the next batch on Tuesday. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Top Ten Things Clinton Will Do After Impeachment 10. Spend more quality time with Chelsea and her thirteen half-brothers and sisters. 9. A tour of the nation's prisons to improve conditions, visit friends. 8. Step one: appear on "Oprah." Step two: hug Oprah. Step three: all is forgiven. 7. Attend UFO conventions, show off preserved bodies of aliens he smuggled out of the Pentagon. 6. Write book: "The American Presidency: An Oral History." 5. Buy a Hooters franchise. 4. Buy a Burger King franchise. 3. Buy a Hooters franchise. 2. Come to grips with the fact that regular people just can't go around dropping their shorts. 1. Trash the dump before Gore moves in. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Wag the Dog The biggest question now facing President Clinton is whether he should get Steven Spielberg or James Cameron to produce the airstrike on Iraq. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Clinton's Address to the Nation Text from Clinton's Address to the Nation if he were on truth serum. 10.16 P.m. ET (0216 GMT) August 17, 1998 by Keith Chiles Good evening. This afternoon in this room, from this chair, in this very spot, I was forced to testify before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury. I answered their questions truthfully whenever there was compelling physical evidence that would contradict my lies, including questions about having sex while watching an intern do kinky things that I now spin as being part of my private life, questions so embarrassing that no American citizen would ever want to answer. Still, the polls indicate that I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight and not ducking questions while the Marine Band plays loudly and drowns out the media. As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While I, a compulsive liar, deemed my answers legally accurate, I was not stupid enough to volunteer any information that might help prove what I did to Paula. Indeed, I did have a relationship with Ms. Lewinsky that was not appropriate. In fact, since I got caught, I can see it was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part to destroy all evidence linking me to the events, for which I am solely and completely responsible, but for which I refuse to apologize. But I told the grand jury today, and I say to you now, that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence, or to take any other unlawful action. I was a lawyer before becoming your President and I know better than to do these things. I have less important people to do these things whenever I indicate that I would like to see something go away. I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave a false impression, and that is what I intended. How could I know this thing would spin out of control or that my spin doctors would be too worn out from the plethora of scandals to be effective. I misled people, including even my wife. I deeply regret that, because Hillary is a better lawyer and will clean me out in any divorce settlement. I regret misleading my friends because most of them have evidence of other wrongdoing that may hurt me. I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct. I was also very concerned about protecting myself from my family. The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically inspired lawsuit about my tendency to expose my private parts to women, which my lies and obstruction of justice has since caused to be dismissed, was a consideration, too. I could not allow the truth to be known until after the statute of limitations expires. In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent counsel investigation that began with private business dealings 20 years ago. Dealings, I might add, about which an independent federal agency, staffed with my political appointees and friends, found none of the evidence of wrongdoing by me, or my wife, over two years ago. The independent counsel investigation has enough evidence of wrongdoing on my part to move on to my staff and friends, now into my private life with interns in the oval office. And now the investigation itself is under investigation, because my very large staff of lawyers found a gullible judge who is stupid enough to help me by requiring the independent counsel to prove he didn't leak the things that we leaked. This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent people, and is getting much to close to the evidence I have worked so hard to conceal. I call upon all of my friends in the sympathetic media to join with me in stopping this out-of-control situation before they get enough evidence to impeach me. Now, this matter is among me, the two people I love most -- my wife and our daughter -- and our God. I must put it right, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do so. Even the bombing of terrorist camps that we have known about for ten years. Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I intend to reclaim my family life for my family. It's nobody's business but ours, and the focus groups indicated that there were enough stupid people to believe this nonsense. Even presidents have private lives with interns in the oval office. It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into my sex addiction and get on with our national life. My stonewalling and lying has caused this country to be distracted by this matter for too long, and I take my responsibility for my part in all of this, even though I did it because of Ken Starr. That is all I can get away with. Now it is time -- in fact, it is past time -- to move on. We have important work to do -- new women to seduce, new interns to chase, and real terrorist camps to bomb. And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle I have created for the past seven months by lying to the American People, to repair the fabric of our national discourse, to return our attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next American century, and to help me shut down the independent counsel before he closes the trap on me in such a manner that I can no longer lie my way out of this mess. Thank you for watching and good night. All Rights Reserved -- e-mail forwarding with copyright notice only. Hard Copies must be approved in writing. ******************************************************************** Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy of the rest of us. ******************************************************************** "HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail list server from Lyris Technologies, Inc. For more information on Lyris, see . HumourNet's Web and FTP sites are hosted by gamerz.net; see . To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following command to : subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems, then either (1) send any message to for a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web interface at , or (3) send a *detailed* description of the problem to . To unsubscribe, (1) forward any HumourNet mailing (or blank message) to , (2) visit Lyris's Web interface at , or (3) refer to your Welcome message for detailed instructions. For instructions on contributing material to HumourNet, send any message to . >>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors, not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the text wherever possible. <<< The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP: Web: FTP: Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that 1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer, and 2) no fee is charged. Also: Be *SURE* to remove the footer (with your e-mail address) from this message before forwarding it! There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a copy of them, send any message to , or refer to your Welcome message. ******************************************************************** "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd. ******************************************************************** ************************ Subject: Collage 401: L'Shanah Tova Date: 9/20/1998 11:19 PM Received: 9/21/1998 7:03 AM From: HumourNet, humournet-bounces@humournet.com To: The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour Collage 401 H u m o u r N e t 20 Sep 1998 I'd like to extend a very Happy New Year to all of our Jewish subscribers -- as of tonight, we are starting the year 5759 on the Jewish calendar (which can only be purchased wholesale, mind you). 5759. That's a LOT of years. Just looking at that number makes me think that we need to go all over the world and round up all of the most learned Jewish historians (wow, THIS is bound to make them nervous), and ask them that ONE IMPORTANT QUESTION that is burning at the forefront of nearly every computer programmer's mind: "So, how did YOU guys deal with the Y2K problem?" :-) And in celebration of the Jewish New Year, tonight's festivities are brought to us by some of HumourNet's most prominent gefilte fishermen (and women) ... Are you a Jew? Ahuva in Jerusalem, Israel, helps you find your Jewishness with the "Jewish Test." (Those of you who are Jewish- challenged will probably have some trouble seeing the humour.) Jane in Atlanta, Georgia, sends us some "Commiseration." Rahul in Wichita Falls, Texas, brings us the "Jewish Holidays." Randy Cassingham in Boulder, Colorado (author of "This is True," and quite possibly secretly Jewish) sends along "The Great Debate." Marv in Budd Lake, New Jersey, brings us a piece that smells an awful lot like a pun (yuck) with "Blending In." and Leah in Jerusalem, Israel, finishes this Collage with "Answers Given By Students To Test Questions On The Bible." (Yes, this is very similar to a piece that I have previously run, but it's still very cute.) A huge thanks and a bottle of Manischewitz to each of our contributors. :-) Enjoy! And L'Shanah Tova ... - Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator ____________________________________________________________________ Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message. ____________________________________________________________________ SUBJ: Jewish Test 1. There are no Jews living in: a. sin b. El Paso c. trailer parks 2. The cleaning lady in a Jewish household is expected to: a. do windows b. make latkes c. attend all bar mitzvahs and weddings 3. To make a good pet for a Jewish child, an animal must be: a. gentle b. housebroken c. stuffed 4. Jews spend their vacations: a. sightseeing b. sunbathing c. discussing where they spent their last vacation and where they'll spend the next 5. A Jewish mouth never a. lies b. closes c. contains gold teeth 6. If there's a hairdresser in your immediate family, you are a. up on the newest styles b. entitled to free haircuts c. not Jewish 7. Wilderness means a. no running water b. no electricity c. no hot and sour soup 8. The most popular outdoor sport among Jews is: a. jogging b. tennis c. howling over the neighbors' lawn ornaments 9. Jews never drive a. unsafely b. on Saturdays c. eighteen wheelers 10. A truly unsuitable gift for a Jewish person is a. Easter lilies b. a crucifix c. a Zippo lighter 11. A Jewish skydiver is a. careful b. insured c. an apparition 12. Jews never eat at restaurants that a. aren't kosher b. cost too much c. have paintings for sale 13. No Jewish person in history has ever been known to a. become a prostitute b. deface a synagogue c. remove the back of a TV set 14. There is no such thing as a Jewish a. black belt b. obscene caller c. toll collector 15. Jews never sing a. off-key b. "Nel Blu di Pinto di Blu" c. around a piano bar 16. You won't catch a Jewish person on a a. horse b. backhoe c. toot 17. Jews are ambivalent about a. vegetarianism b. Jesse Jackson c. absolutely nothing Scoring: Take 1 point for each "a" answer, 2 for each "b", 3 for each "c". 39-51: Mazel Tov! You know a lot about Jews. Either you've studied your loved one's family carefully, out of desire for true closeness plus your respect for their traditions, or you're from either Florida or New York. They'll adore you. 29-38: You're not quite there yet, but don't panic. Just remember to do everything louder, longer and with a lot more butter than you're used to. 17-28: Sorry. Better study harder. Or consider getting a divorce and buying a Nathan's franchise. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Commiseration A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?" "Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian." "What did you do?" asked the lawyer. "I turned to God for the answer," replied the rabbi. "And what did he say?" He said, "Funny you should come to me..." ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Jewish Holidays Adolph Hitler was having terrible nightmares, and so he decided to go to a fortune teller hoping that the woman could find the source of his problem. "I am sorry but I am unable to help you solve your dreams," said the fortune teller, "but I do know that you will die on a Jewish holiday." "And which holiday will this be?" he asked. "It does not matter," she replied. "Any day that you die will be a Jewish holiday." ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: The Great Debate About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, they could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay." An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?" Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine." ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Blending In Two bees buzz around what's left of a rose bush. "How was your summer?" asks bee number one. "Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers, not enough pollen." The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down to the corner and hang a left? There's a big bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit." Bee two buzzes "Thanks!" and takes off. An hour later, the bees bump into each other again. "How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the info-bee. "Great!" says buddy-bee. The first bee peers at his pal and wonders, "What's that on your head?" "A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp." ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Answers Given By Students To Test Questions On The Bible The first book of the Bible is Guinessis. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. King David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the Biblical times. Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. The Jews were a proud people and, throughout history, they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals. [Editor's Note: Leah prefaced this one with, "Okee dokee, how 'bout *this* one? she asked furiously as she hit the send button before any other Jewish contributor could beat her to it." Wow, those Israelis sure are a competitive bunch. ] ******************************************************************** Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy of the rest of us. ******************************************************************** "HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail list server from Lyris Technologies, Inc. For more information on Lyris, see . HumourNet's Web and FTP sites are hosted by gamerz.net; see . To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following command to : subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems, then either (1) send any message to for a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web interface at , or (3) send a *detailed* description of the problem to . To unsubscribe, (1) forward any HumourNet mailing (or blank message) to , (2) visit Lyris's Web interface at , or (3) refer to your Welcome message for detailed instructions. For instructions on contributing material to HumourNet, send any message to . >>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors, not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the text wherever possible. <<< The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP: Web: FTP: Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that 1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer, and 2) no fee is charged. Also: Be *SURE* to remove the footer (with your e-mail address) from this message before forwarding it! There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a copy of them, send any message to , or refer to your Welcome message. ******************************************************************** "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd. ******************************************************************** ************************ Subject: HumourNet: Call Me If You Don't Receive This Message Date: 8/25/1998 8:45 PM Received: 8/25/1998 8:55 PM To: Autograph Systems Date: Fri, 19 Sep 1997 22:44:43 From: HumourNet Subject: HumourNet: Call Me If You Don't Receive This Message Hello, and Welcome to HumourNet! *AGAIN* After what appeared to be a successful start on the new server, I started receiving lots of "Hey, where are my damned Collages?" messages. After a brief and rather shoddy investigation, I found that there was something of a configuration problem with the server; it turned out that only about 13,000 or so subscribers were actually *receiving* the mailings. *sigh* I immediately considered simply unsubbing everyone else and charging them the customary unsubscription fee -- until I realized that I'd get killed by the capital gains tax. So much for capitalism. Anyway, rumor has it that the problem is now repaired. My apologies to those who missed such classics as the "UPS" Collage -- complete with my surprisingly non-controversial comments on Princess Diana. (The controversy seemed to center on the fact that I appear to be becoming non-controversial.) I'd love to repost the "missed" Collages (numbers 368 and 369) but since they are now available on the Web and FTP sites, I feel it is better to continue to march forward. (See the Welcome message, below, for information on how to access the list archives.) It *is* worth mentioning, however, that many of the messages I received were pretty darned amusing. Definitely one of the better ones came from Toby, in the Department of Applied Math at the University of Colorado: Vince, Vince, VINCE, how are you ever going to grow into a telecom giant and Bill's main rival with such sloppy business practices? I don't remember unsubbing, and I *know* I never paid the unsub fee, but I see from the web site that I have missed some Collages! Even your auto-subscriber wants to pretend that I am still subscribed, saying: Sorry, but the email address '::deleted::' is already a member of 'humournet'. Because you are already subscribed, Lyris did not subscribe you again. Now, how will you collect fees if you let people think they're off the hook? I demand to be resubbed this instant! Hey, this is *HumourNet*, Toby -- if it weren't for sloppy business practices, we wouldn't have any practices at ALL. If this operation were being run with any reasonable level of professionalism, do you think we'd need to charge *unsubscription fees* to keep it afloat? (BTW, Toby, one of the Collages you missed was a "Geek Humour" collection. One glance at your department, and it's quite clear that the Geek Collage was intended for you. ;-) Anyway, I've attached the *re-revised* Welcome message. Yes, this one is [slightly] different from the one that about 13000 of you received a few weeks ago, though not quite as amusing. Speaking of which, I managed to catch quite a few people with the unsubscription fee comments; we'll be dealing with that topic in greater detail in an upcoming Collage. Meanwhile, this is yet another "test" posting. Assuming all goes well with this one, I should have a "real" posting in the mail by Monday night. As always, call me if you don't receive this message. ;-) (Our newer subscribers are directed to the section in the Welcome message entitled "LIST POLICY AND CORPORATE KNOWLEDGE" for details on HumourNet's fee structure and "call me if you don't receive this message" comments.) Enjoy HumourNet! - Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator HumourNet@telephonet.com P.S. -- To receive a copy of the Welcome message without this lead-in text, see the instructions below ... P.P.S. -- You should keep this message for future reference. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Hello, and welcome to HumourNet. This is a moderated list for the exchange and distribution of humor. The list functions as follows: List members send humorous contributions (jokes, short stories, anecdotes, etc.) to the moderator, who compiles them into periodic mailings (referred to as "Collages") for distribution to the list. Humournet is a relatively low-volume list, averaging one to two 15KB Collages per week. This Welcome message contains information on the following topics: CONTACT LIST SUBSCRIPTIONS E-MAIL PRIVACY SUBSCRIPTION PROBLEMS CONTRIBUTIONS, Version 1 CONTRIBUTIONS, Version 2 LIST POLICY AND CORPORATE KNOWLEDGE ACCESSING THE ARCHIVES FORWARDING AND POSTING COLLAGES Please read the information if you run into problems; chances are, the solution is in here somewhere. If not, then feel free to contact me at one of the addresses below (please try to use the correct address, for the most efficient processing; thanks). Enjoy HumourNet! CONTACT LIST: Since there are several addresses at which I can be contacted, and because they are all used for different purposes, they are summarized here, right at the top of the message -- you can simply refer to this list when trying to contact me: submissions (contributions): HumourNet@telephonet.com general correspondence: HumourNet@telephonet.com subscription problems: Listmom@telephonet.com Other important addresses and URLs: server address (for commands): lyris@lyris.net Lyris (server) Web interface: HumourNet Web site: HumourNet FTP site: The following addresses are HumourNet autoresponders on the Lyris server; send a blank e-mail to each address for information on that topic: General info/description of HumourNet: humournet-info@lyris.net HumourNet contribution guidelines: contribution-guidelines@lyris.net Collage posting/forwarding guidelines: posting-guidelines@lyris.net Accessing the archives via e-mail: humournet-archives@lyris.net You can also get an up-to-the-minute copy of this file at any time by sending the following command to the Lyris server : get humournet hello SUBSCRIPTIONS: HumourNet is being hosted on a Lyris server -- so the subscription instructions are perhaps a little different from those associated with "older" list servers, like LISTSERV. Subscribing ----------- There are several ways to subscribe to HumourNet (even though you're already here, it's worth documenting the procedure): 1. (Recommended) Send the following command to the Lyris list server at : subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state (or country) where your_name is your real name, your_city is your city of residence, and your_state is your home state (or country if outside the U.S.). 2. Send a blank message to . 3. Go to , click on "HumourNet," and follow the on-screen instructions. NOTE: If you ever plan on submitting material to HumourNet for use on the list, you should subscribe via Method #1. NOTE: No matter which method you choose, you will have to "confirm" your subscription request; the server will send you very simple instructions for doing that once it receives your request to subscribe. If you have any problems with your subscription, please send mail to: . Unsubscribing ------------- There are several ways of unsubscribing from HumourNet: 1. (Recommended) Forward this entire message to . 2. Send the following command to the Lyris server : unsubscribe humournet 3. Send a blank message to: 4. Go to , click on "HumourNet," and follow the on-screen instructions. Please refer to the "LIST POLICY AND CORPORATE KNOWLEDGE" section (below) for important information on HumourNet's unsubscription fees. Setting DIGEST Option --------------------- Since HumourNet collages are already in "digest" form, there is no need to set your subscription to DIGEST mode; though it is available, it might not be supported for long, so please do not set your account to DIGEST. Postponing HumourNet Mail ------------------------- If you will be going away for a time, and will not be reading e-mail, you may visit the following Web page to temporarily turn off (and on!) your HumourNet subscription: Click on "HumourNet" and follow the instructions to set yourself to "NOMAIL." A note regarding the server on which HumourNet is hosted: LYRIS: As I mentioned, HumourNet is hosted on a Lyris server. I've run lists on five different types of list servers (including the "big three": LISTSERV, ListProc, and Majordomo), and Lyris is a remarkable improvement over all of them -- including LISTSERV. Even better, its "entry level" version is free. For more information: . Note that I have no financial affiliation with Lyris; I just like the server a LOT. :-) E-MAIL PRIVACY: We take your privacy seriously here at HQ HumourNet: The subscriber file (mailing list) is *never* given out to anyone for any reason. Moreover, the REVIEW command has been disabled, so no one but the owner/moderator can acquire the subscriber file. And just as an extra layer of security, your account was automatically set to CONCEAL when you subscribed. The combination of default CONCEAL and disabled REVIEW makes it virtually impossible for anyone but the owner/moderator to see your e-mail address. (However, if you believe someone has acquired your e-mail address through HumourNet, *please* let me know as soon as possible at ; be sure to state the reason why you believe your address was acquired through HumourNet.) SUBSCRIPTION PROBLEMS: If you run into any subscription (or other HumourNet-related) problems, please send me a detailed description of the problem at my "list mom" address: . CONTRIBUTIONS, Version 1: If you plan to contribute material to HumourNet, then PLEASE read the contribution guidelines! This will benefit both you and me. The contribution guidelines can be retrieved via FTP: They can also be retrieved via e-mail; send a blank e-mail to , and the Lyris autoresponder will send them to you. The submission address and format are all spelled out in the contribution guidelines. Note: Please ensure that all submissions fit the HumourNet List Motif; in particular, "keep it clean." If you have material that is not suited for our diverse audience, then perhaps you should consider submitting it to our "sister list," Bawdy.Net ... ---Bawdy.Net: Note that HumourNet is not intended for risque/bawdy humor. If your humor preferences run along those lines, then check out our sister list: "Bawdy.Net". For information on Bawdy.Net, send a message with "INFO Bawdy.Net" (in BOTH the subject line AND the body of the message, and don't include the quotes) to the Bawdy.Net moderator at: . WARNING: Bawdy.Net carries material that is often very graphic and/or explicit; it is ONLY suited and intended for adults! DO NOT subscribe if you are under age (or easily offended). ---This-is-True: While we're speaking of other lists, I highly recommend looking into Randy Cassingham's "This is True" list. It is low volume (one mailing every two weeks) and high humor as Randy takes a critical look at recent outlandish news stories from local and international media; each story segment is punctuated by Randy's trademark acerbic wit. For more information, send a blank e-mail to "TrueInfo@Freecom.com", or point your favorite browser at . CONTRIBUTIONS, Version 2: (It's not what you think -- please read!) I volunteer my time to run this list; I receive no compensation for it except knowing that people are enjoying the material I present. However, if you find that you enjoy HumourNet, and you appreciate the time that goes into producing it, then please consider sending a contribution in the name of "HumourNet Communications, Ltd." to The Seeing Eye in Morristown, New Jersey: The Seeing Eye, Inc. Washington Valley Road Morristown NJ USA 07960 Phone: 201-539-4425 POC: Rosemary Carroll (You can visit their home page at ) In case you're not already familiar with them, The Seeing Eye is a guide dog school -- that is, they train dog guides for the blind. This is a rather non-controversial charitable organization, and one that is of great personal interest and importance to me. Please note that I have no direct association with The Seeing Eye, except that I make regular contributions to them. I'd appreciate your letting me know if you send a contribution; note that this is strictly voluntary, and I'm not interested in the amount. You can just send me an e-mail here at HQ HumourNet to let me know. LIST POLICY AND CORPORATE KNOWLEDGE: 1. List Policy (it's simple): i. Unrelated mail: Please do not EVER send non-HumourNet-related mail to the moderator. This includes chain letters (of ANY sort, unless they are humorous and are being sent solely as a humorous submission to the list), "snowball fights," virus alerts, requests for assistance that are not related to HumourNet, commercial messages ("spam"), etc. Anyone who violates this request will be immediately unsubscribed. ii. Submissions to the list which are GROSSLY not in accordance with the submission guidelines will generally cause that subscriber to lose his posting privileges. (That is, all future submissions will be rejected.) 2. HumourNet Corporate Knowledge (these are HumourNet 'inside jokes' that appear on the list from time to time): i. SUBSCRIPTION and UNSUBSCRIPTION FEES: Contrary to anything you might see on the list or in "official" HumourNet documentation, THERE ARE *NO* FEES WHATSOEVER ASSOCIATED WITH HUMOURNET! I'll say this slowly: There is no cost to subscribe, unsubscribe, or remain a member of this list. You will sometimes see references to "unsubscription fees"; HumourNet was the originator of the "unsubscription fee" concept, having pioneered the idea back in August '96. For more information on unsubscription fees, refer to Collage 290 and/or read the "Much Ado About Unsubscription Fees" page: ii. "Call me if you don't receive this message": Refer to Collage 262 for details on this. iii. The Three Levels of Stupidity: You will see references from time to time about "Level II" (or I or III) stupidity; refer to Collage 301 and/or Collage 357 for more information on the Levels of Stupidity. (You will also see the term "Intellectual Proletariat" used; this refers to anyone who scores at least Level II on the Stupidity Meter.) iv. "(tMS)": This is HumourNet's trademarked version of the trademark symbol, as required by Microsoft ever since they trademarked the original symbol. See Collage 356 for details. v. Everything else. HumourNet has been on the 'Net since 1995; as such, there is a lot of history in this list -- more than I can reasonably include in a Welcome message. I've covered the important information; I strongly recommend perusing the archives if you are interested in familiarizing yourself with the entire history of the list. Finally, note that we *do* pick on Microsoft around here. HumourNet is developed and managed on Macintosh computers, and comes to you via Solaris (Sun's version of Unix for their workstations). As such, HumourNet is very Unix and Mac oriented. Remember, we're just having fun here; there's no need to get upset about light-hearted jabs at HQ Wintel(tMS). ACCESSING THE ARCHIVES: Back Collages (previous issues) can be retrieved via FTP or HTTP from "Elycion": (Note that capitalization must be exactly as shown) Web Pages: FTP Archives: To log into the FTP server, enter ANONYMOUS for your username, and use your e-mail address as your password. (BTW, I would like to extend a sincere "Thank you!" to Alan Skelley and Tory Braybrook at the Univ. of Alberta (Canada) for providing HumourNet's FTP and Web services.) If you don't have FTP or Web access, but would still like to retrieve back issues, you can use FTPmail. For instructions on using FTPmail to access the HumourNet archives, send a blank e-mail to HumourNet's autoresponder on Lyris: . FORWARDING AND POSTING COLLAGES: 1. Whenever possible, forward the Collage in its entirety, from the first line (containing the Collage number and date) through the end of the trailer, with the [optional] exception of any lines between tags. 2. If you are posting the Collage on a newsgroup, BBS, formal mailing list, FTP server, etc., PLEASE *POST* THE COLLAGE IN ITS ENTIRETY (per #1, above). Also, please observe the posting guidelines for all forums; if a HumourNet Collage would not be appreciated there, then please do not post it. We want to be good netizens wherever we go on the 'Net. 3. If you are forwarding the Collage to an informal/personal mailing list, PLEASE *FORWARD* THE COLLAGE IN ITS ENTIRETY (per #1, above). 4. If you are *manually* forwarding a Collage, and it is not appropriate to forward it intact, you may forward it per the following guidelines: i. Retain the first line of the Collage (the one that shows the Collage number and date). ii. Insert the portion you wish to forward. iii. Retain the first three lines of the subscription instructions in the trailer; this identifies HumourNet and provides information for subscribing. iv. IF YOU FORWARD AN OPENER: The opener *must* be forwarded intact, from the first line (Collage number & date) through *and including* the copyright statement, except for any lines between tags. Additionally, the first three lines of trailer information (identification/subscription) must be included. The opener is the only *copyrighted* part of the Collage, and I would like to exercise some level of control over its circulation format. Thus, if you were to forward the "Iraqi Pilots" joke from Collage 241, it would be formatted as follows: -------------- Collage 241 H u m o u r N e t 27 MAR 96 SUBJ: More on Iraqi Pilots Q: What's the difference between American pilots and Iraqi pilots? A: American pilots break ground and fly into the wind. ******************************************************************** To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following command to lyris@lyris.net: subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country -------------- I realize that these guidelines are somewhat restrictive (though they are not as complex as they appear), but they help to ensure that I receive a reasonable amount of credit for the work that I put in here. That's not too much to ask, is it? (If it is, please contact me at HumourNet@telephonet.com; I am always open to discussion. Plus, that's how the guidelines got relaxed in the first place.) Finally, note that I regularly include subscriber correspondence in the material that I post to the list. ANYTHING that is sent to me at any of my HumourNet-related addresses is fair game for posting, unless specifically stated otherwise in the message! Please do not send me anything that you wouldn't want distributed to tens of thousands of people worldwide. Welcome aboard! - Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator HumourNet@telephonet.com HumourNet: Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us -- end